“You think relationships are difficult? Try friendships. Try courting someone in order to convince them to join you in some nameless, shapeless Platonic complication — forever. Convince an adult stranger that you are worth a healthy slice of their limited time and energy without the prize of sex or romance.”~ Laura Jayne Martin
Time for a review. Why? A- because its become necessary unfortunately. B- Going to catch up for some of the people who are newer to this blog than others.
This afternoon, I received a telephone call from a man who was whining and complaining and going on and on about how his dating life was starting to stink.
I asked him when he started having a girlfriend. He said that he did not have one. But he had been dating one girl that just flew his rocket and it hasn’t been going well. When I asked him why, he shouted at me that he didn’t know and he wanted to know what to do.
So with him screaming (and crying) in my ear, I came to drill down to the bedrock of his problem.
Expectation. Or intention. Whichever term you choose.
He had been taking his special girl out to dinners. A few times they would meet for lunch. But they hadn’t gone and shared in any other activity other than one of the three meals of the day.
Well, everyone has to eat.
He has been coming across with his invitation that its nothing but a meal. Even though he’s been wanting to improve his relationship with this woman and maybe see if they couldn’t get a little more serious.
He’s also paying for it each and every time. So guess what then?? She’s taking him on for free meals because according to him, that’s all it is. It is his own words.
Being that I know the both of them personally, the guy asked me to be the middle man… the go-between…. and talk with her to make her realize that its not just dinner but dating.
I knew right away there was a red flag. But I went ahead and was going to talk to the woman in the first place over something completely unrelated and found it absolutely easy for the topic of conversation for her and I to talk about him and what she thought and felt about him taking her out to eat.
I didn’t need to bring it up myself. It just presented itself.
I have bad news for the guy: She just isn’t looking for that in him. She already has a crush on another man. And she IS dating him. But because of his terminology and vocabulary, she doesn’t feel that she is doing anything wrong. Of course she is worried about whether or not she is coming across that she is only being a leech because he keeps paying for all these times they go out to eat.
So now with them, not only is it expectation and intention. It is also communication.
He likes her. He wants to date her or have a serious relationship with her.
She likes him. But she doesn’t want him to think that she’s the kind of woman who is using him for free meals.
He needs to express himself clearer with her. He needs to tell her of his future intention. Even though you and I now both know that’s going to end in rejection.
She needs to tell him that she’s got her eyes locked on someone else. And she also needs to express her concern and get him to admit his feelings of whether or not he “thinks” she is using him. And then tell him that’s not what she’s doing.
If people would somehow learn to be more open with one another, these difficult situations wouldn’t come around as often. At least, I don’t think so.
And I wouldn’t have to suffer something like this as much as I do. If at all.
Besides, a relationship cannot survive for long without decent communication.