Complicated, the EP – INSTALL

“Where words fail, music speaks.”~ Hans Christian Andersen

As a music fan in general, it was a good day. As a personal and close friend of the music behind the man who calls himself INSTALL, it was a long time coming… a day of bliss and of reckoning.

The official release was around the birthday of Garry Franklin aka INSTALL (SLURR, Paperthreat) last October.

But being someone who is so old school, that I don’t do digital downloads, finding a physical copy on a CD was going to feel like a Herculean task of the ages.

But sometimes the blood, sweat, and tears are just worth it when the result comes that blows your mind.

Just when I thought I knew was coming, I was knocked over and blown away with such awesomeness in music history that the moment would best be fitted if it was dipped in gold. Or in this case, fucking platinum. But hey, that’s just one man’s opinion.

But to be honest, I must admit that I had been waiting for this project to come public for at least the past four years. Maybe a little bit longer.

In the spirit of keeping honest with you, INSTALL is also my apartment manager.  A musician to win over much. In his spare time I heard the song “Complicated” and was stuck like glue. So throughout the past few years I would hear this great evolution of a song. I even have the older versions of it and I can tell the progression from then to now. And no matter what happens, the song hits home to the point that I get goosebumps just listening to it. 

“You were gonna be my forever ” one of the best lyrics written that I have heard in a very long time. And that most likely exists because I am able to relate to it with my whole heart. I start to imagine and ponder just how many other scores of people that it could relate to as well.

So many thousands of people going through the same kind of emotion and heartbreak as the song takes you through as if it was on a journey to and from the heart. Certainly people can understand where INSTALL is coming from. Certainly the music of INSTALL can fit a purpose for those in emotional turmoil to let them know that they are not alone.

Very few musical acts out there today go at it with such passion as INSTALL. Talk about refreshing.

“Complicated” is in fact, complicated. But it also is that kind of song that a person could connect with, shed some tears over it, and feel in some small way better about themselves because the song states what they have been feeling all along.

This is personally how I have felt throughout the years of listening to the different versions as it was being put together.  The EP has given me goosebumps countless times and nearly brought me to tears and back again.

People often listen to music and use it as their personal escape from the toils of life. “Complicated” works in this manner for me. I could start playing that song and then put it on repeat for the next several hours just to escape for a bit, knowing that this song understands my emotion and feeling.

“Today Or Never” gets you on your feet! If you aren’t clapping or tapping your foot or even up and around and dancing to it, check your pulse because you’re most likely dead. You cannot help but wanna yell to the world with lyrics such as “If the fire in you doesn’t burn for me” and even “You’re not the only one with a Plan B.”

I just wanna go and play this song to all those who have done me wrong, or those people that I know who are currently doing me wrong. Its what I call the Middle Finger Anthem. 

Probably the one lyric that just turns me wild is “We could have stayed friends with the same result.” From of course the song “We Could Have Stayed Friends.” 

I thought I was okay with writing poetry and lyrics, but INSTALL just knocks it out of the park. His musical abilities have for years blown my mind to the point where I have never really felt worthy of talking to him one-on-one about music.

“We Could Have Stayed Friends” actually pushes me to the edge of tears. But for whatever reason, those tears never fall. I’ve not decided if whether or not that is a good thing. But the urge always comes. And if music can move me to do that, then I honestly believe that I need to start paying attention to that music because there’s obvious a message that either needs to be said or is being said and I should listen.

My copy of the EP has a hidden SECRET  track. Can anyone say BONUS?????

I’ve seen him play drums with the band SLURR a couple of times now. It is always a good time. But he really pounds the shit out of those drums like there’s no tomorrow. I’ve not seen anything like that in a long time, unless it was a heavy metal band. But it is apparent that INSTALL goes ALL IN, 100% of the time!!! Musicians who are like that are hard to find. Plus with the abilities that he does possess, I mean I don’t even know why he’s still around here. He needs to take his musical career to the upper levels because that’s where he deserves to be. And no, I’m not saying that just to get a break on my rent. The big names of the music industry should have recognized INSTALL a long damned time ago.

