Growth, Chapter I

That says it all right there in the image. I think I’ll leave the size of it as is, so that anyone who reads this has no mistake in understanding.

I swear though that I come up with something new each and every week that is either life changing or mind changing in the very least.

Allowing someone else to own the keys to happiness doesn’t create more happiness. It just forbids you to be happy when you want to be happy… and that only scratches the surface.

What a difference life has changed in the past 1,177 days.

The effort of being the “perfect friend” or at least the putting forth the effort to prove that I am the one true honest friend does come with personal limitations.

What I have learned in this growth is that those people who are willing to push you beyond your personal limitations, really are people who are just willing to use up your kindness, your time, your energy and focus on them and never on you.

In those one thousand plus days, I’ve stopped “wearing the tie” and in fact, I’ve thrown them all away. The lesson finally sank in that one does not have to sacrifice in making the effort of keeping a friendship alive. All I had received was numerous nights of lost sleep, frustration, and one sided conversations.

One question remains to be legitimate in any relationship: WHAT ARE YOU GETTING OUT OF IT BY BEING IN IT???

I found myself faced with that question only to find that the answer for me was: Nothing.

Or if it was “something” it was anything that would be deemed undesirable.

In many cases I had placed my happiness in the hands of others. Especially with those that I wanted to prove to be the one true honest friend. What was I getting out of it? Nothing. Or something I didn’t want.

Besides, in the almost 3 years and 3 months since … the list of people that I felt I needed to prove something fall into categories that I never thought would be possible.

#1- I no longer associate with them.
#2- Involvement in a one-sided relationship.
#3- Responsibility of my happiness was in the hands of others. And 99.9% of those people’s hands didn’t care in the end.

Anyone that I “wore the tie” for either is out of my social circles or no longer seeks me counsel, or ear as it were.

I know that this seems scattered, but allow it to sink in for a while. It will make sense.

The big question is WHAT DO YOU GET OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS? 

IF you come up with nothing- then perhaps its time to end things.

I simply refuse to “attempt to be there for someone” who dares to take advantage of the situation. And nobody should be treated like that. As well as your happiness is your own. Don’t allow others to dictate it.

 

 

When Reality Strikes

“Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.”~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

Three people were arrested and charged with murder in Alabama in the last week. The tale of the murder is very bloody and horrific.

 

But we hear about these kinds of stories all of the time in the news and on the Internet. So then why am I talking about a crime that happened in a place that I have never been to before? 

 

Reason: One of my friends lives there. It has become personal.

 

We hear about crimes happening all of the time. A murder happening somewhere in the country or something else that was so awful that it spread to nationwide news. Just in the past few days, Virginia Tech had another school shooting. It was not as tragic as the one several years ago, but it was in the news.

 

Still, it surrounds us. But we have become numb to the fact that these crimes are happening. Why? Because it was not something that was personal.

 

But it is personal to those who are involved.

 

This murder in Alabama happened, and three are in jail and awaiting court in the morning as I am told. The person who seems to have been responsible for the crime, is the best friend of someone whom I am friends with.

 

Nobody honestly pays attention, until some how it is related to you personally. Like I said, I wasn’t there. But that’s where my friend lives. And she’s most likely filled with the anguish of confusion, doubt, disbelief, and everything else that you can think of. Yet I don’t want to put words into her mouth or force different emotions upon her. The bottom line is that this cold reality has struck her and she is dealing with it. I wished I could help her.

 

The three who were arrested admitted to the crime. And now my friend believes that the one with whom she was close to, that is involved, won’t becoming back. As she said in her own words on the telephone with me just moments ago, “It’s like a death in the family.”

 

But there’s a lot of people that I am sure that has gone to her and offered their help. Being swarmed by people with promises of “if you ever need anything”, although helpful at times, probably is not what she is going to be needing from me as her friend.

 

Then again, I do not know exactly what she needs from me at this point. But whatever it is, I am confident that she will seek me out for it, and I will be there to the best of my own abilities to be there for her in that time.

 

The person who allegedly committed this crime was someone that she knew most intimately and personally. Spending time together with one another’s families. Being in one another’s homes and everything. I cannot imagine nor would I pretend to imagine just how lost and empty she feels right now. Nor this person’s mother and his family. Nor even the family of the victim. I can’t think of what ALL people involved in this horrible, horrible event are going through at the moment.

 

But my point is this: We tend to not give much of what we hear a second thought. But that all changes when things happen that hit so close to home. Especially if it directly hits home.

 

I find it amazing that’s how life will sometimes work.

 

I’ve not had this kind of life experience before. And even though I am not there, and I am not involved first-hand, it has been something that has struck me as well. Because I know that my friend is hurting badly right now.

