Posts Tagged ‘disability’

floridian-bar-10x6“I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.”~ Edgar Allan Poe

Due to recent events, it is time to set the record straight.

I have been getting asked very frequently in recent days about whether or not I drink. Most specifically if I drink alcoholic beverages.

Most of my social life revolves around live music, which everyone knows. And of course live music venues are usually clubs and bars where the sale of alcohol is their prime business. A large percentage of people that know me, well that’s where they see me. In venues.

Happy to say that they are kind enough to want to buy me a drink. However, 99.98% of the time I either politely decline their offer outright or I tell them that I don’t drink and come up with a counter offer to something like a Coke or a soft drink of some sort.

Ever since I started enjoying live music, this is how I have operated. People are accepting of it and respectful.

The other night however I was spotted by a great number of people enjoying a beer. Suddenly, people were very, VERY confused at what they saw. One person said that they thought that they were dreaming.

And another night, someone said that they saw me having shots with some band members.

So now, this is my public service announcement to those who are stumped, confused, and essentially losing their mind over the subject.

I will start out by actually answering the question: DO I DRINK?

Answer: Yes.

As just about everyone else on the planet, after I surpassed the legal age of drinking, I did have my times of going to the night club, watching people, enjoying music, and drinking. And I learned what my limit was to where I knew that I needed to stop so that by the time I went home, I was sober enough to safely do so.

But after a while the money that I was spending on buying drinks was growing and growing that by the end of the month I didn’t have enough money to feed myself.

I finally stopped going to the night club because it got very boring to me, and I didn’t like how much money I was spending on drinks. I even stopped going to the store to buy alcohol.

This went on for a while and if I was drinking anything at all, it was at someone’s home. Usually during a dinner or some small gathering of friends.

And now with the atmosphere of live music, and the passage of time, the idea of drinking is less appealing. But that is mainly due to the COST of buying alcohol.

The other factor is whether or not the restrooms in the venue are actually accessible. If I am not able into a restroom at a venue or have a lot of difficulty doing so, then I will simply choose not to drink. And a lot of the times when I politely refuse it is because of the accessibility situation. And that is commonly what the situation is. If I cannot properly relieve myself when I am away from home…. I won’t drink.

My travels in recent years to Houston, I may have ONE beer if anything. But that is only because the venues that I have attended are not accessible at all. Some in Austin are a lot easier but not quite what I would need to make sure that I can get the business done.

Having Spina Bifida makes consuming alcohol more of a pain in the ass!! It goes through the bladder a lot faster than the average person. To put this very bluntly, if I am at some venue and I have a drink or whatever and I have to urinate, because of the decrease in bodily function and control, all it takes those few seconds that I am transferring from the wheelchair to the toilet before it just comes pouring out of me getting all over me and my clothes. And essentially making me unfit for social interaction for the rest of the night.

There have been times when I have been on antibiotics or other medication that warn against drinking while taking it. Thankfully, that is not the case all of the time.

So I am NOT necessarily against drinking. It has nothing to do with personal beliefs or anything like that. I’m not necessarily restricted from drinking. It just depends on where I am and what I am able to do when nature strikes. It obviously would be a lot easier to deal with at home as I can just clean up and if need be change clothes. It is not that easy to do when I am not at home. Even if I take extra with me.

And I am definitely NOT trying to offend anyone or hurt their feelings when they want to buy me a drink and I say no or counter offer them with something else. It is just my way of self-preservation.

I AM against the idea of being drunk and trying to ride the bus home. Bus drivers are instructed to deny passengers too inebriated from riding. I have witnessed others being told to get off the bus. I don’t wish to be stranded somewhere when I am not close to home. Or at all!!

So for those reading who have tried to buy me drinks, keep in mind the following:

If I can’t easily get into the rest rooms where I am at. I won’t drink.

If I am on medication, I won’t drink.

I will not go beyond my personal limit of consuming alcohol.

I have no problem with your courtesy, in fact it is appreciated. In fact, I would LOVE To have a drink with you!! And I will always thank you later for it. But there are just parameters that I follow when the question of drinking comes up.

I hope this answers the questions that you have had and/or clears up any confusion. Feel free to start a conversation in the comments below if there’s anything that I missed.

