The Second Chapter

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”~ Winston Churchill

The next part of this crazy journey since the fire is off to a good start. And just in time before Christmas.

I am so glad to be out of the hotel life. I found a new place to call home. And there’s so much going on around here that it appears to be even more social than SGC ever used to be.

But here I am and this is where I am to stay until SGC rebuilds.

Today I bought a new desktop computer which happens to be an “All In One”. I will admit it didn’t make too much sense to me at first, but I caught up.

There has been a really good response to my needs. I think that people are beginning to understand that when I say that I lost everything — I mean “everything.”

Dishes, towels, and soap and other assorted toiletries keep coming in. I also received a brand new television, a microwave, and other things. So after that, I connected internet services. But I had blasted away the data on my cell phone. I am happy that I don’t have to worry about that any more.

Things are really looking up and forward at this point. I am able to return to this blog and write as much as I want again.

I am looking forward to getting through the rest of 2018 and enter into 2019 with a new chapter in life, ever hopeful that it will be more positive.

There are some other stories that I am contemplating discussing on this blog. More of the same head-shaking nonsense that I have come across. Life does not stop because of tragedy. And apparently neither does stupidity.

Merry Christmas.

Penske Trucks Blow People’s Minds

“There is nothing more provocative than minding your own business.” ~ William S. Burroughs

Apartment complexes are starting to become a fascinating hobby. Especially the one that I reside in.

Early this morning there was a Penske moving truck in the parking lot.

Neighbors were amazed at the presence of the vehicle. I personally did not see it though. I guess it was on the other side of the property from where I am.

I did hear about it over today’s episode of morning coffee. It seemed as if nobody could figure out why the moving truck was in the parking lot at all. Nor could they figure out who it belonged to.

They failed to remember that they live in an apartment complex. A place of residence. A place where people actually come and go.

I believe that where I live, could be the exception for a majority of its residents as they are elderly and they have made their own decision to live here for the rest of their days.

That could be why they get all worked up whenever they see someone in the actual and physical process of moving their stuff out.

From what I was told, people flocked around the moving truck this morning as if they were holding a vigil for the truck gods. But they just could not figure out on their own WHO exactly was leaving.

Later on during morning coffee, a gentleman walked in to get his own cup of java. He stood back with a proud smile on his face and sheepishly announced, “I’m moving.”

Well, that answered that question!

And it should have sufficed. But you know what? This is SGC. It is never going to be enough.

I bet the guy felt like he was holding a press conference as everyone moved from where they were seated and crowded around him. Flooding his attention with more questions.

Where are you going?
When are you leaving?
Why are you leaving?
What are you going to do when you get there?
Who do you know that lives there?

Geez people. Calm the piss down!!

But the man was kind enough to go through the questions one by one and answer with them with brief responses.

He said that he was moving to Michigan.

Annnnnnd…. round TWO began!

Round two really didn’t have much in the way of asking newer questions. Just the same questions over again. This time around, asked with more curiosity and enthusiasm.

He got to the point where he stopped answering questions. And I cannot say that I blame him.

When the Q&A session was done, next came the input.

“It’s freaking cold in Michigan!”

Ummm… yeah, it is. Most of the time. Especially during winter.

But there they all stood. Eager and willing to inform him of the obvious.

After he had enough of the lecture, he spoke up and said that he had lived in Michigan for twenty years before moving to Texas.

The moment he said that, I tuned out mentally from the ongoing conversation. But it did seem as if everything wrapped up at that point. After all, if he had been there for that long … I don’t think that these Texas born citizens could offer any further knowledge that he didn’t already know.

Since I tuned out, I cannot even say for sure that anyone had wished him well as he said that he was leaving in about a week’s time. Poor guy.

Usually from what I have experienced with other people in the past who have moved out. They’ve either found a better living condition OR they had made the decision to go be with or around family. And that’s exactly what this gentleman’s plan was.

Not that it is truly any of our business. But SGC seems to think so!

And with each person that moves out, we know that in a few weeks that someone else will be moving in. The turn around rate is crazy!

Most of us get to the point where we start to see a stranger walking around on the property and don’t even give them the benefit of the doubt that they could be a new neighbor and instead, they hound them like private investigators. But that is for another blog post.

