Grieving After Many Years

Today. The 16th of July 2011. Today would have been the 50th wedding anniversary of my parents.

Fifty years is a very long time. A marriage that lasts that long seems almost impossible in the 21st Century, with the divorce rate as it is today. It seems as if married couples cannot even make it to their fifth wedding anniversary, much less 50 years of marriage.

But today is especially difficult for me because my parents were only married 26 years & 10 days before my mother died of cancer. She left behind a husband and four children. And now it is very hard to fathom the possibility of what it would have been like if my parents to have been married for so long.

I have in my bedroom the wedding cake topper that was on their wedding cake so many years ago. And I am sure that my father still has the wedding photo album somewhere in his home.

This day has already become emotional for me. And it is approaching 3:00 AM. So I do not know what the rest of the day will be like. Probably full of tears and memories. My mind is totally full of wonder. Trying to imagine what it would be like for my parents to have been able to celebrate a milestone anniversary. I wonder how much different my own life would be today, if they had been able to celebrate. But it something that I will never know.

July is a roller coaster month for my family. At least it is for me. I would not really want to speak for the rest of my siblings nor my father. We are the same blood, the same family, yet so very different in how we have managed our own lives during these certain days.

My father just celebrated his birthday a few days ago. Then the rememberance of their wedding anniversary, and then a few days later after that towards the end of the month, would be the anniversary of my mother’s passing. It has always been extremely difficult for me. I will blog again when that anniversary comes and deal with the topic of the loss of my mother.

Today, I miss her. And I love her. And I am ever so happy, grateful, and appreciative to my mother for giving birth to me.

Each person deals with grief differently. I do my best with it. Dealing with death has never been, nor will it ever be something easy.

So as I retire for bed (at last), I will think of my mother and tell her that I love her still.