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“Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.”~ Gilbert K. Chesterton
 

Yep, you are reading this right. IT STILL WORKS.
This is a t-shirt that I had custom made recently this year. And it serves well for many purposes. But its legacy has taken off.
First, an explanation as to why it exists.
As an adult with a disability, I can safely say that I have had a lot of people come up to me and ask a lot of questions. Some innocently out of their own ignorance. But A LOT of personal questions that are downright stupid.
With children, the most popular question I get is: What happened to your legs?

Innocent enough. I answer the best that I can. Or I just tell them “That’s how I was born.”

With adults, the most popular question I get (outside of “What happened?”) would be something like:

Can you still do it? Does your dick work? Can you have sex? Can you feel “down there?”

Anything like that.

Trust me, it is really annoying. Especially since it is none of their business. Considering that a vast majority of the people asking, I will never see again in my lifetime.

So I decided to answer the question once and for all.

Honestly, I have not had a single person come up to me asking that kind of question ever since I wore the shirt out in public the first couple of times. Of course there have been some people who have seen it and read it, thinking with dirty minds. It was something that I anticipated to happen. And I just deal with the laughter and snickering that people think that I cannot hear behind my back.

Now let me tell what has happened since I started wearing the shirt in public.

As expected, I have a lot of people tell me that they like the shirt, as they sit there and laugh real hard until they can no longer breathe.

A few times I have had people come up to me, asking to take a photograph of it. In which I do not have a problem with.

I went out last night to watch the band AUTUMN STAY play a show at the Dirty Dog Bar wearing the shirt. And the legacy took off with a whole new chapter.

Before the show even got started, two people who said that they loved the shirt buy me drinks. One of which happened to be the touring band that was in town. The other an employee of a different bar next door.

It didn’t stop the entire night. Drink after drink after drink after drink. Included with so many people asking to take photos. And of course…. I never really know where those photos end up. 19221669_10154696784091453_5194340704344925977_o

As the night continued, more and more drinks and more and more photos. I didn’t have to spend ANY money on refreshments last night. And it was very very HOT, now that it is June in Texas. I think the temperature reached 100°F for the first time in 2017. Hydration was very important last night.

I had several people passing by continually expressing to me that they liked the shirt up and down Sixth Street. And a few women came up to me asking what it meant. As if that was not obvious enough. And other women were either brave enough or drunk enough to end up kissing me!!!

To this day, I have not had anyone challenge me to find out whether or not I am lying. I mean of course it works. If I cannot go through the process of urination, I am in trouble!!!! But yes I know what this hints at. And its supposed to. It has more than one function, perverts.

Before there was a time when someone would ask me if it works, I would answer “There’s only one way to find out!” but nobody ever followed through on that. And that is probably a blessing in disguise.

The only problem that I can see wearing the shirt is that some story randomly finds my family. But they already know about it. I told my parents, and all I got back in response was a chuckle. Especially from my father. So really, I am good.

Stay tuned for more adventures of It Still Works as it travels into the world.

SBBA_logo_320Reflex

“I am one. Love me fully or leave me completely.” — DAMBREAKER

October is Spina Bifida Awareness Month. Although some of you may not know that because of all of the time and effort that is spent on focusing on the fact that it is also breast cancer awareness month.

I don’t know who made the decision to have SB awareness alongside breast cancer awareness but it is what it is.

I also know that there are a lot of you who are reading this, who could be considered as “new” around here and haven’t really had the time or opportunity to read about those special posts that I have spread throughout this blog about MY disability in general. And I realize that I have only given a hint or two as to what it is like having to go on with life with a disability.

And as the world seemingly united under one cause for ALS during the time of the “Ice Bucket Challenge”… I too began to think really hard about what I would want to do when October came for Spina Bifida.

But my luck ran out as I did not think of anything that would have been just as unique or fitting for a cause that would have raised enough awareness for Spina Bifida as the Ice Bucket Challenge did for ALS.

My brain was really pushed towards the limitations of coming up with a different challenge for Spina Bifida. But in the end, I could not come up with anything. I mean, I did and I still do have a few ideas but would people honestly want to participate in such a manner with that kind of challenge enough to either spread awareness or perhaps donate towards the cause?

I felt that it was doubtful.

