I Cracked The Code

“When I was growing up, I dreamed about becoming a cowgirl, a detective, a spy, a great actress, or a ballerina. Not a dentist, like my father, or a homemaker, like my mother – and certainly not a writer, although I always loved to read.”~Judy Blume

So back in March, or the end of February of this year, I departed from hanging out with one of the neighbors.

Now almost six months later, I’ve been able to crack the code on the entire situation.

I will refer to the neighbor in question as Liz.

Liz as you  can tell from the previous post really went on a rampaged attack on me when I least suspected it. This behavior caused me to refuse to go back over to Liz’s apartment no matter what it was for. It didn’t matter.

But today the case is solved on Liz. The code has been cracked. The secret was unveiled.

Liz unfortunately works too hard in maintaining her relationships with people. She does far too much to make sure that people that she considers to be a friend is going to stay in that friendship.

Back in the day when I used to drink Dr Pepper, Liz would go out of her way to buy some form of Dr Pepper just so it was in the house and if I ever stopped by, she could offer me a refreshment and be a good host. If I had never gone over there, then there would be no reason for her and her husband to go out and buy it. They probably would still be buying their usual Ginger Ale soft drinks. But because I DID go over there and I DID drink Dr Pepper, they went meet half way and buy the Diet Dr Pepper and serve it.

You’re busted!

Liz apparently has fallen into this state of trying too hard to be everyone’s best friend. She was buying food, gifts, and other things for the person who was living directly next door to them. But that particular neighbor left because Liz is in a nasty habit of interrupting her husband (and other people) and shouting over the top of people to disrupt whatever conversation is going on without her so that she can make her point, whatever it may be or she would do it so that she too could participate in whatever conversation got started without her.

There’s something awfully wrong when your very neighbor that lives beside you decides to cut you off suddenly. Even to the point where all of the gifts that Liz had given to her were actually returned.

Liz’s insecurities in life seems to cause her to try TOO MUCH and TOO HARD to make things work with other people. Liz is the kind of person that when she meets someone and primarily gets along with the other person well enough that she aims to be that person’s #1 BFF in the entire world. She aims to be that one person, that one friend, that whenever a person has a problem or an issue or something is bothering them… that they go straight to Liz to talk about it.

What better ways to solidify that path to begin by gifts and purchases and incentives to offer whatever the person enjoys, such as me with Dr Pepper for an example. 

And as she continues to do so, she doesn’t realize that she is pushing people away instead of making sure that the glue is bonding. And when that seal of a bending relationship begins to crumble… Liz doesn’t take responsibility for her OWN actions. And if she’s at fault, the buck is being passed.

To this day… months later…. Liz is blaming Super C (from the previous post) about the troubles between Liz & I. The truth of the matter is that Liz’s mouth damaged the friendship that she and I had. Not Super C. Super C was innocent. And Liz is just dragging Super C into everything nowadays and I wonder what in the world Liz has against Super C.

People…. I honestly hope that the lesson here is quickly learned. Stop trying so hard to impress people in order to develop a friendship with someone. No matter how lonely life gets, if you try TOO hard or TOO MUCH then your plans are going to explode into your face. If you are having to try that hard to maintain your relationships then you might want to think again about whether or not its worth having to do that much for a person’s affection and attention because I would guess that deep down its not.

As for Liz, she’s burned every last bridge with people here on the property and nobody gives her any slack. According to everyone else she messed up everything. But nooooo… poor Super C gets the blame, and Super C doesn’t even know that the finger of Liz points at her back.

I implore you all, NEVER get to a situation where you are like Liz. Bottom line… at the end of the day, you’re going to be pretty lonely.

 

Never Take Advantage Of What You Have Today

“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.”~William Shakespeare 

I am writing this because I felt it to be important to share. Then I will go on with the request of writing about how I met my fifth future ex-wife a few years ago and blew it.

I was reminded by some song lyrics about a few things. In general, we should never take advantage of what we have today, because we could surely lose it by tomorrow.

Through these song lyrics that I was reading, I was reminded about how wonderful life is when you have people that are close enough to you in your life to be able to call them “friends”.

People establish relationships all of the time, and they come to us in various ways in life.

