Your Laugh Of The Day

“I’ve put up with more humiliation than I care to remember.”~ B.B. King

I am going to tell you this story before I start digging a hole in the ground to hide in for the next week or so.

Life is filled with joy and it is filled with lots of humiliation.

This is a story of the latter.

This morning, I was hunting for some change. And finally I pinned down the apartment manager only to find out that he had no change. In total frustration, I started to spew. And the apartment manager started to spew back.

And then I heard and saw someone walk out the front door away from the office doors. I was curious because I thought I saw someone leaving that I had not seen in probably well over a year, possibly two by now.

I asked the apartment manager if I just saw who I thought I saw and his answer was “Probably.”

I tore out of his office like a lightning bolt, hoping that the person I was chasing was in no hurry to get into their vehicle and leave.

When I got outside, I saw her by the gates and I waited for a second before whistling at her.

And yeah I know, someone’s going to have a problem with that. But this is someone I’ve known for years and years and years and I know that once she saw that it was me that was whistling, she’d just giggle it off.

But whistled LOUD and PROUD. I was definitely making a bold statement to get her attention.

Then I waited for her to turn around and look in my direction.

IT WAS THE WRONG WOMAN!!!!!! 

Ohhh, what have I done? What have I done? The wave of shock and humiliation warmed over me like a cloud of death.

The strange woman looked in my direction and then proceeded on her way. She did nothing, she said nothing. And that was the end of it as I scrambled to turn around and go back inside of the office building.

She could have yelled and screamed and chewed me out. And I would have deserved every last bit of it, but she went away.

And now I sit here and think of all the different times I saw someone with long hair flowing down their back, only to find out that it was man. And that has happened more times than I want to admit.

Similar situation here.

I know that I am not the only one that has gone through this, but it is still humiliating nonetheless.

My Monday is starting out to be embarrassing. How’s your Monday????

Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful

Not since the great humiliation of my teenaged years did I ever think that history was going to repeat itself. At least not in the sense that I would receive a second helping of self-humiliation in my life.

But since I know that you will get a good laugh out of this by reading about it, I decided to share my story of woe and misery.

I was enjoying the day away from home for once in my life, when I was approached by someone asking me if I wanted to go visit and see some particular model who was in town for the day. She was taking pictures and signing autographs, etc.

I did not know who this particular model was personally. I had never even heard of her. But when I was shown just a few photos of this woman, that’s all that it took for me to say “Count me in!”.

Off I went (in a vehicle full of strangers) to this strip mall where indeed, this beautiful model was posing for pictures, signing autographs and everything else that was promised.

I couldn’t believe my luck. Basically I was in the same area as this woman. And yet I was unprepared. No camera, no pen or paper for autographs, nothing. I started to back off and shy away. I admired from a distance. A very LONG distance. Until one of them asked me why I hadn’t gone up to this model to talk to her. After all, I may not have had a camera or had the tools to get an autograph but I was reminded that I could at least go and talk to her.

You know, sometimes people just have a point. And their point is so solid that you cannot argue with them because you know they are right. I suppose that they found it ridiculous that I was just sitting there with my eyes popping out of my head- and I was doing nothing about it.

I am that shy though, honestly. I guess I just don’t know what to do in these kinds of situations. But allow me to continue on, so that you can get your laugh.

After being defeated like that, and seeing that it really “couldn’t hurt” to go and talk to this woman, I approached cautiously. As I was getting closer, she spotted me and I FROZE. A little smile and a wink and then she was diverted by another person wanting pictures.

Well, well, well….. aren’t I Mr. Special all of a sudden.

So I got in line to talk to her. The people that came with me actually forced me in front of them. For reasons I didn’t know at the time. But the line wasn’t that long at all. Maybe four or five people ahead of me. Still this woman, this glorious model, actually had a sense of humanity about her as she allowed each person all the time in the world that they wanted individually. So it took a while for the line to move.

Then it was my turn next. I looked behind me to make sure those guys were still there, and they were. They kept smiling at me, asking me what I was going to talk with her about. Others wanted to know if I wanted my picture taken with her because they would use their camera. I honestly didn’t know.

I wasn’t paying close attention when I got shoved really hard in my back and heard someone clearing their voice. It was my turn and I was holding up the line by not moving.

So the first thing out of her mouth was, “Hello. Picture?”… well ummmm okay, sure!

I gazed upon the guys behind me and they grabbed their cameras trying to get both her and I in their view finder.

My luck would increase.

This woman was all over me. She sat on my lap for one picture. Then she shoved her boobs in my face for another. Then she wrapped her arms tightly around my neck. Then she got cheek to cheek with me. I could feel and smell her breath. (Later I would find on someone’s camera that she posed as if she was licking my face.)

For about sixty seconds, I was finding myself in the middle of a photo shoot with this model because I remember A LOT of camera flashes going off at the same time continuously.

When the cameras were done, I blinked to get the spots out of my eyes so I could look at her and talk to her. I still felt like a big shot though.

Eventually I gazed over at her, and the humiliation doth begun.

She began to speak, but I couldn’t really understand her. I asked her to repeat herself, and she did. But I still couldn’t understand her. She wasn’t speaking in English.

I tried speaking to her in Spanish. She just looked blank at me.

I tried speaking to her in French. She just looked blank at me.

I even tried speaking to her in German. She finally just stuck her tongue out at me.

Whatever language she was speaking, I did not have the ability to converse with her in. And why didn’t I catch on to any of that when she had said to me only “Hello. Picture?”.. what gives there??

So there I was, unable to communicate because of an apparent language barrier. She signaled to someone and whispered. And then that person made the announcement that the model had to “powder her nose” and would be right back. It was suggested that nobody moved out of their place in line because she was not going to leave without seeing everyone who came to see her.

The guys that brought me there were just laughing and laughing because they could tell that I was really thinking this girl was something else.

Then the model was walking back and I saw an action that horrified me. She grabbed her crotch. Yep, apparently this model had a bit more “plumbing” in her nether regions than would be necessary for her to be deemed female.

My eyes quit bugging out of my head, and I couldn’t find a place quick enough or deep enough with sand to bury my own head in. Some European model was in town, but nobody had told me that this was a man in the process of being a woman. Working their way through the modeling industry to pay for all of the operations.

I left. I waited by the vehicle. I accused them all for their deception but they all were saying that they were as shocked as I was to find this model walking down the sidewalk, grabbing herself like she’s about to throw out the first pitch at a Giants game.

Those boobs that were in my face, weren’t boobs at all… but LIES!! I was just thankful that I did not come home with lipstick prints all over my face or smelling like some kind of cheap women’s perfume. The only thing that I was able to save myself from further humiliation was that these guys wanted to add me to their Facebook, and I said “no”. Even if this wouldn’t have been so embarrassing, I didn’t know these guys from Adam. So they had no chance of it happening in the first place.

This definitely takes the cake on embarrassment.