Don’t Short Yourself On The Benefit

“One person can make a difference, and everyone should try.” ~ John F. Kennedy

I could have sworn on the life of my music collection that I had discussed this before but when I went back through the pages of history in this blog I could find nothing.

Strap in, hang on tight. Because with history comes action and with action comes consequence.

Let’s do this in steps because I’m not sure how long we’re going to be here:

1. HISTORY: Ever since the first time that  I moved to where I live currently back in early 2005, we’ve had our social services coordinator.

I’ve discussed that job position many times but had been talking about many people. However in late 2005 into early 2006, there was someone that was fresh out of college, fresh out of getting her degree in social work. Or at least, her license for social work.

Let’s face this ongoing fact: My neighbors then and still now, are old enough to remember World War II. And I can NOT recall the Vietnam War??

But what am I to do as a young adult with nobody around me or my age group?

When this new social services coordinator came into the job in late 2005… I thought I could choose her. NOT in the sense that I wanted to date her because I felt that would be crossing a boundary. But I just didn’t see any problems with doing something menial… you know, going to a movie, going shopping, taking in a meal. Whatever the case may be.

There was this little tiny thing that was in the way, and I had no idea it existed. Now in 2014, I call it the Book of the Devil. 2005 however, I didn’t know it at all.

Its the social worker’s Code of Ethics. (COE for this blog’s purposes.)

I had never heard of it. This social services coordinator was hiding behind it. And I kept getting shot down and I did not know why. Until one weekend I decided that I would search for this COE myself. I found it in a PDF and I opened it and started to read all of its pages.

It took hours. Practically the entire day of reading the “DO’s and DO NOT’s” of any person in the field of social work.

It was incredible. And if we’re being honest, a lot of it is FUBAR.

Although it did explain to me why this social services coordinator was being such a terrific butthead to me about wanting to go do something over the weekend and hang out.

At long last I had pushed this girl’s buttons too far and the words came out “If I am going to be your friend, then I cannot be your social worker.”

Touché. Game over too.

But hell at least at long last I had an answer. She also had other boundary issues where I would be myself, nice and complimentary, and she was taking it all in as harassment. Once someone else had mentioned that she had a pretty dress on. She said thanks to them, and THEN I said that I agreed. And five minutes later she took me into her office stating that what I had said about her dress was inappropriate?

Umm, what??

She didn’t last long at her job though. She quit and when people attempted to give her farewell gifts on her last day at work she turned down everyone and everything that was attempted to being handed to her. Destroying everyone’s feelings in the process in the name of the COE.

I have since grown a full-on hatred for the Code of Ethics that social workers must abide by.

The problem is that I am too friendly and too social of a person in my young adulthood for COE to be slammed down on my toe like a wall of denial. The COE and I do not click at all.

Now I get and understand that some social workers will have their own PERSONAL boundaries as well as the boundaries set within the COE. So I tend to believe that with each social worker it depends on personal boundaries as far as professional boundaries are concerned.

SITUATION IN CURRENT SPACE & TIME: Enter two more social worker interns for 2014. Almost ten years later after the nasty SNAFU that happened with someone with a social worker’s degree and some pretty high walls for their PERSONAL boundaries which led into their PROFESSIONAL boundaries.

I will not say much about them. They were here for a few sessions to hold a group for remembrance and now that area of time has passed.

But knowing it was going to be held by social worker interns, I hedged and attempted to stay far, far, far away from it all because of the ugly past that I did have. In the end I found myself going inside of the room and joining the first session/meeting so very very very late in the hour that they were going to be there. I had ideas of what it was SUPPOSED to be about however I would be proven to be very wrong.

So I stuck with it. But I was flighty for sure!

This group met once a week for an hour for a total of LESS than ten times.

So it really didn’t give a lot of people who wanted to participate a good deal of time to get settled in. As I had mentioned in the last meeting that things were just too short because we were just getting started. However, I had to keep in mind that these were college students, hired by an agency to do their internship.

Those two words stuck in my head though like flies on stink…. social worker. Even IF they were interns.

I backed off. I backed WAY off. Even though I put on appearances that I was there and I was participating. I ended up going because of a bit of a connection between the two interns. And that was fine. Because I knew based on the horrors of 2005 and 2006 that this connection soon to be severed and cut into shreds any ways.

The relationship DID have an ending and it was most definitely in sight. 

That’s the other thing….. dealing with relationships ending. It also caused me to sit back during that last meeting, refuse to eat, sweat like a hog, and keep as quiet as possible unless one of the interns had asked me a personal question.

I backed away from the group. Sat behind the couch with a pillow against my chest and stomach, clinging on to it for dear life.

I attempted not to make direct eye contact with either of the interns. But that quest failed miserably. The two of them were the kinds of people on this Earth that actually LOOKS at you while they are engaged in conversation. Me having my face to the floor would have been very obvious to them, and they would have definitely called me out on it.

