Measuring The Rage

“Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.”~George S. Patton

I mentioned in polite conversation that when I was about the age of 8, I made two state wide commercials for a fundraising project for the disabled.

The following day, I mentioned that I’ve been known to sing and have participated in a few band projects along the way.

The day after that, I mentioned that I was in a background shot of a TV program many years ago.

All of which was met with the same elevated surprise, wonder, and curiosity. I had anticipated a certain level of that.

Not to say that I was bragging. On the contrary, I was asked specific questions… such as “Have you ever been on television?” or “Have you ever met anyone famous?” and the like.

So when I answered in the affirmative, instead of just having the usual line of questions that would follow with the intention of going into more detail about these experiences, I was met with this overwhelming shock and surprise and disbelief from those who had heard my responses.

I just do not understand why people have to take it to such heights. I am human. I have done certain things in life that, yes granted not a lot of people can say that they have, and that’s just the way my life has gone and has been going recently. But to explode in such a manner that it is an impossibility for anyone to comprehend that I have done these things….. WHY? What makes it so damned impossible?

Am I supposed to just sit at home and do nothing? Am I subjected only to being online 24 hours of the day and never leaving my home? Am I supposed to measure up to YOUR expectations of me? The heck you say!

I get it. To a certain degree. These are things you previously had no idea that I had done these things or experienced them. I totally understand that. That’s part of why we as human beings should ask questions…. to gain that knowledge. But to receive the answers to your questions and blow steam about it so bad that its so unlikely or impossible? Seriously now, what is wrong with you??? I do not get it.

And with that, knowing there’s a certain amount of innocent ignorance… your reaction is deplorable. I’m left to sit and wonder how much of your response and reaction is TOO MUCH,  and should I be taking offense? If at all??

Personal lives are to be just that: personal. They are NOT obligated to be subject to public knowledge and opinion. Not everyone should be an open book. I for sure am not. But I will answer any question you have about my life, for as long as it feeds the curiosity… for the sake of common knowledge. And NOT for your personal amusement.

But I sit here today (at home for once) enraged from the reactions that I received. So after I make this blog post available to the public, I’m going into my box fort. Because I am out of clean blankets and sheets. And NOBODY is allowed in without the password.

Think before you respond!!!!!

Private Eyes, Part II

“I don’t believe in fate or destiny. I believe in various degrees of hatred, paranoia, and abandonment. However much of that gets heaped upon you doesn’t matter – it’s only a matter of how much you can take and what it does to you.”~ Henry Rollins

I just love how certain people that the average society would not think would come up with a brilliant thought comes out and  says something and knocks society on their ass. Good job, Henry Rollins!!

Five days ago I wrote a post that knocked people on their butts.

I knew that eventually the commentary track of others would come. And it wasn’t the point of the post. I just knew that when I set up to write in the blog, that it was  surely coming. Because I don’t normally make a habit of writing with Hulk-skinned language.

The perks of humanity is that these kind of emotions are there. Anyone who is a human being has them. You the reader, have them. I have them as well… obviously.

I made one reader nervous. Another one asked if I was okay. The rest of the people who responded to me personally in one way or another?? C’mon… REALLY?

The most common question that I received was people’s inquiry of whether or not I was speaking about them.

Part I already states that I do not speak directly about people to avoid humiliation. So how in the world can anyone assume that the post is specifically about them?

I will share the answer: Paranoia.

Paranoia is dark and very evil. It causes the brain to assume more than it should.

In this case I do have a few questions of my own to ask in return to those who were asking me if I was talking about them.

Are you ready for this?

What makes you think that it was about you? What have you said or done lately to make you think that? What wrongs have you committed against me or anyone else in this world to make you think that there was a direct link from my words to your life?

I could go on to any social networking site right now and post “I HATE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and there WILL be an outpouring of a percentage of people who will see that and in some way someone is going to start inquiring about my mental state, or wonder who or what had prompted such a thing.

