Posts Tagged ‘depression’


“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”~Robin Williams

At this point in time, I honestly do not have anything that would be considered to be epic or profound or even uplifting.

Upon hearing the news, I immediately went into denial mode. So many celebrities have been “reported” to have been dead when it was all just a hoax.

It being Robin Williams, and it NOT being a hoax? I am not going to lie to you, it tore my shit up from the floor up.

I haven’t been this lost, confused, shocked, and sad since the death announcement of Michael Jackson. And to be honest, knowing that Jackson’s death has already been several years ago is just mind blowing to me.

This was not a celebrity death that I ever thought I would see. Robin Williams in my own eyes was the ultimate king of comedy and had been for all of my life. From the re-runs of Mork & Mindy to the plethora of feature films that he made, spanning a career of various in-depth characters. And he was seemingly flawless every time he stepped in front of that camera.

Now I know that there are plenty of people flooding social media websites and other networks right now with articles announcing the death.

However, just as it was with the death of Whitney Houston, I CHOOSE to wait for a full investigation to be concluded on just exactly what had happened. I am aware of the statement given relating to Williams suffering depression. But yet I remain firm in the choice to wait and see. And it does bother me every time there is a “celebrity” death that people right away know what happened. Why can’t we all just stop, take a deep breath, and just wait for the professionals and experts to do their job??

Still on the other side of this coin, I suspect that what they are saying about this matter is probably going to be the truth. I say let’s wait and see.

Williams caught my attention in “Patch Adams” as well as other films such as “Dead Poets Society” and “Mrs. Doubtfire” of course. The poem that he reads in “Patch Adams” has since then had a remarkable bolt on my life both private and public.

I sincerely send my best wishes to his wife and children and the rest of his family. For those of you who were waiting on the next installment from my SIX MINUTE CENTURY adventure that came to an end this morning… I sincerely apologize.

But this death announcement has put me in no state to write about my most recent journey as you the reader, are deserving of. Please be patient.

God bless Robin Williams and his family at this time. I am totally shattered. We will always love Robin Williams and will miss him greatly.



“Do not brood over your past mistakes and failures as this will only fill your mind with grief, regret and depression. Do not repeat them in the future.”~ Sivananda

June 27th is PTSD Day. Its not a celebration, but a day of awareness of what truly is said that there are scars with the illness that are unseen.

It is not only combat fatigue that is PTSD but victims of serious crimes such as sexual assault can suffer from PTSD as well. Both men AND women equally can suffer PTSD.

I never really gave it much thought in the past. I wondered if my younger brother had it because of his experiences with being in the military and his time at war.

But then things changed for me in the past few years, particularly just days before my birthday in 2011. And I have not looked back or been the same ever since.

As I said, victims of serious crimes and that I have been in the past. To the point where things were deadly. Now, I wonder what happened to life when I am having a very bad day.

Most recently its been an issue when my eight year old nephew was standing behind me and I did not know that fact, when he moved closer and bumped my wheelchair, my knee-jerk reaction was to throw an elbow backwards at his face. But I didn’t follow through with it as I realized where I was and that I was safe. The unfortunate part was that my sister, his mother, saw it and bitched me out. cutcaster-photo-100018308-Depressed-redhead

But that is part of what can happen with PTSD or at least with people who have dealt with the similar experiences that I have gone through in the past few years.

It has not been the easiest for me, but its not been the absolute worst in the world either. I know that there are other good people who are dealing with far more deeper issues than what I have.

It hasn’t been easy for me to deal with and it hasn’t been easy for me to explain either. But it was the beginning reason as to why I started with this blog. But in the almost two and a half years since then, its changed a little bit. To the point that I nearly have 90,000 total view stats.


My life isn’t peachy. My life isn’t perfect either. But then again, my life isn’t a miserable piece of shit either. Just my attitude sometimes. Sometimes days are good, days are great, and sometimes days just plain suck. But I am doing what I need to be doing in order to make it through each and every day that isn’t up to par.

I am thankful for the mental faculties that I’ve had to know to do something about the bad experiences in my life and try to make things better. Whereas there are plenty of people out there who just simply believe that they are stuck with the hand that they have been dealt in their own lives, and do not believe that they can do anything about it.

And so of course I am not going to get into specifics of what’s what. I feel that if you are lucky enough to know me depressed-womanpersonally then you probably already know. And if you are one of those people that already know, then that is why you are subscribed to this blog. Others have come since then, and I am thankful that the dozens of men and women have made that choice to pay attention to what this blog has to say. Whether happy or sad. Goofy or outrageous. Pathetic or nasty. No matter what you have been here. Thank you.

