Posts Tagged ‘funny’

angels_are_not_redheads_by_pathyelisia-d51vugf“I’ve put up with more humiliation than I care to remember.”~ B.B. King

I am going to tell you this story before I start digging a hole in the ground to hide in for the next week or so.

Life is filled with joy and it is filled with lots of humiliation.

This is a story of the latter.

This morning, I was hunting for some change. And finally I pinned down the apartment manager only to find out that he had no change. In total frustration, I started to spew. And the apartment manager started to spew back.

And then I heard and saw someone walk out the front door away from the office doors. I was curious because I thought I saw someone leaving that I had not seen in probably well over a year, possibly two by now.

I asked the apartment manager if I just saw who I thought I saw and his answer was “Probably.”

I tore out of his office like a lightning bolt, hoping that the person I was chasing was in no hurry to get into their vehicle and leave.

When I got outside, I saw her by the gates and I waited for a second before whistling at her.

And yeah I know, someone’s going to have a problem with that. But this is someone I’ve known for years and years and years and I know that once she saw that it was me that was whistling, she’d just giggle it off.

But whistled LOUD and PROUD. I was definitely making a bold statement to get her attention.

Then I waited for her to turn around and look in my direction.

IT WAS THE WRONG WOMAN!!!!!! 

Ohhh, what have I done? What have I done? The wave of shock and humiliation warmed over me like a cloud of death.

The strange woman looked in my direction and then proceeded on her way. She did nothing, she said nothing. And that was the end of it as I scrambled to turn around and go back inside of the office building.

She could have yelled and screamed and chewed me out. And I would have deserved every last bit of it, but she went away.

And now I sit here and think of all the different times I saw someone with long hair flowing down their back, only to find out that it was man. And that has happened more times than I want to admit.

Similar situation here.

I know that I am not the only one that has gone through this, but it is still humiliating nonetheless.

My Monday is starting out to be embarrassing. How’s your Monday????

 

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“More people will come if they think we’ll have punch and pie!” ~ South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut (1999)

I am going to share with you a tale of humor and humility.

I suppose that I would have to admit that with my love for live music, I’ve been kind of a super troll lately towards local bands whenever they are promoting/announcing an upcoming show.

They are only doing what they can in order to get people into the venues. It’s their job. I know that. But whenever I see something like that, I always ask if there will be “punch and pie”.

This past weekend I went out to see several bands play live. One of which was “Skunkfest 2018”. Ten glorious rocking bands at one venue. One of those bands is “Inch of Dark”.

In the days leading up to the event, the band would just promote, promote, promote all over social media. And I kept messing with them about having “punch and pie”.

Well, I think the promotions worked because there were so many people there. It was so hot outside in the Texas summer heat that I wanted to go back inside, but there were so many bodies inside that it drove me almost crazy.

I had received a message several hours from one of the band members of Inch of Dark, and they said that they had a surprise for me when I showed up. punch

Inch of Dark wasn’t playing. They called me out to the max!

As I arrived at “Skunkfest 2018” I saw so many people that I knew that it was hard to say hello to all of them.

Then I saw members of Inch of Dark and they began to laugh and said “Wait here!”

They LITERALLY bought a pie and a bottle of Hawaiian Punch!! And they had saved me some. (I do wonder what happened to the rest of it.)

I was busted….

I was grateful for the surprise, even if it was a joke.

Inch of Dark is a bunch of great guys.  And I think even greater music. But I warn you, don’t mess with them because they will mess with you right back!!

I look forward to seeing them play live once more.

Check them out:

Inch Of Dark

 

 

 

 

how-to-fill-out-a-money-order“Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.”~ Kinky Friedman

Welcome to April!

And for those of you who are keeping track: 25% of the year has now gone by.

As it is for so many of us, this week is rent week. A week that we all feel so much good fuzzy feelings for! Am I right? No?!?? Oh well. It can be a chore and a hassle but we do it because we want to keep having a place to live.

This morning as I was going to grab my coffee, I remembered that I needed to grab the money order that I had for my own rent.

Well, April in Texas is also stormy season. A cold front blew in so it was a bit chilly outside. Very windy too!

I picked up the money order and headed back outside. But the wind nearly pulled the money order out of my hand. I do have pockets, but they aren’t that deep and I didn’t feel secure enough with all this wind that it would stay in there. I did the next best thing that I could think of.

