Posts Tagged ‘humor’

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“Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.”~ Gilbert K. Chesterton
 

Yep, you are reading this right. IT STILL WORKS.
This is a t-shirt that I had custom made recently this year. And it serves well for many purposes. But its legacy has taken off.
First, an explanation as to why it exists.
As an adult with a disability, I can safely say that I have had a lot of people come up to me and ask a lot of questions. Some innocently out of their own ignorance. But A LOT of personal questions that are downright stupid.
With children, the most popular question I get is: What happened to your legs?

Innocent enough. I answer the best that I can. Or I just tell them “That’s how I was born.”

With adults, the most popular question I get (outside of “What happened?”) would be something like:

Can you still do it? Does your dick work? Can you have sex? Can you feel “down there?”

Anything like that.

Trust me, it is really annoying. Especially since it is none of their business. Considering that a vast majority of the people asking, I will never see again in my lifetime.

So I decided to answer the question once and for all.

Honestly, I have not had a single person come up to me asking that kind of question ever since I wore the shirt out in public the first couple of times. Of course there have been some people who have seen it and read it, thinking with dirty minds. It was something that I anticipated to happen. And I just deal with the laughter and snickering that people think that I cannot hear behind my back.

Now let me tell what has happened since I started wearing the shirt in public.

As expected, I have a lot of people tell me that they like the shirt, as they sit there and laugh real hard until they can no longer breathe.

A few times I have had people come up to me, asking to take a photograph of it. In which I do not have a problem with.

I went out last night to watch the band AUTUMN STAY play a show at the Dirty Dog Bar wearing the shirt. And the legacy took off with a whole new chapter.

Before the show even got started, two people who said that they loved the shirt buy me drinks. One of which happened to be the touring band that was in town. The other an employee of a different bar next door.

It didn’t stop the entire night. Drink after drink after drink after drink. Included with so many people asking to take photos. And of course…. I never really know where those photos end up. 19221669_10154696784091453_5194340704344925977_o

As the night continued, more and more drinks and more and more photos. I didn’t have to spend ANY money on refreshments last night. And it was very very HOT, now that it is June in Texas. I think the temperature reached 100°F for the first time in 2017. Hydration was very important last night.

I had several people passing by continually expressing to me that they liked the shirt up and down Sixth Street. And a few women came up to me asking what it meant. As if that was not obvious enough. And other women were either brave enough or drunk enough to end up kissing me!!!

To this day, I have not had anyone challenge me to find out whether or not I am lying. I mean of course it works. If I cannot go through the process of urination, I am in trouble!!!! But yes I know what this hints at. And its supposed to. It has more than one function, perverts.

Before there was a time when someone would ask me if it works, I would answer “There’s only one way to find out!” but nobody ever followed through on that. And that is probably a blessing in disguise.

The only problem that I can see wearing the shirt is that some story randomly finds my family. But they already know about it. I told my parents, and all I got back in response was a chuckle. Especially from my father. So really, I am good.

Stay tuned for more adventures of It Still Works as it travels into the world.

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Dear German Speaking Woman who was on the bus over the weekend:

I have to say that the moment that I spotted you that you were quite attractive. But I didn’t really want to say anything to you because … who wants to be approached like that while sitting on a city bus?

And perhaps I was surprised by you as you were by me. But nobody can say for sure. I was not expecting you to answer your cell phone in German.

And I’m pretty damned sure that you were not expecting me to talk to you in response in German. If at all.

I honestly did not mean to startle you, if I am going to be honest. But I do speak over fifteen languages. None of which are really fluent.

I hope that you weren’t cold while riding the bus because I did see you shiver a little bit when I spoke. I’m sorry that I did not have a coat or jacket to cover you with, if you were cold.

How’s your right ankle by the way? I saw you twist it like a mofo when you rang for the bell to get the bus to stop and attempt to exit off of the bus. That really did look like it hurt.

By the way, you may want to check with your physician about other problems as well. Perhaps you could get answers as to why you became so incontinent when you stood up to run off the bus like that. You left quite the trail behind you, and the seat you were upon, it looked like a grease stain inside of an auto garage.

Any ways, I hope you are doing well and I hope to see you again soon. Perhaps I’ll try again…. this next time in English.

Auf weidersehen.

red-velvet-bundt-cake-andee-photography“All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.”~ George Harrison

The Blog Train rolls. Next stop: A little bit of humor before hitting the town of serious and confusion.

A few weeks ago, I went to the grocery store with many of my neighbors and was rolling around in the bakery.

Side story: If you know me, you know that I LOVE red velvet cake. I go crazy for it.

I even was going to have a red velvet groom’s cake way back when.

So as I was meandering, I saw red velvet cakes on display.

However, they were only bundt cakes. And not the full sized  cakes that I was used to seeing. I WANTED the full sized cake. I didn’t want a bundt cake.

The other thing that I noticed about it was the fact that there was only frosting on the top and nothing on the sides of the cake.

I sat there in awe of the missing frosting. I kept wondering what was going on. And why the heck would I pay almost $8.00 for this freakin’ thing when there’s only cake on the top??

