Posts Tagged ‘humor’

how-to-fill-out-a-money-order“Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.”~ Kinky Friedman

Welcome to April!

And for those of you who are keeping track: 25% of the year has now gone by.

As it is for so many of us, this week is rent week. A week that we all feel so much good fuzzy feelings for! Am I right? No?!?? Oh well. It can be a chore and a hassle but we do it because we want to keep having a place to live.

This morning as I was going to grab my coffee, I remembered that I needed to grab the money order that I had for my own rent.

Well, April in Texas is also stormy season. A cold front blew in so it was a bit chilly outside. Very windy too!

I picked up the money order and headed back outside. But the wind nearly pulled the money order out of my hand. I do have pockets, but they aren’t that deep and I didn’t feel secure enough with all this wind that it would stay in there. I did the next best thing that I could think of.

I stuck the money order in between my teeth and bit down and proceeded to move forward.

The moment I turned the corner at top speed and was facing a northern direction, that crazy wind got in the way.

As I was accelerating in speed because I was going down a hill, the wind got stronger and flipped that flimsy piece of paper upwards and back into my face. The width of the paper and its placement between my teeth literally caused a blind spot.

Before I knew it, the wheelchair had turned off of the sidewalk and I went tumbling down the rest of the hill, head over heels, over and over and over again. The money order never coming out of my mouth.

It took quite a while for the empty wheelchair to catch up to me. And I climbed back in. All the while gritting down on the money order so it would not fly away in the wind.

I am fine though. I didn’t seriously hurt myself. I wasn’t bleeding or anything like that. I had the sense to roll with the roll so to speak.

But I have always said that rent was going to kill me one day. It came a little bit closer today than before!!!

Everyone enjoy a laugh from the story. Happy April to everyone!!!!!!!

image-20160324-17851-1yv9q70“If you want to see the sunshine, you have to weather the storm.”~ Frank Lane

I am greatly considering either writing a book, or starting a brand new blog when it comes to the great people and experiences here at the SGC.

Allow me to present to you the events over the past 24 hours.

It is late March. Tis the season. Texas went through a lot of rain overnight and into this morning and early afternoon. However the insanity started to break when our beloved meteorologists were warning that “storms could be severe.”

Texas translation? MILK AND BREAD! MILK AND BREAD!! AND BATTERIES!!!

The corner gas station was completely wiped out of the items.

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On this day in 2014. Just saying Texas likes to be stormy on this day.

So it rained and rained. There was thunder. There was lightning. And there was a promising look of local flooding. But it all subsided. In the end, store owners got richer and the area got some much needed rain to help with the drought.

When the sun came up this morning and it was time to get that all important cup of coffee, I suddenly realizing that I had walked into a room full of outspoken and loud obscenities.

F bombs were flying!! “Fuck this and fuck that. Fucking fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” And when you are trying to wake up and having a hard time making sense of the day, being bombarded with profanities isn’t the best way of going at it.

It would have been easier to handle, if there was a point to it. But the guy just couldn’t stop swearing. He was just rambling on about various things. And then he finally stood up and left.

The neighbors have labelled him as “the insane one.” From people who know him however, apparently he is highly intelligent. So there you have it.

The chaos train had started rolling at full speed.

Today was our special Easter dinner event. It was a catered event from a seafood restaurant and only a few select people could attend. There was a sign up sheet that the residents had to sign in order to be able to take part. If you were not the list, you were not offered any food. Easy enough to understand.

There was supposed to an Easter egg hunt, but due to the fact that at 11:30 AM looked like 10:00 PM and the rain was pouring down, that was cancelled.

In an effort to avoid bodies bumping into everything while trying to get in line to get food, they decided to go to the sign up sheet and call people’s name one at a time. Your name was called and you got your food. Once you were handed your food and you walked away, the next person was called.

It was a process that I felt worked out very well.

And the guy who had the potty mouth this morning?

His name was not called. His name was not written on the sign up sheet that the social worker had in her hands. And so, without his name being on the list, he was refused being served food.

GUESS WHAT HAPPENED NEXT???

Round Two. Screaming and wailing. Minus the profanity for whatever reason.