But because of my post five days ago I have people hiding from me. They are assuming that I am thrashing them across the pages of my blog. They understand that I was pissed off. So they hide, waiting for it to blow over. Which it has.

These are the people that I spoke of in Part I,  those who read the blog in private. Those that I do not realize are reading it. And then when I come out spitting fire and venom, they come out of the shadows and assume I am attacking them.

REALLY NOW??

Again, paranoia is very evil and misleading. But paranoia (in this case) is unnecessary. Had these people who were asking me if I was talking about them had only changed their tactic and asked what was wrong, they would have found out the truth and there wouldn’t have been any need for this kind of rubbish.

And by the way, I do not hate life.

Author’s note: As this is my 420th blog post, there were some people who were keeping count. They wondered if I would discuss the subject of marijuana and other drugs. I am sorry. Even though I do have my own choices and opinions on the matter, I refuse to post that kind of thing on this blog. 

 

Always Ask!!

“Don’t Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.”~ Miguel Angel Ruiz

 

This quote right here would be just enough for this post. I do not think that I could have said this any better than what is written.

 

There’s just that one thing that separates us from our lives, good from bad, and that is the assumption. The assumption is something that you are taking for granted. For the most part through communicative issues, the assumption will always lead into dangerous territory. And it doesn’t matter if you know the person two years or eleven years or fifty years.

 

I do not see the problem with adding one question into a conversation when doubt and confusion arise.

 

“What did you mean by that?”.

 

Trust me, if the person you are talking to is just as concerned with getting their point across without confusion, they aren’t going to mind it too much to give a brief summary and explanation as to what they just said. And once that is understood, the conversation can proceed as usual.

 

I found myself the other night having to do the same thing. In my head, I had assumed what the other person was meaning but just to be safe I asked about it. And very forunate to say that I was right all along but it could’ve been a mess if I was wrong.

 

To live in the world of assumptions and taking for granted what people are saying to us, is a very plausible and agonizing direction to take into the descent of madness.

 

My own personal thought is that there is nothing wrong with asking for clarification. “Always ask, never assume.”

 

CYA is just a part of life. You must do for yourself rather than allow the smallest bit of misdirection guide you into the pitfalls of frustration. If you don’t cover your ass, then you’re going to end up looking like one.

 

There’s never been any situation or circumstance throughout human history where asking a question was a “bad idea”. It only seems like a “bad idea” when we are faced with answers that we either were not expecting or hoping for. Generally the question itself was not bad.

 

Always ask. Take the moments away from the conversation to find out for sure what the person is talking about. Gain that knowledge and better understanding so that you are still on the same page.

 

 

 

Dumping Assumptions

Before anyone begins to cry foul over this post, let me just say that I am going to try to handle this specific subject matter with as much ease as possible, so that my own discernment is not misunderstood.

If I were to add a quote along with this post as I have in many posts before, I think that we all know which would be the preferred selection. This is about assumptions. And since we all already know one by heart, there really is no need for it to be posted here.

With being the totally social person that I am, in that I love to meet new people and make friends, there are those times when an introduction is made and right away I can tell that it probably isn’t going to work out in the end. And so instead of suffering through from beginning until I’ve reached the inevitable end, I simply make the choice not to go after it and allow it to dissolve on its own. Still, I have been told that people have enjoyed my company for one reason or another. I believe that it is always nice to hear something like that. Of course, who really wants to hear something like “You are totally boring! Go away!!”. Well… those who are self-sadistic maybe, but not I.

I have found myself in the past week at three different times, being pulled into a game of “match making” shall we say? Nothing thrilling to write home about by any means, but I guess something to break the monotony of this week’s slow activity. I was introduced to some people by some others that I know.

All of that was fine, until I found out that the reason why these people decided to make the introductions in the first place- was because I have a physical disability and the people in which I was being introduced to some people who ALSO had some kind of disability.