Check out INSTALL on SoundCloud:

You can also find his most recent band project, SLURR, on Facebook. Its the best way to keep up with everything. Especially if you wanna be one of the few that will have the opportunity to see his stuff LIVE:

https://www.facebook.com/slurrtx

INSTALL, bitch.

So Complicated……. I’m ready for more, more, more!

Don’t Know If I’ll Make It Until Then

“I love bringing roses to a woman when she least expects it.”~ Esai Morales

I’m sitting here, staring blank at the clock and I realize that in just a few minutes, it is about to be a new day.

I also realize that it will be one day closer to that ill-thought that is Valentine’s Day.

I thought that this year would be different for me. I no longer have that thought any more this very night. And with under a week to go….. the answer is unclear at this point.

I had asked someone to “be my Valentine” and in my past experiences, either I was lied to or my request was denied. And even if I had offered an evening full of PLATONIC surprises to a woman, having a date for that night would never ever happen. Not ever.

The closest thing that came to a Valentine’s Day celebration was with my last girlfriend. She didn’t want conventional gifts such as roses and chocolates. But she was able to chose what was to be had for dinner and I was the one that cooked it and had it ready to be placed on the table by the time she got home from work. There was no intimacy that evening either as she had been feeling bad days prior and all the excitement of the surprise was too much for her to handle. She went to bed long before I did that night.

So I’ve not been given the experience of chocolates, and roses, and diamonds, and kissing and making love. And yes that makes me VERY BITTER towards the holiday in general almost to the point of hating it.

But yes, I did ask someone to be my Valentine this year. And they said yes. Okay, great… now what? Now it was time to go into the pages of the books written by Jodi Ambrose and take a refresher course of the do’s and do not’s. Even though this woman ….. well, there’s nothing there. Just me being interested. 

I won’t get into detail to spare anyone from the public shaming session that would be inevitable to come by colleagues and close personal friends of mine, but so close to being able to do what I would like to do on a Valentine’s Day ….. only to find out that the woman has betrayed my senses and my trust. I know that I will be receiving personal messages about this. And I am ready for some of those messages to be along the lines of “I told you so!” but I will not fight them.  Being tricked and deceived by someone in this manner is not fun. I find it earth shattering and it doesn’t help anything going on with me upstairs.   

So again with just so many days left.. I’ve not done anything about it. I don’t know at this point if I will or if I will just let Valentine’s Day slide and let it join the rest of the lonely Valentine’s Days that I have a nearly a lifetime of.

Maybe one day I will get it right.

Maybe I won’t.

If you are still reading this: blog posts are probably going to be this “sad” for a while until I am able to stand back up again. And I know that day is coming!!

It is honestly not meant intentionally to the masses of people to be reading about my pain but this IS MY BLOG!! And I shall turn a few posts into a diary if I feel like it.

And even if I make the rest of this week through… I’m just not sure that I will make it to BJ & Steak Day.

 

The Last Goodbye (Sneak Peak Review)

I am one ball of emotional mess right now.

The band BEAUTIFUL DISTURBANCE kind of leaked their own music video that is soon to be released on Facebook this morning and I think that I caught the end of it before they hid it again on YouTube.

The song will be released on the 23rd of January. I am guessing it will be available for downloading and all of that. And probably the video will be back live again at that time as well.

I was not sure what to expect. I know that I love these guys and they treat me like family. Even more than Olive Garden could ever dream of doing. Besides, BEAUTIFUL DISTURBANCE doesn’t charge me for food. But I shall digress from explaining the differences.

I know that personally, I go on and on and on about my favorite song from them called “Nearly Forgotten” but has this one reached the top as well and could it actually dethrone what I have been considering to be their best song that they ever wrote??

Being that it was only a sneak peak, I won’t give too much of it away. But everything about it just latched on to me in some personal and emotional way. Before the first verse was even being sung, I had to push away from the desk. Both of my hands on my face and covering my mouth.