Then when the first of October came around, I saw that the Spina Bifida Association of America had come up with a few new hashtags of their own. One of them being: #notanothercharitychallenge .

That told me that the SBAA was not looking for a challenge as equal as the Ice Bucket Challenge for ALS. What was I to do?

Well, the answer was “Write.”

Again let me say that I realize that a lot of you who are reading this are new to this blog and don’t know what others know. So allow me to help you be AWARE of who I am. And who I am NOT!!! KX_SBAwarenessMonth

  • I am one out of 166,000 people living in the United States of America with the most severe form of Spina Bifida which is a BIRTH DEFECT of the spine.
  • I am a paraplegic. I have no sensation from both knees to my feet. I can feel absolutely nothing.
  • I am confined to a wheelchair in matters which deal with mobility.
  • I am a member of the human race with the same exact feelings and emotions as the next person in line or beside me.
  • I am NOT just some one or some thing. In fact I am some body.
  • I am NOT a side show freak, a mutant, nor am I totally helpless and defenseless.
  • I am NOT put on this Earth for you to stare at and make assumptions. My friends may consider me to be entertaining but I am not solely for your amusement. And your assumptions are going to be wrong 99.9/100 times about me. Do NOT count me out … until I am out.
  • I am NOT to be tossed aside like yesterday’s trash just because my legs do not work exactly like yours.

I could go on the rest of the day.

Even within the last fifty years, there has been some tremendous improvements in the field of study over Spina Bifida. Life with Spina Bifida seems to be increasing both in duration and in quality because of these improvements. And who knows… there just might be a cure ahead. And if there is, it will be too late for me. But it will not be too late for future generations.

But we cannot do anything about it without first having the awareness. And as much as a struggle that it is when going against breast cancer awareness, people with Spina Bifida, families with children with Spina Bifida, and friends of people with Spina Bifida march on in hopes of opening the eyes of the rest of the world to this issue.

Are you willing to have your eyes opened? Are you willing to have that awareness? If the answers are YES .. you know where to find me. 

If you have ANY questions about my life, make sure to look at both pages of “About” and “What Is Spina Bifida?” … consult there first. There is a list of “famous people” who were born with Spina Bifida. You may be surprised who is on that list. 

Since it is awareness month and you do have a question about my life or about Spina Bifida in general… then during the month of October I will answer any and all questions you may have. Please write them in the comment section below. Thank you.

pointfinger

“Okay, most people at school make fun of meand they… and they… and they never… and they never talk to me, Ernie. They never, ever talk to me.”~ Giovanni Ribisi in ‘The Other Sister’ [1999]

I suppose that in my life of personal trials and tribulations that society will always amaze as well as shock and offend me.

I don’t want to sit here and pretend that there’s some hidden magic pill that nobody has found yet that the entire population of Earth can consume and make things so much easier and nicer. Mainly because that magic pill just doesn’t exist.

But then again there are some things in life that people in general should never EVER have to put up with.

Its been a long time since I’ve posted something about discrimination and believe me when I tell you that I did not think about wanting to or having to ever again. But here we are, and here we go!!

As members of the human race, there are certain ways that I would think would be quite obvious in how to act and how not to act. I’m just simply dumbfounded whenever I am faced with a case of someone missing that memo entirely.

Over the weekend I watched in horror and with much anger and rage of a young woman in a wheelchair that was too large for her in comparison attempting to catch up with a group of people. Her peers. And the thing of it was that she was going up a hill very slowly. STAIRS-WHEELCHAIR-570

None of the members of this peer group bothered to turn around to help her up that hill either. And so I watched until I could take no more.

When I had reached the helpless young woman, I could see that tears had been pouring down her face and her fingers were now damp and moist and having trouble grasping on to the bigger wheels to help her push forward.

I slammed her brakes on for her so that she wouldn’t go sailing backwards and asked if she wanted help even though the look upon her face was screaming for it.

I would soon be horrified and enraged to realize that the tears coming from her frustrated and tired eyes were not because she was having trouble getting up the incline, but rather the words that were being shouted at her from the group of peers ahead of her at the top of the hill. None of which were looking back at her.

The filthy comments followed by a collective laughter came after each and every insult towards her and her disability and her INABILITY to get up what they were calling “a simple and lousy hill.”

The more I heard these people talk, the worst their insults became.

