Posts Tagged ‘funny’

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“Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.”~ Gilbert K. Chesterton
 

Yep, you are reading this right. IT STILL WORKS.
This is a t-shirt that I had custom made recently this year. And it serves well for many purposes. But its legacy has taken off.
First, an explanation as to why it exists.
As an adult with a disability, I can safely say that I have had a lot of people come up to me and ask a lot of questions. Some innocently out of their own ignorance. But A LOT of personal questions that are downright stupid.
With children, the most popular question I get is: What happened to your legs?

Innocent enough. I answer the best that I can. Or I just tell them “That’s how I was born.”

With adults, the most popular question I get (outside of “What happened?”) would be something like:

Can you still do it? Does your dick work? Can you have sex? Can you feel “down there?”

Anything like that.

Trust me, it is really annoying. Especially since it is none of their business. Considering that a vast majority of the people asking, I will never see again in my lifetime.

So I decided to answer the question once and for all.

Honestly, I have not had a single person come up to me asking that kind of question ever since I wore the shirt out in public the first couple of times. Of course there have been some people who have seen it and read it, thinking with dirty minds. It was something that I anticipated to happen. And I just deal with the laughter and snickering that people think that I cannot hear behind my back.

Now let me tell what has happened since I started wearing the shirt in public.

As expected, I have a lot of people tell me that they like the shirt, as they sit there and laugh real hard until they can no longer breathe.

A few times I have had people come up to me, asking to take a photograph of it. In which I do not have a problem with.

I went out last night to watch the band AUTUMN STAY play a show at the Dirty Dog Bar wearing the shirt. And the legacy took off with a whole new chapter.

Before the show even got started, two people who said that they loved the shirt buy me drinks. One of which happened to be the touring band that was in town. The other an employee of a different bar next door.

It didn’t stop the entire night. Drink after drink after drink after drink. Included with so many people asking to take photos. And of course…. I never really know where those photos end up. 19221669_10154696784091453_5194340704344925977_o

As the night continued, more and more drinks and more and more photos. I didn’t have to spend ANY money on refreshments last night. And it was very very HOT, now that it is June in Texas. I think the temperature reached 100°F for the first time in 2017. Hydration was very important last night.

I had several people passing by continually expressing to me that they liked the shirt up and down Sixth Street. And a few women came up to me asking what it meant. As if that was not obvious enough. And other women were either brave enough or drunk enough to end up kissing me!!!

To this day, I have not had anyone challenge me to find out whether or not I am lying. I mean of course it works. If I cannot go through the process of urination, I am in trouble!!!! But yes I know what this hints at. And its supposed to. It has more than one function, perverts.

Before there was a time when someone would ask me if it works, I would answer “There’s only one way to find out!” but nobody ever followed through on that. And that is probably a blessing in disguise.

The only problem that I can see wearing the shirt is that some story randomly finds my family. But they already know about it. I told my parents, and all I got back in response was a chuckle. Especially from my father. So really, I am good.

Stay tuned for more adventures of It Still Works as it travels into the world.

get-the-girls-on-bus

Dear German Speaking Woman who was on the bus over the weekend:

I have to say that the moment that I spotted you that you were quite attractive. But I didn’t really want to say anything to you because … who wants to be approached like that while sitting on a city bus?

And perhaps I was surprised by you as you were by me. But nobody can say for sure. I was not expecting you to answer your cell phone in German.

And I’m pretty damned sure that you were not expecting me to talk to you in response in German. If at all.

I honestly did not mean to startle you, if I am going to be honest. But I do speak over fifteen languages. None of which are really fluent.

I hope that you weren’t cold while riding the bus because I did see you shiver a little bit when I spoke. I’m sorry that I did not have a coat or jacket to cover you with, if you were cold.

How’s your right ankle by the way? I saw you twist it like a mofo when you rang for the bell to get the bus to stop and attempt to exit off of the bus. That really did look like it hurt.

By the way, you may want to check with your physician about other problems as well. Perhaps you could get answers as to why you became so incontinent when you stood up to run off the bus like that. You left quite the trail behind you, and the seat you were upon, it looked like a grease stain inside of an auto garage.

Any ways, I hope you are doing well and I hope to see you again soon. Perhaps I’ll try again…. this next time in English.

Auf weidersehen.

sugar-dispenser

“I love to eat – Kit Kats or cookies-and-cream ice cream. I need sugar like five times a day.”~ Kim Kardashian

First off, Happy Birthday to that ultra special someone!!

