The Dance Of The Hiccups

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”~Jonathan Swift

 

 

Well, dang.

 

Two weeks into this entire business of healing at home and I have absolutely no way of knowing whether or not I am healing or if my health is going in the right direction in order for my body to heal with wound left from surgery.

 

Some days, I’m doing fine. Other days I am not do so hot. It is a relentless dance of taking four steps forward, two steps back, then three steps forward, and another step back. This dance overall is annoying.

 

And then it struck me like a ton of dirt being dumped on my head.

 

Hockey.

'Reality Calling!'

 

So far I’ve not really “missed” anything important. Since the closure of two ice rinks and the beginning of fights over who will get ice time at the last remaining sheet of ice, let’s just say I’ve not practiced or played since last November. And so in that regard, I have not missed anything since my hospital visit and beyond.

 

However I know that there will be events coming soon. And with an open wound somewhere on my body, it really would not be an intelligent move on my part to strap myself down in a sled and go out there breakin’ heads and scoring goals from miraculous angles of awe and glory and just setting the scoreboard on fire.

 

Soon though, we will be on the ice. Performing our first exhibition in front of thousands of screaming, drunk hockey fans in about a month from now. We had done that before in front of almost a sell out crowd a few years ago. Doing it again last November in Houston in front of even thousands of more fans, was totally thrilling. So I want to do it again and experience that supportive roar of the crowd. And like I said, I have no way of knowing whether or not my wound is healing.

 

It is truly disappointing to think that I may have to sit out the rest of the season. It’s not over yet, as many people have thought. Our schedule will go on through the month of May.

 

But last season, I had such difficulties finding sufficient transportation to and from practices in January that by February I was out for what would be the rest of the season because I ended up with pneumonia.

 

Then when the pneumonia had passed, I had two opportunities to make practices. But then again, transportation issues.

 

That was then. But now… this.

 

And with the rumor of our team captain giving up sledge hockey, and wheelchair basketball because “he’s getting too old”, it would be a personal opportunity for me to step up for my team and go from co-assistant captain to team captain. Since a lot of my teammates seem to think I would be a better candidate for that anyway, it wouldn’t be such a move made in pride or snobbery. I think deep down that I AM their captain in their minds.

 

But I will not bend to rumor. Whether or not he stays or goes will have no bearing on whether or not I continue my participation with the team and the season and the seasons to come.

 

What I must do, is get BETTER. And FAST!!!!!!!!

 

In March, we’ll be doing our exhibition locally. In April, there’s a possibility of participating in a giant tournament in Dallas. Of which if we do participate, we will get our asses beat to a pulp. But we’ll have the experience under our belts. And then in May, back to Houston for another “Paralympic Experience” as we hosted here back in January.

 

It is breaking my heart into pieces to think that I might miss all of that. I could go looking for something or someone to blame, but I won’t because it is what it is and that’s the way it is.

 

But if nothing I think that my silver medal would be to actually go with the team and be their support, even if I am not going to be on the ice. To miss the experience altogether would be a shame.

 

I know that many are looking forward to the events in March. People that have been so curious to watch me play and learn what I do because they are so interested in it. I will focus on whatever the heck it is I have to do to heal and get better. And if I am not there yet, I will show up anyways. I’m pretty adamant about that.

 

The dance though of forward and backward is killing me. Keep me in your thoughts as I tackle this bad boy with tenacity.

 

 

 

 

Frustration In Patience

“A man who is a master of patience is master of everything else. “~George Savile

 

This day is hell.

 

Yeah, I know… it will get better. Or tomorrow won’t be so bad or some kind of crap like that. And yes, I know that there will come a day when it won’t be so bad or so hard. But right now in this moment? It is pure hell.

 

This morning, I was overwhelmed by many people to see me. I know that they were here for my healing processes and what not, but going through the motions has brought me beyond the point of breaking down into so many tears.

 

The wound care wasn’t so bad. But it is painful enough. And I just cannot tell whether or not I am healing because I cannot see the wound for myself. I have to rely on the judgement of nurses who come to assist with that. But now that I’m starting with a BETTER home health agency, it’s only been day 2 with them and they really have nothing to go by as to whether or not the wound is getting smaller or healing as it should or whatever.

