Unrequited Love

Posted: October 19, 2011 in Uncategorized
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“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.”~ Charlie Brown from the comic strip, “Peanuts”.

It stinks. It really, really, really, really, really stinks to love someone who does not love you back. And that’s pretty much the definition of “unrequited love”. All of our emotions, thoughts, and feelings are going towards that one person, and that person does not return any of them back. They are our entire world, and we are nothing but insignificant ants to them.

When I was in high school, I dealt with unrequited love. I called it the “one way highway of love”. And it was so very challenging to deal with.

Clearly, it seems like the end of the world is almost near and you would hate to find that special person that you feel so strongly for, to actually come to you and say to your face, “I do not love you.”

Whether it is someone in your class, perhaps a co-worker in the office, or whomever… when you realize nothing is ever going to happen between you and that person, your broken heart is all that you can think of. The desperate souls will at this point act out towards that person in a last ditch effort to try and make that person realize their affections for them, usually ending still in defeat and more heart ache. But all you want is to break free from the rejection and live happily ever after.

It is very natural to feel that every rejection is personal. Remind yourself that it wasn’t you, but rather the lack of a romantic connection. Bad timing, lack of availability and emotional hangups may all be complicating factors. Avoid the temptation to over-generalize and draw too much from one situation. Don’t allow yourself to be consumed with thought after thought after thought.

Accepting that they do not love you is the first step in overcoming unrequited love.

Accept the fact that he/she doesn’t feel the same way about you. If you continue to believe that there is a chance he/she will eventually love you, you will never move on. Understand the reasons why he/she doesn’t feel the same way. Understanding the reasons for the unrequited love will help you to move past the situation and get over him/her. Decide how much of this person you can bear to still have in your life.

If you have no choice (for example, if he/she is a co-worker and you can’t change jobs) then find a way to minimize your interactions. If he/she is a friend, you may need to be honest about your reasons for ending the friendship.

You are best served by having as little to do with this person as possible.

Get your mind off of him/her. Spend more time with true friends and your family, and surround yourself with those who love and care about you. Keep busy. Throw yourself into your work or hobbies. If you don’t have any hobbies there are plenty to choose from so it won’t be difficult finding one.

Focus on your future. Nobody has ever moved forward by constantly looking back. Set your sights on a new hobby, interest or personal ambition.

Accept that life will never be the same, but it can be better than it was before. Part ways with those objects that remind you of your crush. Get rid of any photographs, cards, emails or other gifts and items that trigger feelings. Give them a proper farewell with a ritual goodbye, if this helps you to cope.

Focusing on your future will make you take your focus off him/her. Remind yourself of your good qualities. Just because one person does not love you does not mean you are not a good person!!! Remind yourself of that as often as necessary.

Change your routine in ways that distance yourself from your emotions. Whether it’s the places you used to meet, music that reminds you of him/her or a shared circle of friends, these habits will continue to bring you back to your feelings until you change them. While in the short term this may seem painful and difficult, in time you will accept that it was worth it.

Appreciate yourself. Realize that you don’t need anyone to validate you and that you are still the wonderful person. Remind yourself that most relationships don’t work out and this isn’t unusual. Work on gaining independence so that you can be just as happy alone as when you’re in a relationship. That will make you more attractive.

If you’ve been hurt before, think of how you overcame that pain. You did it once, you can do it again. After a week or two of grief, stop yourself from indulging conversations about your lost love or from obtaining information about them. In time, your grief will fade on its own, provided you let it.

Ask yourself, “Why would I want to be with anyone who doesn’t love me back?” You deserve better.

Gain better understanding that this isn’t for you. And that there is something better waiting around the corner. Don’t hold yourself down to something that will never move forward.  A dead horse is just that, dead. Chaining yourself to it will only lead you to a miserabl new hobby of having to swat away flies.

  1. I’m very late… and I don’t know why anyone didn’t comment on this but thank you so much for your advice. I am so crushed by my unrequited love because I so hoped that he would be the one. The bad thing about it is that I cannot avoid seeing him so it hurts so much when I do. It has been months and all I can do is be tortured by the fact that he does not feel the same and doesn’t even have sympathy or empathy for my feelings… He is so harsh about the fact that we cannot be together and I cannot understand how someone can be so careless or mindless about another person’s feelings even if they don’t feel the same… that hurts the most. But thanks again, I have already begun to do some of these things it’s just in my alone time I begin to be tortured by my thoughts.

  2. jason says:

    This is spot-on advice. A few months ago I developed a crush on a more senior colleague. It happened when she introduced herself to me. After that every time I used to see her around (especially at lunchtime) my heart would miss a beat. I’ve spent so much time thinking of this woman in so many different ways, playing all sorts of romantic scenarios in my head that it almost felt like it was real. Unfortunately, it was only later that I discovered that she did not share any of my feelings (despite the fact that she was single at the time). To make it worse, she always tried to make a point of ignoring me and not returning even the most inoffensive smiles. I am still trying to get to terms with the whole thing, but it hurts knowing that my love and feelings are unwanted. What’s
    perhaps tragic is that I am middle-aged, so this kind of romantic fever does not come over me very often…..

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