Brenda Flores

And then lyrically it struck!!! I felt myself leaning forward until I fell down on my hands and knees on the floor. Still watching the video on the monitor, I wept so hard in my own hands. The goosebumps, tears, and tingles were relentless.

The song is full of heartache for sure. The musical talents of Auggie Del Rey and the vocal power of  Brenda Flores made for such an emotional ride through personal turmoil as I felt I was right along with them in this power struggle for love and the fight to keep the balance of everything around us to keep it alive and not let it die.

There’s going to be a lot of people who are going to be in such a similar situation that equals with the lyrics of this song, that its going to speak to them as well.

I think that I was very fortunate to see the sneak peak. And it drives me to the edge of insanity to know what the rest of the album is going to sound like.

This band has made such an impact both musically and personally for me. And I love them all. Its just so awesome that they are coming out with kick ass stuff!!

And to think, all of this so close to my own birthday. I understand that Auggie Del Rey’s birthday is one day before mine. So we can share in that. That’s cool. Early birthday gifts??? Why not!!!

But it really was an awesome tune. Once they open it back up to the public again… I’m going to be all over it.

 

Things I Don’t Understand Make Me Angry

“I know all about cheating. I’ve had six very successful marriages.”~Bobby Heenan

People often get excited when they enter into a full blown new relationship. I know that I do!

I witnessed one shouting from the mountain tops this afternoon of her new found love that was right under her nose! And was feeling pretty silly for not considering the guy to give him a chance at something more long term.

So I inquired. After all, this was a person that I had thought I had a few years to go before I earned “tenure” and going one on one never seemed to go wrong. With a few obvious and constant exceptions that were just mind meltingly annoying.

As expected, more details were being handed out as I was in a private conversation with her. But she could not restrain herself from being so damned bubbly about the new prospective relationship.

Okay, I get that. Nothing to get annoyed about.

Until I learned of their history together. It was someone that has been around in her life for a very long time. Just that he came in and out of it at certain points.

You see, I had met this person from the Internet over a decade ago. But at the time she was married with children. So I backed off knowing that even trying to attempt anything wasn’t going to get me any where.

“She’s single now. Go get her!!!”

Fast forward all that time and our paths crossed again. This time, she was divorced with children. I attempted to make my move and woo her as much as possible without having the fault of the Internet make me sound like some gushing pervert.

Needless to say that I failed. And realized that a factor in this problematic situation was the very large distance. And probably the age difference as well as she was a few years elder than I. But hell, age is nothing but a number. But the miles in between I was believing would be an issue.

So I almost gave up.

Besides, the annoying habit was that each and every time I corresponded with her online and I said something wooing or flirtatious or whatever, her response was always to hand over an emoticon of a smile.

🙂

Wait. What? Seriously?? How was I to win at anything when combating those stupid smiley faces???

Fast forward again back to present time. The “hero of her heart of the day” was a person that she had cheated with on her husband back during the days when she was married.

WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And to think I was attempting to take a shot at her, now that she was untied, unkept, and single.

I spent all that time flirting and complimenting and chatting, but for what? Absolutely nothing. Unless she just absorbed that kind of attention.

And I wondered what kind of major bullet did I dodge by actually LOSING the  task of winning her heart and/or affection?

Cheating is nothing that I understand. I do not understand why people do it. Although I have been the person that someone cheated WITH on a number of experiences in the past. Of course all of those just about ruining my life in the long run.

So yes, cheaters make me angry. And to believe that even if I would have won the affections of her… how long before she would have cheated on ME?!?!?!?

I’m pretty sure that science and history come together that when a person cheats, that it makes it just that much easier to do it again and again and again. And who needs that? Cheating is lying and lying is cheating. And I don’t know of anyone who wants to be lied to or cheated on. 