Our resident who had coordinated the event with staff was trying to talk to him to tell him that she had his name on the list and that he can go ahead and get something to eat. But in his blinding rage, he did not hear her. And so instead of having that saving grace that he was in fact included on the list, he stormed his way out of the building and into the pouring rain with bitterness in his heart. Even though the coordinating resident was trying to get in a word over the shouting. She simply was overpowered.

Apparently what unfortunately had happened was that the resident attempted to e-mail the social worker last night to add him to the list. But the social worker never received the e-mail.

He was gone before the resident could resolve the problem.

Being that I was sitting at the same table as the coordinator, I heard the conversation between her and the social worker when they both realized what the problem was. And there was not anything they could do about it because technology had failed.

I can believe it as I was without Internet for several hours last night. So the e-mail probably was never sent.

Food however WAS set aside to be given to him after the fact. I do not know what happened when they went to deliver it to him at his home.

The other residents began their buzzing. One guy even came up to the coordinator and decided that he was going to put the full blame upon the shoulders of the social worker. He stated that the social worker handled it extremely poorly and it should have never went down the way that it did. And there were others that were just as willing to chastise and point fingers.

I realized at that moment that the craziness of living here would NEVER go away!! I understand that there are over 60 people who call this place home, and that means there’s probably going to be over 60 different opinions.

The fighting and the minutiae will forever be present here at SGC. And that’s why I wonder if I should start writing more and more about the events that go on here because it has to be wildly entertaining for some of you!!!

And finally to bring this tale to an end, the social worker decided that she was going to just hand out plastic Easter eggs to those who were in attendance because there would be no Easter egg hunt.

Inside of each egg were treats. Basically bite size pieces of chocolate and quarters. I stopped in the social worker’s office to say “good morning” to her early last week when she was putting them together.

Each person got several eggs. Most of which contained one piece of candy and one quarter. I believe the intention was to give out enough eggs that there would be enough money to use for the laundry machines. At least to wash your laundry. boot

I sat there at the table and I was making jokes about the social worker looking like the Easter bunny. But it went terribly, terribly wrong!!

It was probably the biggest faux pas I had made in over a year.

Instead of saying “She looks like the Easter bunny handing out treats.” I said, “She looks like the Playboy bunny handing out treats.”

It was met with dead silence until I realized the error and quickly corrected myself for it.

I swear I thought I was next to be crucified for it.

After I survived that scare, the social worker came back around a few minutes later asking for the emptied plastic eggs. They wanted to be able to keep them and use them in years to come.

A majority of the eggs contained Hershey’s Kisses. Not all, but most of them. hershey-easter-kisses-700_0

In a moment of quick thinking, when the social worker came around to collect the eggs from our table I said, “Thank you for the kisses!!”

The social worker busted out laughing so hard that she bent in half. And in the next moment the entire building was laughing as hard as they could.

I probably saved myself from certain social and personal destruction after the “bunny” comment.

I am not sure what “holiday” will be served up next here. If I had to guess, it could be Memorial Day or Independence Day.

And as always…. stay tuned!!!

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“Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.”~ Gilbert K. Chesterton
 

Yep, you are reading this right. IT STILL WORKS.
This is a t-shirt that I had custom made recently this year. And it serves well for many purposes. But its legacy has taken off.
First, an explanation as to why it exists.
As an adult with a disability, I can safely say that I have had a lot of people come up to me and ask a lot of questions. Some innocently out of their own ignorance. But A LOT of personal questions that are downright stupid.
With children, the most popular question I get is: What happened to your legs?

Innocent enough. I answer the best that I can. Or I just tell them “That’s how I was born.”

With adults, the most popular question I get (outside of “What happened?”) would be something like:

Can you still do it? Does your dick work? Can you have sex? Can you feel “down there?”

Anything like that.

Trust me, it is really annoying. Especially since it is none of their business. Considering that a vast majority of the people asking, I will never see again in my lifetime.

So I decided to answer the question once and for all.

Honestly, I have not had a single person come up to me asking that kind of question ever since I wore the shirt out in public the first couple of times. Of course there have been some people who have seen it and read it, thinking with dirty minds. It was something that I anticipated to happen. And I just deal with the laughter and snickering that people think that I cannot hear behind my back.

Now let me tell what has happened since I started wearing the shirt in public.