I finally decided to let the girl latch on to the back of MY wheelchair and I pulled her up the hill at our own pace. Not fast, not slow, but our own pace. There was no emergency so there was no need to rush things. Before we both knew it we were at the top of the hill.

Gazing out at the peer group as they began their descent of the other side of the incline, I specifically instructed the girl to go to the right at a certain point and then swing left to come back because the incline was just too steep and if she would have gone down the other side of it straight on, she probably would have gone so fast that she would have ended up in traffic. Her tiny body was no match for the bulky wheelchair and her hands probably would not have been able to handle “breaking” while going downhill.

It didn’t make sense to her at first so I had decided that I was going to SHOW her what I was talking about and told her that she should copy what I was doing.

So I did. I went sailing down the incline swerving right then left and then came to the bottom of the hill and found myself AHEAD of this woman’s peer group.

It was then that another disgusting factor was made known that these people who were hurling insults at her, saying that she was worthless to climb over a hill and needed to be put down and shot, or the fact that her mother should’ve swallowed… these were not kids, but adults.

I’m guessing early 30’s??

Some of them saw me and ignored me. And that was fine. But when she showed up just as fast as I did they started picking on her some more. Crying-Woman-Sitting-In-Wheelchair

I asked the girl who was apparently enjoying her self-induced adrenaline rush how she knew these people. They were “friends at school” but it didn’t sound like very good friends in my opinion.

She said something that triggered a quote that came to my mind that I put at the top of the post. She talked in a soft whisper about how she was only trying to fit in with these people. I told her that she didn’t need them. At least not THIS GROUP of morons.

Sadly this was the only group of people that she knew.

What made things worse was that she barely knew them and had enticed them ALL with the fact that she she was loaded with money- or I should say her family is.

Buying friendship.

I most likely would have cried but the relentless pickings at her expense were continuing to flow.

Everything was beginning to reach a point with me that was showing signs of overflowing.

I threw a rock ahead of the gang to get their attention because they simply had no interest in turning around. In fact I could hear them complaining about how they wished they had a vehicle so that they could get away from her. After all, they used her up for her money to get what they wanted and they were finished with her and just wanted to go on their ways.

I SNAPPED. 

This was all too familiar for me as I reflected on my own life. Rage was taking over…. wishing I had smacked one or two of them with the rock I had thrown, but it was only tossed to gain their attention.

I shouted at them to return back to where she was using a forceful tone. Most started to move towards us.

I put them all into a state of eternal shame and butthurt as I gave the following lecture and then I walked away hearing nothing but crippling silence behind me:

“Just what is wrong with you? Do you not realize what you are saying is actually damaging? Yeah, I know you all think that you sound like some bad ass tough guy, coming up with what you are coming up with to say in front of your own kind… but to do it at HER expense? Tell me, how many of you actually know her? I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY know her?? How many have spend many-a-hour over the telephone just chatting the days and nights away with her, or did you all just agree to hanging out with her because she flashed some quick cash in your greedy, selfish, self-centered, non-caring faces? 

YOU are the groups of people that need to be swallowed! YOU are the people that need to be ‘put out of your misery’ with force. YOU are the people that completely and totally worthless. 

But no, you don’t give a flying shit what others think or feel. You just care about take-take-take. All of you are more disgusting than Jabba the Hutt with your idea that its okay to take advantage of someone just because they are living a life that makes them financially well off. I guarantee you that NONE of you have ever thought once about this girl and her feelings or her needs or her wishes or her desires. 

How fucking ridiculous you are to not even offer help to her. Its hot and humid outside today. She’s not able to handle the wheelchair that she is using because her original wheelchair won’t fit anywhere. Just suck up the money she has in her purse, feed yourselves until you are fat and satisfied. Gluttony, really!! And I would dare to guess not even a ‘thank you’ was given to her for her kindness and hospitality. 

This shall soon come back to all of you one of these days. Maybe not today or tomorrow but soon. Trust me. A woman once told her child that I had AIDS because she was wanting to scare her child to get away from me. Five years later she was hit by a train and now she’s in a wheelchair in worse shape than I am. 

You all though…. you are absolutely no better than her. She may be small. She may be tiny. She may be slow. But you have shown your asses. ALL of you …. are worse than she is, even without a physical disability.” 

