Posts Tagged ‘fear’

“I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to.”~ Elvis Presley 

Since I’ve noticed that you faithful readers love to read posts about what was then considered “painful”, but now is absolutely funny, I’ve decided for this post to oblige you one more time.

If you know my family, you can ask them and they will confirm that this character on the children’s program, “Sesame Street”, scared me to death!!!!!!

As a child, I had a lot of difficulty with a lot of things because they were extremely sensitive to my young hearing. Mainly loud noises such as sirens, jet planes, church bells, whistles, air horns, thunder and so on.

Yet I was terrified and terrorized by this muppet from each episode of Sesame Street that he appeared in. It got to the point where I would immediately begin to cry whenever he would show up on the screen and my mother would have to come in and hold my ears until it was all over.

This character was a composer and he would always struggle to find the last few lines of any simple tune, such as “Mary Had A Little Lamb” and “Twinkle, Twinkle”. Kermit the Frog would always be standing there by his piano as a reporter and whenever the piano player would get stuck trying to come up with the next line, he’d take his frustrations out by slamming his head onto the keyboard.

I think that it was the abrupt noise of hands being slammed down on the piano that got to me. I don’t know or remember.

This muppet always made me cry!

How funny that I would never learn until tonight that the character’s name was Don Music. However soon after the debut of Don Music on the show, reports of children imitating him and getting hurt by pounding their heads on pianos caused the producers to take him off the show.

As a kid, I probably didn’t care. I just didn’t want him to do what he always did. Slam his head on the keyboard.

Eventually by the end, he would be able to get the song that he was struggling so hard with, and then a chorus of others would come into the room and join him in singing whatever song he was trying to get.

I came across a photograph of him earlier today and I swam in the memories of being in total fear. And then I just laughed my butt off.

I’m not quite sure when or how old I was when I finally would LAUGH whenever he would bang his head on the piano, but I would get over my fear of it. And the extremely loud noises that bothered me as a child would soon pass away.

Oh, the things that scar us when we were younger!



“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”~Jonathan Swift
Well, dang.
Two weeks into this entire business of healing at home and I have absolutely no way of knowing whether or not I am healing or if my health is going in the right direction in order for my body to heal with wound left from surgery.
Some days, I’m doing fine. Other days I am not do so hot. It is a relentless dance of taking four steps forward, two steps back, then three steps forward, and another step back. This dance overall is annoying.
And then it struck me like a ton of dirt being dumped on my head.

'Reality Calling!'

So far I’ve not really “missed” anything important. Since the closure of two ice rinks and the beginning of fights over who will get ice time at the last remaining sheet of ice, let’s just say I’ve not practiced or played since last November. And so in that regard, I have not missed anything since my hospital visit and beyond.
However I know that there will be events coming soon. And with an open wound somewhere on my body, it really would not be an intelligent move on my part to strap myself down in a sled and go out there breakin’ heads and scoring goals from miraculous angles of awe and glory and just setting the scoreboard on fire.
Soon though, we will be on the ice. Performing our first exhibition in front of thousands of screaming, drunk hockey fans in about a month from now. We had done that before in front of almost a sell out crowd a few years ago. Doing it again last November in Houston in front of even thousands of more fans, was totally thrilling. So I want to do it again and experience that supportive roar of the crowd. And like I said, I have no way of knowing whether or not my wound is healing.
It is truly disappointing to think that I may have to sit out the rest of the season. It’s not over yet, as many people have thought. Our schedule will go on through the month of May.
But last season, I had such difficulties finding sufficient transportation to and from practices in January that by February I was out for what would be the rest of the season because I ended up with pneumonia.
Then when the pneumonia had passed, I had two opportunities to make practices. But then again, transportation issues.
That was then. But now… this.
And with the rumor of our team captain giving up sledge hockey, and wheelchair basketball because “he’s getting too old”, it would be a personal opportunity for me to step up for my team and go from co-assistant captain to team captain. Since a lot of my teammates seem to think I would be a better candidate for that anyway, it wouldn’t be such a move made in pride or snobbery. I think deep down that I AM their captain in their minds.
But I will not bend to rumor. Whether or not he stays or goes will have no bearing on whether or not I continue my participation with the team and the season and the seasons to come.
What I must do, is get BETTER. And FAST!!!!!!!!
In March, we’ll be doing our exhibition locally. In April, there’s a possibility of participating in a giant tournament in Dallas. Of which if we do participate, we will get our asses beat to a pulp. But we’ll have the experience under our belts. And then in May, back to Houston for another “Paralympic Experience” as we hosted here back in January.
It is breaking my heart into pieces to think that I might miss all of that. I could go looking for something or someone to blame, but I won’t because it is what it is and that’s the way it is.
But if nothing I think that my silver medal would be to actually go with the team and be their support, even if I am not going to be on the ice. To miss the experience altogether would be a shame.
I know that many are looking forward to the events in March. People that have been so curious to watch me play and learn what I do because they are so interested in it. I will focus on whatever the heck it is I have to do to heal and get better. And if I am not there yet, I will show up anyways. I’m pretty adamant about that.
The dance though of forward and backward is killing me. Keep me in your thoughts as I tackle this bad boy with tenacity.