Even more horror dripped across my sense of hearing as I heard someone else ask “Do you gals have Facebook?”

Ohhh GOD NO!! PLEASE NO!!

I stopped. I attempted to melt into the background. But I listened with great intent.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that the answer to the question of  “Can we friend you on Facebook?” is an emphatic NO. I know this!!!

After reading the Book of the Devil… its not allowed. My everything however turned and did a flip when I heard the two of them fumble and bumble like a comedy duo routine of whether or not they could add anyone to Facebook. Their final and official answer to the open question was “We’ll ask and find out. But do not get upset if the answer is no and we never hear from them again.”

Good show, ladies. Because I am calling BS on that one. They both knew the answer. And they both knew that the answer was NO. They knew that answer long before they started. But perhaps they will ask, if maybe only for the sake of knowing for sure that the answer is in fact NO. The only reason that the answer would become YES is if these two were to abandon their COE and come up with their own personal boundaries with regards to communication and socialization with anyone that was involved in the group.

THE PROBLEM FROM THE SITUATION: Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t call BS and I think that’s because I would WANT to be wrong. I just think that based on the horror and experience that I had as well as talking to other people in the social working field, its not going to happen. So right now, I’m not crying about it.

But I totally and completely robbed myself.

I think that people (even social workers) can agree that what happened to me many years ago was insanity and that the person back then did not handle the situation correctly at all.  However for me to take those memories and experiences and apply them to build a wall around me when I first go into this group meeting to fight against these two interns, was unfair both to them (as people) and to me because I was short changing myself from receiving the full benefit of the services that these two interns were actually offering.

But because of what happened in the past, I didn’t fully participate and therefore I didn’t fully take on everything that I could have. Even if there were professional and personal boundaries. I am aware of those. It doesn’t mean that I need to shoot myself about it because there is this belief that I need to avoid any and all situations where the COE would come in and just stop everything because whatever was going on and/or being said was crossing a boundary.

I was called gregarious today. After looking that word up, I totally agree. I am a very gregarious person. In fact, that’s going right next to being called a RENAISSANCE MAN by LFC. Hand in hand, you know????

And for me to be in a social situation where there’s a undefined boundary that can be sprung up in my face just is a major conflict with me.

Instead of attempting to avoid the landmines of life, I need to charge forward and attempt to receive anything and everything that life has to offer to me. These two interns, I had nothing personal against them. They were uber nice and kind. One of them reminded me of someone from my past that I had a serious crush on and currently working on getting past– but that’s okay. Its going to happen. And its definitely not her fault. 

I did learn my lesson though. I definitely cheated myself out of some thing. Whatever that some thing is, I will never know. Because I cheated myself out of it by stepping back and retreating based on experiences. That was definitely foolish!!!

And now there will be no second chances. No second guesses. No second tries.

Even though something is uncomfortable, never short change yourself out of any opportunities that may fall upon your path. Because you just never know.

I was successful in taking photographs of the group as a whole. And I got a few shots with the interns as well. It was something that I definitely felt that they were going to say NO to, but they didn’t. And that was their choice, not mine.

And I wrote down the URL to this blog for them and gave them my e-mail address. So they could be reading this, you never know.

Just don’t do what I have done and rob yourself of opportunity, benefit, and glory… just because something makes you feel uneasy or horrible. Step forward and march on strongly and you never know what will be the spoils of your victory in war.

The Law Will Not Win

“It is on, like Donkey Kong.”

The lyrics say, “I fought the law and the law won.” But in this case I’m afraid that the law is about to have its ass handed back to them on a silver and gold toned platter.

What we have here is a serious mismatch of a former Vietnam veteran against a former law enforcement officer. The Master Sgt. versus the police sergeant.

The two of them for whatever reasons have been trading jabs at one another. Silently and of course behind one another’s backs.

It appears that I am the only one that remains neutral in this escapade.

Until now.

Because when one of them parades around as if they are entitled to everything and anything under the sun… there will come along someone who will pull that sun out from under them.

And sadly it is coming and coming soon!!!

Nobody is paying attention to the warning signs. Nobody is doing anything to bring peace. And the rest of them are just adding their own fuels to this fire because for once its not their personal fight but someone else.

Of course that is so wrong.

Geez. Its about to get really NASTY here at the SGC.

Entitlement is about to be brought down by swift and heavy actions. The sad thing for Miss Entitlement is that she’s burned so many bridges around here that she cannot find shelter from any storm. And then expects everyone to still get out of the way and let her HAVE her way???

The hammer is down and “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH” has been called.

The only way that the law will win this battle is if someone calls the actual on duty service people. Not the former ex-cop.

