Closing Chapters

“If I were asked, it’d be a hard decision, but I’d lean toward no. The Playboy chapter in my life is now closed. I would definitely model, but I don’t think I would pose nude. I’m on to the next chapter of being a mom and a wife.” ~  Kendra Wilkinson

Less than a full week into the new year of 2014, already I can sense the changes in my life. Some good, some bad, some sad, some pretty amazing!!

As previously mentioned, I believe that I was the most fortunate of people to have been able to come out of my own shell and look around me. To be able to gaze to the left and to the right of me to see what I honestly did and did not have. I could see that I literally was in a forest. 

And because I saw what I did, it was the smallest of things that I had been missing that was causing the most pain and damage. When your life teaches you that you are about to come to the end of the chapter,  you still grieve because it is still a loss. Those people that you thought would be there for forever end up being in your life for a shorter time than you once thought and now they are gone.

But there has to be many chapters that come  to a close to allow life to open another one. And we never really know what will happen as we never know the future.

I think that though there’s got to be some good coming from opening a new door or a new chapter. I mean personally speaking… already ever since I realized that I will eventually have to take out the trash of my life, I found new relationships to savor and enjoy. One north, one south.  

My point being that it took the pain of cutting loose those who were poison to be able to allow myself to heal and then make room for the new. And to be honest, I’m happier with the new. Much happier than what I was with that has seemingly “been there for me” for these past recent years.

Also, yes it did hurt. And it is hurting really bad. But this pain is temporary and will eventually go away.

 

Full Spectrum: Part II- Mourning A Death

“Crying is cleansing. There’s a reason for tears, happiness or sadness.”~Dionne Warwick

Part Two as promised.

This morning when I woke up, a little more refreshed than usual. Feeling better and now that the fun was done, it was time to return… no matter how much I didn’t want to.

But I AM getting better with that feeling and wrestling with it.

I did shed a few tears because I was leaving Houston and leaving friends behind, but just for a brief moment.

I did not actually foresee that when I got off the bus, I would be greeted with the news of the death of a friend of mine. She died in the hospital the night before.

So today has been difficult. It feels like I have landed into a pile of shit that has me stuck all the way up to my knees after being up and above and beyond cloud nine.

This is the widow of El Jefe, who actually passed away a year and a half ago. The two of them had actually been married for over 40 years, nearly 50 before he died last April.

After that, she kind of gave up. She was so depressed. She got sick and was in the hospital this last week. But then when I had heard the stories about her having dreams about her husband telling her to “come home” I knew that the end was near, just not really sure when that would be.

It would be while I was in Houston celebrating with the family of Froth.

So I am heartbroken that my friend has gone. But I know full well that she’s no longer needing to give up. She’s no longer needing to deal with being sick or depressed.

She leaves behind five children and several grandchildren. And now I will go to be with her children as they were like elder siblings to me. Hell, even El Jefe when he was alive called me son.

So I’ve been from one end of life’s spectrum to the other. Its not the best experience to deal with, but I will find a way to cope and then remember the good times that were had. But I feel so bad for the children as they lost both parents in less than two years.