“A lot of people get impatient with the pace of change.”~ James Levine
People often say that “change is scary”. But then there are others that tell you that “change is good”. So it can be difficult to know who is right and who is wrong.
But I think that we all have come across a point in our lives when we were in need of some kind of change, and we live to tell about it. But then why is it so scary??
I’ve come to my own realization that it isn’t the change that is causing the fear. But rather it is the fact of the unknown of what is going to happen once we make that certain change. We have no assurances of whether or not the change was a good or a bad idea.
We become overwhelmed with being so nervous about what could possibly happen next. Instead of focusing on the reasons why we felt we needed the change in the first place. We don’t remind ourselves as to why we need the change. But we fixate on the dark and scary future, to which we have no idea what will become of our change.
Over the past weekend, I was carpet bombed with a dose of reality that it damn near choked me. And it caused me to believe that I am in need of a change. And if that change does not happen, then I am surely going to be heading down the road of misery and sadness for years to come.
So then why is it so hard? Because I don’t know what is going to happen to me once I make that change.
Often times, we know what is the right thing to do. But we never do it because we fear the unknown future. And so our lives continue to suffer to a degree because we don’t make those changes.
We begin to think about the things that we could lose because of the change. We become fearful of to lose something that we have been so comfortable for so long in having and we wonder if we will lose it entirely? And if so, it takes us completely out of our comfort zone. And nobody honestly likes that. So instead of having faith that our change will take us to a better place in our lives in the long run, we cling to our old comfort zone and stay in that place of comfort, even if it means we continue to be miserable.
Change is not difficult. Being able to keep holding on to our faith that we will be okay, is the part that makes it hard.
And then there is change that happens to us without warning. How we as human beings cope and adapt to it will often be the way in which we can tell how we will deal with the change. Things happen sometimes, and we cannot control it. So in that case, change happens whether we like it or not.
But for those times in which we hit the crossroads, in which they are many, we have to be strong and brave enough to know that we are doing the right thing for our lives. A constant flow of positive thinking could help us along the way to remind ourselves that we are doing this for a reason. And usually that reason is for the betterment of our personal lives.
As for my situation, I eventually will hit that spot in the road where I will make that decision to change or not. And so I must have faith that “it will be okay”.


“Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.” ~Swedish Proverb

In the last week or so, I haven’t been my normal self. At least I haven’t been feeling that way. I have had others come up to me asking me what is wrong and oddly enough I look at them like they have bullfrogs coming out of their ears for asking such a question. Nice visual, eh??

But I’ve come to remember that it is through the eyes of others that can see in us, what we cannot see. And we actually give off signs that things aren’t going so well, even when we think that we are so good at hiding it. The truth is that we never really are that good. Some of them may be fooled, but not everyone.

So I returned to the scene of the crime, as it were, to find out what it was that caused them to ask me if I was okay. Sure enough, subtle clues about my speech and expression were the dead giveaways.