Grab your popcorn. Grab your drinks. And fire up the La-Z-Boy. Here we go!!!!!

Dancing Into War

“The tongue like a sharp knife… Kills without drawing blood.”~Buddha

A lot of people have been testing my patience as of late. And sadly for the rest of us, it does a number on my head and it does lead to fallout of some sort.

Most recently with this rumor extravaganza that I endured, until I had the strength and the smarts to investigate the roots of these rumors and find out where they were being bred.

I had to do so, because it had caused me a great deal of pain and I ended up losing quite a bit of sleep over it.

Sadly, I would come to find out that not all of the information was rumors and that a number of pieces of information were actually true. But a majority of what was spoken to me was false. And as I confronted that which was true, I had actually received a personal apology, and the rest was just lies.

And after countless people that had been involved with these rumors that I went to them personally to find out what was going on, I was able to decipher on my own which was real and which was not.

The most common rumor that was being spoken was that there’s a huge circle of people that know me on Facebook, and that they do not like me. But they just “put up” with me. And when specific names were dropped, I went to them and asked. Most of them getting very upset and angry that these words were even spoken and it did not represent how they felt about me at all.

Most of them had a desire to kill the person responsible for those words. And I think that was just a natural reaction to the situation.

All of them were super pissed off. All but one. That one did get defensive but did not show the signs of the outrage that others immediately fell into.

After gaining “the other side of the story” I went back to the original tale tellers and told them that I wanted to speak to them again about the situation that they created. Little did they know that it was a trap. And little did “I KNOW” how things were going to turn out.

They had changed their name on Facebook, but their photos were the same, their information was the same. The only thing different was their name. Almost too easy to relocate them again.

I was able to convince the main person responsible for all of this to actually talk to me over the telephone to discuss the situation and to see what other kinds of information that they might have on colleagues or acquaintances of mine.

Once I got them talking on the telephone, they started to drop names again. The same ones. And more stories and tales about them. But I had stopped them in mid-sentence and warned that I had already spoken to those people and right now…. they were pissed off that these words were spoken about them.

If what they were telling me was so in-depth and true… why would there be such an outrage??

After a few minutes though, I began to listen to their tone and quality of voice. And it didn’t seem all that right to me.

So I asked how old they were.

14 years of age.

That young and already knowing so much dirt about people and creating even more bullshit to compile onto it. Knowing so much already about people, getting others to earn their trust and let them speak personally… only to have it backfire and their words twisted around and their trust shattered, by someone so young.

I finally had the upper hand and had them admit that they had lied to me to begin with. However, they were most adamant about NOT lying about one particular individual and kept up with their stance on them. And it just so happens to be the one person who didn’t show emotions of rage like the others. And I wonder if there is any validity to it at all.

The person that they were talking about kept denying things, saying things were untrue. But they weren’t so upset that they were wanting to kill those responsible for the vicious lies. Defensive for sure, but not wildly emotional.

It just really makes me wonder.

People hide behind their Internet connections every day. And in this case, the teenager thought that they were going to be able to hide behind their keyboard and be safe. I proved them to be wrong. And now their Facebook accounts are disabled, with a promise never to come back. Coming from a teenager, I don’t believe that. What I think though is that they’ll start over and try something new.

I don’t know if this child did it for attention, or just simply to start shit with me and other people, or just started it to get a reaction. I honestly don’t know why it was started. But you better believe that I had finished it, for sure.

I am still the kind of person that will stand up and fight for those I care about. And this was obviously made clear today.

Disgusting

“For me, the wheelchair symbolizes disability in a way a cane does not.”~ Annette Funicello

I am, I really am. I don’t know whether to go on a rampage or cry my eyes out.

Or both??

I know that most men and their behavior stinks when they are amongst their own ranks. But for them to go public on a forum is … well, I don’t know.

Crazy? Stupid? Ballsy? Rude? Typical??

I don’t know. I just know that as a person in a wheelchair AND a male…. this pissed me off twice.

I could not believe it.

I didn’t even bother going through the entire list of pages of the forum’s posts. The more that I read, the angrier I became.

So yeah….

There’s nothing wrong with sexual attraction. None whatsoever.

And there’s a certain point of victory when someone in a wheelchair is the recipient.

But the comments left behind were so damned disgusting.

Have a peek:

http://www.rooshvforum.com/thread-9797.html

 

Protective Streak

“I’m not a movie star like other actors in the way that I need to walk with a bodyguard.”~ Olivier Martinez

I’ve pondered this and many other situations all day long. And with this blog post I realize that I am probably going to break every single rule in the book that I have when it comes to communication, socialization, relationships, and connections. In other words, I’m speaking out of anger. So please forgive. But also pay attention.

But there comes a time when a person reaches their limitations and then feels the pressure applied by other people that pushes things over the edge.

