“A man’s kiss is his signature.”~ Mae West
You know… as if it isn’t already difficult enough, having that special bond between friends where you are met with salutations of a hug and a kiss on the cheek has had its benefits for me. But has also caused me to forever be lost in this state of mind where I just cannot wrap my head around it to the point where things are kept in its policies and welcoming procedures.
Not to say that I am complaining about my female friends who greet with a kiss, I’m not saying that at all. I’m NOT stupid!
But when my daily routine is stuck in a wheelchair and every once in a while, that day comes where I find myself in the presence of those who are physically affectionate in their greetings, I always seem to find myself in a situation where failure is inevitable.
This morning I was up at such an early hour that it was personally disturbing. Within an hour though as I drudged through the first few cups of coffee, my eyes would behold a sight that I have not seen in many, many months. It would turn out that my eyes were not deceiving me and that I did see my friend of long ago.
Yep, you guessed it by now. One that greets me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
However my brain was too slow in processing what I saw and by the time I realized it was her, she vanished.
I wasn’t sure what to do at that point. I sat there in the community room chugging down more coffee to wake up quicker. I didn’t know whether to go home and call her cell phone or just wait there for her to come back through. I decided that creating a stake out was my best course of action, especially if I wanted to say hello to her. The only “con” to that decision was that I would have no idea of what time she would be passing through again. It might be fifteen minutes, it might be five hours.
Hunting her down was not an option because I knew where she went in all honesty, but she was there not just for a visit rather on business. So I didn’t want to get in the way of that.
Luckily for me, it was somewhere in between that. And when I saw that she was approaching… well, I blazed a trail so quick and so fast that I was surprised that the floor didn’t catch fire. But I had no idea that she would catch on that I was busting my ass to reach her.
She saw me, and instructed for me to hang out and that she would be right back. Then she turned around again and said jokingly to slow down.
And as always when it was time for her to depart was the physically affectionate gesture that I failed miserably at.
I just don’t understand why it has to be so difficult. It is not like I am trying to play a few quick rounds of tonsil hockey with her. But at this lower altitude definitely has its horrible disadvantages.
I don’t know if it is technique or timing. Maybe its a little bit of both? If I move in first, I run the risk of coming across as aggressive. If I move a little bit slower, I could reach lip to lip. And some women wouldn’t find that all that amusing. If I move too slow, then I miss out on the opportunity as I did today.
And at times when I have attempted it, and I have missed? Well, I’ve ended up brushing my lips on some really awkward, weird, and messed up places upon the face. Most of them, too horrible to mention.
Help me out here. What in the world am I supposed to do??
I know that the average height of a woman isn’t so much higher than I am sitting in this wheelchair. As a matter of fact most women that I know if they were to offer to push me somewhere, and I were to slowly lean my head back, I would be able to lean my head back into nature’s “head rests” if you know what I mean.
So I am not sure if I can calculate the distance between how much the average woman that I know has to either lean down or bend over to embrace me. And where do I land that kiss on her cheek? Not all of them move at the same pace either.
And what if I don’t reciprocate the kiss? Some women would get offended.
I am truly at a loss here.
Today’s episode though when I missed the opportunity to reach the cheek, I went into a panic. And so what did I do? Instead I grabbed her by the hand and went all 18th Century on her and kissed her hand. To which her response to it all was something that I had not expected.
“OHH, AREN’T YOU TOO SWEET?”
Paging Dr. Love– where the heck are you?????????????