After The Poison Is Gone

158 days and then it was all over, as I nervously walked away.

“It’s OKAY to BE WEAK…….We aren’t robots. We live, laugh, love, screw up, start over, do better, blow it, then try again. I do. And there is a blessing to being weak. It offers others the gift of being strong for us. When we allow others to help us, we are giving them a gift. We feel good when we can help others. Why would others be different? So many of you take time to comment, encourage, offer help and you guys make me better each day……We are not alone.” — K. Lamb

Dear readers, take some time to read this:

http://warriorwriters.wordpress.com/2014/03/31/is-your-life-out-of-control-what-can-we-do-when-nothing-is-going-right/

Today is the first day to the rest of my life! It was the last paragraph of that particular chapter of my life. I felt no choice but to walk away. Today was for certain going to be the first day of second-guessing, self-destructive loathing, and everything inside of the kitchen sink.

And then this morning was this blog by Kristen Lamb. 

I lived, I loved, and then I screwed it all up. And fell down… all the while putting on the act that I wasn’t hurting, and putting every blame on the other person because THEY were the ones who were hurting me. Not bothering to see that even though I was drinking the poison by the bucket, but when I was done with that daily bucket, I was shooting it also into my arm, causing self-inflicted pain and destruction.

Once I threw away the syringe and dropped the buckets to the ground and refused to take another drop, I thought that I had to wait for whatever was in my system to run its course.

Kristen’s post had given to a me a real hard kick that I needed to release any residual poison from my system.

It is okay to be human. After all, that is who we all are and are nothing else!!

And so it begins RIGHT NOW that new chapter, that new paragraph on a brand new page. Yes it is scary as hell because I am facing a new day without that dose of poison and I don’t know what will happen but if I allow myself to be strong for me and help me, then most assuredly I will be okay.

I will give all the credit today to Kristen. Be sure to check out her entire blog. She’s one of the funniest women that I’ve almost met.

Kristen Lamb’s WANA World of Warriors

When The Time Comes To Say Those Words You Hate To Say

“It feels right. But it’s emotional. Saying goodbye to anything you’ve done that long is hard.”~ Angela Ruggiero

The 28th of February, will be our social services coordinator’s last and final day of working with us here at the apartment complex where I live.

She had started to tell this to everyone on a one-on-one basis, knowing that the news was going to spread like wild fire.

She’s been with us for two years. And unfortunately for me, her leaving will be the fourth person who has come and taken over that office and that job and has eventually left.

One retired, one quit, one got fired. This one found a better job opportunity. And yet here I am in my numb state talking about it as it is just beyond midnight and will have the morning and part of the afternoon to see her at her work, in her office. Not really knowing what to say to her other than to wish her well in her future endeavors. But I am not one for typical responses. 

My neighbor tried to pin it on the fact that she’s this hot chick with long red hair. But that was established two years ago when she walked in the door for her first interview and I happened to see her walking up the sidewalk to enter into our community building. It was also established that she was married and had been for many years. And I just don’t play that game of home wrecking.

So for two years, I’ve done what I could to deal with that sort of thing and I believe that I have done my best not to let it get in the way of letting her do her job and whatever else she needed to do.

Yet when you are around someone five days a week, forty hours a week, one cannot help but develop some attachment. Even if its just simply being social and polite and acting like a caring human being. Yes I did find the long red hair attractive on her. No, I didn’t say or do anything really stupid in order to make her freak out or wanna report me to the police or her boss or whatever. I did say some snarky things but I knew that I had crossed a boundary by her reply of either “oh boy!!” or “oh dear!!” None of which had any permanent damage and yes, I was brave enough to tell her that I was sorry during times. And forgiveness was shortly followed. 

But here I am faced with a dilemma that is very much so a personal problem. The farewell. Or as the rest of you call it “The Goodbye Conversation” … even though I freakin’ HATE using that term. What is appropriate? But also what is not going to sound like a standard and cliché response?

With the new job that she took, it does sound like (for her) that it would be a step forward and an improvement. And honestly, we all should do that in our lives and careers. Step and move forward. But it does not sound like much of an opportunity that she would return for a visit any time soon. Much like the person before her. But the person before her actually retired, instead of going to a different job. So the former person has the time, the one who is leaving us today probably will not.