I’m now over the edge, and I am most sufficiently angry, disappointed, and frustrated all at the same time.

I do not think that I have to go into the science or psychology of human nature at times when someone is feeling threatened that they put their walls up or they come out swinging in an effort to protect themselves. Their main goal is for their own personal protection. And I think that the same is true for cases when the people that love and care for are feeling threatened or being threatened. That our sense of fight and protect just comes naturally.

So when I found out that those who are close to me were being trashed, brought down, spoken of poorly, and all-around being dumped upon because someone else didn’t like what they did or said, a.k.a. — no good reason whatsoever, then yes… The moment I found out about it burned me from the very core of my soul.

My first instinct was to attempt to calm and soothe, but as of the past couple of years, my ability to do that most successfully has fallen into non-existence. Its no longer good enough to say, “Its okay. I love you.” at all.

The second instinct is to fight and protect. And believe you me…. its very wise to NOT to judge me by what you think you know. I cannot physically lift my leg and insert my foot between your butt cheeks hard enough to where you can taste my sock, but there are other ways that I can deal with the situation at hand.

I don’t have to be right there and on the spot. But the offender will soon find out that I am quite the force. And I think that is true of everyone. Not just me. So this is not about me tooting my own horn of outrage. We all have that horn within us.

But let me tell you what I think, and what I believe to be the most accurate and utmost truthful statements in life when it comes to the situations that have fallen into my lap.

To talk about someone and not do it in front of them…. is cowardly. Opening your mouth because you are discontented with someone and making sure that your words are spoken with the person that you are no longer enchanted with any more is absent and will not get word about it first hand… is contemptible beyond measure. And quite honestly your reactions are unworthy of anyone’s attention.

To discuss matters of your discontent and then draw their family and friends into it makes you look even worse. Honestly, drawing a bad scenario or giving a bad name to someone who is totally and completely innocent?? Yes, this only makes you look like more of an evil jerkwad of a douche nozzle than what you were before you opened your mouth.

Moving on to your other transgressions.

Attacking and defaming those who cannot defend for themselves is not honorable in any way, shape, or form. Who died and made you ruler of the universe to where you are judge, jury, and executioner of all human life on this planet? Get the hell off your high horse, pull your head from your own butt, and take a deep breath of this thing called REALITY.

Children, the elderly, the disabled, and the pregnant. These are not subjects for your forked tongue. These are also not targets but people like you, presuming that you are showing signs of humanity because your words prove otherwise.

Talk with evil words about those that I care about, and I will instantly become their protection detail.

But I was the subject of some malicious content today. Unlucky for that person, I have people in my circles who are willing to break that Honor Code and make me aware. And as I said, I’m not physically capable of making you stop and smell the roses, I can do most other things.

I will not stand for your mouth against me, against my family, against my loved ones, and against my friends and colleagues. The same as ANYBODY ELSE!!!!

I’m coming down like a bodyguard and I will deal with the situation as it deems necessary with appropriate actions. And I will not hide my emotions of disappointment and anger in this.

I’m pretty pissed off!!

I did this once before but then hid it from the public. This time, not so much. The ones who are guilty or in violation will not get that same opportunity as this will go live on the blog as soon as I finish.

I’m just not putting up with it any more.

A Plea To The World

“A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life.”~Christopher Morley

In my youthful age, I have been fortunate enough to pay attention to certain things that would to most, seem mundane and minimal. I thank my lucky stars to have the common decency and sense to remembered things that would later serve a purpose in life, no matter how large the scale.

I’m talking about the treatment of pregnant women by men.

And therefore I send forth my plea to men… PLEASE STOP PISSING OFF PREGNANT WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think that by now, men in general realize not to mess with a woman who is dealing with her period. But there really can’t be much said for those who know not to, and still do it. These men are beyond help.

But it’s recently come to my attention that the hormones in pregnant women…. well… guys seriously, there’s no other way of putting it. If you mess with a pregnant woman, you’re gonna get tore up.

So now I give you the TOP FIVE incidents that I had personally witnessed to of men messing with a pregnant and the disastrous consequences thereafter. Of course, I believe this kind of thing happens every day, and it shouldn’t. But these are the ones that I am aware of.

Here we go!!!!

#5 – Little Rock National Airport. Mid-1980’s. My grandmother would often visit my family from Michigan. She would fly to Arkansas and spend what seemed like to us at the time, almost an eternity. But once the entire family went as we were giving grandmother a ride to the airport so that she could return home. She unfortunately had missed her flight. So she was made to wait for another flight to leave. And the family stayed. Meanwhile, there was a couple that was sitting directly behind my seat and I could overhear their conversations. Mainly because they were being loud and obnoxious. Ahh, young love in the 80’s!!!