 

babe-wheelchair-honey

“For me, the wheelchair symbolizes disability in a way a cane does not.”~ Annette Funicello

I am, I really am. I don’t know whether to go on a rampage or cry my eyes out.

Or both??

I know that most men and their behavior stinks when they are amongst their own ranks. But for them to go public on a forum is … well, I don’t know.

Crazy? Stupid? Ballsy? Rude? Typical??

I don’t know. I just know that as a person in a wheelchair AND a male…. this pissed me off twice.

I could not believe it.

I didn’t even bother going through the entire list of pages of the forum’s posts. The more that I read, the angrier I became.

So yeah….

There’s nothing wrong with sexual attraction. None whatsoever.

And there’s a certain point of victory when someone in a wheelchair is the recipient.

But the comments left behind were so damned disgusting.

Have a peek:

http://www.rooshvforum.com/thread-9797.html

 

youre-a-douchebag

“If it was legal to shoot all of the stupid people in the world, we would run out of bullets.”~ Dambreaker

This morning, I strolled on over to the corner store. I went up the hill and some random guy shouted at me asking if I wanted any help getting to the top of the hill.

Before I could politely decline, this very muscle-bound man came up behind me and shoved me over the top of the hill and then he kept going even when I was on level ground again.

It was like being blasted like a rocket into outer space.

Sometimes I allow people to help, sometimes I do not.

So then he wanted to know what the reasons were that I was in a wheelchair. And I told him.

His response was the worst thing that I have ever heard in my entire life!!!!

He told me that he couldn’t understand how I could live my life this way, being stuck in a wheelchair all day and night for the rest of my life.

Honestly, when I explain my disability, I do not normally expect people to have that light turn on and they fully understand what all I have to go through every day of my life. What he said next, ruined my entire day.

He honestly looked me in the face and said that he could never life the rest of his life in a wheelchair, and that he would just kill himself before he was confined to a wheelchair like that.

I was filled with shock, rage, and disbelief.

I asked him if he felt that was his solution. If people that live in wheelchairs should just kill themselves.

And then the rage and disbelief continued to grow.

He said with a straight face that he just couldn’t understand why more people don’t do it.

I told him a story about a man who was born in Austria who would eventually become the leader of a country called Germany in the 1930’s. That man also had the same solution. He called it the Final Solution.

Yes, I compared him to Adolf Hitler. Although Hitler’s rage was more focused on the Jewish and other classes of society. But he did exterminate and kill anyone who were in wheelchairs and were physically disabled as well.

Before he had time to react, I told him that he simply needed to go away and leave me alone.

I did have my 23” broken hockey stick with me. And yes, I could have chosen to smack him with it. But because of his muscle bound body, I felt that I would have lost that battle.

Now I have really heard some stupid things from people who do not understand the life that I have to live. And I’ve probably heard every little joke, insult, or remark in the book. And I’ve learned to just roll my eyes. But this one? It hurt. And it hurt a lot.

I came home. Began to cry, and ended up falling asleep for about an hour. I woke up, still angry at the guy. And I really do not wish to ever see him again.

It is like this guy’s brain wasn’t attached to his spinal cord. There’s a reason why there is a brain inside of his skull and its not to fill up the space inside. And why he chose not to use it before he opened his mouth is beyond me. disabled-veteran

Why should I kill myself? Why should anyone with a disability kill themselves?

And what of our nation’s veterans. Ironically those people who have fought and sacrificed their limbs so this guy can keep his freedoms to say stupid things like that?

Should they kill themselves as well because they are now in wheelchairs for defending our country?

The bottom line answer is not just no but HELL NO!

I’ve talked about thinking before you speak, and this is an excellent example of that NOT happening at all!

I have tough skin, but this time it broke through. And I really shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of immaturity and stupidity.

There’s nothing wrong with me that I should have to die. Just because I do not walk and often appear that I may be having trouble getting up hills. Good grief!!!

So this guy is a complete and total douchebag. And who knows what his deal is? Having to say something like probably just to make himself feel better?? Nobody will ever know.

But I am NOT going to throw in the towel like that. You can just screw off if you think like that. We have enough difficulty as it is, we don’t need your psychological stupidity on top of it.

