A World Made Up Of Choices

“When you wake up every day, you have two choices. You can either be positive or negative; an optimist or a pessimist. I choose to be an optimist. It’s all a matter of perspective.”~ Harvey Mackay

As of lately, I have been noticing something that is beginning to not only be trending (for lack of a better term) but alarming.

Social media websites are being used time and time and time again for PSA purposes.

Many people have taken to the pulpit now to spread whatever message they desire.

With it being politics time again in the United States of America, there is an unspoken promise that there will be individuals who express themselves through their political beliefs. It happens every time an election is upcoming.

Some people will cheer, others will jeer.

But I’m not here to talk about politics. I’m not about to unravel about how you have the choice to talk about politics because we already know that you do. Some just act upon them.

I’ve noticed that people that I know on social media have been giving out these very long and lengthy, paragraph-like statuses to explain to their “friends” that they’ve come to a decision and have made one and why they have made that decision.

The choice is within all of us, we make decisions based on what we prefer to choose every day.

However, why are we spreading the news about WHY we made that choice??

This is the issue I am speaking of here.

For whatever reason, I am continually CHOOSING to press the “Unfollow” button on Facebook on so many people because of their incessant need to explain themselves for whatever they have recently said or have done.

In recent times, I was at an event and I was explaining that I had gone somewhere out of town and came back within 24 hours. The person that I was talking to repeatedly kept asking me why I did what I did and said what I said.

My final response to why was “Because I could.” And I gave no further answer, rhyme, reason, or explanation.

I didn’t really have to.

And that’s the point. There’s been this unnecessary “need” to explain everything and anything. Why is that, though???

I woke up this morning and got dressed, putting on a t-shirt I collected at SXSW Music Festival 2015. Why? There is no why. I just did it.

We as human beings have our boundaries. We have our reasons and rhymes. But as of lately a lot of these human beings have either forgotten or failed to see that we are allowed to have them and we do not live in any society on the planet where we are bound by laws, to HAVE to explain ourselves.

Our boundaries are our boundaries. I do not want to do that – because I do not want to do that. And that’s all anyone else needs to know.

I feel that we need to do better taking care of ourselves in that respect. Some have, others fail.

But with anything, practice makes perfect. If we just tried. We wouldn’t HAVE to make these weird announcements for our lives. We would not HAVE to get on the pulpit and preach our decisions to …. basically, a world of people who don’t give a damn to begin with. (With some exceptions. Some will care.)

Then again it is OUR choice to decide whether or not we wish to tell those who care the reason or rhyme behind our decision.

So I’m standing up against the awful cliché that we HAVE TO EXPLAIN OURSELVES. Because we don’t.

Let’s better ourselves.

Growth, Chapter I

That says it all right there in the image. I think I’ll leave the size of it as is, so that anyone who reads this has no mistake in understanding.

I swear though that I come up with something new each and every week that is either life changing or mind changing in the very least.

Allowing someone else to own the keys to happiness doesn’t create more happiness. It just forbids you to be happy when you want to be happy… and that only scratches the surface.

What a difference life has changed in the past 1,177 days.

The effort of being the “perfect friend” or at least the putting forth the effort to prove that I am the one true honest friend does come with personal limitations.

What I have learned in this growth is that those people who are willing to push you beyond your personal limitations, really are people who are just willing to use up your kindness, your time, your energy and focus on them and never on you.

In those one thousand plus days, I’ve stopped “wearing the tie” and in fact, I’ve thrown them all away. The lesson finally sank in that one does not have to sacrifice in making the effort of keeping a friendship alive. All I had received was numerous nights of lost sleep, frustration, and one sided conversations.

One question remains to be legitimate in any relationship: WHAT ARE YOU GETTING OUT OF IT BY BEING IN IT???

I found myself faced with that question only to find that the answer for me was: Nothing.

Or if it was “something” it was anything that would be deemed undesirable.

In many cases I had placed my happiness in the hands of others. Especially with those that I wanted to prove to be the one true honest friend. What was I getting out of it? Nothing. Or something I didn’t want.