I am slowly and surely beginning to understand why more than 50% of the residents who move from SGC, do so at night. And why even a higher percentage of them don’t bother with farewells.

I would hate to see what they would do or not do if/when I leave SGC.

At least it killed the monotony of a typical Friday morning.

Life Moves With Or Without You

Tonight I am reminded by the film quote from “Shawshank Redemption” where Morgan Freeman’s character says “Get busy living or get busy dying.”

I know that the quote from Dr. Froth is far better, but I don’t remember where it was placed or what exactly he said word for word.

Nonetheless today on this quiet Good Friday evening, history was doomed to repeat itself to drive home the fact to me that life moves on whether I want it to or not.

People are getting married. People are getting divorced. People are even dying and leaving this life on Earth. And it has been feeling like I’ve been watching all of it happen through a window while munching on snacks, sitting back lazily as everything just keeps going!!!

Often I have been finding myself at a loss because the people that I watch grow up, and live on, are doing so without me. Or in the very least, with minimal influence or contact.

That’s not the best pill in the world to swallow. 

Guitarist for the band BEAUTIFUL DISTURBANCE, Auggie Del Ray, almost daily gives everyone a reminder about how we should take life by the neck and hang on until it comes down into submission and we can control our destinies again. He also has wonderful insight on other facets of life that causes me to want to pay attention as well. I’m begging and pleading for him to come out with his own personal blog.

But we’ve had control all along I think. Yet what have we been doing with that control? Are we taking our lives and doing what we want to do with it OR are we allowing others the control and watching our lives spin round and round and round without knowing where to get off the amusement ride of life??

My doomed attitude of life got a swift kick in the pants tonight. Especially after seeing certain people from life either becoming the tops of their perspective fields or watching them dust off and jump back on and rise to the top again.

I don’t have to live a life that I am not happy with. I can change my life to true happiness because life will go on with or without me and one day, I will spend my last day on this Earth. And what will I have to say about it or to show for it before the presence of others? 

If you are not happy with life, remember you are not a tree. You CAN move in any other direction that you want. And you can return to the path of happiness, wherever it may take you.

Be in charge in your life. Be in control of your destiny. If you do not like where it is going, then change course. And do not fear the change that comes with it. For you never know what rewards await you on the other side.

Understand though that life will not wait while you decide. If you wait for too long, it may be too late.

Don’t be tardy to the party, that is your life!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is This The End Of The Road?

“A bend in the road is not the end of the road… unless you fail to make the turn.”~ Unknown

Tonight has just been gruesome. Filled with tears and the wonderment of what’s going to happen in the future.

I’ve reached a point in my life where I am going to have to sit down without distraction and decide what is going to be the best decision for my life.

Trust me, I don’t wish this battle on any one.

My sledge hockey career has come to a stop. Based on the fact that I have gotten sick many times or have been broke with no money to go travel to Houston at certain times  since the beginning of the 2013-14 season.

To be honest, I have not been on the ice at any capacity since our trip to Houston in May of last year. It has almost been a full year!!

And there has been a lot of personal factors along with that. Outside of failing health.

El Jefe, my wonderful friend and neighbor, passed away suddenly April of last year. He was my solid source of transportation for many seasons. After he died, I was nearly caught in a mess where I would no longer have transportation to/from practices. A few times I was lucky and fortunate enough to be able to catch rides from other teammates or another neighbor with a vehicle. But it got out of hand quickly and got real old fast for those who were driving here to come pick me up. And I had to let that go, so that I wouldn’t ruin the personal relationships I had with them.

Family would seem to be the logical step. But not in an unstable environment. Especially since my brother-in-law died one week later after El Jefe. My sister would not be able all of the time to handle her two children and come and pick me up for practices. Even though she did try last season.

THIS season… practices have been on Sunday mornings at 8:00 AM. And as much as I tried and pleaded and begged to get them to change it to a later time in the day, the team took what was given to them. And that very much was a factor as not too many people were wanting to drive all the way to get me and then drop me off at practice that early in the morning on a Sunday.

Not a lot was in my favor this season. Including the last trip to Houston a few weeks ago where (as I understood) they were going to be watching certain players as they played because so many people wanted to go to Boston in April for the tournament. Someone… is going to be cut. Too many interested players and only a few select spots on the team, according to tournament rules. There’s not ENOUGH players to make a SECOND team to go either.