 

While nursing staff was there, the physical therapist came in for her evaluation as my doctor told PT to come in. I’ve dealt with her before… she’s great! An awesome person, but I’ve not seen her since she discharged me from services about a month ago. I know that she had told me then that if she needed to come back, that she would. However she would not be coming back into my home if the doctor’s orders were to continue to work on the same thing that she and I had been for many months prior, which was the injury to my upper back and shoulders. As she puts it, “we’ve reached that plateau to where there’s nothing I can do that will make anything better.” She also had been doing some deep tissue massage work. (Can you seriously look me in the eye and tell me that nobody would enjoy massage work?)  So I didn’t want her to think that’s what the doctor was having her come in for. Of course she knew better. She saw that my condition had actually become worse than it was from the last time she saw me.

 

How embarrassing for me. And she said she felt sorry that she was seeing me so diminished.

 

Once the nurse left, the evaluation was nearly over. We started to talk about how things have been going for me since she last saw me, but that was stopped when podiatry came knocking on the door.

 

Triple whammy, if you will!!

 

By the time I was nearly done with the PT evaluation, I had gone through so much that I was in pure pain. And several hours away before I could take anything for it.

 

My level of patience clearly isn’t where it could be. Through my tears, I keep wishing and wishing that this was healed and I can get on with life. Not that I am not grateful for the nursing staff and their help and the agreement that PT will once again come back and work with me. But I just wished that my patience would grow. I know that I still have a long road ahead. I’ve only been out of the hospital for a week and a half. It is just like I said in a previous blog post, but with different circumstances, the NOT KNOWING how long this will take, is pushing me towards the edge of insanity.

 

I’m not as fast as I used to be. I’m not as strong as I used to be. But I am still alive and I still have my sense of humor. And I blame it all on being flat in a hospital bed for 11 days, whether that is a correct assessment or not. And now my body’s main focus is to try and heal the wound, taking what seems to be every bit of energy out of me to the point that I cannot do other things.

 

Of course PT recommends that I don’t do a thing over the weekend. But I honestly do not see how I could at this point. So I do not see a problem there.

 

Just at the point where I was telling others that things were getting better, as slow as it has been. Now I feel like I’ve gone backwards. But right now, that’s just how I feel through all of this pain and discomfort.

 

I REALLY NEED A HUG!

 

 

After The Wolf Stops Crying

“Cunning leads to knavery. It is but a step from one to the other, and that very slippery. Only lying makes the difference; add that to cunning, and it is knavery.”~ Ovid

 

In Aesop’s Fable, the boy who cried wolf involved himself in a selfish game of lying had eventually turned into a disaster when a wolf finally did show up and destroyed everything. Naturally the moral of the story was that in the end, liars will never be believed in again.

 

When we tells lies, we damage the trust and faith that other people have in us. As we continue to lie, there comes a time where those around us will just stop believing in us. They will stop listening to us. And really- who could blame them? Especially if those lies that were told to us caused a significant amount of damage in some way or another.

 

So then what happens after we stop listening to the liars?

 

Well first off, congratulations for being strong enough to stand up to that person who had been deceiving you all this time. It isn’t that easy! But then we start over and we say that we “learned our lesson”. We now know that we cannot trust that person because more times than not, they would lie to us again and again if we gave them the opportunity to do so. Even if we confront them with their behavior and tell them, “You are a liar!”, and then they solemnly admit to it… that’s not really going to stop them from doing it again.

 

But for others, they may now know that they cannot trust or have any faith in the person who had done them wrong by lying. And the sad fact of the matter is that now their faith and trust in all of mankind is gone.

 

I would never condone anyone to put up with somebody who constantly was damaging people by lying.

 

I watched over the past few years two friends in which the relationship had been destroyed by manipulation and lies. The one who was being lied to finally saw the “truth”, and walked away. Ultimately ending the friendship for good. But that person who had been burned, carried that sense of damage with them into future relationships. They simply will not allow themselves to trust another person.