Now I am not talking down against the actual act of the introduction to these people. I am sure that they are wonderful in their own ways as every one of us really and truly are. But what I am vehemently against was the assumption that this person knew two people with disabilities, I and the other person, and believed that some sort of connection would be made based on that fact alone.

As I stated, this happened three times with three separate people over three separate events. The fourth? Well, I actually did find some merit within that person and some interest, so I stuck with it and traded my contact information with them. But the other three was solely based on the other person’s assumptions that “we’d get along great!”, because we have something in common.

Well no, not really. Two of them had different disabilities than mine. Far different lives they live than I do. I can only imagine what they have to go through on a daily basis and by comparison would probably bet money that my life is a bit easier than theirs. But because of the only commonality between these people and myself were that there was a disability… doesn’t always mean that we will automatically end up giving each other the label of BFF.

Yet I was really nice and polite with everyone involved in these awkward instances. It was no surprise to myself and to the other disabled people that we did not make that perfect fit for a friendship. The ones that made the original introductions, stood there scratching their heads in great confusion.

One of them literally came up to me and whispered, “I don’t know what’s going on! I thought you two would hit it off… because you two are so alike, with the wheelchair and all.”

WHAT?!??

#1- Clearly, you are mistakened. #2- You do not know me as well as you thought you did. #3- You did not think this all the way through.

The commonality in this specific example was the fact that the other person uses a wheelchair for mobility. They were not born with Spina Bifida, nor do they have any kind of physical disability in which they deal with on a day to day basis that is medically based. They have the need for the use of a wheelchair because in their past, they were struck by a train and are now confined for the rest of their life to a wheelchair. That was the only thing that was in common.

I really wished that society would think twice before making decisions like these. It really would get rid of any kind of humiliation to be suffered by any one, including those who have made the decisions to assume. Then, it would have been a lot easier on everyone with no pressure.

Now had I gone up to my colleague and they said, “Oh hey, this is ______ , they were struck by a train a few years ago and now use a wheelchair.”, then that probably would have gone over a lot easier than assuming that they would make a perfect match. (Even though it probably would have offended the person from the train accident for having someone else volunteer their personal lives. Probably to the point where it would have still gone over better if they had left it to me to ask them why they were disabled.)

Who knows what could’ve happened then? I might have been able to make a new connection and friendship. But because it was based on an assumption and the entire situation was made uncomfortable for every one there, it failed.

Just because I like women with green hair and three boobs, doesn’t mean you should come up to me and assume that I am going to like your friend who also has green hair and three boobs. Or even white hair and three boobs. You probably just should allow those kinds of decisions to be left up to be made by me.

So I hope that I have not come across like some jerk in this post. Life is frustrating enough for me personally without someone trying to make me into a character from a novel by Anne Rice. Having people lump me together with another group of people based on an outward appearance that shows commonality. It is ridiculous. And I don’t have to say just how stupid it is to assume.

My humiliation from these experiences wore off when I departed from them.  The same probably goes for the other people in which I was introduced. But those who dared to assume that they had someone that would be “perfect” for me will probably bear their shame for some time to come.

Things Aren’t Always What They Seem

Cognitive distortions are exaggerated and irrational thoughts identified in cognitive therapy and its variants. They are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves. It is those things in our minds that constantly catch us day in and day out, and most certainly the causes of our bad days whenever they appear. And it dilutes those bad days that we have, into having worse ones.

Let me list for you the 15 most common cognitive distortions. You can see for yourself which ones you have always fallen to, and which ones you have caught your brain doing the thinking for you, when in fact the truth of the matter is that things weren’t so bad in the first place. It will surprise you how many times you have gone through this without knowing it. I know that it did for me, when I first heard about these.

1. Filtering.

 

We take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted.