I suppose that in some twisted way, I should be thanking this woman for being honest with me about her past. I couldn’t help but be frustrated at her la-de-da attitude about what she had done, but then again… those are NOT my consequences. It was still shocking nonetheless. 

So here’s a lifetime of being spared the agony. The finances. The emotional turmoil. And the realization of being cheated on yet again as it has happened to me in my lifetime, by my first ever serious girlfriend.

NOT cool.

So yeah, I’m angry. Angry to know what she’s been through. Angry to know what she’s done. And angry to know what she is absolutely capable of!!!!

The question is, now that she’s falling for the man that she cheats with when she is with other men, who is she going to cheat with on THIS guy?!?!?!?

Doesn’t sound fair, does it?? 

There are no mistakes in cheating. It only causes damage of magnitudes that you never thought possible.

It turns the strong into fragile beings. It turns the faithful into the untrusting.

Worlds crash, people’s lives are changed forever, and for what? Because you decided to find happiness elsewhere and hide it. If you’re not happy ….. don’t freakin’ cheat.

 

 

 

 

Revelations In Pain

“People’s minds are changed through observation and not through argument.”~Will Rogers

It has been a very wild past couple of days. I’m not bragging or anything. I am just saying its been quite an experience.

I’ve gone through some heartbreaking experiences. Things that I won’t go into detail about, but with every experience that I have had that are similar to what I just went through, there’s always been a rainbow at the end of the storm. And that rainbow is the knowledge of what I did wrong, what others did wrong, and how I attributed to what did go wrong.

So the other day I was speaking with someone and I was expressing my hurt, anguish, and disappointment.

Come to find out that my misery was coming from personal disappointment in other people. I had been placing far too much faith and trust in them, and they turned around and broke it by doing something stupid.

For anyone else, they probably would look at this case and think that these people that I put so much trust in, were complete idiots.

So then why did it hurt so much with great disappointment? Others were doing virtually the same thing, but it wasn’t as consequential as the previous group.

Then came in the revelation. The lesson important to life: The ones that we actually care about and love dearly, are the ones that hurt us the most.

Damn. That was deep!!

The ones that we care about the most, are the ones that hurt us.

Through my previous agony, I realized that this was spot on. The people that I loved, were hurting me the most. Why?? Because whatever they were thinking, they were wanting to “help” me or “protect” me. And therefore did and said some really stupid shit, in my opinion. Stupid enough to hurt my feelings to the core.

I’m becoming better and better at recognizing veils of pain and insults. I’m not saying that I am a professional, but I am getting better at detecting them.

And so those who were disappointing me were attempting to veil their harsh words.

The other thing that makes it true is the fact that when we regard certain people in such high esteem (or even place them up on that pedestal) then we crumble within when we find out that those who we regard so highly does something so low. We believe that they know better, and therefore wouldn’t do it. And then when they actually do it in our faces, your faith begins to shake, and in some cases begins to crack and fall apart.

But these are the same people that will actually hurt you because they care so much about you. Just as much as you care about them. Unless its unbalanced. Then you are just a stalker.

And besides…… if someone does something to you that was wrong, and you don’t care that much about them, it is not going to hurt as much. Why??? Because you do not care and will not take the time to allow your emotions to get tangled up in pain.

I’ve had these past few days to think about who has done what to me and why. And it just comes down to these two main points. That those who care about us the most are the ones who hurt us. And those who we care about the most, hurt us for what they often do.

Its a hard lesson. But I think it is an important lesson to learn.

Radiation Burns

“You made me confess the fears that I have. But I will tell you also what I do not fear. I do not fear to be alone or to be spurned for another or to leave whatever I have to leave. And I am not afraid to make a mistake, even a great mistake, a lifelong mistake and perhaps as long as eternity too.”~ James Joyce

A few days ago, I was hanging out with a friend of mine who is female. I do not get to spend a lot of social time with her and so any opportunity that I am able to get my hands on, I go for it. To the best of my ability.

It was a pleasant visit with her and I really cannot complain all that much to be in her company.