And I do use the term “relationship” when it comes to referring to those people that I consider my friends, even though a lot of the time it makes some of them who are of the opposite sex a little nervous. After all, you do RELATE to people in many ways who are your friends. It just so happens that a lot of people that I relate to, and have become friends with are women. That’s just the way it is with me.

But this moment had made me stop and think about those friends that I have in my life. Some are closer to me than others. A few know some of my worst and darkest moments as well as my happiest times in my own life. And they know every single detail to it all.

Others are there, but only at arm’s length. Yet they are there.

It all boils down to a matter of trust in that other person and their trust in me. And that’s where it had struck me that all of us should NEVER take advantage of the relationships and friendships that we have in life.

I certainly have no relationships in my life because I deserve it or it was owed to me. I have relationships and friends because I have EARNED it.

We make the decisions of who we keep close. Not because we feel compelled to do so.

There’s nothing worse for me in my life than to know that I once had a friend and then they left because of something that I had said or did in order for the other person to feel that they must terminate it.  And there are those who are so careless with what they have that they can’t even hold on to what they have. Instead they keep on in their routine and eventually something ends for them. Only for them to replace it and their cycle repeats.

As far as it relates to people and those who I call “friends”, its not anything that I would dare dream of doing to them. It kills me deep inside whenever someone has made their own decision to walk away because of whatever error I had done to them. And in the end after the fire is gone and the smoke has cleared, its up to me whether or not I have learned that lesson to never repeat such a mistake with other people in my life.

But I also must keep in mind that with my friends there has been ZERO obligation. These people are not obligated to do anything with me. It remains because of a strong and mutual desire to have one another in our lives. And usually there is a bond. That bond is the glue that keeps things going.

I had reminded myself that I should never take advantage of anyone who has come into my life because they do not owe me anything. But rather I should cherish each and every moment that I am able to spend with each of them and be thankful that I do have them in my life.

And I am thankful. My heart is filled with appreciation and joy for each and everyone of them. Both present and past. I do my best to convey that message with them to the best of my abilities. Sometimes I hit the mark, other times I do not. And even though I may miss, I have to have faith that they somehow know.

We place a lot of trust in people. And that really should count for something. It definitely tells you that there is this level of trust and faith that others have IN YOU, and you should never take advantage of that. Because once that trust and faith is gone? Chances are, either you’ll have a very difficult time earning it back or you will never get it back at all.

I am thankful for the expression of emotions and feelings through song lyrics. I am very passionate about music in my own way. And through this recent experience, I am so thankful that I actually did remind myself of what I have today, because God knows that I’ve done nothing to deserve it!

Social Hierarchy

“Everyone is your best friend when you are successful. Make sure that the people that you surround yourself with are also the people that you are not afraid of failing with.”~ Paula Abdul

Welcome to my 201st blog post on WordPress. Wow! In less than one year’s time I have written that many. Either I have had a lot to say or I’m pretty bored with myself. So then let’s talk about friends.

 

I’ve noticed a lot that many people talk about their best friends. Some say that they are married to their best friend, or dating their best friend. Others say that they’ve done this or that with their best friend and so on. And that’s pretty awesome if you have a relationship with another person that you feel that comfortable with them that you are married to them or simply that you are spending a lot of your social interactions with that person.

 

And so I must mention the construct of the label of our relationships. It brought me to do a little digging on how this hierarchy works. After some personal discussion, I thought it might be a worthy effort.

 

Many will say, “They are my BFF”, when relating to one person. Others have broken it down to “best friends”, but they attach further distinction to them to the point that it all begins to sound like categories for the Academy Awards.

 

“Best female friend”

“Best male friend from high school”

“Best friend from that one time at that one party…”.

 

And on and on and on.

 

I began to wonder: Can a person actually have more than one “best friend”. The word ‘best’ alone implicates that the label in which it is attached to is the absolute favorite amongst all of the rest. They’ve won First Prize in the sea of friends and other social interactions. They are the top of the mountain, but is there really room for more than just one?

 

Even I have used the term “best friend” to describe more than one person. I’ve never broke them down into categories, but they are my “best friend”. And I’ve had my own reasons for doing so. Plus it is how I am expressive.