I stuck the money order in between my teeth and bit down and proceeded to move forward.

The moment I turned the corner at top speed and was facing a northern direction, that crazy wind got in the way.

As I was accelerating in speed because I was going down a hill, the wind got stronger and flipped that flimsy piece of paper upwards and back into my face. The width of the paper and its placement between my teeth literally caused a blind spot.

Before I knew it, the wheelchair had turned off of the sidewalk and I went tumbling down the rest of the hill, head over heels, over and over and over again. The money order never coming out of my mouth.

It took quite a while for the empty wheelchair to catch up to me. And I climbed back in. All the while gritting down on the money order so it would not fly away in the wind.

I am fine though. I didn’t seriously hurt myself. I wasn’t bleeding or anything like that. I had the sense to roll with the roll so to speak.

But I have always said that rent was going to kill me one day. It came a little bit closer today than before!!!

Everyone enjoy a laugh from the story. Happy April to everyone!!!!!!!

image-20160324-17851-1yv9q70“If you want to see the sunshine, you have to weather the storm.”~ Frank Lane

I am greatly considering either writing a book, or starting a brand new blog when it comes to the great people and experiences here at the SGC.

Allow me to present to you the events over the past 24 hours.

It is late March. Tis the season. Texas went through a lot of rain overnight and into this morning and early afternoon. However the insanity started to break when our beloved meteorologists were warning that “storms could be severe.”

Texas translation? MILK AND BREAD! MILK AND BREAD!! AND BATTERIES!!!

The corner gas station was completely wiped out of the items.

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On this day in 2014. Just saying Texas likes to be stormy on this day.

So it rained and rained. There was thunder. There was lightning. And there was a promising look of local flooding. But it all subsided. In the end, store owners got richer and the area got some much needed rain to help with the drought.

When the sun came up this morning and it was time to get that all important cup of coffee, I suddenly realizing that I had walked into a room full of outspoken and loud obscenities.

F bombs were flying!! “Fuck this and fuck that. Fucking fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” And when you are trying to wake up and having a hard time making sense of the day, being bombarded with profanities isn’t the best way of going at it.

It would have been easier to handle, if there was a point to it. But the guy just couldn’t stop swearing. He was just rambling on about various things. And then he finally stood up and left.

The neighbors have labelled him as “the insane one.” From people who know him however, apparently he is highly intelligent. So there you have it.

The chaos train had started rolling at full speed.

Today was our special Easter dinner event. It was a catered event from a seafood restaurant and only a few select people could attend. There was a sign up sheet that the residents had to sign in order to be able to take part. If you were not the list, you were not offered any food. Easy enough to understand.

There was supposed to an Easter egg hunt, but due to the fact that at 11:30 AM looked like 10:00 PM and the rain was pouring down, that was cancelled.

In an effort to avoid bodies bumping into everything while trying to get in line to get food, they decided to go to the sign up sheet and call people’s name one at a time. Your name was called and you got your food. Once you were handed your food and you walked away, the next person was called.

It was a process that I felt worked out very well.

And the guy who had the potty mouth this morning?

His name was not called. His name was not written on the sign up sheet that the social worker had in her hands. And so, without his name being on the list, he was refused being served food.

GUESS WHAT HAPPENED NEXT???

Round Two. Screaming and wailing. Minus the profanity for whatever reason.

Our resident who had coordinated the event with staff was trying to talk to him to tell him that she had his name on the list and that he can go ahead and get something to eat. But in his blinding rage, he did not hear her. And so instead of having that saving grace that he was in fact included on the list, he stormed his way out of the building and into the pouring rain with bitterness in his heart. Even though the coordinating resident was trying to get in a word over the shouting. She simply was overpowered.

Apparently what unfortunately had happened was that the resident attempted to e-mail the social worker last night to add him to the list. But the social worker never received the e-mail.

He was gone before the resident could resolve the problem.

Being that I was sitting at the same table as the coordinator, I heard the conversation between her and the social worker when they both realized what the problem was. And there was not anything they could do about it because technology had failed.

I can believe it as I was without Internet for several hours last night. So the e-mail probably was never sent.

Food however WAS set aside to be given to him after the fact. I do not know what happened when they went to deliver it to him at his home.