 

I think that we all can agree that we would not blame that person for not trusting again in the same way. That person’s life has been forever changed. And the unfortunate side of this particular story is that this person refuses to even try to trust anyone else after being burned.

 

I do not believe that is fair.

 

There’s a saying that if you fall off the horse, you should get right back on it again. Loosely paraphrased.

 

Yes, you are hurt, angry, and upset. And it will take some time to get over it. But do you think that it is really fair that because someone else had done you wrong, that you should automatically start to believe that everyone else will too?? Absolutely not!

 

There is no good or real reason why you should live the rest of your life with your walls up. Because you will never find what good there is on the other side.

 

Let me repeat myself: Nobody would ever blame you for not wanting to trust the person who had or who has been hurting you.

 

And yet, to make the choice to believe that because one person did it, the world is going to as well, is nothing short of unfair and untrue.

 

There have been many times where I have discussed the hardships that I have dealt with in life because of this. I have mentioned them frequently throughout this blog. And I suppose that this blog post shall be no different. Many times have I talked about the hardships of finding someone interesting and then trying to get to know that person, only to have them shut me out because I posess some kind of similar trait to those who had previously harmed them. Which was something that I could never have known without being told personally. And therefore, I struggle to show that “I’m not like the others.” And many times I have come across those who are just cemented in their own thoughts that I can never show them what they need to see. So I end up hurt because I was never really given a chance in the first place.

 

You can take some kind of wisdom out of one of these two phrases:

 

Life is unfair.

Shit happens.

 

People are full of inaccuracies. That is how we were made. But allowing someone else’s faults to rule how we live our own lives after the fact that damage has been done doesn’t become fair to anyone else, not even to yourself!

 

We cannot stop people from lying. We cannot stop people from manipulating. But what we can do is know that each person is quite different from the other. And so how would you know, if you don’t give that next person a real chance?? We can stop trusting in those who lie to us, but we can give that new person a chance.

 

We do not have to put up with anyone’s behavior if we do not want to. That is the freedom of our choice. Masking the fact that everyone else is the same, becomes nothing but another lie. And this one you have told to yourself.

 

We can take the lessons that we did learn from the previously ending relationship and apply them. Once we start to actually see a pattern within that next person that is similar to the one we just ended all bonds with, THEN it might be time to stop and think about whether or not the two are having anything in common. It’s not fair to be quick to judge this though.

 

Those who have abused us, ruin it for the rest of the world in so many ways during so many times. We’ve got to really ponder about this.

 

Just because I wear red constantly, or black- does that mean that all people who are in wheelchairs also wear red and/or black?

 

A man found that his wife was cheating on him. He caught her in the act and then divorced her. He was smart enough to know that the relationship needed to end. But he was also foolish enough to think that ALL WOMEN are cheaters.

 

Do you finally get what I am saying?? Is this man’s perception of women valid and fair? Of course not!

 

That same man never married again. He never even bothered to date or meet new people. Needless to say that the rest of his life, he was quite miserable. He believed in the lie that he told to himself that all women cheat. And therefore he never allowed the opportunity for happiness through companionship in his life, and it caused him to be lonely and bitter. He should have taken his time to get over the pain of the loss, and moved on. He never knew what possibilities of better fulfillment through the companionship of another female could be like.

 

Let’s stop judging one another. Take the time to heal and then let’s get back to life as we once knew it. Don’t go on existing with closed doors and high walls around you.

 

Be strong and know when enough is enough. And also start over with a clean slate and a fresh mind and do not fall into the traps that everything is always the same.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Used To Date What’s Their Face!

“I always take a relationship to the next level. If that works out, I take it to the next level after that, until I finally reach that level when it becomes absolutely necessary for me to leave.”~ Dave Chappelle as ‘Kevin’ in “You’ve Got Mail” [1998]

Sometimes relationships just don’t work out. And there are so many reasons for it that we can’t possibly sit down and go through them all and live a happy life. Pondering the worst of things that occur would only drag us down into the levels of despair that many of us would have a hard time getting out of.

What we do often enough after a break up can differ in time from one person unto the next. Depending on the relationship itself and the reasons behind its termination.