 

Yet I hope that soon, I will be able to be there for my friend in the exact and precise way that she needs in order to help her get through this. I do not know what that will be. I will have to cross that bridge when I get to it.

 

 

Pouring Ashes

“Don’t pour ashes on those who are willing to save you from the flames.”

There are many types of people in the world. Many of them who have a lot to offer and in many different ways too. We all some how fit in this giant puzzle we call life.

We all have a purpose, and a calling. Some people know what it is that they are meant to do, and others it takes time to learn and process before they know what it is.

There are those people in the world that will bend over backwards, go flat-broke, and even sacrifice their own selves for the benefit and happiness of others. They are giving people and that is what they know they enjoy doing.

Naturally, there is nothing wrong with wanting to help someone. In fact, we all should probably do a little bit more than we actually do in everyday life. Not to say that we should always try to go above and beyond, but if we just do a little more each day to the best that we can, life could be so much easier for ourselves and others. Because we never know when we might need someone ourselves.

Let’s face it, we all need help sometimes. It just would be nice to know that we have someone to give us a little extra push whenever we need it. And when we find that in someone, we actually feel better and more confident as we battle our every day demons.

There are those who help and there are those who need help. There’s no other way of putting it. Sometimes the roles will reverse and sometimes the roles will stand on their own.

So when we get to the point where we are in trouble, we call out for help in whatever way that we can. If we are blessed enough, those around us will come and save us from our dark hour and take us out of the proverbial building that is completely engulfed in flames.

How wonderfully enriched we are to have them.

And when the flames die down and there’s nothing much else to do but to go back and save what is left, we are amongst the ashes of the disaster- but we are alive!!

Isn’t that the most important part?

But what most saved people in this hypothetical sense of speaking often forget is that there is someone who just stepped away from their OWN lives in order to save them. It might not have been too tedious or difficult in what it was that they did or it might not even seem like there was much effort involved. The fact of the matter is that they stopped whatever it was that they were doing to do it.

Where is the appreciation?? Did they happen to thank them after the initial time of rescue??? Unfortunately we often forget to show our appreciation for those who did help us. And for a few select people, they never even bother with it at all.

Often times when we are saved, we look up to the person who did it. They instantly become “our hero”. For whatever reason, we believe that what they had done for us was heroic and that I guess would be just a matter of personal opinion. But for those people who enjoy helping others, they are never going to see themselves as “a hero”. Those who are saved will always remember that time when that person did help them. And so that is how they feel.

For many though, it turns into a negative behavior when someone shows enough kindness for nothing. They believe that no matter what you are doing, no matter what is going on with your life, that all they have to do is start to call and you are going to jump to your feet and save them again.

They start to take advantage of your good nature and kindness. And honestly, it totally is wrong.

I believe that no man or woman was built with the sole purposes of being at someone’s beck and call. That is only my personal opinion.

I believe that I am one of those kinds of people that are willing to stop and help someone, to the best of my own abilities. And I think that in many cases, I have been successful. But I will tell you: I will be absolutely adamant and opposed to your selfish behavior if you for one fraction of a second believe that since I did help you once or twice or one-hundred dozens times, that I will be there for every single little thing. There will come a time when your selfish nature will expose itself, and I will realize it and that will be the end of it. For good.

Saving you from the flames is not a question of whether or not I can. Neither is it a case of whether or not I want to. If I don’t want to, then I simply will not. But those who know me a little better know that I will do whatever it takes. And that is only because I know that they would do the same for me in my hour of need.

I am talking about once I realize that I am being taken advantage of, then your goose is so cooked. And there will definitely be no discussion about it.

Therefore do not take the ashes of your previous fires and dump them on me, and expect me to still be there for you when you’ve abused me by doing that.

The best way to avoid it is to actually show your appreciation for what was done for you in the first place. Whether almost immediately afterwards or a day or a week or a month later. The point is, be full of gratitude because someone’s life was some how interrupted in order to save you. If you do so, you’re going to greatly reduce the cognitive thought that they are being taken advantage of, especially after a certain point of saving you time and time and time again.

The other day, I was on the phone with my best friend and I thanked them for saying something to me that just turned into a situation where it was unavoidable to smile. I had verbalized it and I really don’t think that they had heard that too much from me. It is something that I really intend on working on.

Had I not said thank you to them for anything that they’ve done, I am sure that they would have paused and wondered whether or not they were being taken advantage of. They didn’t say it, but I think that it touched their heart just to hear the two word phrase “thank you”.

Manipulators and the selfish however will always show themselves. In time, their poor and hurtful natures towards people will surface.