One simply does not just talk to me in the morning. It does not happen. Nor will it ever happen. There are people here that have learned that the hard way. There are still others who don’t get it or don’t want to. So when the silent treatment is given, its not to punish, its to protect.

I just fly off the handle too quickly if I am not 100% awake yet.

Enter: Coffee consumption.

This morning though was a tragic error which actually has some comedy to it. So I am writing about it for YOUR ENTERTAINMENT this morning while its still fresh on my mind. As well as in my system.

Let me explain.

I rolled on in, as I do most Monday through Friday mornings and grabbed a coffee cup and poured myself a cup. As I began to add creamer and sugar, I realized that nothing was coming out of the sugar dispenser. Meanwhile saying nothing to anyone and ignoring anyone who was trying to talk to me.

I grabbed the sugar dispenser. I shook it. Nothing came out. I rattled it harder, still nothing came out.

I pounded on the bottom. Nothing!!

So I unscrewed the lid — see where this is going??

I gently gave it a shake and noticed that it seemed like a massive GLOB of sugar that was practically a solid. I carefully tipped it over the top of my coffee cup and gave it a shake.

Measuring solely by the absence of sugar from inside the dispenser, a mass of sugar about four inches from the dispenser fell out of its container and into my coffee cup. It didn’t make a splash or a mess. All of it vanished within the molecular composition of the caffeinated liquid.

I was in trouble.

I grabbed for a spoon to stir it all in. I wasn’t going to waste the coffee. Not with these people watching. If they would see me throwing out the over-sugared coffee they would have had something to say about it…………. for the rest of the day!!

I said nothing and acted like nothing happened. But the spoon that I was stirring wasn’t doing anything. Apparently all of that sugar was already dissolved inside of the coffee.

I guess I won’t need to get the donuts today. The coffee had enough sugar for a month’s worth of Friday morning donuts.

So I feel sorry for anyone that makes contact with me for the next several hours. As well as do I apologize.

This (for others) will probably be a Friday that most will never forget.

I’m not looking forward to the “CRASH” to come later…………….

God Save Us All!!!

 

music-concert-metal-horns-hand-signs-1440x900“If heavy metal bands ruled the world, we’d be a lot better off.”~ Bruce Dickinson

Saw this video on YouTube. I know that it was uploaded a while ago in 2011. But I am still going to address this. Because I laughed my butt off at this and its bound to make metal fans unite against this kind of ignorance and intolerance and juvenile behavior.

I must admit that it appears the person who made this video is probably under the age of twelve. Definitely not a high school student at all.

So I’m not going to just go ghetto on this girl, but I am going to respond. I just have to because of the amount of laughs it brought to me over her OPINION of heavy metal music.

Let me repeat….. this is only her opinion and has no concrete evidence or connection to what she is saying. She does not provide any references to back up what is being said either.

So let’s sit back and watch this brief “heavy metal PSA” together and allow me a few moments of commentary because this video is so bad… TOO much so that it shouldn’t just be let go. Its only 109 seconds long. Less than two full minutes.

Let’s begin.

0:09 – “Heavy metal is evil and bad. It is the music of the devil.” No. Not all of it. There is some types of heavy metal music that harps on the topic of Satanism and the devil. But not ALL of it. 

0:19 – “People who listen to it are evil bad people. All they do is think about death and the devil.” Actually not really. I’m sitting here thinking about different things. What to eat later. How to make it to certain events coming up soon. Girls. Sex. But none of it has anything to do with death OR the devil. So, sorry, you’re totally wrong because not “all they do is” think about death and the devil.

0:24 – “The music is bad too. All it is is fat people screaming and yelling about the devil…” The music being bad is a simple matter of personal opinion. However, I do not know of any one person who sings or who is involved in heavy metal music to be fat. I can think of several kinds of people who are in heavy metal… both local and internationally well known. NONE of them are fat. What’s your definition of fat though? Nobody that I know is overweight. But if the music is bad- that’s a personal opinion. 