So the woman told her lover/boyfriend/whatever, as she began to weep, that she went to her doctor and found out that she was about a month or so pregnant. To which the response out of him was “Ohhh thank God!! I thought it was you who was stealing my fuckin’ Star Crunches out of the pantry. Baby, I didn’t know how to tell you, but your booty is starting to get large.” 

About this time I did glance back behind me, only to find the woman’s hands around the guy’s throat as the man was drooling and slobbering on himself, gasping for air before airport security escorted both man and woman away, and in different directions with the assistance of local police. 

#4- Sedgewick County Zoo, Wichita, Kansas. Late 1980’s. After being at what I could gather was some random conference for teens, to learn about the dangers about teen pregnancies and what not, one female participant had apparently been feeling guilty because she was pregnant with her boyfriend’s child. The teen couple had taken the summer day off to go to the zoo and they happened to be at the tiger exhibit at the same time I was. To which the girl confessed that she was pregnant with his baby. (I could only make such a theory based on the t-shirts they both were wearing at the time.)

The boyfriend then did that stereotypical macho garbage move and told her that when they had left the zoo, that they were going to buy a home pregnancy kit. And if it came to be that she was in fact pregnant, that he was leaving her.

After a few seconds of cursing, religious blasphemy, and swearing, I was quickly moved on to the next area of the zoo for my own safety.

Later I would get ill from eating something bad at the concession stand at the zoo and would be still awake after my supposed “bedtime” and long enough to be awake for the late night news where it was then reported about how a young teenage girl was arrested for attempting to throw her boyfriend into the tiger cage. Luckily for him, the tigers were sleeping and didn’t notice anything.

#3- Wedding Reception. Rhode Island. 2008. During the time that I was with my last girlfriend, I as the “boyfriend” was swiftly taken away to the New England states in order to attend the wedding of my girlfriend’s older brother. It was a most uncomfortable scene as I was very much made aware that my girlfriend’s ex-husband was best friends with the groom-to-be and was going to be in attendance.

I did not see him at the wedding ceremony itself though. I’m getting off track here. Back to the reception.

At the reception, was a young newlywed couple of probably no more than five years. And the woman was pregnant and showing. And her misguided husband attempted to take the role of food patrol for his wife, very publicly announcing to her that she had “had enough” wedding cake to eat. (In reality, was only a second piece since the first one was so thinly sliced.)

Saying nothing to her husband, she handed him the cake and he turned away to look for a place to dispose of the unwanted pastry. Only for others there to have been there to witness the wife standing up, folding up her chair that she was sitting in and proceeding to beat the living shit out of her husband with it.

As I was given to understand, the ink on the divorce papers were dried and served. Evidently she had cleaned him out and took the children with her by the time I left my ex LESS than a year later.

#2- Fundraising sporting event. Austin, Texas. 2010. This one, I should admit to not witnessing…. but rather reading about it. And then speaking to someone who was actually there. But it was later reported to be true in the news.

After paying $50 a piece to see a baseball game that was going to be played by “local celebrities” and other noted citizens to battle cancer, a pregnant wife was having trouble getting up into the stands where her seat was, as was printed by her ticket. Her husband was nowhere to be found for assistance and she had to rely on the kindness of strangers to hold her by the hand so that she could walk up to her seat.

During the game, her water broke. And where was her husband? Chatting it up with a local FEMALE news anchor on the other side of the field, doing and talking about who knows what. She had sent her husband a text message to alert him that her water broke and their child was on the way to be born. To which the answer by her husband was “But the game isn’t even over yet. And I’m way over here. What do U want me 2 do about it??”

By the time the other spectators had helped her down the stairs from the stands and escorted her to her car, she took the keys herself, and drove over to the general location of her husband. But she was not there to pick him up, but to mow him down while the natural flow of things continued to ruin the husband’s vehicle’s upholstery on the driver’s side. Narrowly missing her husband, taking out a news camera that was standing on a tripod to record film of the game in progress and side-swiping her husband’s newly found company before driving off to the hospital alone. 

#1- Lunch Out at Applebee’s. Austin, Texas. 2013. So by now a few people who have been reading this blog know that every once in a while, there will be an activity of going out to lunch with my neighbors of the apartment complex. And they also know that some of the neighbors love to pick on me because 99% of the time, I will order a dessert. And they just sit there eagerly awaiting to see what sugary delight I am going to order at the end of the meal.

The demise of the day: Triple Chocolate Meltdown.

And for once, someone ELSE overheard me talking and from that had based their decision that they too, wanted dessert. It was a pregnant woman who was sitting at a booth off to my left.

The man that was with her, presuming it was her husband or boyfriend. Or at the very least the father of her unborn child, he questioned her decision and asked her if whether or not she thought and felt that she was getting big enough. The reference being her pregnant belly as he pointed to it.