The fundraising efforts that I attempted to carry out on my own with the help of another and split it… failed. We weren’t even close. So financially, I wouldn’t be going to Boston even if I was in excellent physical condition.

But I am not. It was explained to me that even if I got back on the ice tomorrow, I would have to be in peak condition for tournament play in less than two months. And it doesn’t seem all that possible as I am still unable to get on the ice.

So with all of this being a disappointing season. I do not know if I will ever see the ice this season. And with the way things are set up with the team as they are right now, transportation to/from practices and events … it just isn’t there. Its not in the cards.

Therefore I have been in tears, battling with the thought of whether or not to end my sledge hockey career with the Austin Blades.

This is a heavy burden as I sift through everything and attempt to make these life decisions with a clear mind.

 

When Reality Strikes Again

“If you catch me saying ‘I am a serious actor,’ I beg you to slap me.”~ Johnny Depp  

I know that there is a ton of information that a person can find on the Internet if they looked up the phrase “See the forest through the trees” but there’s fewer people who honestly understands that phrase. And still even fewer people who are able to see their own forest through their own trees. 

I was fortunate recently to be able to take a step back outside of myself and look back at my life and all of who and what is in it. 

The results were stunning and shocking. I could not believe the kinds of people that are in my life. I couldn’t believe the kinds of people whom I was blindly calling “a friend”… much less the kinds of people that I was believing that I was close to, and I would tell them all of the time that I loved them. 

Amazing what you miss when you do not stop to actually take a look at your life.

When I turned around and saw what these people have been doing to me all along, and behind my back… I was crushed and my world had crumbled down all around me until I was surrounded by nothing but darkness and fire. 

And yes, I am about to do something about it. And yes, there are going to be people upset. But I would much rather have them upset and then take time to get over it and move on, rather than have ME suffer this needless pain and misery, just so others can be comfortable, happy, and feel like they are in charge. 

Time for Dambreaker to do and live for Dambreaker. And time for Dambreaker to do whatever makes Dambreaker happy. And if  I am happy, then those are the things I should do. And if YOU are one of the beloved people in my life that I have endlessly loved and adored, and you cannot handle that? I’ll show you the door. 

P.S.- Johnny Depp: Your quote for this blog post? I HAVE heard you say this about your career. I am coming for you!!! 

Full Spectrum: Part II- Mourning A Death

“Crying is cleansing. There’s a reason for tears, happiness or sadness.”~Dionne Warwick

Part Two as promised.

This morning when I woke up, a little more refreshed than usual. Feeling better and now that the fun was done, it was time to return… no matter how much I didn’t want to.

But I AM getting better with that feeling and wrestling with it.

I did shed a few tears because I was leaving Houston and leaving friends behind, but just for a brief moment.

I did not actually foresee that when I got off the bus, I would be greeted with the news of the death of a friend of mine. She died in the hospital the night before.

So today has been difficult. It feels like I have landed into a pile of shit that has me stuck all the way up to my knees after being up and above and beyond cloud nine.

This is the widow of El Jefe, who actually passed away a year and a half ago. The two of them had actually been married for over 40 years, nearly 50 before he died last April.

After that, she kind of gave up. She was so depressed. She got sick and was in the hospital this last week. But then when I had heard the stories about her having dreams about her husband telling her to “come home” I knew that the end was near, just not really sure when that would be.

It would be while I was in Houston celebrating with the family of Froth.

So I am heartbroken that my friend has gone. But I know full well that she’s no longer needing to give up. She’s no longer needing to deal with being sick or depressed.

She leaves behind five children and several grandchildren. And now I will go to be with her children as they were like elder siblings to me. Hell, even El Jefe when he was alive called me son.

So I’ve been from one end of life’s spectrum to the other. Its not the best experience to deal with, but I will find a way to cope and then remember the good times that were had. But I feel so bad for the children as they lost both parents in less than two years.

Change

“A lot of people get impatient with the pace of change.”~ James Levine

 

People often say that “change is scary”. But then there are others that tell you that “change is good”. So it can be difficult to know who is right and who is wrong.

 

But I think that we all have come across a point in our lives when we were in need of some kind of change, and we live to tell about it. But then why is it so scary??