As expected, I have a lot of people tell me that they like the shirt, as they sit there and laugh real hard until they can no longer breathe.

A few times I have had people come up to me, asking to take a photograph of it. In which I do not have a problem with.

I went out last night to watch the band AUTUMN STAY play a show at the Dirty Dog Bar wearing the shirt. And the legacy took off with a whole new chapter.

Before the show even got started, two people who said that they loved the shirt buy me drinks. One of which happened to be the touring band that was in town. The other an employee of a different bar next door.

It didn’t stop the entire night. Drink after drink after drink after drink. Included with so many people asking to take photos. And of course…. I never really know where those photos end up. 19221669_10154696784091453_5194340704344925977_o

As the night continued, more and more drinks and more and more photos. I didn’t have to spend ANY money on refreshments last night. And it was very very HOT, now that it is June in Texas. I think the temperature reached 100°F for the first time in 2017. Hydration was very important last night.

I had several people passing by continually expressing to me that they liked the shirt up and down Sixth Street. And a few women came up to me asking what it meant. As if that was not obvious enough. And other women were either brave enough or drunk enough to end up kissing me!!!

To this day, I have not had anyone challenge me to find out whether or not I am lying. I mean of course it works. If I cannot go through the process of urination, I am in trouble!!!! But yes I know what this hints at. And its supposed to. It has more than one function, perverts.

Before there was a time when someone would ask me if it works, I would answer “There’s only one way to find out!” but nobody ever followed through on that. And that is probably a blessing in disguise.

The only problem that I can see wearing the shirt is that some story randomly finds my family. But they already know about it. I told my parents, and all I got back in response was a chuckle. Especially from my father. So really, I am good.

Stay tuned for more adventures of It Still Works as it travels into the world.

get-the-girls-on-bus

Dear German Speaking Woman who was on the bus over the weekend:

I have to say that the moment that I spotted you that you were quite attractive. But I didn’t really want to say anything to you because … who wants to be approached like that while sitting on a city bus?

And perhaps I was surprised by you as you were by me. But nobody can say for sure. I was not expecting you to answer your cell phone in German.

And I’m pretty damned sure that you were not expecting me to talk to you in response in German. If at all.

I honestly did not mean to startle you, if I am going to be honest. But I do speak over fifteen languages. None of which are really fluent.

I hope that you weren’t cold while riding the bus because I did see you shiver a little bit when I spoke. I’m sorry that I did not have a coat or jacket to cover you with, if you were cold.

How’s your right ankle by the way? I saw you twist it like a mofo when you rang for the bell to get the bus to stop and attempt to exit off of the bus. That really did look like it hurt.

By the way, you may want to check with your physician about other problems as well. Perhaps you could get answers as to why you became so incontinent when you stood up to run off the bus like that. You left quite the trail behind you, and the seat you were upon, it looked like a grease stain inside of an auto garage.

Any ways, I hope you are doing well and I hope to see you again soon. Perhaps I’ll try again…. this next time in English.

Auf weidersehen.

red-velvet-bundt-cake-andee-photography“All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.”~ George Harrison

The Blog Train rolls. Next stop: A little bit of humor before hitting the town of serious and confusion.

A few weeks ago, I went to the grocery store with many of my neighbors and was rolling around in the bakery.

Side story: If you know me, you know that I LOVE red velvet cake. I go crazy for it.

I even was going to have a red velvet groom’s cake way back when.

So as I was meandering, I saw red velvet cakes on display.

However, they were only bundt cakes. And not the full sized  cakes that I was used to seeing. I WANTED the full sized cake. I didn’t want a bundt cake.

The other thing that I noticed about it was the fact that there was only frosting on the top and nothing on the sides of the cake.

I sat there in awe of the missing frosting. I kept wondering what was going on. And why the heck would I pay almost $8.00 for this freakin’ thing when there’s only cake on the top??

Maybe that’s how bundt cakes work. I don’t know. I just know that I wasn’t happy with being ripped off of that creamy and sugary deliciousness.

As I began to fall into a daze, a bakery employee came up to me and asked if I needed any assistance.

I picked up the cake and asked them to double check the price. And they said that it was the real price.