0:31 – “Metalheads are ugly too. Real people who like rap and pop are soooooo more awesome than people who like that evil stuff.” First of all, your grammar officially SUCKS. Secondly, you are beginning to show a lot about yourself with this video. You are obviously more interesting in rap and pop music and therefore will not even entertain the idea of branching out and listening to other genres of music, such as heavy metal, because you have it wrapped tightly around your brain that it IS evil. When the majority factor of heavy metal is not evil. I’m going to go ahead and assume right here and now that you were taught this by a religion organization. Perhaps a youth ministry or a church. And they didn’t say anything about your precious pop and rap music, so since your religious leaders said that heavy metal is evil and nothing but the devil….. therefore pop and rap is awesome and heavy metal is not. Again, that is a personal opinion of yours. And what the heck is your problem???? “Metalheads are ugly too.” Have you fallen and struck your head recently? Ugly is within the eye of the beholder, but there are some ugly people in rap and pop as well. Ugly people are everywhere!! Not just in heavy metal. Get a grip, go outside and observe. But what really bothers me at this point is your shitty grammar. You MUST be a young one to not have caught on to your own grammar mistakes. You didn’t go back and proofread a thing!!! 

0:45 – Now you have an audio comparison. I do not understand what’s going on with the heavy metal song that you have selected. I simply do not recognize it. 

0:49 – “If you want REAL music listen to Eminem or Mac Miller. They talk about real life, and are soooooooo hot and talented.” So everything on the planet that is NOT Eminem and/or Mac Miller’s music…. is not music at all? This is what you are implying. Granted you’re still on your kick to diss heavy metal. But in this statement you outdid yourself and pretty much insinuated that ALL MUSIC IS NOT MUSIC, unless it is Eminem and/or Mac Miller. As far as them being “sooooo hot and talented” that again is YOUR opinion. So this video pretty much is one big soapbox of your opinion on music and what YOU think is good and what YOU think is evil. You simply do not know what heavy metal talks about in their lyrics and songs. You’ve made that abundantly clear without having to say a word. How ignorant can you get?? And we’ve still got another minute to go of this heavily opinionated stuff.  “Hot and talented” you say– clearly these are your favorite music artists and they honestly have no business being the exaAnd in addition…… once more, your grammar is horrible!! Why didn’t you fix it when you had a chance?

1:01 – Again is the audio comparison. This is not the heavy metal portion, that was first. Now you have chosen to place Mac Miller’s music to compare to the heavy metal portion that you had before. (I had to look it up to find out who it was first off. You obviously have a thing for Mac Miller’s music because you’ve brought up the fact that Mac Miller’s music is the only thing that is music and nothing else is music.) But still with this portion of the comparison, I cannot understand the words going on here!!! So at 0:24 you said that it was just yelling and screaming. Well this sounds like a bunch of garbled nonsense! What’s the difference if you are screaming and yelling or if you are mumbling and rambling with nonsense? Not to mention that the moment at 1:10 shows someone consuming food, virtually stealing from their job. NICE touch!!!! So stealing is much better than yelling and screaming. Got it.

1:24- “So now that ppl know that metal sucks, everyone should listen to real music, like rap, pop, and techno. Stuff that isn’t yelling or screaming!” Have you heard some of stuff in rap, pop, and techno as of lately???? Some of the time they ARE yelling and screaming. Not all of it…. but there are some examples of it where they are screaming. Plus the lyrics of rap and pop… really? You wanna keep going with this??? And what is this? “ppl”… this isn’t a text message. Learn to spell.

1:32- “They play instruments which take no talent. Real talent is rapping and dancing, not playing guitar, unless your Justin Bieber, he plays guitar so good!!!” Okay you must be REALLY REALLY REALLY young. Yes it takes talent to rap and rap well. Yes it takes a bit of talent to dance. But it also takes “real talent” to play ANY INSTRUMENT!!!! I mean ALL OF THEM!!!!! You dare to champion Justin Bieber against people who have been in the music industry almost twice as long as Bieber has been alive!! Bieber may be very popular and famous.. but he’s still a nobody. He is a shining star that is fading. And damnit already with your grammar!!!!!! You are a really good candidate for being someone grounded from being on the Internet. 

1:39- “Jesus doesn’t like metal. Jesus < 3 ‘s rap and pop.” I sure would really love for you to tell me how you KNOW what Jesus likes and what Jesus loves, as far as music is concerned. Please tell me how you know for a fact that Jesus doesn’t like metal and loves rap and pop????? With a statement like that, I am almost assured that you were TOLD by someone else (probably by the church) that metal is bad, evil, and of the devil. They told you this so that you don’t listen to it. And even though you did not say this in your video, I would not be surprised if they told you that if you listen to heavy metal, you are going to hell. Didn’t they???