2. Polarized Thinking.

 

Things are either “black-or-white.” We have to be perfect or we’re a failure–there is no middle ground. You place people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and situations. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

3. Overgeneralization.

 

We come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, we expect it to happen over and over again. A person may see a single, unpleasant event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

4. Jumping to Conclusions.

 

Without individuals saying so, we know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, we are able to determine how people are feeling toward us. For example, a person may conclude that someone is reacting negatively toward them and don’t actually bother to find out if they are correct. Another example is a person may anticipate that things will turn out badly, and will feel convinced that their prediction is already an established fact.

5. Catastrophizing.

 

We expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as “magnifying or minimizing.” We hear about a problem and use what if questions (e.g., “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to me?”).

For example, a person might exaggerate the importance of insignificant events (such as their mistake, or someone else’s achievement). Or they may inappropriately shrink the magnitude of significant events until they appear tiny (for example, a person’s own desirable qualities or someone else’s imperfections).

6. Personalization.

 

Thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to us. We also compare ourselves to others trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc. A person sees themselves as the cause of some unhealthy external event that the were not responsible for. For example, “We were late to the dinner party and caused the hostess to overcook the meal. If I had only pushed my husband to leave on time, this wouldn’t have happened.”

7. Control Fallacies.

 

If we feel externally controlled, we see ourselves as helpless a victim of fate. For example, “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor, my boss demanded I work overtime on it.” The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For example, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?”

8. Fallacy of Fairness.

 

We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won’t agree with us. As our parents tell us, “Life is always fair,” and people who go through life applying a measuring ruler against every situation judging its “fairness” will often feel badly and negative because of it.

9. Blaming.

 

We hold other people responsible for our pain, or take the other track and blame ourselves for every problem. For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and emotional reactions.

10. Shoulds.

 

We have a list of ironclad rules about how others and we should behave. People who break the rules make us angry, and we feel guilty when we violate these rules. A person may often believe they are trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything.

For example, “I really should exercise. I shouldn’t be so lazy.” Musts and oughts are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When a person directs should statements toward others, they often feel anger, frustration and resentment.

11. Emotional Reasoning.

 

We believe that what we feel must be true automatically. If we feel stupid and boring, then we must be stupid and boring. You assume that your unhealthy emotions reflect he way things really are — “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”

12. Fallacy of Change.

 

We expect that other people will change to suit us if we just pressure or cajole them enough. We need to change people because our hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.

13. Global Labeling.

 

We generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. These are extreme forms of generalizing, and are also referred to as “labeling” and “mislabeling.” Instead of describing an error in context of a specific situation, a person will attach an unhealthy label to themselves.

For example, they may say, “I’m a loser” in a situation where they failed at a specific task. When someone else’s behavior rubs a person the wrong way, they may attach an unhealthy label to him, such as “He’s a real jerk.” Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded. For example, instead of saying someone drops her children off at daycare every day, a person who is mislabeling might say that “she abandons her children to strangers.”

14. Always Being Right.

 

We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” Being right often is more important than the feelings of others around a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, even loved ones.

15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy.

 

We expect our sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if someone is keeping score. We feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come.

Pretty heavy stuff. It is my own personal theory that when we beat ourselves up, is when cognitive distortions are working at their greatest. Things happen when we don’t want it to happen, or things don’t happen when we expect them to. So when we begin to think about it, our brain goes down that dark and winding road that never seems to end, trying to come up with the answers by ourselves without any burden of evidence. It is our humanly assumptions that come into view and we believe what we want to believe.

This happened to me several times yesterday. A long time friend of mine ran into me and we chatted for a bit before we had to part ways. I gave them my telephone number and they said that they were going to give me a call to catch up with life around 9:00 PM. I had plans already made but because I had made the choice to want to speak with them, I cancelled what was already on my personal schedule. I made the decision to make room for this person so that I would be available to speak on the phone with them. But when 9:30 PM rolled around, I almost immediately began to wonder why in the world the telephone wasn’t ringing. I was trying to make up something in my mind that sounded like a rational explanation for the reason why it was appearing this person was either standing me up or blowing me off.