The expecting mother reached across the table to slap him, knocking over his iced tea in the process that splashed all over his nice work clothes and neck tie. So in a sense, a double whammy. First the slap, then the spill. Growing up, we used to call them “two-fers” because two things happened in one instance.

The man got up and looked at her wondering why in the world she would do something to him like that and yelled “What the fuck is your problem?” and then proceeded to freak out about his clothes and whether or not he was going to make it to his rather important meeting after they had finished with lunch.

Why do people seem to think its okay to scream obscenities at the top of their lungs when in public???? I’ve never understood that.

So anywhoodles… the pregnant woman ambled her way to her feet and straightened herself out before lifting her leg behind her and putting as much force behind the swing through. The result was that she had kicked him square into the testicular regions, where he had lost all fortitude and then said back to him, “Just order the goddamned dessert and shut the fuck up. Its because of YOU that I’m like this. Remember that!!!”

Needless to say that I took an alternate route to leave the restaurant as I did not want to feel any kind of residual wrath that may be lingering. The man just sat there in silence with tons of sweat pouring from his forehead as his face turned all kinds of colors in his face, but he never said another word for as long as I was sitting there.

I honestly could go on, but these are only FIVE examples. The history of the world is flooded with these kinds of things happening because someone said something to a pregnant woman. And honestly………. its not that difficult, WATCH WHAT YOU SAY!!

This is why some women get away with murder. I’m just saying!

A person should watch what they say in the first place, but especially around pregnant women. Because much like a woman who is experiencing her “time” of the month, you never really know what’s going to set her off and what she is capable of doing.

So this is basically a Dambreaker PSA for you. I AM PLEADING…. STOP PISSING OFF PREGNANT WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guarantee you– you will live much longer.

Private Eyes, Part II

“I don’t believe in fate or destiny. I believe in various degrees of hatred, paranoia, and abandonment. However much of that gets heaped upon you doesn’t matter – it’s only a matter of how much you can take and what it does to you.”~ Henry Rollins

I just love how certain people that the average society would not think would come up with a brilliant thought comes out and  says something and knocks society on their ass. Good job, Henry Rollins!!

Five days ago I wrote a post that knocked people on their butts.

I knew that eventually the commentary track of others would come. And it wasn’t the point of the post. I just knew that when I set up to write in the blog, that it was  surely coming. Because I don’t normally make a habit of writing with Hulk-skinned language.

The perks of humanity is that these kind of emotions are there. Anyone who is a human being has them. You the reader, have them. I have them as well… obviously.

I made one reader nervous. Another one asked if I was okay. The rest of the people who responded to me personally in one way or another?? C’mon… REALLY?

The most common question that I received was people’s inquiry of whether or not I was speaking about them.

Part I already states that I do not speak directly about people to avoid humiliation. So how in the world can anyone assume that the post is specifically about them?

I will share the answer: Paranoia.

Paranoia is dark and very evil. It causes the brain to assume more than it should.

In this case I do have a few questions of my own to ask in return to those who were asking me if I was talking about them.

Are you ready for this?

What makes you think that it was about you? What have you said or done lately to make you think that? What wrongs have you committed against me or anyone else in this world to make you think that there was a direct link from my words to your life?

I could go on to any social networking site right now and post “I HATE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and there WILL be an outpouring of a percentage of people who will see that and in some way someone is going to start inquiring about my mental state, or wonder who or what had prompted such a thing.

But because of my post five days ago I have people hiding from me. They are assuming that I am thrashing them across the pages of my blog. They understand that I was pissed off. So they hide, waiting for it to blow over. Which it has.

These are the people that I spoke of in Part I,  those who read the blog in private. Those that I do not realize are reading it. And then when I come out spitting fire and venom, they come out of the shadows and assume I am attacking them.

REALLY NOW??

Again, paranoia is very evil and misleading. But paranoia (in this case) is unnecessary. Had these people who were asking me if I was talking about them had only changed their tactic and asked what was wrong, they would have found out the truth and there wouldn’t have been any need for this kind of rubbish.

And by the way, I do not hate life.

Author’s note: As this is my 420th blog post, there were some people who were keeping count. They wondered if I would discuss the subject of marijuana and other drugs. I am sorry. Even though I do have my own choices and opinions on the matter, I refuse to post that kind of thing on this blog. 

 

You’re A Douchebag!

“If it was legal to shoot all of the stupid people in the world, we would run out of bullets.”~ Dambreaker

This morning, I strolled on over to the corner store. I went up the hill and some random guy shouted at me asking if I wanted any help getting to the top of the hill.

Before I could politely decline, this very muscle-bound man came up behind me and shoved me over the top of the hill and then he kept going even when I was on level ground again.

It was like being blasted like a rocket into outer space.

Sometimes I allow people to help, sometimes I do not.