Besides, in the almost 3 years and 3 months since … the list of people that I felt I needed to prove something fall into categories that I never thought would be possible.

#1- I no longer associate with them.
#2- Involvement in a one-sided relationship.
#3- Responsibility of my happiness was in the hands of others. And 99.9% of those people’s hands didn’t care in the end.

Anyone that I “wore the tie” for either is out of my social circles or no longer seeks me counsel, or ear as it were.

I know that this seems scattered, but allow it to sink in for a while. It will make sense.

The big question is WHAT DO YOU GET OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS? 

IF you come up with nothing- then perhaps its time to end things.

I simply refuse to “attempt to be there for someone” who dares to take advantage of the situation. And nobody should be treated like that. As well as your happiness is your own. Don’t allow others to dictate it.

 

 

Boundaries Are Meant To Be Respected

“Boundaries are to protect life, not to limit pleasures.”~ Edwin Louis Cole

Everyone has boundaries. Some extreme, some not so difficult. All of them, REAL.

Even I have certain boundaries. And they are there for a reason. And to be honest, no matter if it is my boundaries or your boundaries or someone else, they are NOT up for discussion and tweaking.

Usually with those people who know me personally, I will explain that I have certain boundaries. I may or may not choose to explain why. Usually I do not explain. And I expect those boundaries to be respected. The same as you would expect your boundaries to be equally respected.

For example, if I personally tell you that I have a phobia of spiders…. this does not give you any license to conjure any and all photographs of spiders and show them to me or post them on Facebook and other social network pages, expecting to get a good hearty laugh when I see it.

That is NOT respect but disrespect. And so then you should not be surprised when I come across to you as pissed off and annoyed and less trusting in you.

I have cut off even my best friends for doing stupid stunts like that. They sent an e-mail to me that I had not known was waiting for me. They told me over the phone that it was important for me to open the e-mail and that I needed to see what photograph they attached. Only to find that it is a photograph of something that I DO have a phobia with.

I haven’t heard a single word from them since that time. Well, I should say that I have not gone out of my way to contact them.  

My boundaries are what they are. They aren’t for you to play with. And don’t for a second think that there will never be any consequences for crossing those boundaries. Never.

If it is something that you did not know before, that is one thing. I most likely will then explain to you WHY I got upset and ask you not to do it again.

If it is something you did know before, or if it was explained to you WHY it is a boundary….. and you do it again, expect very serious and negative consequences.

If I am not afraid to walk away from my best friends, what makes you think I won’t walk away from anyone because a boundary was crossed? Think twice.

This ends the soap box………………………………………

Drawing The Line On Dating & Relationships

“Falling in love and having a relationship are two different things. “~ Keanu Reeves

How I got into a conversation about sex and relationships with a female friend of mine, I just cannot remember. But I think that I brought up a few fine points that was a bit surprising to her as to what I would and would not do. As well as who I was chase and who I would not chase.

Perhaps its the idea that a male actually has some kind of boundary where a line would be drawn. Because as you well know, the stereotype is that a man will go after anything and everything that moves.

We all as humans have that list of people that just knock our socks off. Or at least in our own minds and fantasies, we believe that would be so if we ever come across the chance to be with that person in an intimate way.

I mentioned that there are no actresses from Hollywood on my own personal list. I think that probably threw my friend into shock.

I continued with my opinion that dating a Hollywood actress would be extremely difficult as their entire profession, their lifetime career is based on them being someone else, portraying another person, and pretending to be someone else.

I feel that one would run the risk of dating someone so involved in their craft that one could not tell what their  TRUE feelings are for a person. And a theory that I’ve always had is that is why there are so many divorces in Hollywood when popular celebrities get married to one another. 

Yes I know, there are exceptions. But there’s always exceptions to the rule. There ARE a small list of actresses that I would like to get to know– if you catch my drift. But deep down, that uncertainty of them not having true feelings for me is a bit of a deal breaker for me.

I am simply not the kind of person that would want to test that kind of theory. Especially if the odds are that my theory is correct. A risk I am not willing to take personally.