Maybe that’s how bundt cakes work. I don’t know. I just know that I wasn’t happy with being ripped off of that creamy and sugary deliciousness.

As I began to fall into a daze, a bakery employee came up to me and asked if I needed any assistance.

I picked up the cake and asked them to double check the price. And they said that it was the real price.

I snarled to myself. What a robbery!!! And you haven’t even finished with the frosting!!!! redvelvet

I curled up to them nice and close and pointed to the empty center of the cake as is a bundt.

I asked them, “Where is the rest of the cake?” and what happened next was truly amazing.

Yes, I was being sarcastic but I was also being sincere at the same time as I wanted MORE cake.

They were confused. Until I made a nuisance of myself at poking at the cover of the cake at the center, telling them that the center of the cake was missing and the frosting was missing as well. Let me tell you that they were none too happy about the question and they couldn’t believe that I was being that serious about it.

I told them that I just couldn’t see myself paying that much for a cake that had a hole in it, because they baked it that way on purpose.

I was told to leave the bakery section of the grocery store and never to return. They were so upset about my question that they felt it to be a huge waste of time.

I mentioned this fact when it happened on Facebook. All I got was a bunch of perverted queries about baguettes. Shame on you all!!!

I do not think that I am asking for too much. Just put frosting all over the cake. NOT just the top. I don’t care if it is bundt or not. Spread that stuff, baby!!!!! Be a good Samaritan to those who want to purchase your delicious bakery items and give them their worth of money if you are going to insist on being a rapist of wallets and purses and bank accounts.

Give what the customer wants!! Hell, I had time. You probably could have baked a fresh cake and drowned it all in frosting. But no… you got offended.

Sad.

time-warner-logo“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”~ Rita Rudner

This afternoon as I found my eyelids protesting and winning to close, I was heavily startled by the sounds of a crying and ringing telephone. 

As I was actually quite comfy laying there I had decided that I would not move from my escape from the cold weather that blasted its way through this morning and even got colder this afternoon. 

I felt that if it was important then whomever it was calling can either leave a message or call me right back again. 

Then I heard the automated system kick in and the phone call was coming from Time Warner Cable. 

They were calling to tell me that a very serious matter needed to be settled and a change in my status of the account would soon be happening.

A.K.A.– I didn’t pay the bill this month. Ooops!! Slight oversight and mistake. 

So up from the nest that I had created and I went straight to the website to pay the bill once in for all via online payment.

Problem solved.

Until this evening after business hours where yet again Time Warner decided to call. 

I didn’t wanna hear their message about how they were fixing to change the status in my account. I had already paid what was past due AND MORE!

So I answered and then hung up. They called back again.

I knew right then and there that this was another automated message and there was nobody LIVE to speak with. 

So I answered a second time but was as silent as can be. I heard nothing. Not a sound. So I hung up. They called back again. 

That’s when I gave it to them just to see if they would stop the recording and put on a live person. 

When I answered I said “HEY-HO-COCK-BITE-SWEATER-VEST-PINEAPPLE-FARTS-CUM-DROPLETS-BIKINI-SHITS-KAYAKING-TOURIST-SEASON-BALL-SACK-GOT-MOISTURE-TURTLE-TURTLE-PUMPKIN-PIE!!!!!!!”

Whomever it is running the show with the switch board and handling the calls to customers over at Time Warner Cable LITERALLY waited until I had stopped talking before they flipped the switch and the automated message came over the telephone, thanking me for my earlier payment and have a nice day. 

Okay, SOMEONE had to hear all that nonsense since they actually waited for me to run out of things to say.

And someone had to have been busting a gut from all of that. Because honestly, I never gave them a traditional telephone greeting.

 

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For those who like to shit with applause at the end.

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I can’t do WHAT?!???

Conditions inside Russia for the XXII Winter Olympics are not exactly… shall we say …. a pan of awesome sauce.

Probably one of the biggest issues that Olympians are having are the bathrooms, restrooms, and toilets. It is incredible!

So here we go in the spirit of Yakov Smirnoff:

In Sochi Russia, tinkling is a family sibling sport.

In Sochi Russia, shit balls are not actually an exclamation of surprise, but are a thing, and are graded.

In Sochi Russia, urinary tract infection.

In Sochi Russia, fishing is a private issue.

In Sochi Russia, toilet flushes you… with your own feces.

In Sochi Russia, toilet lids is located on the bottom.

In Sochi Russia, toilets are so close that your next child will be conceived. Whether you touch the person beside you or not.

In Sochi Russia, dump takes you.

“He’s going to have to understand that the minister is not giving him options from a menu.”

This is making a splash on Facebook at the moment, so I might as well share it here as well.

A little while ago, I ended up crossing paths with a woman that I had dated. She was bold in telling me that she was getting married to the man that she is now currently with. Deep down, I thought “Why would I care?”, but what came out was “Well good for you!”.

So then she began to tell me how funny this man is, and he keeps her cracking up. But then she began to go into comparisons between him and I. Clearly, she would always give him the advantage.