So then he wanted to know what the reasons were that I was in a wheelchair. And I told him.

His response was the worst thing that I have ever heard in my entire life!!!!

He told me that he couldn’t understand how I could live my life this way, being stuck in a wheelchair all day and night for the rest of my life.

Honestly, when I explain my disability, I do not normally expect people to have that light turn on and they fully understand what all I have to go through every day of my life. What he said next, ruined my entire day.

He honestly looked me in the face and said that he could never life the rest of his life in a wheelchair, and that he would just kill himself before he was confined to a wheelchair like that.

I was filled with shock, rage, and disbelief.

I asked him if he felt that was his solution. If people that live in wheelchairs should just kill themselves.

And then the rage and disbelief continued to grow.

He said with a straight face that he just couldn’t understand why more people don’t do it.

I told him a story about a man who was born in Austria who would eventually become the leader of a country called Germany in the 1930’s. That man also had the same solution. He called it the Final Solution.

Yes, I compared him to Adolf Hitler. Although Hitler’s rage was more focused on the Jewish and other classes of society. But he did exterminate and kill anyone who were in wheelchairs and were physically disabled as well.

Before he had time to react, I told him that he simply needed to go away and leave me alone.

I did have my 23” broken hockey stick with me. And yes, I could have chosen to smack him with it. But because of his muscle bound body, I felt that I would have lost that battle.

Now I have really heard some stupid things from people who do not understand the life that I have to live. And I’ve probably heard every little joke, insult, or remark in the book. And I’ve learned to just roll my eyes. But this one? It hurt. And it hurt a lot.

I came home. Began to cry, and ended up falling asleep for about an hour. I woke up, still angry at the guy. And I really do not wish to ever see him again.

It is like this guy’s brain wasn’t attached to his spinal cord. There’s a reason why there is a brain inside of his skull and its not to fill up the space inside. And why he chose not to use it before he opened his mouth is beyond me. 

Why should I kill myself? Why should anyone with a disability kill themselves?

And what of our nation’s veterans. Ironically those people who have fought and sacrificed their limbs so this guy can keep his freedoms to say stupid things like that?

Should they kill themselves as well because they are now in wheelchairs for defending our country?

The bottom line answer is not just no but HELL NO!

I’ve talked about thinking before you speak, and this is an excellent example of that NOT happening at all!

I have tough skin, but this time it broke through. And I really shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of immaturity and stupidity.

There’s nothing wrong with me that I should have to die. Just because I do not walk and often appear that I may be having trouble getting up hills. Good grief!!!

So this guy is a complete and total douchebag. And who knows what his deal is? Having to say something like probably just to make himself feel better?? Nobody will ever know.

But I am NOT going to throw in the towel like that. You can just screw off if you think like that. We have enough difficulty as it is, we don’t need your psychological stupidity on top of it.

 

Anger

“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.”~ Thomas Kempis

Angry. Pissed off. Ticked off. Hacked off. Boiled over. All of these things are used to describe a person’s anger.

There are two kinds of basic emotions. Fear and love. Anger stems from fear, and not love.

Anger is an automatic response to ill treatment. It is the way a person indicates he or she will not tolerate certain types of behavior. It is a mechanism that we fire back in which an unpleasant stimulus is met with an unpleasant response.

Anger is an emotion related to one’s psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged or denied and a tendency to undo that, commonly by retaliation.

But I feel that we can go deeper into this. It is my feeling that anger comes from the loss of control. Once we realize that we have lost control over something, anger is our way of responding to it to show that we find the result unsatisfactory.

Our body language commonly shows the signs of anger. Much like the wild beasts, we snarl and growl and give off facial expressions that allows others to know, we are not happy.

But I think that it is correct to say that it stems from fear. When something happens that we lost control over, we are fearing what could happen next because the end results are not going to be what we had expected it to be. We can no longer guide our destiny as we once were, and so we’re left with the outpouring of this particular part of emotion of fear, by expressing that we are really pissed off.

There are a lot of things that cause us to be angry, some of them include:

• Other drivers.
• Being placed on hold with a business or customer service, or being handed off from one person to the next, and spending all that time doing so.
• Our perception of other people’s activities and actions that we believe to be wrong.

I believe that it is very natural to be angry. However, I do think that there is a right and a wrong way to handle our negative emotional state.

Everybody has heard the phrase, “anger management”. Hollywood did a marvelous job in portraying a more funny side of it. But there are some people who would definitely be considered a good candidate for anger management in reality.

Being angry is done by choice. You choose to be angry. Those people who could most benefit from managing their anger have a problem with knowing when to stop being angry and they allow themselves to be in a cycle, rather than just going through the steps and motions of being angry. They repeat it over and over and over again.

This is how anger begins.

1. The Trigger. Something has caused us to become angry. Whether it be loss, or words, or actions or anything else that will “trigger” the emotion.