Over the last few evenings, I have not been sleeping well. If at all. Two nights worth that I can recall be awake throughout most of the hours. And I couldn’t see the forest through the trees.

At long last it had struck me. I have been filled with worry. It was consuming me, or at least my thoughts and ultimately dictating my actions. Worried about several things and many of those I have just realized are out of my control.

Worry is the thought or visual stimulation of a specific event that would have some kind of negative element to it, and so our mentality goes to battle on how in the world we can go up against it and change it so that there is no negativity.

I could worry about being kicked out of my apartment. Could happen, true. But if I visualize the fact that if I pay my rent on time and obey the rules, then the possibility of being kicked out drops to zero. So paying my rent and obeying the rules would be the prompt action that I should take. Perhaps a very meager example, but one that still makes sense.

Plenty of times though, there are certain circumstances that we worry about, and it comes up to be nothing to have been concerned or scared about in the first place. These are the cognitive distortions. We commonly take a situation in life and usually end up making a mountain out of a mole hill. Some people just are incapable of controlling their thoughts and their lives get so far out of line that it still is hard to watch them crash and burn, even though we can see it coming.

Personally speaking though, I believe that my worries are of something that are out of my control. I am not a mind reader or a fortune-teller. And I probably wouldn’t like to be one either. But it is the simple lesson of letting go.

The lesson is simple. The application of it, is not.

Everyone in the world, including myself, goes through changes in life. We really cannot truthfully say that we are in the same exact spot in life as we were five years ago, ten years ago… life moves on at its own pace, and we sometimes struggle to keep up.

I have recently become worried about certain significant changes in my own life. I began to worry whether or not I am going to be able to keep up with it. Whether or not the adaptation in life to it all will all become wonderful and good in the end. Future events, that I cannot see, become the problem. All that I have planned for the near future is almost certain to become something happy, but the thoughts of mindless minutiae have wormed their way into my brain and have set up camp. I think they’ve even started a campfire and are beginning to cook S’mores. I know that I will have lost my mental health in its entirety if I start hearing the faint sounds of campfire songs being relentlessly played over and over.

There’s nothing that I can do. Mainly because nothing has happened yet. And I am not guaranteed that they will happen. So how can I render damage control to damage that hasn’t happened yet? And who says that it will??

I finally snapped this evening, broke down and had to just take a deep breath and tell myself, “Let It Go!”. If I willfully allow all the worry to continue to spin, then life will definitely grow into some kind of monster that I will not have the capacity and/or strength to overcome.

So I am doing the best that I can to relax this evening. Whatever happens is going to happen. And I’ll cross that bridge, once I get to it. If that bridge even exists.


I believe that one and only time that I had been fearful of it being Friday the 13th, was when I was a child.

I was sitting on the bus on the way to school, and the neighborhood bully was taunting me about what I was wearing.

When I got off of the bus, the bully got in my way and would not let me pass by. He said that because I wore the color of red on Friday the 13th, that I had to be forced inside the school gym and be locked up in the dark with no water, food, or light and I would just have to wait for whatever “ghosts” would appear for them to kill me. Just because of a stupid color.

Needless to say that I became nervous. But the bully simply would not let me by him. My only saving moment was at the point where my younger brother came back to where the place where we had to stand to wait for the bus, and he backhanded the bully alongside the back of his head, then ran like hell.  The bully chased after my brother and I was free to go to my class.

Since that time, there’s been a huge fascination with the superstition of Friday the 13th, and what evil & doom it brings. Such bad luck falls upon you on this wretched horrible day. The fascination of the day even brought a string of classic horror films in the 1980’s. You know, the man in the mask???

But why? It is only superstition. It is about as real as me coming into your home late at night and snip the hairs off of your pet turtles.

And now, they’ve come with an actual word for it. Something to be added to the list of phobias.


What the frigga- are you talking about? I think I need a Hebrew, Latin, and Greek dictionary to figure out this one. And maybe Aramaic for good measure.

