“It feels like I am choking on my own air, or as if I am drowning.”

The month of November has been brutal for me. With the exception of the quick trip to Houston, it comes across to me that I am surrounded by a giant wall of flames that takes the air right out of my very lungs.

And then more comes along that seems to push me into the deep end to where there is no escape. I am at the point of breaking.

I find myself being the one that is having difficulty looking at the brighter and positive side of life as we know it. Even though I have in the past posted relentlessly about forgetting about your negatives and focusing on the positives.

I will say that my own demeanor has improved a little bit, and in keeping true to my previous posts, that I am fully aware that there’s nowhere else to go but up from here. And that time will soon come on its own.

This does help and make me smile in regards to the “early Christmas” season.

Perhaps its what they have been calling the “holiday blues” because in the United States, we have begun our “holiday season” which is full of Christmas cheer and joy. It always happens the day right after Thanksgiving Day.

And in my own opinion, I think that is nuts. Considering that there’s still a week left of the month of November left.

However that is just something that annoys me personally. Not to mention the debate and discussion over whether or not to wish someone a Merry Christmas or greet them with Happy Holidays.

And sadly, that’s not the bulk of my distress.

The snowball effect came when there was talks between my sledge hockey team and the team from Houston.

Houston is doing what they can right now to make sure that they are going to the next sledge hockey tournament in 2013 which is being held in Philadelphia. Houston calculated that it would cost about $2,000 per player to go. And they’ve narrowed it down to ten players from their organization to go.

I think that Houston has more opportunity for sponsorship and successful donations. And I say that its great for their organization. On the other hand, the Austin Blades do not have the same kind of support or donations or funds as Houston does. So our team must work so much harder.

Houston started talking with my team about the possibility, but when someone asked about cost and how it was going to be done, Houston said that any player would be paid for by their own organization.

It makes complete sense to me. But for the Austin Blades, there’s not enough funds in the organization to even send one player.

I knew that would be the case when both teams returned home from the last tournament in Dallas last April. I knew that my team wouldn’t ever have the funds to make such a journey. And that is why I created in part, the donation site on gofundme.com.

All I have been able to have donated is $260 and it has seemed to come to a crashing stop. Basically, my donation site was “live” about the same time the shooting took place in Aurora, Colorado. So donations have been understandably going towards the victims of that tragedy. Then other tragedies happened. And with Hurricane Sandy still fresh on everyone’s minds on the East Coast, donations are going to them.

Add that with a tough economy, and that’s basically all I have been able to receive is $260.

Then I knew that with the Thanksgiving Day holiday coming that it was going to be a difficult four day weekend for me. As a bachelor with no transportation to speak of, being stuck indoors gets to be a drag. And because of the feeling that one gets, instead of it being really early Sunday morning, the 25th, it feels more like the beginning of Saturday part IV.

On Thanksgiving Day it felt like a Saturday. Even on Friday it felt like a Saturday. The usual whip and wear was nowhere to be found.

I did have a Thanksgiving meal that I could attend. It was held at the complex where I live. They have one for people like myself with nowhere to go for the holiday weekend. I was glad to be a part of it on Wednesday. However, that joy was short lived as the afternoon progressed, the activities here went right into Food Pantry Distribution.

How many times do I gotta complain about this??? “My time of the month” is what I call it.

I had about an hour in between both the meal and then the beginning of Food Pantry, but when I thought I had showed up just a few minutes before, staff had already started without me.

Then I was informed by the social worker that I could take off for that one time. That I didn’t have to help out with Food Pantry distribution, if I did not want to.  So I decided that if the social worker was going to do my job for me that one time, then I was going to just stay and hang out and socialize with others.

That’s when I started to catch a lot of hell and grief.

The social worker was doing the job that I volunteered to do over a year ago, but in her own way. She was not doing it the way that I do it. And that’s fine, it was working. But ohhhhhhhhhh noooooooooo…. neighbors got to be pissy about it all and insist that I take over the social worker and do what they considered is my job.

Many of them were just angry because there was not enough donations to go around to hand out turkeys as they have been used to in the past. Again, the economy and all. But they just need to get over it.

I totally understand that I cannot please ALL of the people here. But good grief!! Going up my butt because you still are not getting your way, is beyond ridiculous!

So then about 30 minutes later, I did jump in and relieved all staff members that were involved and things were back as they used to be.

After it was all said and done, the social worker made a comment about how she did not envy what I do in order to help with Food Pantry distribution. And that she believed that I was in need of a raise. But because I am not getting paid, I do not know how in the world “a raise” could be given.

The whole day just choked me and didn’t let go because I would have to face the fact that I would have a four day weekend practically by myself. And socializing with many friends and colleagues would not be possible because they were going to be busy with their own Thanksgiving Day celebrations with their own family and friends.

And even later in the evening, I caught hell from neighbors as they sprouted off about how I allowed staff to “control” me and take over what my duties are with Food Pantry. If I was getting paid, then it would be another story. But since I am not, then they need to learn to shut their mouths.

My helper got sick on Wednesday when I finally returned home from Food Pantry Distribution. She called Friday to say that she was in the hospital. I don’t know what her status will be for Monday. And that is a worry because I have inspections on Tuesday. If she is unable to come on Monday, then I have so much to do to cover for her and its not going to be easy at all.

So I am really hoping that some good cheer will come along real soon. With the last week of November, let’s hope that December brings something merry & bright.


  1. rebecca2000 says:

    You’re in Austin? Me too 🙂 I think you’re doing a wonderful thing with the food pantry. I know it is tough. Cheers love.

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