I snarled to myself. What a robbery!!! And you haven’t even finished with the frosting!!!! redvelvet

I curled up to them nice and close and pointed to the empty center of the cake as is a bundt.

I asked them, “Where is the rest of the cake?” and what happened next was truly amazing.

Yes, I was being sarcastic but I was also being sincere at the same time as I wanted MORE cake.

They were confused. Until I made a nuisance of myself at poking at the cover of the cake at the center, telling them that the center of the cake was missing and the frosting was missing as well. Let me tell you that they were none too happy about the question and they couldn’t believe that I was being that serious about it.

I told them that I just couldn’t see myself paying that much for a cake that had a hole in it, because they baked it that way on purpose.

I was told to leave the bakery section of the grocery store and never to return. They were so upset about my question that they felt it to be a huge waste of time.

I mentioned this fact when it happened on Facebook. All I got was a bunch of perverted queries about baguettes. Shame on you all!!!

I do not think that I am asking for too much. Just put frosting all over the cake. NOT just the top. I don’t care if it is bundt or not. Spread that stuff, baby!!!!! Be a good Samaritan to those who want to purchase your delicious bakery items and give them their worth of money if you are going to insist on being a rapist of wallets and purses and bank accounts.

Give what the customer wants!! Hell, I had time. You probably could have baked a fresh cake and drowned it all in frosting. But no… you got offended.

Sad.

time-warner-logo“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”~ Rita Rudner

This afternoon as I found my eyelids protesting and winning to close, I was heavily startled by the sounds of a crying and ringing telephone. 

As I was actually quite comfy laying there I had decided that I would not move from my escape from the cold weather that blasted its way through this morning and even got colder this afternoon. 

I felt that if it was important then whomever it was calling can either leave a message or call me right back again. 

Then I heard the automated system kick in and the phone call was coming from Time Warner Cable. 

They were calling to tell me that a very serious matter needed to be settled and a change in my status of the account would soon be happening.

A.K.A.– I didn’t pay the bill this month. Ooops!! Slight oversight and mistake. 

So up from the nest that I had created and I went straight to the website to pay the bill once in for all via online payment.

Problem solved.

Until this evening after business hours where yet again Time Warner decided to call. 

I didn’t wanna hear their message about how they were fixing to change the status in my account. I had already paid what was past due AND MORE!

So I answered and then hung up. They called back again.

I knew right then and there that this was another automated message and there was nobody LIVE to speak with. 

So I answered a second time but was as silent as can be. I heard nothing. Not a sound. So I hung up. They called back again. 

That’s when I gave it to them just to see if they would stop the recording and put on a live person. 

When I answered I said “HEY-HO-COCK-BITE-SWEATER-VEST-PINEAPPLE-FARTS-CUM-DROPLETS-BIKINI-SHITS-KAYAKING-TOURIST-SEASON-BALL-SACK-GOT-MOISTURE-TURTLE-TURTLE-PUMPKIN-PIE!!!!!!!”

Whomever it is running the show with the switch board and handling the calls to customers over at Time Warner Cable LITERALLY waited until I had stopped talking before they flipped the switch and the automated message came over the telephone, thanking me for my earlier payment and have a nice day. 

Okay, SOMEONE had to hear all that nonsense since they actually waited for me to run out of things to say.

And someone had to have been busting a gut from all of that. Because honestly, I never gave them a traditional telephone greeting.

 

Sochi-toilets_2812481b

For those who like to shit with applause at the end.

sochi-toilet-rules

I can’t do WHAT?!???

Conditions inside Russia for the XXII Winter Olympics are not exactly… shall we say …. a pan of awesome sauce.

Probably one of the biggest issues that Olympians are having are the bathrooms, restrooms, and toilets. It is incredible!

So here we go in the spirit of Yakov Smirnoff:

In Sochi Russia, tinkling is a family sibling sport.

In Sochi Russia, shit balls are not actually an exclamation of surprise, but are a thing, and are graded.

In Sochi Russia, urinary tract infection.

In Sochi Russia, fishing is a private issue.

In Sochi Russia, toilet flushes you… with your own feces.

In Sochi Russia, toilet lids is located on the bottom.

In Sochi Russia, toilets are so close that your next child will be conceived. Whether you touch the person beside you or not.

In Sochi Russia, dump takes you.