 

So off I went to find out all about it. This is what I found out:

 

 

 

 

There is definitely a structured hierarchy here. It does exist, and it was something that I wasn’t fully aware of until I researched it.

 

The Hierarchy of Relationships basically breaks down all of the relationships in your life into five categories: cabinet, peers, friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Then the circle is divided in half. The Hierarchy of Relationships can be applied to both personal and professional relationships.

How the Hierarchy of Relationships works

Cabinet

This group comprises the closest, most trusted people in your life. These are the people in your life that you can count on for anything at any time. You would move heaven and earth for these people and it’s fair to expect the same of them.

Peers

These people are those that you love and respect, and they love and respect you. You’re open and honest with each other, and they’ll empathize with you.

Friends

Your friends are the group of people that you spend time with, go out with on the weekends, maybe invite over for dinner now and then. Perhaps you’ve known them for a long time or maybe you’ve just recently met. They’re not as close as your cabinet or peers and you probably wouldn’t ask them to go out of their way for you.

Acquaintances

These are the people you meet through work, networking events, at your kids’ sporting events, or through other social networks. You see them occasionally and when you do the conversation is polite.

Strangers

This group includes all of the people you haven’t met yet. Pretty straight forward.

How to use the Hierarchy of Relationships

Sit down and make a list out of your “Must have/do” and “Must never” lists for each category of our Hierarchy. It was helpful to sit down and really think about what I expect from every person in my life, however I know them. It’s also useful to apply the Hierarchy of Relationships to professional relationships. Part of being satisfied at work is know what your values are and what you won’t put up with from coworkers, clients, and employers.

It’s interesting to dive into this exercise. Sometimes we put people into certain groups, even though the relationship has changed over time. You might think a best friend from high school would be a cabinet – but after looking at your needs and requirements, they could turn out to be a friend or acquaintance. This was something that totally captured my attention and at this point, I kept digging.

Similarly, we might expect at first glance that our family is in our cabinet. That might be true for some but Maybe some family members belong in the acquaintances. It’s not a bad thing; people change as life progresses. By understanding what kind of expectations you have of the people in your life and then let them know.

Explain this tool to them. Tell them what they mean to you. Chances are good that it will only increase the depth of the relationships you already have.

So it is because of this, I believe that the label of “BFF’ is a bit flawed. Simply because that particular person that is in our cabinet now, might not be there in the long run of the future. The “BFF” label indicates no end to the relationship.

I know what you are thinking. Nobody wants to think of a friendship coming to an end. I sure don’t want to think about the termination of any relationship that I have any one at the current time either. But we don’t know what the future holds. That’s all I am saying when I say that its flawed. So put down the pitchforks and the torches.

It is fascinating for me to go through this example and realize that perhaps those people that I thought were the closest of all buddies, probably don’t even fit inside the cabinet as I thought (or would like to think.)

This is by no means an excercise of how to get rid of those people who aren’t in your cabinet or whom you suddenly start to believe that the person isn’t a friend at all. Just because they aren’t in your cabinet doesn’t mean that the relationship is worthless.

But people will come and go and slip in and out of the circle some how. Its all depending on your own personal needs at that particular time. I’ve personally gone through times when someone that I call a “best friend” wasn’t around during some days, but then after that they came back. The road we take with people doesn’t always mean that we are both going to go the same direction. Some will slide away but eventually they come back.

Just because that person wasn’t around for a certain amount of time did NOT mean that they were no longer in that friendship with me. Not at all.

On the other hand. I did read about how it can be dangerous to label our relationships. But I think that I will leave that for another blog post in the future as it was far deeper than just trying to develop this social structure.

So personally, I won’t be using the “BFF”. But then again, I am not going to turn my nose at people who do. It is all a matter of a person’s needs and whether or not they use the acronym, is a matter of preference and personal expression.

A great big thank you for those who gave encouragement in diving into this topic.

 

 

 

 

Acceptance through merit, not association

If this post doesn’t cause any kind of reaction out of you by the time you finish reading it, then its time for the family to pull your plug.