The other residents began their buzzing. One guy even came up to the coordinator and decided that he was going to put the full blame upon the shoulders of the social worker. He stated that the social worker handled it extremely poorly and it should have never went down the way that it did. And there were others that were just as willing to chastise and point fingers.

I realized at that moment that the craziness of living here would NEVER go away!! I understand that there are over 60 people who call this place home, and that means there’s probably going to be over 60 different opinions.

The fighting and the minutiae will forever be present here at SGC. And that’s why I wonder if I should start writing more and more about the events that go on here because it has to be wildly entertaining for some of you!!!

And finally to bring this tale to an end, the social worker decided that she was going to just hand out plastic Easter eggs to those who were in attendance because there would be no Easter egg hunt.

Inside of each egg were treats. Basically bite size pieces of chocolate and quarters. I stopped in the social worker’s office to say “good morning” to her early last week when she was putting them together.

Each person got several eggs. Most of which contained one piece of candy and one quarter. I believe the intention was to give out enough eggs that there would be enough money to use for the laundry machines. At least to wash your laundry. boot

I sat there at the table and I was making jokes about the social worker looking like the Easter bunny. But it went terribly, terribly wrong!!

It was probably the biggest faux pas I had made in over a year.

Instead of saying “She looks like the Easter bunny handing out treats.” I said, “She looks like the Playboy bunny handing out treats.”

It was met with dead silence until I realized the error and quickly corrected myself for it.

I swear I thought I was next to be crucified for it.

After I survived that scare, the social worker came back around a few minutes later asking for the emptied plastic eggs. They wanted to be able to keep them and use them in years to come.

A majority of the eggs contained Hershey’s Kisses. Not all, but most of them. hershey-easter-kisses-700_0

In a moment of quick thinking, when the social worker came around to collect the eggs from our table I said, “Thank you for the kisses!!”

The social worker busted out laughing so hard that she bent in half. And in the next moment the entire building was laughing as hard as they could.

I probably saved myself from certain social and personal destruction after the “bunny” comment.

I am not sure what “holiday” will be served up next here. If I had to guess, it could be Memorial Day or Independence Day.

And as always…. stay tuned!!!

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“Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.”~ Gilbert K. Chesterton
 

Yep, you are reading this right. IT STILL WORKS.
This is a t-shirt that I had custom made recently this year. And it serves well for many purposes. But its legacy has taken off.
First, an explanation as to why it exists.
As an adult with a disability, I can safely say that I have had a lot of people come up to me and ask a lot of questions. Some innocently out of their own ignorance. But A LOT of personal questions that are downright stupid.
With children, the most popular question I get is: What happened to your legs?

Innocent enough. I answer the best that I can. Or I just tell them “That’s how I was born.”

With adults, the most popular question I get (outside of “What happened?”) would be something like:

Can you still do it? Does your dick work? Can you have sex? Can you feel “down there?”

Anything like that.

Trust me, it is really annoying. Especially since it is none of their business. Considering that a vast majority of the people asking, I will never see again in my lifetime.

So I decided to answer the question once and for all.

Honestly, I have not had a single person come up to me asking that kind of question ever since I wore the shirt out in public the first couple of times. Of course there have been some people who have seen it and read it, thinking with dirty minds. It was something that I anticipated to happen. And I just deal with the laughter and snickering that people think that I cannot hear behind my back.

Now let me tell what has happened since I started wearing the shirt in public.

As expected, I have a lot of people tell me that they like the shirt, as they sit there and laugh real hard until they can no longer breathe.

A few times I have had people come up to me, asking to take a photograph of it. In which I do not have a problem with.

I went out last night to watch the band AUTUMN STAY play a show at the Dirty Dog Bar wearing the shirt. And the legacy took off with a whole new chapter.

Before the show even got started, two people who said that they loved the shirt buy me drinks. One of which happened to be the touring band that was in town. The other an employee of a different bar next door.

It didn’t stop the entire night. Drink after drink after drink after drink. Included with so many people asking to take photos. And of course…. I never really know where those photos end up. 19221669_10154696784091453_5194340704344925977_o

As the night continued, more and more drinks and more and more photos. I didn’t have to spend ANY money on refreshments last night. And it was very very HOT, now that it is June in Texas. I think the temperature reached 100°F for the first time in 2017. Hydration was very important last night.