What boggles my mind is that they’ve actually came up with this as a phobia. Something that someone fears. It only makes things worse in my opinion. Sometimes, phobias and fears are unrealized. And yet sometimes, they are real.

I personally have suffered from arachnophobia and selachophobia. Which is the fear of spiders and sharks. But it only comes from having traumatic experiences with them.

Needless to say that even my own phobias could be a bit ridiculous. I mean, not ALL of those animals are out to get me. Just the ones I had encounters with that scared me so bad that I freak out whenever it comes in my path in some form.

But to be afraid of a day? What harm has come from a day out of the calendar year?? It is my personal opinion that people who have such a penetrating fear of Friday the 13th probably had something negative happen in their lives that just so happened on that particular day. Something to cause them to have a bad day and they did not know what else to blame it on, so they blamed it on the superstition of Friday the 13th.

I could blame all sharks for wanting to eat me, because I was so close to be swallowed whole by one. But I wasn’t. So should I be blaming them? A tarantula jumped on my neck and bit me while I was in high school. I didn’t believe that spiders could do that but it did. Should I blame all spiders for wanting to jump and bite me? Probably not.

The thing that I feel the difference is, is that spiders and sharks are something that are tangible and real. A day is in a sense real, but its a measurement of time. Not necessarily something that is tangible. You can’t put a day inside an aquarium.

This whole fear thing probably also has something to do with the “unlucky number 13”. I do not know the history behind this supestition, and I will not waste much time researching it either. But for whatever reasons there are, we have this superstition of 13 being bad.

Fridays are supposed to be good. We say “TGIF” all of the time. But suddenly when the 1st of the month begins on a Sunday on the calendar? All bets are off for the second Friday of the month. People shutter and freak out that SOMETHING is going to happen!! 

And what of Saturday the 14th? Yes, there was a really lame comedy that came out many years ago. And that’s about as parallel as this entire superstition of Friday the 13th. I just believe its so lame. I feel almost sorry for those who are so frightened of it.


Posted: May 4, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Dreams and nightmares are still a fascinating thing.

I remember that about 10 years ago, I would always try to analyze my dreams. Both good and bad and see what my body was trying to tell me. I was never really any good at it though.

There are some things that I have phobias about and they will enter my dreams from time to time.

But last night, I had such the nightmare that I found it rather difficult to shake even though I knew from the moment I woke up that none of it was true. All events never really happened.

Nightmares can plague someone to the point where they just never feel safe. And thanks to Wes Craven, back in the 1980’s there were a lot of people who were afraid to fall asleep.

Last night’s horrid dream dealt with plenty of situations that hit the wide spectrum of feelings, thoughts, and emotions. The content of sex (both consenting and non-consenting) mixed in with the fear of being chased, then being betrayed and then ultimately murder and helplessness.

Perhaps some of it was an extension of some post-traumatic stress in my past. I don’t really know. It has not been diagnosed with me. Not officially anyways.

What I ended up doing was getting completely out of bed and trying to get busy doing something other than sleep to get the horrific images out of my head and memory.  All I know is that it scared the living shit out of me.

I didn’t return back to bed for at least an hour and a half. But then I had trouble going back to sleep. So I got up a second time and by then I had been awake for pretty much most of the night, and the sun was beginning to rise.

So how do you deal or cope with having a nightmare that tends to stay with you even after you realize that it wasn’t real and it still is haunting to you?

My ex told me that it was best to talk about it with someone, outloud. That way, you can bring it to the surface and let it go. But I was personally confused by that idea. If you had a vision or a nightmare and you were awake and realized that it was over and it was not real, why would you want to talk about it and have to “re-live” it all over again?

I had heard from another person to write it down. Like writing a story. Yet again, it was seemed odd to do that because you have to think hard about the details that you just are trying to escape from.

So what’s the best way to deal with having nightmares? How frequently do you have bad dreams? We all have them. Some more than others.

I had several towards the end of January, and through February almost every night. But it soon had passed. But last night’s evil visionary tale has been stuck in my mind even this afternoon. But thankfully, not so vivid and not as scary.