There’s a lot of garbage out there in this world, and a huge majority of it resides on the Internet. True, we all come from different cultures, faiths, beliefs, and morals- but the fact remains that there are some really creepy bastards out there!

I’m talking about Facebook, of course. The continually evolving social networking website. We all have it, we all take part in it, and we all use it for one reason or another.

Personally though, I have been receiving a lot of “Friend Requests” lately. Quite honestly, all of them have been denied. I find it rather strange and still at the same time amusing that even though I have “35 friends mutually in common” and “12 interests in common” with the person who has sent the request, that I don’t know the person at all!

Who are you people? And what is it that you want? I have noticed that when I have sent my own various friend requests, that there is a space to write a note. I commonly do so now, so that the person to which I am sending the request understands who I am and why I am asking for the request. Not just letting it go on its own that I have half the neighborhood in common with them.

I’m not saying that I am totally innocent of this, but what I am saying is that I no longer leave an empty request. That person is going to know why I am sending a request, and can also factor in the mutuality in their decision as to whether or not they accept it.

There are a lot of low-life punks out there. You take a risk in adding someone that you do not know from Adam.

Generally, our Friends List is generated by several key groups of people:

Family & Relatives

Close Friends

Neighbors

Co-workers

and other Colleagues

Outside of that, the rest of the List is made up of people whom we have similar interests with.

There’s nothing wrong with making new friends. Not in my book! I enjoy getting to know other people and learning about what their lives are like. Especially if there is something that connects us in mutuality. Some people though, are just not that social. And they choose not to have fourty-thousand people on their Friends List, just because someone sent them a request. Some do it, because by them socializing with others that they are able to maintain a business relationship and possibly profit from it. I understand that as well.

But when I receive a friend request from some person, who mutually likes “brown hair and blue eyes”, and has 24 people mutually in common and those 24 people have brown hair and blue eyes and nothing else to offer? There’s a big freakin’ problem!!

These are the people that society needs to take notes about. Basically, all they want to do is have you add them to your Friends List, and then they are able to go rummaging through your photos and then sift through your own list of Friends and try to add them, so that they have MORE photos to go through and save to their own hard drives of people with “brown hair and blue eyes”. Quite selfish! And I will add- dangerous.

I’m not going to add this person because I associate with 24 mutual people.

I have said to people time and time again, that these are the kinds of people that make it so difficult for me to obtain and establish any kind of social interaction or relationship with others. These “trolls” are offending people to the extreme and they usually get away with it. So then those who have been burned have their guard up and so when I come along, I’m met with resistance and I have to deal with someone not being so open to the thought of establishing and maintaning a relationship with them.

Sadly, it is usually the males who are acting with rot against females. And so when I am trying to either maintain or establish, I fail because some jerk abused them in some way.

I believe that in time, those who are at least going to entertain the thought, will eventually see that I am showing my worth having around as a friend or colleague and therefore the merit will be the saving factor. If not, I’m deleted/blocked and I never hear from them again. And honestly? Its their loss, not mine.

I have been deleted/blocked before. Many times! It sucks too. But there’s nothing much I can do about it. They’ve obviously were not seeing anything worth redeeming. Again, their loss!

I’m not trying to be the super hero here. I couldn’t be one, even if I tried or wanted to. Its not up to me to try and save someone from whom I think has nothing but personal and selfish plans. Its up to them to make their own choice, whether or not I warn them. And if I do, its up to them whether or not they actually heed to my words.

The male/female relationship is difficult enough as it is. Especially those male/female relationships that are just there platonically. It just doesn’t help to have people making things far worse than they already are.

So its something to really consider, I think. Last summer, I actually removed and deleted nearly two hundred people from my own Friends List. A majority of them were there through association. They were removed because either they did not associate with me, or they were not able to communicate in a common language and just sat there, looking pretty. I realized “I don’t need this!”. So if they had not had any kind of true personal bond, or had communicated with me in the past three months at that point, they were gone.

Everybody is on Facebook for their own reason. They just make their own choices in how much they decide to use what is available to them. I just hope that they use a greater judgement when they decide to seek out people to add to their Friends List. And use a greater restraint for those times when others are out seeking them.

Be safe, people.