 

Before anyone begins to cry foul over this post, let me just say that I am going to try to handle this specific subject matter with as much ease as possible, so that my own discernment is not misunderstood.

If I were to add a quote along with this post as I have in many posts before, I think that we all know which would be the preferred selection. This is about assumptions. And since we all already know one by heart, there really is no need for it to be posted here.

With being the totally social person that I am, in that I love to meet new people and make friends, there are those times when an introduction is made and right away I can tell that it probably isn’t going to work out in the end. And so instead of suffering through from beginning until I’ve reached the inevitable end, I simply make the choice not to go after it and allow it to dissolve on its own. Still, I have been told that people have enjoyed my company for one reason or another. I believe that it is always nice to hear something like that. Of course, who really wants to hear something like “You are totally boring! Go away!!”. Well… those who are self-sadistic maybe, but not I.

I have found myself in the past week at three different times, being pulled into a game of “match making” shall we say? Nothing thrilling to write home about by any means, but I guess something to break the monotony of this week’s slow activity. I was introduced to some people by some others that I know.

All of that was fine, until I found out that the reason why these people decided to make the introductions in the first place- was because I have a physical disability and the people in which I was being introduced to some people who ALSO had some kind of disability.

Now I am not talking down against the actual act of the introduction to these people. I am sure that they are wonderful in their own ways as every one of us really and truly are. But what I am vehemently against was the assumption that this person knew two people with disabilities, I and the other person, and believed that some sort of connection would be made based on that fact alone.

As I stated, this happened three times with three separate people over three separate events. The fourth? Well, I actually did find some merit within that person and some interest, so I stuck with it and traded my contact information with them. But the other three was solely based on the other person’s assumptions that “we’d get along great!”, because we have something in common.

Well no, not really. Two of them had different disabilities than mine. Far different lives they live than I do. I can only imagine what they have to go through on a daily basis and by comparison would probably bet money that my life is a bit easier than theirs. But because of the only commonality between these people and myself were that there was a disability… doesn’t always mean that we will automatically end up giving each other the label of BFF.

Yet I was really nice and polite with everyone involved in these awkward instances. It was no surprise to myself and to the other disabled people that we did not make that perfect fit for a friendship. The ones that made the original introductions, stood there scratching their heads in great confusion.

One of them literally came up to me and whispered, “I don’t know what’s going on! I thought you two would hit it off… because you two are so alike, with the wheelchair and all.”

WHAT?!??

#1- Clearly, you are mistakened. #2- You do not know me as well as you thought you did. #3- You did not think this all the way through.

The commonality in this specific example was the fact that the other person uses a wheelchair for mobility. They were not born with Spina Bifida, nor do they have any kind of physical disability in which they deal with on a day to day basis that is medically based. They have the need for the use of a wheelchair because in their past, they were struck by a train and are now confined for the rest of their life to a wheelchair. That was the only thing that was in common.

I really wished that society would think twice before making decisions like these. It really would get rid of any kind of humiliation to be suffered by any one, including those who have made the decisions to assume. Then, it would have been a lot easier on everyone with no pressure.

Now had I gone up to my colleague and they said, “Oh hey, this is ______ , they were struck by a train a few years ago and now use a wheelchair.”, then that probably would have gone over a lot easier than assuming that they would make a perfect match. (Even though it probably would have offended the person from the train accident for having someone else volunteer their personal lives. Probably to the point where it would have still gone over better if they had left it to me to ask them why they were disabled.)

Who knows what could’ve happened then? I might have been able to make a new connection and friendship. But because it was based on an assumption and the entire situation was made uncomfortable for every one there, it failed.

Just because I like women with green hair and three boobs, doesn’t mean you should come up to me and assume that I am going to like your friend who also has green hair and three boobs. Or even white hair and three boobs. You probably just should allow those kinds of decisions to be left up to be made by me.

So I hope that I have not come across like some jerk in this post. Life is frustrating enough for me personally without someone trying to make me into a character from a novel by Anne Rice. Having people lump me together with another group of people based on an outward appearance that shows commonality. It is ridiculous. And I don’t have to say just how stupid it is to assume.

My humiliation from these experiences wore off when I departed from them.  The same probably goes for the other people in which I was introduced. But those who dared to assume that they had someone that would be “perfect” for me will probably bear their shame for some time to come.