I had several people passing by continually expressing to me that they liked the shirt up and down Sixth Street. And a few women came up to me asking what it meant. As if that was not obvious enough. And other women were either brave enough or drunk enough to end up kissing me!!!

To this day, I have not had anyone challenge me to find out whether or not I am lying. I mean of course it works. If I cannot go through the process of urination, I am in trouble!!!! But yes I know what this hints at. And its supposed to. It has more than one function, perverts.

Before there was a time when someone would ask me if it works, I would answer “There’s only one way to find out!” but nobody ever followed through on that. And that is probably a blessing in disguise.

The only problem that I can see wearing the shirt is that some story randomly finds my family. But they already know about it. I told my parents, and all I got back in response was a chuckle. Especially from my father. So really, I am good.

Stay tuned for more adventures of It Still Works as it travels into the world.

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Dear German Speaking Woman who was on the bus over the weekend:

I have to say that the moment that I spotted you that you were quite attractive. But I didn’t really want to say anything to you because … who wants to be approached like that while sitting on a city bus?

And perhaps I was surprised by you as you were by me. But nobody can say for sure. I was not expecting you to answer your cell phone in German.

And I’m pretty damned sure that you were not expecting me to talk to you in response in German. If at all.

I honestly did not mean to startle you, if I am going to be honest. But I do speak over fifteen languages. None of which are really fluent.

I hope that you weren’t cold while riding the bus because I did see you shiver a little bit when I spoke. I’m sorry that I did not have a coat or jacket to cover you with, if you were cold.

How’s your right ankle by the way? I saw you twist it like a mofo when you rang for the bell to get the bus to stop and attempt to exit off of the bus. That really did look like it hurt.

By the way, you may want to check with your physician about other problems as well. Perhaps you could get answers as to why you became so incontinent when you stood up to run off the bus like that. You left quite the trail behind you, and the seat you were upon, it looked like a grease stain inside of an auto garage.

Any ways, I hope you are doing well and I hope to see you again soon. Perhaps I’ll try again…. this next time in English.

Auf weidersehen.

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“I love to eat – Kit Kats or cookies-and-cream ice cream. I need sugar like five times a day.”~ Kim Kardashian

First off, Happy Birthday to that ultra special someone!!

One simply does not just talk to me in the morning. It does not happen. Nor will it ever happen. There are people here that have learned that the hard way. There are still others who don’t get it or don’t want to. So when the silent treatment is given, its not to punish, its to protect.

I just fly off the handle too quickly if I am not 100% awake yet.

Enter: Coffee consumption.

This morning though was a tragic error which actually has some comedy to it. So I am writing about it for YOUR ENTERTAINMENT this morning while its still fresh on my mind. As well as in my system.

Let me explain.

I rolled on in, as I do most Monday through Friday mornings and grabbed a coffee cup and poured myself a cup. As I began to add creamer and sugar, I realized that nothing was coming out of the sugar dispenser. Meanwhile saying nothing to anyone and ignoring anyone who was trying to talk to me.

I grabbed the sugar dispenser. I shook it. Nothing came out. I rattled it harder, still nothing came out.

I pounded on the bottom. Nothing!!

So I unscrewed the lid — see where this is going??

I gently gave it a shake and noticed that it seemed like a massive GLOB of sugar that was practically a solid. I carefully tipped it over the top of my coffee cup and gave it a shake.

Measuring solely by the absence of sugar from inside the dispenser, a mass of sugar about four inches from the dispenser fell out of its container and into my coffee cup. It didn’t make a splash or a mess. All of it vanished within the molecular composition of the caffeinated liquid.

I was in trouble.

I grabbed for a spoon to stir it all in. I wasn’t going to waste the coffee. Not with these people watching. If they would see me throwing out the over-sugared coffee they would have had something to say about it…………. for the rest of the day!!

I said nothing and acted like nothing happened. But the spoon that I was stirring wasn’t doing anything. Apparently all of that sugar was already dissolved inside of the coffee.

I guess I won’t need to get the donuts today. The coffee had enough sugar for a month’s worth of Friday morning donuts.

So I feel sorry for anyone that makes contact with me for the next several hours. As well as do I apologize.

This (for others) will probably be a Friday that most will never forget.

I’m not looking forward to the “CRASH” to come later…………….

God Save Us All!!!