Frustration In Patience

“A man who is a master of patience is master of everything else. “~George Savile

 

This day is hell.

 

Yeah, I know… it will get better. Or tomorrow won’t be so bad or some kind of crap like that. And yes, I know that there will come a day when it won’t be so bad or so hard. But right now in this moment? It is pure hell.

 

This morning, I was overwhelmed by many people to see me. I know that they were here for my healing processes and what not, but going through the motions has brought me beyond the point of breaking down into so many tears.

 

The wound care wasn’t so bad. But it is painful enough. And I just cannot tell whether or not I am healing because I cannot see the wound for myself. I have to rely on the judgement of nurses who come to assist with that. But now that I’m starting with a BETTER home health agency, it’s only been day 2 with them and they really have nothing to go by as to whether or not the wound is getting smaller or healing as it should or whatever.

 

While nursing staff was there, the physical therapist came in for her evaluation as my doctor told PT to come in. I’ve dealt with her before… she’s great! An awesome person, but I’ve not seen her since she discharged me from services about a month ago. I know that she had told me then that if she needed to come back, that she would. However she would not be coming back into my home if the doctor’s orders were to continue to work on the same thing that she and I had been for many months prior, which was the injury to my upper back and shoulders. As she puts it, “we’ve reached that plateau to where there’s nothing I can do that will make anything better.” She also had been doing some deep tissue massage work. (Can you seriously look me in the eye and tell me that nobody would enjoy massage work?)  So I didn’t want her to think that’s what the doctor was having her come in for. Of course she knew better. She saw that my condition had actually become worse than it was from the last time she saw me.

 

How embarrassing for me. And she said she felt sorry that she was seeing me so diminished.

 

Once the nurse left, the evaluation was nearly over. We started to talk about how things have been going for me since she last saw me, but that was stopped when podiatry came knocking on the door.

 

Triple whammy, if you will!!

 

By the time I was nearly done with the PT evaluation, I had gone through so much that I was in pure pain. And several hours away before I could take anything for it.

 

My level of patience clearly isn’t where it could be. Through my tears, I keep wishing and wishing that this was healed and I can get on with life. Not that I am not grateful for the nursing staff and their help and the agreement that PT will once again come back and work with me. But I just wished that my patience would grow. I know that I still have a long road ahead. I’ve only been out of the hospital for a week and a half. It is just like I said in a previous blog post, but with different circumstances, the NOT KNOWING how long this will take, is pushing me towards the edge of insanity.

 

I’m not as fast as I used to be. I’m not as strong as I used to be. But I am still alive and I still have my sense of humor. And I blame it all on being flat in a hospital bed for 11 days, whether that is a correct assessment or not. And now my body’s main focus is to try and heal the wound, taking what seems to be every bit of energy out of me to the point that I cannot do other things.

 

Of course PT recommends that I don’t do a thing over the weekend. But I honestly do not see how I could at this point. So I do not see a problem there.

 

Just at the point where I was telling others that things were getting better, as slow as it has been. Now I feel like I’ve gone backwards. But right now, that’s just how I feel through all of this pain and discomfort.

 

I REALLY NEED A HUG!

 

 

Elevated Elations

“Real elation is when you feel you could touch a star without standing on tiptoe.”~ Doug Larson

 

Just another couple of days and I will be on a whirlwind of postive emotions which have been eluding me for quite some time. I’m way overdue.

 

It is hard to believe at this point, but knowing that good times are ahead just completely fill me until it overflows.

 

Once more, I’ll get to see SIX MINUTE CENTURY play live. Something that I missed back in November and had practically beaten myself up over for almost a month. This time, there will be no self-brutalization! I will be there!! Not to mention the possibility of getting to meet up with my beloved friend, Jessica again.

 

But it doesn’t end with just a couple of things. I’ve added an extra day to this trip. I felt that just in case I missed someone then I could still be available to meet up with them another day while I am there. Whether or not this extra day is going to be fruitful, I do not know.

 

I would stay a lot longer but to be back the following weekend would mean that I will be participating in a sledge hockey event that is being hosted right here where I live. Plus those who are participating were given FREE tickets to see the TEXAS STARS hockey game later that first evening. I intend on bringing as many people to this weekend event as possible. I mean, who can argue with FREE, right?

 

Then shortly after that, I will celebrate my birthday.

 

My possibilities the rest of January are endless.

 

I am more excited about my travels than anything. I haven’t seen SIX MINUTE CENTURY play since last August. The people in the band’s circles, I haven’t seen since that time as well. I wonder if they miss me as much as I miss them?

 

What a crazy and wild time I will have the rest of this month. If you would have told me two years ago that I would be doing this today? I would have told you that you were reall bonkers. But, here I am… DOING IT!

 

I’m honestly grateful for having friends that will play host for me during my visit. This time around, I’ll be staying with people that I’ve not been around since I was a little child. It should be fun.

 

And of course as it is a trip centered around seeing SIX MINUTE CENTURY, my followers and subscribers and all of my online stalkers can expect a blog post on how things went.

 

What a difference eight weeks makes!!

'So Happy!'

 

So far, so good in 2012 I would say. There’s not been any catastrophic and moronic events happening around here. Or at least not around me to where it would damper my spirits.