So thank you very much for this video. I laughed so hard!! I guess I’m evil. I guess I am the devil too!!! According to your own words printed in this video…. I needed the laugh. I really did. And you also come across to prove my point that stupid people shouldn’t breed.

red-velvet-bundt-cake-andee-photography“All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.”~ George Harrison

The Blog Train rolls. Next stop: A little bit of humor before hitting the town of serious and confusion.

A few weeks ago, I went to the grocery store with many of my neighbors and was rolling around in the bakery.

Side story: If you know me, you know that I LOVE red velvet cake. I go crazy for it.

I even was going to have a red velvet groom’s cake way back when.

So as I was meandering, I saw red velvet cakes on display.

However, they were only bundt cakes. And not the full sized  cakes that I was used to seeing. I WANTED the full sized cake. I didn’t want a bundt cake.

The other thing that I noticed about it was the fact that there was only frosting on the top and nothing on the sides of the cake.

I sat there in awe of the missing frosting. I kept wondering what was going on. And why the heck would I pay almost $8.00 for this freakin’ thing when there’s only cake on the top??

Maybe that’s how bundt cakes work. I don’t know. I just know that I wasn’t happy with being ripped off of that creamy and sugary deliciousness.

As I began to fall into a daze, a bakery employee came up to me and asked if I needed any assistance.

I picked up the cake and asked them to double check the price. And they said that it was the real price.

I snarled to myself. What a robbery!!! And you haven’t even finished with the frosting!!!! redvelvet

I curled up to them nice and close and pointed to the empty center of the cake as is a bundt.

I asked them, “Where is the rest of the cake?” and what happened next was truly amazing.

Yes, I was being sarcastic but I was also being sincere at the same time as I wanted MORE cake.

They were confused. Until I made a nuisance of myself at poking at the cover of the cake at the center, telling them that the center of the cake was missing and the frosting was missing as well. Let me tell you that they were none too happy about the question and they couldn’t believe that I was being that serious about it.

I told them that I just couldn’t see myself paying that much for a cake that had a hole in it, because they baked it that way on purpose.

I was told to leave the bakery section of the grocery store and never to return. They were so upset about my question that they felt it to be a huge waste of time.

I mentioned this fact when it happened on Facebook. All I got was a bunch of perverted queries about baguettes. Shame on you all!!!

I do not think that I am asking for too much. Just put frosting all over the cake. NOT just the top. I don’t care if it is bundt or not. Spread that stuff, baby!!!!! Be a good Samaritan to those who want to purchase your delicious bakery items and give them their worth of money if you are going to insist on being a rapist of wallets and purses and bank accounts.

Give what the customer wants!! Hell, I had time. You probably could have baked a fresh cake and drowned it all in frosting. But no… you got offended.

Sad.

Okay readers, really quick… I saw this on Facebook.

I laughed, I cried, I got envious because we ALL could make a lot of money if we were so creative. I think that next time I WILL attempt to do something like this and see how far I can make it go.

And for those of you who are wondering, yes I DID buy a t-shirt.

http://teepspring.com/FUCKTODDANDJESSICA

jodiambrose1

“When we look into the fires, we can either break open in song or we can go blind from the heat.”

It is the 5th of June which only means one thing:

Time to come into the blog and adulate the living crap out of author Jodi Ambrose in celebration of her birthday and in the process piss off everyone else who reads this who doesn’t know or understand what the big deal is.

But the friendship with Jodi Ambrose is in fact a really big deal for me. So much that I would break concrete buildings with my own face if she was trapped inside while it was on fire.

Tell me, who has that kind of creepy dedication???

Yep. I do.

Whatcha gonna do about it? Ya wanna fight? Put em up then!!!

I didn’t think so ………..

With all seriousness definitely put aside, being a part of the Ambrose Nut Society (or ANuS) has been a thrill and a joy to say in the very least. The jury is still out for what the “u” stands for.

So here we are with another birthday for Jodi Ambrose. Life must be tough to be on age repeated at 22.

A few more years from now though, when she gets older… I will be able to date her! Woohoo!!! SONY DSC

Wait! What? She’s married?? Damn.

OH well. What could have been, could have been. Tee hee!!

But here’s to the woman who means a lot to me… personally, professionally, and everything in between. She’s been probably THE MODEL FRIEND that I could have ever asked for and more.

Her links can be found in the BlogRoll.

Happy Birthday, Jodi! With much love I celebrate your special day.

And we’ll see you and everyone else here in this blog next year.