We’ll get through this together. One blog post at a time.


“It feels like I am choking on my own air, or as if I am drowning.”

The month of November has been brutal for me. With the exception of the quick trip to Houston, it comes across to me that I am surrounded by a giant wall of flames that takes the air right out of my very lungs.

And then more comes along that seems to push me into the deep end to where there is no escape. I am at the point of breaking.

I find myself being the one that is having difficulty looking at the brighter and positive side of life as we know it. Even though I have in the past posted relentlessly about forgetting about your negatives and focusing on the positives.

I will say that my own demeanor has improved a little bit, and in keeping true to my previous posts, that I am fully aware that there’s nowhere else to go but up from here. And that time will soon come on its own.

This does help and make me smile in regards to the “early Christmas” season.

Perhaps its what they have been calling the “holiday blues” because in the United States, we have begun our “holiday season” which is full of Christmas cheer and joy. It always happens the day right after Thanksgiving Day.

And in my own opinion, I think that is nuts. Considering that there’s still a week left of the month of November left.

However that is just something that annoys me personally. Not to mention the debate and discussion over whether or not to wish someone a Merry Christmas or greet them with Happy Holidays.

And sadly, that’s not the bulk of my distress.

The snowball effect came when there was talks between my sledge hockey team and the team from Houston.

Houston is doing what they can right now to make sure that they are going to the next sledge hockey tournament in 2013 which is being held in Philadelphia. Houston calculated that it would cost about $2,000 per player to go. And they’ve narrowed it down to ten players from their organization to go.

I think that Houston has more opportunity for sponsorship and successful donations. And I say that its great for their organization. On the other hand, the Austin Blades do not have the same kind of support or donations or funds as Houston does. So our team must work so much harder.

Houston started talking with my team about the possibility, but when someone asked about cost and how it was going to be done, Houston said that any player would be paid for by their own organization.

It makes complete sense to me. But for the Austin Blades, there’s not enough funds in the organization to even send one player.

I knew that would be the case when both teams returned home from the last tournament in Dallas last April. I knew that my team wouldn’t ever have the funds to make such a journey. And that is why I created in part, the donation site on

All I have been able to have donated is $260 and it has seemed to come to a crashing stop. Basically, my donation site was “live” about the same time the shooting took place in Aurora, Colorado. So donations have been understandably going towards the victims of that tragedy. Then other tragedies happened. And with Hurricane Sandy still fresh on everyone’s minds on the East Coast, donations are going to them.

Add that with a tough economy, and that’s basically all I have been able to receive is $260.

Then I knew that with the Thanksgiving Day holiday coming that it was going to be a difficult four day weekend for me. As a bachelor with no transportation to speak of, being stuck indoors gets to be a drag. And because of the feeling that one gets, instead of it being really early Sunday morning, the 25th, it feels more like the beginning of Saturday part IV.

On Thanksgiving Day it felt like a Saturday. Even on Friday it felt like a Saturday. The usual whip and wear was nowhere to be found.

I did have a Thanksgiving meal that I could attend. It was held at the complex where I live. They have one for people like myself with nowhere to go for the holiday weekend. I was glad to be a part of it on Wednesday. However, that joy was short lived as the afternoon progressed, the activities here went right into Food Pantry Distribution.

How many times do I gotta complain about this??? “My time of the month” is what I call it.

I had about an hour in between both the meal and then the beginning of Food Pantry, but when I thought I had showed up just a few minutes before, staff had already started without me.

Then I was informed by the social worker that I could take off for that one time. That I didn’t have to help out with Food Pantry distribution, if I did not want to.  So I decided that if the social worker was going to do my job for me that one time, then I was going to just stay and hang out and socialize with others.

That’s when I started to catch a lot of hell and grief.

The social worker was doing the job that I volunteered to do over a year ago, but in her own way. She was not doing it the way that I do it. And that’s fine, it was working. But ohhhhhhhhhh noooooooooo…. neighbors got to be pissy about it all and insist that I take over the social worker and do what they considered is my job.

Many of them were just angry because there was not enough donations to go around to hand out turkeys as they have been used to in the past. Again, the economy and all. But they just need to get over it.

I totally understand that I cannot please ALL of the people here. But good grief!! Going up my butt because you still are not getting your way, is beyond ridiculous!

