Head

“Everyone has highs and lows that they have to learn from, but every morning I start off with a good head on my shoulders, saying to myself, ‘It’s going to be a good day!’.”~ Lindsay LohanIf I did not write this down, it would be a complete tragedy and total loss to mankind.

Even though I cannot give specific details, I can give you at least the story which is too good to keep to oneself. I’ll have to change the names. Not for their safety, but to keep my ass from getting sued. Ready? Here we go.

Not that long ago, I was laying in a hotel bed at night just watching television, thinking to myself that I should probably go to sleep because the following morning, I had to get up early and knew that I would be working hard all day long.

The moment that I had the room dark with all the lights turned off, there was a knock on my door.

When I opened the door, they asked for me by name. I said that’s who I was.

It was a woman. More specifically, a prostitute. Hookers aren’t my thing, so I decided to turn her away. But she insisted that either she come into my room or she get paid. She told me that “Mark” had called for her to come to my room, and she was not going any where until something happened. Either her work or her getting paid.

“Mark” had a room two floors above, and I tried to tell her that it was “Mark” that called so she should attempt to get her money from him. But she was insisting.

I slammed the door in her face. But she kept knocking. I’ve never met a more persistent prostitute in all of my life!

So I gave her the money that I had made working for the week to get her out of the hotel and told her to get a cab ride home.

“Mark” was going to get it. I am in charge of “Mark”, so he was screwed.

But I double checked with those that are in charge of me, and to be honest, they do not like “Mark” and they wished that they could find a reason to fire “Mark.”

A small group of people went on a horse riding tour. One of which, took a long a shovel.

Don’t get ahead of me… keep reading!

But in fact, this group of people did gather the manure from the horses, and picked up more and placed it all inside of a plastic bag.

Here’s where it gets hilarious………

I know some people who have worked in the industry with make-up and the like. They took this head full of horse shit and sculpted it into the shape of a head. And then they painted it and made it look like a person’s head. Complete with facial features and everything. The only thing missing were ears for whatever reason.

They put this head and placed it into “Mark’s” luggage.

At the airport, there was an elderly man working. This guy was probably really close to retirement when he began sniffing into the air. Something was wrong. But he couldn’t figure out what.

So he had “Mark” open up his luggage to figure out what the problem was.

The moment he flipped open the lid, that head was right there in the middle of it all. The poor old man working luggage screamed like a pre-pubescent girl. He was terrified at the sight of that head being there.

“Mark” was busy staring into his cell phone when he jumped hearing the old man scream. He looked down and he screamed as well.

“Mark” immediately started to punch at the head, squeezing and pounding it. Allowing for the contents on the inside to scatter all over the place.

That’s right. Horse shit was everywhere. Everything was ruined.

“Mark” soon quit the job a few days later. Not because of the luggage prank, but he started having marital problems being away from home for so long at a time. He went home to fix his marriage.

Moral? Don’t mess with me. Especially if I am the one person you have to answer to.

Tales Of The Hunted

This morning,  I was hanging out in the community room when I decided to go give some grief to the apartment manager.

As soon as I walked into his office, he alerted me that there was something that I would want to see, that was walking on the sidewalk outside of the apartment complex.

By the time I found an open window, the alleged eye candy was gone. I saw the back of the body and never saw what the apartment manager was hoping that I would take a glimpse of.

My first thought was that she was going to the corner store. I figured “what goes up, must come down”. So I went back into the community room, poured what was probably my fifth cup of coffee today, and waited to see if whether or not this woman would walk back again.

The other neighbors were watching me watching the window. They finally asked what I was doing. When I explained it to them, one of the ladies just rolled her eyes at me and opened up her coin purse and threw about $1.50 at me in coins. She told me to go to the corner store to see whether or not my theory might be true that this woman that I was supposed to see, might be sitting at the bus stop at the end of the block, or if she was inside the corner store. All in the hopes that I would stop looking at women and start talking to them.

Either way, I was sent out on a mission to chase skirt.

But the hunter would turn out to be the hunted.

As I approached the corner bus stop, I didn’t see any trace of the woman of whom I was chasing. Instead there was another woman sitting quietly and patiently at the bus stop with her back turned to me.

I didn’t bother pay attention. Instead I passed by her and looked. Her eyes caught mine as I zoomed by her and she smiled.

I continued on going into the corner store with my $1.50 and bought something quick and cheap. But the first woman was never found. I don’t know if I wasted too much time to go out on this hunt and she jumped on a bus or if she kept walking. All I know is that I never saw her again.

This other woman however, would turn me into the person being sought after.

As I was on my journey of returning home, the same attractive woman was sitting there quietly. When I began to pass her by again, she stopped me and asked me what time it was.

I stopped and gave her the time and she thanked me. And then asked me the most unusual question. A question that I didn’t see coming.

“Do you like to party?”.

Without thinking it through, I lied through my damned teeth and said, “Hell yeah!”.

Suddenly, this woman was asking me if I wanted to party with her. 

Uh-oh….

Abort! Abort! ABORT!!

I moved away from her. She kept giving options of where she and I could go to “party”. And even she asked me if I lived around in this neighborhood. By that time, my common sense finally caught up and I just had to tell her “Are you crazy??”.

As I said, the hunter became the hunted. This prostitute was trying to make a sale, but I declined.

Its only Wednesday. And its been crazy needless to say.  My journey to The Oasis is still days away.

I think that I should focus more on being with my family rather than trying to talk to women.