Along the same lines, I am not willing to chase after any woman in the pornography business. I think a majority of people can actually understand that though. If that means that I am a jealous man, then whatever. But I am also what some would consider “old school”. And still others, pious. In other words: honest, faithful, and true to the person that I have entered into a relationship with.

I could say its that kind of attitude that has found me in so much heartache and pain in the past, but I tend to think that I had made the wrong choices and found myself with someone who didn’t feel the same way about the situation as I did.

The thought of being in a relationship like that, only to know that they are gone to their work and “doing their thang” with other people and then coming home again, ehhh…. yeah, that’s NOT for me!!

The other thing that I cannot find myself doing, is dating the supermodel. The reason for that is best defined in two simple words: high maintenance.

Granted, what man wouldn’t want to be seen in public with an uber-attractive woman on his arm?? But is that beauty worth the price of what is going on inside of her head??

A lot of them have tons of issues. Personal, mental, psychological. Some are in the industry for their own self-gratification. They have the NEED to feel desired and wanted. Their own self-esteem is next to nothing. Their looks set high expectations and their personalities usually fail to deliver.

Again, there are exceptions to the rule. So this is not to say that ALL of them are like that.

But these kinds of women all have a few things in common.

These women are used to being objectified by men. All of the time. It doesn’t stop. Having to deal with pushing back these objectifying people would be exhausting.  In my own personal experiences, it has been a constant struggle to settle down the male counterparts that I dealt with when I was in any kind of serious relationship.

I even had to go as far as threaten to terminate certain friendships that I had with other men because of their constant talk about who I was with at the time.

One woman that I had a relationship with once before was actually back in my life after I broke it off with her. It was a useless attempt to try again to see if we couldn’t figure out what went wrong and correct it to make things right. 

She had the extreme nerve to express in front of one of my guy friends that she was, shall we say “well skilled” in certain aspects.

My buddy kept calling her bluff. It was something that he knew that she did NOT like. She couldn’t stand it when people would refuse to believe her and she would be damned before she quit trying anything that was on the face of the planet to convince them that she was telling the truth.

Then she offered to take him and prove it personally.

I couldn’t figure out which bothered me more, the fact that this girlfriend and I were attempting to try again, or the fact that my buddy wasn’t even cracking a smile or expressing that he was only joking with her because he knew that he could get a rise out of her. It was like he was seriously considering her offer.

I eventually spoke up and said that IF the two of them were actually going to participate in this so-called proof of action, that A- they were going to leave my home and go somewhere else far, far, far away. And B- neither one of them was to ever show their faces to me for as long as I lived.

Was it jealousy or justification???

Two days later, I kicked her out from visiting my home and went out of town for a weekend. I couldn’t have her staying in my home while I was gone, and nobody had the money needed to drag her along to pay for her.

She never returned. Then she told me that she was getting back with a different ex-boyfriend and I cut the cord from her completely.

I didn’t talk to my friend for a few months. Until he confronted me and said that he wasn’t going to leave until we hammered out the problem. Of which we did. The friendship lasted longer, the attempt to revive a disaster of a romantic relationship did not.

But as I begin to get off track here, I HATED having to do that. I am fully aware that if I am ever with a woman that there is going to be the possibility of some other man looking at her. Someone may objectify her. But when it comes to the situation of being in a relationship with a model or someone of that “caliber” then its just something that I will have to continuously keep ahead of, and that’s what I think is part of the high maintenance of it all.

I don’t like that. I’m really not that great at it as I don’t like to start confrontations. I’d much rather avoid it.

Yes, I do have those few certain someones that deep down really just flip me on like a switch. To deny that would just be foolish and misleading. But going after what some men consider the BIG PRIZE is not within my own DNA.

So I will continue on. I’ll be sure to take more risks when it comes to even talking with women. I’ll go ahead and attempt to bite the bullet so to speak. And eventually when it comes right down to it, when THAT ONE has arrived in my life, then I will move forward to build and create a new relationship. There are just certain types of relationships that I personally choose not to go after.