 

I’ve come to my own realization that it isn’t the change that is causing the fear. But rather it is the fact of the unknown of what is going to happen once we make that certain change. We have no assurances of whether or not the change was a good or a bad idea.

 

We become overwhelmed with being so nervous about what could possibly happen next. Instead of focusing on the reasons why we felt we needed the change in the first place. We don’t remind ourselves as to why we need the change. But we fixate on the dark and scary future, to which we have no idea what will become of our change.

 

Over the past weekend, I was carpet bombed with a dose of reality that it damn near choked me. And it caused me to believe that I am in need of a change. And if that change does not happen, then I am surely going to be heading down the road of misery and sadness for years to come.

 

So then why is it so hard? Because I don’t know what is going to happen to me once I make that change.

 

Often times, we know what is the right thing to do. But we never do it because we fear the unknown future. And so our lives continue to suffer to a degree because we don’t make those changes.

 

We begin to think about the things that we could lose because of the change. We become fearful of to lose something that we have been so comfortable for so long in having and we wonder if we will lose it entirely? And if so, it takes us completely out of our comfort zone. And nobody honestly likes that. So instead of having faith that our change will take us to a better place in our lives in the long run, we cling to our old comfort zone and stay in that place of comfort, even if it means we continue to be miserable.

 

Change is not difficult. Being able to keep holding on to our faith that we will be okay, is the part that makes it hard.

 

And then there is change that happens to us without warning. How we as human beings cope and adapt to it will often be the way in which we can tell how we will deal with the change. Things happen sometimes, and we cannot control it. So in that case, change happens whether we like it or not.

 

But for those times in which we hit the crossroads, in which they are many, we have to be strong and brave enough to know that we are doing the right thing for our lives. A constant flow of positive thinking could help us along the way to remind ourselves that we are doing this for a reason. And usually that reason is for the betterment of our personal lives.

 

As for my situation, I eventually will hit that spot in the road where I will make that decision to change or not. And so I must have faith that “it will be okay”.

 

 

Change For Nobody But Yourself

“Many persons have the wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.”~ Helen Keller

Today I was met up by someone that I had not seen in a very long time. It was a nice moment from the beginning as I began to wonder what had happened to them since we had departed from one another. And then suddenly, those thoughts had changed. I began to remember why it was that I had departed from them in the first place.

I have been saying all day, “Some things never change”. And it could’ve been really depressing if I would have dwelled upon it longer. But I had the strength to shrug it off and move on.

I think that I’ve had a hard time as of lately because I see things in people that they cannot see themselves. But that’s not to say that other people cannot see things in me that I cannot. Particular situations and events arise and I stop to think to myself, “Why in the world would you allow yourself to go through with that?”. Quite honestly though, it really isn’t my call. It is not up to me to say what a person can and cannot do. I just have to worry about myself in the long run. And whatever is the outcome of the decisions of others, is not for me to worry about as it is only they, who must deal with their own actions.

I had then thought, “Maybe it is I who needs change”. And at that point, the entire struggle within myself came to an end.

Nobody should change for any one else but themselves. Sure, we can sacrifice our own happiness for the happiness of others as they say, and to do that is the greatest form of love above all.

But it is only one small and certain area in our lives that we are “changing”. We’re not really doing a lot of changing. It is more adapting than anything. To change ourselves would mean a whole new and different person. And the way that we lived our lives before is totally gone.

We should always do whatever makes us happy, and yet in the same sentence it should also be said that we don’t need to step on other people’s toes in order to do whatever it is that makes us happy. If we’re stepping on toes and running people over, its just greed. So I think that I should really throw caution to the wind in saying that being selfish is not the same thing as being happy. We might think that what we are doing will make us happy, but in the ultimate end we only made ourselves miserable.

We are in control of our own lives. We make the choices to allow every individual into our lives. And we have the control to omit them as well, if they are certainly not making us happy. Which is what I had done so long ago and hadn’t seen or spoken to them until today. And I was reminded of that by one of my best friends today. If certain people are making you unhappy, let them go.

There’s just no plausible way to make the entire world approve of us. To try and do so would be in vain. But we, can decide if someone is making us happy that we would like them to remain a part of our lives. And discard and walk away from those people who do not.