Personally though, I’ve noticed that once a person has come out of a relationship due to a break up, it seems to be the thing to do to totally become evil and speak as if their ex was the worst person in the world. I don’t know, maybe its just a part of the healing process in a sense where it is a sort of a release to get out all of the angry feelings that they are dealing with because it ended. It is a fascinating theory to me because when the relationship was in full swing they couldn’t stop talking about their significant other almost as if they couldn’t say their name enough times in one day to show their affection and feelings for them.

Even with the use of the Internet, once that break up has happened there seems to be a bit of a hurtful situation whenever there comes a time when that person’s name is simply being read on a computer screen. Or perhaps a certain song is played on the radio that reminds them of what was good at one point but they quickly remember that it is now gone. They take into consideration simply abbreviating the name of their lost loved one because it has become too painful. I could be wrong on this.

Too many times, I have read on Facebook in the past twelve months people coming in and out of relationships. But commonly once its over, they’ve got no desire to read their former partner’s name or talk about them. And so either their names are abbreviated or they are given some kind of code or nick name, that is actually dangerously close to the edge of being spiteful and mean.

But in time, the hurting stops. The healing process is over. And that person can move forward and function better in life because the pain of the loss is either no longer there or has become something that they can deal with.

I left my last girlfriend nearly three years ago. I would consider it a very bad break up. Probably the worst I have ever had to go through. And yes, it was painful for me. Yet, what had given me hope to carry on for another day was the fact that I knew that I was alive and not dead. Which probably would have been the ultimate fate had I stayed in the relationship.

I was glad and very thankful that I was able to see the world again without fear, without pain.

And I healed. I cannot say for sure how long it took to heal, but because I had that positivity within me to believe that things WILL get better, and a supportive group of friends, family, and other colleagues– I survived the hurt of the break up. I knew what I had done wrong, and I learned from that. And I keep it all in mind when I am associating with other females.

I could mention as well that memories of my first girlfriend that I ever had are gone. I have no recollection of what she looked like back then and probably would not be able to recognize her if I saw her today. That much time has passed. The only thing that I remember of her is her name.

So then are we forcing the memories out of our heads when we tend to refer to our exes as “them, they, or it”? Do we believe that our liver and kidneys are going to explode just because we mentioned their name in conversation after the relationship is over? Some just may believe in that. It is just personal opinion that I feel that they are wrong in thinking that.

I’ve been witness to relationships with people from beginning to end. At first, I would get to the point where I was happy for them. Then I just wanted them to shut up about it because hearing over and over again was driving me to believe that they were incapable of talking about anything else in the world. The fact of the matter was probably that they could, they just didn’t want to. And then when the ending of the relationship came and it was time for the hurt and the heal, well… you can imagine the bashing, the name calling, the evil ways they spoke about their ex.

And this was someone you just a few days ago felt that you couldn’t live without? You are calling them names and talking in a bad light about them suddenly? Why is that??

You loved them last week- and now you loathe them.

It is just all very interesting to me.

I do not loathe those who are a part of my past. I do not hate them. I do hate what they had done as well as what I had done that would ultimately cause the relationship to terminate. But even then, I shouldn’t “hate” on that. Instead, I should take the signs as they came to me and learn. Recognize what went wrong and what was bad, and do not repeat it with anyone else that may cross paths in my life, EVER!!!!!!!! 

I remember them all. Once someone makes a very big mark in your life, you never really “forget” them. You just lose your attachment to them. Once that is done, you’ve healed and are ready to move on. But the healing process and how we are handling ourselves in times of hurt and end, are quite fascinating to me.

Naturally, I am not a professional on this. Nor do I claim to be. I just simply know and speak from my own experiences. Doesn’t mean everything is going to end up the same with each relationship, or person in which I choose to have a relationship with. I fully trust in that. Because if I did not, I would have never dated again. Neither would I have had the experiences afterwards that I did, nor the opportunity to learn from these experiences to grow, mature, and develop in my own short life.

Each person is different as I said. They attach themselves towards others differently. They adapt differently, and they also heal differently. The best part about healing is that it doesn’t mean that you will hurt forever. At some point, it will stop hurting.

Life will go on.