 

Radiation Burns

“You made me confess the fears that I have. But I will tell you also what I do not fear. I do not fear to be alone or to be spurned for another or to leave whatever I have to leave. And I am not afraid to make a mistake, even a great mistake, a lifelong mistake and perhaps as long as eternity too.”~ James Joyce

A few days ago, I was hanging out with a friend of mine who is female. I do not get to spend a lot of social time with her and so any opportunity that I am able to get my hands on, I go for it. To the best of my ability.

It was a pleasant visit with her and I really cannot complain all that much to be in her company.

All of a sudden, my cell phone began to ring. I ignored it because I was busy. But then a few minutes later, it rang again and for another time I did ignore it.

Moments later, another time it rang. So I excused myself from my friend and answered the call.

At the moment that I realized that it was not necessarily an emergency but rather a social call, I explained that I had company and was not able to sit down and socialize but I would return their call when I was at home.

I ended the phone conversation with, “Okay. I will call you later. I love you.” And then I hung up.

To which my female counterpart took that as an invitation for taunting and teasing and to play 50 questions.

No… to this day, I am not married, engaged, have a girlfriend, involved in a relationship, or gay. And these were the extent of the questions that I endured. As I said, I do not get a lot of time to hang out with this friend of mine. So it was understandable to me that she would not be aware of current events in my life. And that basically was the purpose for hanging out with her… to catch up with one another. But she could not understand why I had such an affectionate ending salutation to the conversation.

I explained that it is just who I am. That I say it to all my friends. And then things got heavy between her and I.

She said, “You do not say that to me whenever we hang up.”

My reply??

“That is because in the past when I have attempted to make such a ending salutation with you, you detonated a nuclear device to protect yourself in your own defense. And I got tired of having radiation burns.” 

As it may be very true that I do love and care for all of my friends, this still is something that I just do/say. Some accept it, some reject it. That’s just how things are with certain individuals that I choose to have in my social circles.

Some reciprocate the verbal displays of affection. Most do not.

And although I do not believe that there’s anything wrong with telling all of your friends that you love them. One must understand and respect the boundaries of other people’s feelings. You must acknowledge that some people just aren’t that expressive. To which that is not their fault. Nor is it yours.

If that is the case, just because it is not verbalized doesn’t mean that the you or the other person does not care about you. Or that you do not care about the other person. It boils down to every individual’s comfort zone. And if one person shows signs that they are not comfortable with such an exchange, you have to respect that and not push the issue.

We all have at some point gone and said the “L word” to someone and came back with such a major burn that we began to think that we wouldn’t be able to survive the night. But in reality, we all survive. Perhaps a little broken and hurt. But we learned that it is a boundary that should be noted not to cross again. In time our wounds did heal.

And I will repeat myself here: Just because its not said, doesn’t mean that its not felt.

As for my female counterpart, what I said to her would ultimately sting her. And I did make the effort to apologize for that because that was not the intention. But I made it clear that I was aware that she was not comfortable with hearing such sentiments from me as her friend, and therefore I simply stopped and respected that boundary. I also did mention that I totally enjoy the times that we spend together, as infrequent as they already are… in the hopes of mending things with her.  Going in for the kill was not the plan.

But she understood where I was coming from. And we were able to move forward with the rest of the day. And in the end when it came time to go, we hugged. So that was OUR way of sharing that particular moment of love, care, and of course– respect for one another as friends.

Pushing something on people whether its because you want them to do or say something is never the thing to do. It only causes a lot of friction in your social relationships and quite possibly, causes them harm. To which, you will end up having to switch gears and begin damage control. And that at times can become a hindering issue.

Always keep in mind: Once bitten, twice shy. If you strike and you are bitten then don’t fool with it again. How many times are you going to stick your hand inside of a fire before you say “Ouch! That burns!”

If you strike and its graciously accepted? Well, don’t abuse it either. Let things come as they may.

The greatest thing in the world is love. And love is defined in infinite ways. Don’t meddle with that. Its okay to love your friends as you love your family. Just don’t vomit your expressive feelings on them. Family is one thing, friends and social groups are totally another. Know the boundary lines.