The phone call finally did come at 10:00 PM. One hour later than what was originally talked about. I was given the reason that this person was in a place where there was no cell phone signal, and decided to drive home and call me from there.

Now I knew that they only had a cell phone. It was something that they had just told me earlier that day. It was something that was not allowed to enter into my mind because I was making myself believe that this person was being a complete jerk towards me, and I kept thinking about how much fun I was missing because I had cancelled my earlier plans. If I had only remembered the fact that they were only able to get ahold of me through a cell phone, I wouldn’t have been so hard on them, in my own mind.

After I had a nice chat with my friend, I went to read my e-mail messages.

A colleague of mine had responded to an inquiry that I had written to them just a few days before. They said that they were at work still and checking their messages while on their break, but they were planning to respond to my inquiry when they got home. Which they had suspected would be in a couple of hours. So then why did I begin the process of checking my e-mail inbox at 12:02 AM early this morning and kept hitting the “refresh” button almost every 15 seconds to 5 minutes? Because it was said, “I might be able to write to you in a couple of hours.” That was the direct quote.

By 1:15 AM this morning, there was still no e-mail. I had absolute zero correspondence beyond what they had told me before. And what I thought made things worse is that they hadn’t even remotely addressed the subject to which had caused me to inquire in the first place.

Again, I could feel my mind being flooded with the possible scenarios of “what if“?

Two hours had come and gone and there was no particular evidence of this colleague was even having the desire to respond to me. I tried to come up with excuses. I tried to come up with reasons. But it still angered me to the point where I was just lost in confusion. “A couple of hours” means “a couple of hours”. To me, it was all black & white. I filtered into my head that I was getting messed around with. I also filtered into my head that this person was being a real pain in the butt with me. That they did nothing to me, but lied.

Around 2:30 AM, I had given up. I had turned in for the night, but could not sleep. My mind still wandered around in the pitfalls of cognitive distortions as I came up with every little detailed story, lie, or excuse that they could ever tell me for whenever they finally did respond back to me. It made my bad night into a worse night and sleep was very much lost.

It was so bad for me that I got up out of bed one full hour later and checked my inbox yet one more time. Only to find it as empty as I had left it the last time.

From some miracle though, I did manage to fall asleep at some point. I woke up though at my usual time. I felt exhausted, confused, depressed, and continually bothered by the fact that I was completely stunned at the fact that when I had gone to bed, this person still had not contacted me. All I could do was keep saying to myself, “Wow!”. Someone whom I had “believed” to be a trusted individual to the point where I know that they would always keep their word.

I would however, overcome this. This morning I started to think to myself that I just simply do not know what the reasons are as to why I have not heard from them. That there could be a million and one things that could have prevented them from writing me back. And I would slowly drift into the realms of insanity and distrust of all mankind with that colleague at the front of the firing line, if I had allowed myself to sit and think about them all, trying to rationalize everything when I simply had nothing concrete to base my thoughts upon.

Humans are flawed. We are filled with making mistakes. It is up to us to understand this. Just because we do not get our way doesn’t mean that the corners of the world are going to start to crumble and the earth fall apart into oblivion. The best thing that I could do for myself in this situation was to allow the possibilities that there will come a time when my colleague will write in the future. If we allow ourselves to believe what we want, we will never be happy. We must allow for others to make their own decisions in life and if there are consequences, they are the ones that must deal with it. Our own mental health and sanity greatly depends on our ways of allowing what we decide to believe what our brains are telling us.

I know that for myself, I need to allow others to be able to explain themselves when plans don’t work out the way we hope for. As the saying goes, “What will be, will be.” We can either embrace that and live stronger, more healthy mental lives or we can fight for what we believe is true without any regard towards others and just allow our lives to slump into despair and thus become more miserable than we had ever thought would be possible. Life wasn’t meant to be easy but it doesn’t have to be hell.