 

Stay positive is the key. Having something to look forward that makes me totally want to burst in joy helps keep it that way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ll Take “Calgon” for $1,000 Alex!

If life were boring, then I think that it would not be worth living. At least that is my own feeling. It has definitely not been boring at all these past few days.

So let me catch you up to speed on what’s been going on with me.

A friend of mine has moved into town from the other side of the country. I’ve been trying to play catch up with him from missing so many opportunities when he was in town the last time. But this time, he’s staying. So I think that there will be plenty of more opportunities to be had just hanging out, chewing the fat and shooting the bull in the near future.

I hung out with him a lot over last weekend. Just glad that he’s in a place where he is more comfortable, happier, and in my opinion, better off. From last Friday night through Sunday afternoon it was GO, GO, GO!! Incredibly fun, but also incredibly exhausting. It all caught up with me though on Saturday. I don’t think that I got but about an hour and a half worth of sleep that night and early Sunday morning. And then it was up and at it again for much of the day. I think that by the time it was all said and done, I was toast! I literally crawled back home and had debated with myself on whether or not to slither under the covers and catch some sleep. I knew that if I had crashed out, chances were that I would not be able to sleep during the night if I had woke up again a few hours later.

My body would fight no more and I simply came unglued from my wheelchair and floated on to my bed and it was “LIGHTS OUT!”. But for only another hour and a half.

Everything from that point from Sunday evening when I awoke again until yesterday has been a complete blur. I don’t even remember what I dreamt about during those few hours of sleep that I got all weekend.

So it shouldn’t have been much of a surprise that yesterday I was a total zombie. My head spinning for much of the day, my back sore, and my mental state nearly a complete blank.

I could feel deep down that I was missing something. Something was not right, something undone. It finally came to me that I hadn’t been in communication with my new friend that I have made mention in a previous blog post. So I sent a message to them and re-established contact.

So many more factors of life that just make this world worth living in are circling around in its usual patterns. I’ve been having a hard time just jumping back into it again.

Then today was a lunch meeting. It was nothing to write home about, but I was thankful for the opportunity to go. Food always makes it better, doesn’t it?

I took a few hours off this afternoon to try and gain back my sanity before jumping back into it again tonight. Now the work of the day is all finished.

But wait, it gets “better”…

Tomorrow, I have a 9:00 AM appointment. How I wish it was an appointment with the spa! That would be nice. I think that by noon, the day will be void of appointments, meetings, and personal obligations. Then on Thursday afternoon, we do it all over again. Needless to say that work has been lacking. And will continue to lack for the next few weeks.

This weekend, my sled hockey team is supposed to travel to Houston for a weekend tournament. But it doesn’t seem likely as details are sketchy at best and nobody can decide on which would be better to go, either Saturday or Sunday? I realize that its not any fault of the team, but it sure is frustrating as this kind of tournament is exactly what the team has been craving for ever since the beginning of the hockey program. And even at this hour, nobody knows anything. Frustrating for sure.

Besides, I’ve not been able to go to practices in the past few weeks because I was trying to get over pneumonia. I am out of practice and most likely out of shape. And I expect to play in a tournament? That’s laughable.

Then four or five days after that is supposed to happen, I return to the road again for a four day trip all by myself. It promises to be a good time.  I hope to meet some really nice people that I have made contact with by e-mail in the past year or so. Its not a vacation by a long shot, but its not going to be pure stress either. I actually am looking forward to going. The sled hockey tournament this weekend in Houston though, I’m at the point that I could care less of whether or not we go. Even though the team has cried long and strong about doing something like this. If the team doesn’t go, I know that they will be disappointed. And since I have found myself in a position to hear the cries of my fellow team mates, it will be difficult for them. Difficult on me because they will be knocking on my door about how disappointed they will be.

On a more positive note, I am understanding that a cell phone will be coming my way! I’m excited about it. I’ll be able to join the ranks of the people of the 21st Century and be “mobile” with the capability of text messaging and phone calls. I surely hope that the phone comes before I take my four days of travel. It will be nice to have that option to communicate with others while I am gone. And when I am back, so that the communication lines can go a lot faster and smoother as needed. For those of you who have been complaining that I need text messaging? Neener, neener, and more neener!

I’ve made the decision to re-arrange things in my life. After seeing that my “Cognitive Distortions” post received so many views to it. To those of you who have read it and gave it so many views, I thank you.

Its time to take a break and try to cause a change for myself so that I can reach a better state of mental health. I believe that we all need to do that from time to time. There’s a lot of garbage that I need to cut out from my life.

From those of you who know me on Facebook and how I have described myself as the “online psychologist wearing the tie”, I need to bring that to a close. Not to say that I won’t be there for my friends and colleagues when they TRULY need me, but taking on more would not be a good idea at this point. At least not until all of these things that are causing higher levels of stress and exhaustion start to fade away.

I just simply refuse to neglect those who I feel are important in my life. So there are no worries for those who take such an important and vital role in my life. But as they say, “Where does a doctor go when HE gets sick?”. I aim to find those answers out for myself.

So for the time being- Where’s the Calgon???