As I began to attempt to bring the conversation to a close… just to get her to shut up… she began to forcefully insist that I get them something for the wedding, that way, “I” didn’t look bad.

I told her that I would pass on the idea and she became furious, demanding I tell her why. (And she wonders why I broke up with her?). I told her that I wasn’t going to get a gift for a wedding that I was not invited to, and before she thought about it, I didn’t want to be invited either.

As insistant and bitchy as she was, I finally asked her what her address was. Apparently, that was a satisfactory response. And then I told her that I would send something.

Later that evening, I went to the store and bought some stamps. My gift for them was going to be sent in the mail.

What was my gift, you wonder?? I sent the soon-to-be husband: A sympathy card. Complete with my condolences and a written prayer. (I will call him ‘Jim’.)

“Dear Jim, congratulations! And my complete condolences to you for what you are about to endure. Oh Lord, forgive him for he knows not what he does.”

A couple of days after I sent that in the mail, I get an e-mail from Jim. I figured that he was going to just scream and fuss and everything like that. But instead, he invited me to lunch so that “we could talk”.

I declined his invitation. He wanted to know why I sent a sympathy card and wondered if there was something to know about his soon-to-be bride that I knew, that he did not.

He was confused. She on the other hand, was pissed off!!!

He asked if I had any advice for him as he enters into this union with her. He wanted to know what the relationship was like between her and I. But that’s our business, not his. The same as it is none of my business what they do together.

But the only thing that I told him was that “when the minister asks ‘for richer or for poorer, for better or worse’, that the minister was not giving him options for him to choose from.

And that’s when I heard from her again today with her screaming and yelling at me in ALL CAPS. The e-mail address from her was blocked as I laughed my butt off.

After all that talk that she thought her man was hilarious and had a greater sense of humor, I figured they would get a kick out of it. But no.

So anyways, I do feel bad for the guy. Having to live a life with her like that. I told someone on Facebook that a rimshot needed to be struck as soon as he says, “I do.”

 

“Now I may be an idiot, but there’s one thing I am not sir, and that sir, is an idiot.”~Peter Griffin in “Family Guy”.

This story is too funny not to share, I think.

I went out to dinner a few nights ago with my sister and her family. For whatever reason, there was a spike in activity upon my cell phone with text messages from sea to shining sea. Why exactly at that point, I’ll never know.

So as we’re driving along and trying to find a restaurant that was not closed, these flurries of text messages were coming in. Finally, when we selected one place to eat and we were getting out of the vehicle, my cell phone began to ring. I knew exactly who it was without the need to look at my phone. And I said to myself, “Ohh this will be good!”.

I didn’t begin with the opening salutation with the common response. I did not say, “hello?”, I did not say, “hey there!?”.

I answered the phone with “Hey baby!!”. My sister almost had an immediate reaction with confusion piled on with intrigue. Her husband started laughing because he doesn’t hear me talking like that a lot.

I said to the person on the other line that I was with family, having dinner and that I would call her back later. Then my ending salutation was “Love you!!”. And I hung up.

By this time, my sister went into 20,000 questions mode. Her husband still laughing and yet curious as to why in the world I would talk like that. The rest of the night, the two of them kept on and on. Relentlessly asking questions about who it was that I was talking to. I only had answered one question and that was whether or not the person I was speaking with, was my girlfriend. No, she isn’t my girlfriend.

I think that only fueled their curious nature and definitely confused them. Why in the hell would I say that to someone who wasn’t my girlfriend??

I LOVED IT! I gave a text message to the one who had called me and was laughing about it, explaining that I had given them “shock & awe”. But my female friend is used to that kind of banter and talk coming from me. We’ve been friends for years now.

I am just the kind of guy that will tell my friends that I do love them. At least those whom I know will be able to handle such a sentiment without having to Google it, and trying to define what it is I am saying to them or insinuating that the intimate expression is implied with more meaning than its face value that I am offering. Although to be fair, I don’t always use the endearing term, “baby” with them a lot either. Once again, something of banter and I know she’s used to it and doesn’t go overboard taking it too much to heart.

I realized that for one, my sister and her family don’t really know too much about what’s going on with me because they are not around me a lot to understand who it is I associate with and how it can be that I would speak to people in such a way. Besides, I don’t understand all of the time the things that they say and do either. So what one glove will fit a hand, the other will fit as well on the other.

Yet I knew all of this was going to happen as soon as the cell phone began to ring.

I’m sure by now, the gossip has spread amongst the rest of my family that I had done this. And that’s just too bad. They don’t have to like it.

And if people do not like the way that I speak or communicate with them, then they either need to make me aware of it in a kind and mature manner or they can walk away.

I am who I am, and not even the great confusion of family who grows an opinion of what they think I should do or say is going to change that. Everyone in my life is there for a purpose, and I love them for whatever purpose that may be.

I just knew that this was going to happen. So I pulled the biggest joke on my sister and her family that I ever had in years. And still was remaining true to myself and how I behave.

Still though, it was pretty funny!