All of a sudden, my cell phone began to ring. I ignored it because I was busy. But then a few minutes later, it rang again and for another time I did ignore it.

Moments later, another time it rang. So I excused myself from my friend and answered the call.

At the moment that I realized that it was not necessarily an emergency but rather a social call, I explained that I had company and was not able to sit down and socialize but I would return their call when I was at home.

I ended the phone conversation with, “Okay. I will call you later. I love you.” And then I hung up.

To which my female counterpart took that as an invitation for taunting and teasing and to play 50 questions.

No… to this day, I am not married, engaged, have a girlfriend, involved in a relationship, or gay. And these were the extent of the questions that I endured. As I said, I do not get a lot of time to hang out with this friend of mine. So it was understandable to me that she would not be aware of current events in my life. And that basically was the purpose for hanging out with her… to catch up with one another. But she could not understand why I had such an affectionate ending salutation to the conversation.

I explained that it is just who I am. That I say it to all my friends. And then things got heavy between her and I.

She said, “You do not say that to me whenever we hang up.”

My reply??

“That is because in the past when I have attempted to make such a ending salutation with you, you detonated a nuclear device to protect yourself in your own defense. And I got tired of having radiation burns.” 

As it may be very true that I do love and care for all of my friends, this still is something that I just do/say. Some accept it, some reject it. That’s just how things are with certain individuals that I choose to have in my social circles.

Some reciprocate the verbal displays of affection. Most do not.

And although I do not believe that there’s anything wrong with telling all of your friends that you love them. One must understand and respect the boundaries of other people’s feelings. You must acknowledge that some people just aren’t that expressive. To which that is not their fault. Nor is it yours.

If that is the case, just because it is not verbalized doesn’t mean that the you or the other person does not care about you. Or that you do not care about the other person. It boils down to every individual’s comfort zone. And if one person shows signs that they are not comfortable with such an exchange, you have to respect that and not push the issue.

We all have at some point gone and said the “L word” to someone and came back with such a major burn that we began to think that we wouldn’t be able to survive the night. But in reality, we all survive. Perhaps a little broken and hurt. But we learned that it is a boundary that should be noted not to cross again. In time our wounds did heal.

And I will repeat myself here: Just because its not said, doesn’t mean that its not felt.

As for my female counterpart, what I said to her would ultimately sting her. And I did make the effort to apologize for that because that was not the intention. But I made it clear that I was aware that she was not comfortable with hearing such sentiments from me as her friend, and therefore I simply stopped and respected that boundary. I also did mention that I totally enjoy the times that we spend together, as infrequent as they already are… in the hopes of mending things with her.  Going in for the kill was not the plan.

But she understood where I was coming from. And we were able to move forward with the rest of the day. And in the end when it came time to go, we hugged. So that was OUR way of sharing that particular moment of love, care, and of course– respect for one another as friends.

Pushing something on people whether its because you want them to do or say something is never the thing to do. It only causes a lot of friction in your social relationships and quite possibly, causes them harm. To which, you will end up having to switch gears and begin damage control. And that at times can become a hindering issue.

Always keep in mind: Once bitten, twice shy. If you strike and you are bitten then don’t fool with it again. How many times are you going to stick your hand inside of a fire before you say “Ouch! That burns!”

If you strike and its graciously accepted? Well, don’t abuse it either. Let things come as they may.

The greatest thing in the world is love. And love is defined in infinite ways. Don’t meddle with that. Its okay to love your friends as you love your family. Just don’t vomit your expressive feelings on them. Family is one thing, friends and social groups are totally another. Know the boundary lines.

Anger

“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.”~ Thomas Kempis

Angry. Pissed off. Ticked off. Hacked off. Boiled over. All of these things are used to describe a person’s anger.

There are two kinds of basic emotions. Fear and love. Anger stems from fear, and not love.

Anger is an automatic response to ill treatment. It is the way a person indicates he or she will not tolerate certain types of behavior. It is a mechanism that we fire back in which an unpleasant stimulus is met with an unpleasant response.