So I hope that soon, everything will be okay and that I won’t sound like an asshole when I am having my last conversation with her …. as a professional. Nobody can say for sure if I will ever have a conversation away from this property and as a person. I do believe however, that anything is possible. I just hope that the possible becomes a probable.

I spoke to a different professional today. I explained that her leaving us is like being in mourning. Those of us (like myself) who got close enough to her. And they said that I was right. Being in “mourning” just plain sucks.. there’s nothing else more to describe it. And I hope that the mourning period for this particular personal loss will not last long.

I am sure that I will write a follow-up blog soon, probably sometime this weekend. Wish me luck!!!!!!!!!

Closing Chapters

“If I were asked, it’d be a hard decision, but I’d lean toward no. The Playboy chapter in my life is now closed. I would definitely model, but I don’t think I would pose nude. I’m on to the next chapter of being a mom and a wife.” ~  Kendra Wilkinson

Less than a full week into the new year of 2014, already I can sense the changes in my life. Some good, some bad, some sad, some pretty amazing!!

As previously mentioned, I believe that I was the most fortunate of people to have been able to come out of my own shell and look around me. To be able to gaze to the left and to the right of me to see what I honestly did and did not have. I could see that I literally was in a forest. 

And because I saw what I did, it was the smallest of things that I had been missing that was causing the most pain and damage. When your life teaches you that you are about to come to the end of the chapter,  you still grieve because it is still a loss. Those people that you thought would be there for forever end up being in your life for a shorter time than you once thought and now they are gone.

But there has to be many chapters that come  to a close to allow life to open another one. And we never really know what will happen as we never know the future.

I think that though there’s got to be some good coming from opening a new door or a new chapter. I mean personally speaking… already ever since I realized that I will eventually have to take out the trash of my life, I found new relationships to savor and enjoy. One north, one south.  

My point being that it took the pain of cutting loose those who were poison to be able to allow myself to heal and then make room for the new. And to be honest, I’m happier with the new. Much happier than what I was with that has seemingly “been there for me” for these past recent years.

Also, yes it did hurt. And it is hurting really bad. But this pain is temporary and will eventually go away.

 

Season Finale

Today is the season ending performance for the Austin Blades. I think that is a bitter sweet ending to a season that was filled with promise for the team’s future.

This though for me, is the end of my third season of playing. I think that I have done well and I hope that the coaching staff believes that I have improved.

A lot has happened since the end of last year’s season. The Blades were able to step it up a notch when I had completed the task of getting a logo that would go on to our practice jerseys. A task that had started way back in June of last year. It finally became a reality six months later. The team was thrilled.

We’ve lost some team members throughout the year. Some from illnesses and surgery. But I believe that our core members stuck through it all season long. I call it, “The Awesome Foursome”.

I will however miss being on the ice. Unfortunately for me, my season came to an end when back in March, I ended up with pneumonia. I never recovered fully enough to return on to the ice. And when I was healthy enough to play, we had no ice time. I am hopeful that with the beginning of next season I will be able to keep in better health and be able to continue in my goals of one day being on the U.S. National Team and represent my country.

Unfortunately, the team was unable to secure any tournament play this year. And we as a team, were given the shaft when it came to having a performance during the intermissions of an AHL hockey game locally. Last year’s performance during an intermission, we played in front of over 6,000 people! Absolutely exciting!!

But the team members will take the summer off. Coaching staff as well. I am hoping that our core members will continue to do whatever they can to find some ice time on their own so that they are able to continue in their strength and endurance throughout so that come the time we begin next season, we are able to hit the ground (or ice in this matter) running at full force and never look back.

I’m going to miss it, for sure. I’m sad that I was not able to get back on to the ice and do what I love to do the most. But the ice won’t go away, I will some day make a return. My passion is too strong to let it just go.

In the mean time, I will do what I did last summer during the break. Strive for donations and help. My mind will focus on doing what I can to help make the team better from off the ice.

Our team though needs a van. One that will be able to carry players, sleds, and equipment so that we CAN participate in tournament play in other cities across the country.

My time on the ice with the team ends for now, but my dedication and work for the team continues.

GO BLADES!!!