2. Internal Angry Reaction. At this point, you realize that something is different and that it is unpleasant.

3. Internal Intensification. The point in time in which your body begins to justify its emotions, most of the time people with anger problems justify their anger improperly based on false assumptions. Internally, there is an onset of chemical release, and such things as your heart rate and breathing increase dramatically.

4. External Barrier Break. The more obvious signs of anger that others can clearly identify. Such as screaming, shouting, crying, gesturing, and fist pumping.

5. Explosive Peak. This stage is prone towards the violent and physical side of expressing anger. Dangerous to oneself and others. This is also the stage in which people may react verbally, and ultimately say something that they did not mean.

6. Exhaustion and Withdrawal. The emotion of anger, or at least the majority of it  

7. Remorse and Apology — or – Intense Justification. The final stage of anger. The realization that someone might have said something that they didn’t mean, and now they are feeling remorse and regret. Those who realize their errors use this time to apologize for their outburst.

8. Repeat. For many of us who do not have issue with anger problems, this stage doesn’t always apply. Those who do, always hit this stage and return swiftly back to number one.

Breaking the anger cycle begins with developing awareness of your personal triggers and identifying opportunities to change your reactions. If anger is a choice, then we should probably take note to our triggers. And if again those triggers come up, we might find the strength within us to attempt to deal with it in another way, rather than anger. It is not always easy to do that though.

I still believe that anger is a natural human response, even if it is a choice. Expressing anger is far better than suppressing it. Studies show that women live on an average of 10 years longer than men. And it could be related to the fact that women have an easier time expressing anger than men. But I can’t say that is for sure.

Life has never been designed for control. We are not supposed to be puppets on a string. We would absolutely hate it if we were. Just think about whether or not YOU would want to be pulled around by strings, I doubt that you would.

So then when we do lose control, we become angry. Never keep it bottled up inside of you. It only does so much damage to your body, both physically and mentally. Keep track of what is triggering your anger. Then move towards a Plan B, if you are your own cause for anger and frustration. Fix what needs to be fixed.

Remember, there is a difference between expressing your anger and taking it out on someone. Know what those lines are and stay away from causing yourself and your relationships so much harm and damage, and at the same time, allow your mental state to be clean and healthy. Deal with whatever it is you must deal with. Learn from mistakes if there are any, and press on in life.

The Boiling Point

“Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”~ Samuel L. Jackson as “Nevelle” in ‘Snakes On A Plane’ [2006]

Yeah buddy! That’s about right. Although I’m not currently dealing with a problem of infestation of snakes or any other poisonous animals. But the sentiment has been all the same the entire weekend from start to finish.

Ever since I was a teenage I would say whenever things would get out of hand, “All I need now is someone to fire a damned bazooka through the window and my day will be complete.”

This past weekend, I was actively looking for a bazooka so I could fire it myself!!

There was a ton of things on my plate that were just suddenly dumped on me. Things that were mainly out of my control. I was lost in a whirlwind of absolute frustration, anger, and pain. Without any chance of guard or rescue to come to my aid.

The summer heat. The fact that I thought my computer was dying. The long, drawn out days and days of trying to put travel arrangements together that was not seeming to work out in anybody’s favor. And the fact that those whom I would run for shelter were not around. All factors made for a piss poor time. All in all, things were really not all that bad, and I do think and believe that the heat was only making things worse.

There were many more factors, but I will refrain from listing everything. And honestly, it was too much! I had reached that boiling point because I never really had that much control over what was going on the entire weekend. It just left me with such negative emotions. And I knew that I could not necessarily show myself towards other friends & colleagues because I knew that my poor attitude would come through and quite frightfully, spill into them and cause them to be dragged down with me.

I needed a life raft, not an anchor.

But it really taught me something about myself when the smoke cleared. Much of the frustration was vanquished when the heat subsided, travel plans were made better to be set in stone, and I was able to talk with those whom I put my trust in.

I think that there has to come a point for me in life, where I need to better recognize the signs that things just aren’t going to be peaches & cream. And I also need to find a better way to deal with it all, before it becomes overwhelming. If I would be able to do this then I will not have to worry so much about having a repeated performance like this past weekend.

I literally thought that I was in hell. And that there was to be no letting up, no salvation. I had no other choice but to let things go and hope and pray that maybe there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. It was my only hope for me, to keep me from going postal and ending up on your local news and Internet about all the evil that I had done because I gave in to the pressure.

All weekend long, I knew that everything that was going on was too much on my plate. I kept looking for the proverbial family dog to slip under the table so I could secretly brush away some of it to the dog so it wouldn’t be so much for me to handle. But there was no dog to be found.

How does one deal with overwhelming stress and frustration? How do you deal with it?? What do you find helpful in times like these???