Anger is an emotion related to one’s psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged or denied and a tendency to undo that, commonly by retaliation.

But I feel that we can go deeper into this. It is my feeling that anger comes from the loss of control. Once we realize that we have lost control over something, anger is our way of responding to it to show that we find the result unsatisfactory.

Our body language commonly shows the signs of anger. Much like the wild beasts, we snarl and growl and give off facial expressions that allows others to know, we are not happy.

But I think that it is correct to say that it stems from fear. When something happens that we lost control over, we are fearing what could happen next because the end results are not going to be what we had expected it to be. We can no longer guide our destiny as we once were, and so we’re left with the outpouring of this particular part of emotion of fear, by expressing that we are really pissed off.

There are a lot of things that cause us to be angry, some of them include:

• Other drivers.
• Being placed on hold with a business or customer service, or being handed off from one person to the next, and spending all that time doing so.
• Our perception of other people’s activities and actions that we believe to be wrong.

I believe that it is very natural to be angry. However, I do think that there is a right and a wrong way to handle our negative emotional state.

Everybody has heard the phrase, “anger management”. Hollywood did a marvelous job in portraying a more funny side of it. But there are some people who would definitely be considered a good candidate for anger management in reality.

Being angry is done by choice. You choose to be angry. Those people who could most benefit from managing their anger have a problem with knowing when to stop being angry and they allow themselves to be in a cycle, rather than just going through the steps and motions of being angry. They repeat it over and over and over again.

This is how anger begins.

1. The Trigger. Something has caused us to become angry. Whether it be loss, or words, or actions or anything else that will “trigger” the emotion.

2. Internal Angry Reaction. At this point, you realize that something is different and that it is unpleasant.

3. Internal Intensification. The point in time in which your body begins to justify its emotions, most of the time people with anger problems justify their anger improperly based on false assumptions. Internally, there is an onset of chemical release, and such things as your heart rate and breathing increase dramatically.

4. External Barrier Break. The more obvious signs of anger that others can clearly identify. Such as screaming, shouting, crying, gesturing, and fist pumping.

5. Explosive Peak. This stage is prone towards the violent and physical side of expressing anger. Dangerous to oneself and others. This is also the stage in which people may react verbally, and ultimately say something that they did not mean.

6. Exhaustion and Withdrawal. The emotion of anger, or at least the majority of it  

7. Remorse and Apology — or – Intense Justification. The final stage of anger. The realization that someone might have said something that they didn’t mean, and now they are feeling remorse and regret. Those who realize their errors use this time to apologize for their outburst.

8. Repeat. For many of us who do not have issue with anger problems, this stage doesn’t always apply. Those who do, always hit this stage and return swiftly back to number one.

Breaking the anger cycle begins with developing awareness of your personal triggers and identifying opportunities to change your reactions. If anger is a choice, then we should probably take note to our triggers. And if again those triggers come up, we might find the strength within us to attempt to deal with it in another way, rather than anger. It is not always easy to do that though.

I still believe that anger is a natural human response, even if it is a choice. Expressing anger is far better than suppressing it. Studies show that women live on an average of 10 years longer than men. And it could be related to the fact that women have an easier time expressing anger than men. But I can’t say that is for sure.

Life has never been designed for control. We are not supposed to be puppets on a string. We would absolutely hate it if we were. Just think about whether or not YOU would want to be pulled around by strings, I doubt that you would.

So then when we do lose control, we become angry. Never keep it bottled up inside of you. It only does so much damage to your body, both physically and mentally. Keep track of what is triggering your anger. Then move towards a Plan B, if you are your own cause for anger and frustration. Fix what needs to be fixed.

Remember, there is a difference between expressing your anger and taking it out on someone. Know what those lines are and stay away from causing yourself and your relationships so much harm and damage, and at the same time, allow your mental state to be clean and healthy. Deal with whatever it is you must deal with. Learn from mistakes if there are any, and press on in life.