As I said, we all are going to have our fires. We all are going to find ourselves in a moment where we are in need of someone’s help. Even those who help others have a time of personal need. That’s just life.

If we show that we are appreciative and thankful, and never dump the ashes from the old fires on those who are willing to help, we will be presented with the opportunity for a strong and solid friendship with those people. The perfect example is when you see or hear on the news about how a disaster struck and someone completely from out of nowhere came to help. Those people usually will connect later on, at a personal level after the disaster or crisis has initially ended. Some of the times, it creates a new relationship and a chance and hope for friendship.

Those who are selfish though will see that they just might have someone on their side that would help them in a real crisis. The problem is that they suck the life out of you by showing no restraint or appreciation and continually bombard you with their life’s infernos and expect you to come flying to their aid with sires blaring. Even if we don’t have sirens. They will be waiting for you to come through for them over and over and over again.

If it is not something that you cannot do, or feel that you cannot or should not be doing, then never, NEVER succomb to someone’s beck and call. Especially if your own life is becoming impacted in a negative way. Save yourself!!! Because you cannot save others if you are not in a position to do it. If you are crumbling yourself, you’ll only make things worse for everyone involved.

Be a friend. Be strong. And yet overall, be smart.

One-Sided

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”  ~Marcel Proust

I would have to say that this is insanity. Maybe I’m just too burnt to a crisp at the moment or maybe I am not thinking clearly. But for now that’s what I will call it….. insanity.

My best friend called me after 11 PM the other night, and vented. I said nothing, with the exception of asking a few questions to make sure that I was understanding what they were saying. They felt better, took a deep breath and let it out. After that, they said “thanks” and hung up.

That’s fine. I believe that is a big part of the friendship. The sad thing is that they vented about this scenario about how someone ELSE called them to talk and vent, but gave no consideration to my best friend’s schedule or personal life. None at all.

Dear readers, I think that it is redundant to say but I will anyways: I don’t like it when people screw around with my friends and take advantage. I am certain that nobody likes it when their close friends and loved ones are messed with in any way.

Having a one-sided relationship with anyone, isn’t cool. It also isn’t healthy. I don’t know the full scope of the story with regards to my best friend. All I know is that they are receiving this person’s dumping night after night after night and there’s not been a lot of consideration for my best friend’s feelings, or time.

A neighbor of mine suffered a personal assault on their feelings as they were speaking to someone else and they were gathering the impression that the other person was just there to talk about themselves. So again, someone vented with me about this and I just couldn’t believe what all I was hearing.

Friends do not abuse friends!!

A friendship is in fact, a relationship. You take everything with it once you enter it. The good, the bad and the extremely ugly and off-putting. But you also reciprocate the good, the bad, and the extremely ugly.

I was fine when my best friend called me so late at night. The first goal was to allow them to feel better. Mission accomplished. I am fine with it because I know that I too, can turn around and vent with them whenever I am needing it. And I did so today.

But in the other case, I just was so stunned to hear that the casual conversation was just so one-sided that it gave the listener to that conversation the thoughts in their head that perhaps this was not a healthy exchange. I honestly do not know what was going on as I was only hearing one side of it. Yet it did sound like something that I too, would be upset about if someone did that to me.

Friendships are (or at least should be) based and have a foundation of mutual love and respect for one another. When someone takes advantage of that, the friendship immediately begins to crumble and fall apart. What in the world would make a person believe that they are still going to be maintain relationships with people when they are totally wreckless without regard towards others? What makes them believe that its okay to get everything off of their chest that is bothering them, without the consideration of the person who is listening and what they are or are not able to withstand? What is it about a person that makes them talk about “me, me, me” and not about “us, us, us”? There is a great responsibility when it comes to having to be the listener, and that is something personally I have understood.

It breaks my heart that this crap is going on with people that I love so much and hold dear. And yeah, today– I’m breaking the silences and probably just letting off a lot of steam.

There’s taking, but there is also something called “receiving”. If you are a true friend, you would do both! And to do both actions graciously, willingly, and without prejudices.

I always brag about “being on-call” 24 hours a day, seven days a week for my friends and loved ones. If you have someone who is like this, then you truly are blessed. Someone that you can turn to, someone to confide in all your deepest, most darkest of hours. But keep in mind, if this is someone whom you consider a friend then you should in a certain sense be aware that your turn might come to be the one who is listening.

If you are a person who is constantly taking advantage of your friends, living this proverbial see-saw life in a see-saw relationship then I can absolutely without a doubt, guarantee you this: The relationship WILL FAIL.

There will come a time when you decide to take just that much more from a person, and they will bitch slap you right in your tracks and because you are unwilling to admit your transgression, will be stunned when you feel their sting. Once the sting subsides, you’ll find yourself all alone and that person is gone because they’ve had enough of you taking advantage of them and have terminated the relationship.