So then about 30 minutes later, I did jump in and relieved all staff members that were involved and things were back as they used to be.

After it was all said and done, the social worker made a comment about how she did not envy what I do in order to help with Food Pantry distribution. And that she believed that I was in need of a raise. But because I am not getting paid, I do not know how in the world “a raise” could be given.

The whole day just choked me and didn’t let go because I would have to face the fact that I would have a four day weekend practically by myself. And socializing with many friends and colleagues would not be possible because they were going to be busy with their own Thanksgiving Day celebrations with their own family and friends.

And even later in the evening, I caught hell from neighbors as they sprouted off about how I allowed staff to “control” me and take over what my duties are with Food Pantry. If I was getting paid, then it would be another story. But since I am not, then they need to learn to shut their mouths.

My helper got sick on Wednesday when I finally returned home from Food Pantry Distribution. She called Friday to say that she was in the hospital. I don’t know what her status will be for Monday. And that is a worry because I have inspections on Tuesday. If she is unable to come on Monday, then I have so much to do to cover for her and its not going to be easy at all.

So I am really hoping that some good cheer will come along real soon. With the last week of November, let’s hope that December brings something merry & bright.


Certain things that happen, shape us for who we are. We have our joyous moments and we have our depressive times. I believe that whatever comes our way, builds our character and helps to mold us into the person that we become.

We gain strength through our struggles, and share in celebration of our accomplishments.

This post however, deals with personal traumatic experiences. Most of us have gone through them. Many of us who have survived them are able to carry on. But some have difficulty with their previous experiences. In other words, some do well… some do not.

Yesterday evening, I went to the store to pick up some bread and other items. It was not far from my home so I was able to get out and go and come right back. When I was exiting the store, life has we know it was carrying on. Until a man showed up around the corner. He was approaching from the opposite direction. And then a moment later, he brought a pistol and fired it until it was empty. I had enough sense and probably the best of instincts to abort from my wheelchair and kiss the concrete before anything had happened and stayed there until the loud popping had stopped. (I was not injured or hurt. Neither was anyone else.)

The only casuality, was the bread. Instead of hamburger buns, it had turned into thinly sliced bread. Still, I can use it though!

Certain situations like these, are what I believe to cause people to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder. Other situations such as assault, rape, and war also are known to cause post-traumatic stress disorder.

What I am finding rather odd, is that my mind is not filled with re-living last night’s events. But my mind is focused more on the assault from last January where it had become a situation of life and death and doing what I had to do in order to protect myself.

There are no feelings of being afraid or scared. Only feelings of just being really pissed off. Frustration, anger, and the continuous attempts of trying to make sense of everything that happened so long ago.

For many people who deal with this kind of thing, it is possible that a little extra help might do them some good. A friend, a caring person, a smile, and a listening ear.

Some survivors actually would benefit from going a step further and seeking therapy to allow themselves to think and feel without judgement and release their fears and feelings about what had happened to them. Thus I believe that it does help with the healing process from their mental anguish.

Therapy is not the devil. Going to therapy also does not automatically imply that you are crazy, or you are the weakest person on the planet. In fact, therapy is a sign of courage and strength, and it shows you have the desire to make things better in your life instead of just allowing the problems to eat you up inside.

I would actually applaud those who actively seek therapy as a tool for mental health. The strength and empowerment one can receive by going to therapy can be limitless. When I hear someone tell me that they are considering or have started to go to therapy, my response is always the same, “GOOD FOR YOU!”.

Personally, I am no stranger to it. How else would I know so much about cognitive distortions??

To say or believe that you are weak, because you need a little extra help, is a lie!! Don’t be influenced by society and peers to control you in what you should do with your life. Find the help and allow yourself the opportunity to live your life by your own choices and not the choices of others because they are ignorant. Even the world’s strongest man has days of weakness.

Find out for yourself whether or not it is right for you. And if you do decide to seek help– GOOD FOR YOU!! Just stick with it. Results are not going to happen overnight. Allow yourself the time your body and mind will need to adjust and heal.

And for those reading who have a personal relationship with me: I am doing okay. I’m angry of course. But also know that I slept very well last night and I’m not sitting on the couch, staring at the ceiling re-living it over and over again. Physically, I’m uninjured. The guy’s aim pretty much SUCKED. Nobody else was hurt. And its rumored he had his ass kicked while in a holding cell after he was hauled to jail. Whether or not that is true does not matter to me. I am alive!!