Realize what you are doing towards others, when you ask them for help. Understand there are SHOULD be boundaries, and that you should stay within them. But also understand that you should open up and reciprocate.

And if you are the kind of person who totally desires to be there for your friends and loved ones, then more power to you. Yet set your boundaries and do not allow yourself to be bulldozed by those who are selfish. Stand up for yourself and let them know what is what.

It isn’t love, it is hateful. And that’s the way the person is going to feel once they’ve had enough. Stop taking advantage of those people you call your friends.

Rant Responsibly

“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”~ Phyllis Diller

So one of my best friends just called me and good grief she was pissed!! (Word to the wise: NEVER piss off a redhead.)

She informed me as to why she was so angry and then told me about how she felt about the situation. I sat there practically silent and waited for her to either just hang up or announce that she was done ranting and venting.

By the time she hung up the phone, she thanked me for allowing her to do that. She’s fine now and said she felt better.

And if anyone knows me, they know that I am the kind of person that is going to allow her and just about anyone else to get things off of their chest, particularly if they are close to me as the person is in this case. So I had no problem with it, yet I was smiling at the end when she thanked me. Perhaps a rare occurence when people rant and vent to me about whatever.

It got me to thinking about something. There’s a lot of ranting and venting that goes on in this day and age. And a lot of it is really not handled in the best of ways. I think that a lot of the times people just bitch and moan and scream all that they want, and that they think its okay because all they are doing is venting. There’s a difference between flying off at the mouth and getting things off your chest.

There is or at least there should be an unspoken ideal that ranting should be done responsibly. Both for the person who is talking, and for the person who is supposed to be listening.

There is nothing wrong with a rant. There is nothing wrong with getting things off your chest. However, if the person who is doing the ranting just goes on and on and on and on without any regard for the person who is listening, then what are they doing, really?? Basically nine times out of ten, they are just talking and screaming only to hear themselves speak. And that’s where the wrongful doing comes into effect.

If something is bothering you, and you know you have someone that will listen to you and you trust them… it is okay to go to them. It is okay to get things out in the clear and search for some kind of peace in a moment of turmoil. But it turns into something bad and NOT okay when you just do it … only to do it and whenever you want to do it. That is what is called “taking advantage of someone”.

Even though in that exact moment where you are letting loose, have some compassion towards others. If you abuse your friends, you will surely lose them in the end. They will scatter like the breeze because they have reached their limitations to what they can handle from all of your screaming.

There is a line. Make sure that you know where it is.

And it also goes for those who are listening. We do listen because we care. We do listen because we want to be able to be there for those whom we care about. So when it is our turn to listen, we need to do so with great intent on hearing everything that is being said, without blowing it off. Believing that whatever it is that they are saying to us is not important would be a mistake because it obviously is for them. Listeners too, must have compassion. We must realize that in that moment, they are not “okay”, and you clearly would want them to be okay in the end. Do not take them for granted.

Sometimes it will be a case of the listener having the opportunity to provide feedback or advice, other times it will just be the case of being there and shutting up. A lot of the times, those who are listening don’t have to say anything because the person who is ranting is already comforted by that fact that you are there and listening. And their battles are already half over.

In my own opinion, I feel it necessary to provide feedback and advice/suggestions. Particularly in cases that are more detailed. If it is just a quick growl and then you are feeling better, then perhaps feedback is not called for. But for those times when a rant or a vent becomes “a therapeutic session”, then yes: I will feel obliged to offer my feedback and suggestions for you. Whether you follow the advice that I give (knowing that I am not a professional), is up to you. But if you don’t- and things get worse because you don’t, then you don’t have much of a leg to stand on to come back and complain some more.

But as I said, not all of the time will feedback be warranted.

Treat them with kindness. Again, with compassion.

I do receive a lot of people who rant when they speak to me. It is because they have been told by me that it is okay for them to do so. Which has been my choice. In fact to those people that are within my inner circle, I encourage it.

No, there are not a lot of times where I am able to rant and vent when I would like to. Is it fair? Probably not. But that’s just the way it is. These people who are close to me, know its okay to go on ranting and rambling. And they also know that as long as they feel better when they are done, then I’m okay with it.

I’ve always been there for friends and loved ones and I am sure that I always will be. And who knows, perhaps there will come a time when they will reciprocate. But currently, I haven’t much to rant to them about personally. It seems a bit better at the moment for me to listen, rather than to speak.

So please rant responsibly. Know that it takes two. And both individuals that are involved, are humans with feelings and emotions. Don’t trample them by taking advantage or just up and dismissing them.