Don’t Short Yourself On The Benefit

“One person can make a difference, and everyone should try.” ~ John F. Kennedy

I could have sworn on the life of my music collection that I had discussed this before but when I went back through the pages of history in this blog I could find nothing.

Strap in, hang on tight. Because with history comes action and with action comes consequence.

Let’s do this in steps because I’m not sure how long we’re going to be here:

1. HISTORY: Ever since the first time that  I moved to where I live currently back in early 2005, we’ve had our social services coordinator.

I’ve discussed that job position many times but had been talking about many people. However in late 2005 into early 2006, there was someone that was fresh out of college, fresh out of getting her degree in social work. Or at least, her license for social work.

Let’s face this ongoing fact: My neighbors then and still now, are old enough to remember World War II. And I can NOT recall the Vietnam War??

But what am I to do as a young adult with nobody around me or my age group?

When this new social services coordinator came into the job in late 2005… I thought I could choose her. NOT in the sense that I wanted to date her because I felt that would be crossing a boundary. But I just didn’t see any problems with doing something menial… you know, going to a movie, going shopping, taking in a meal. Whatever the case may be.

There was this little tiny thing that was in the way, and I had no idea it existed. Now in 2014, I call it the Book of the Devil. 2005 however, I didn’t know it at all.

Its the social worker’s Code of Ethics. (COE for this blog’s purposes.)

I had never heard of it. This social services coordinator was hiding behind it. And I kept getting shot down and I did not know why. Until one weekend I decided that I would search for this COE myself. I found it in a PDF and I opened it and started to read all of its pages.

It took hours. Practically the entire day of reading the “DO’s and DO NOT’s” of any person in the field of social work.

It was incredible. And if we’re being honest, a lot of it is FUBAR.

Although it did explain to me why this social services coordinator was being such a terrific butthead to me about wanting to go do something over the weekend and hang out.

At long last I had pushed this girl’s buttons too far and the words came out “If I am going to be your friend, then I cannot be your social worker.”

Touché. Game over too.

But hell at least at long last I had an answer. She also had other boundary issues where I would be myself, nice and complimentary, and she was taking it all in as harassment. Once someone else had mentioned that she had a pretty dress on. She said thanks to them, and THEN I said that I agreed. And five minutes later she took me into her office stating that what I had said about her dress was inappropriate?

Umm, what??

She didn’t last long at her job though. She quit and when people attempted to give her farewell gifts on her last day at work she turned down everyone and everything that was attempted to being handed to her. Destroying everyone’s feelings in the process in the name of the COE.

I have since grown a full-on hatred for the Code of Ethics that social workers must abide by.

The problem is that I am too friendly and too social of a person in my young adulthood for COE to be slammed down on my toe like a wall of denial. The COE and I do not click at all.

Now I get and understand that some social workers will have their own PERSONAL boundaries as well as the boundaries set within the COE. So I tend to believe that with each social worker it depends on personal boundaries as far as professional boundaries are concerned.

SITUATION IN CURRENT SPACE & TIME: Enter two more social worker interns for 2014. Almost ten years later after the nasty SNAFU that happened with someone with a social worker’s degree and some pretty high walls for their PERSONAL boundaries which led into their PROFESSIONAL boundaries.

I will not say much about them. They were here for a few sessions to hold a group for remembrance and now that area of time has passed.

But knowing it was going to be held by social worker interns, I hedged and attempted to stay far, far, far away from it all because of the ugly past that I did have. In the end I found myself going inside of the room and joining the first session/meeting so very very very late in the hour that they were going to be there. I had ideas of what it was SUPPOSED to be about however I would be proven to be very wrong.

So I stuck with it. But I was flighty for sure!

This group met once a week for an hour for a total of LESS than ten times.

So it really didn’t give a lot of people who wanted to participate a good deal of time to get settled in. As I had mentioned in the last meeting that things were just too short because we were just getting started. However, I had to keep in mind that these were college students, hired by an agency to do their internship.

Those two words stuck in my head though like flies on stink…. social worker. Even IF they were interns.

I backed off. I backed WAY off. Even though I put on appearances that I was there and I was participating. I ended up going because of a bit of a connection between the two interns. And that was fine. Because I knew based on the horrors of 2005 and 2006 that this connection soon to be severed and cut into shreds any ways.

The relationship DID have an ending and it was most definitely in sight. 

That’s the other thing….. dealing with relationships ending. It also caused me to sit back during that last meeting, refuse to eat, sweat like a hog, and keep as quiet as possible unless one of the interns had asked me a personal question.

I backed away from the group. Sat behind the couch with a pillow against my chest and stomach, clinging on to it for dear life.

I attempted not to make direct eye contact with either of the interns. But that quest failed miserably. The two of them were the kinds of people on this Earth that actually LOOKS at you while they are engaged in conversation. Me having my face to the floor would have been very obvious to them, and they would have definitely called me out on it.

Even more horror dripped across my sense of hearing as I heard someone else ask “Do you gals have Facebook?”

Ohhh GOD NO!! PLEASE NO!!

I stopped. I attempted to melt into the background. But I listened with great intent.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that the answer to the question of  “Can we friend you on Facebook?” is an emphatic NO. I know this!!!

After reading the Book of the Devil… its not allowed. My everything however turned and did a flip when I heard the two of them fumble and bumble like a comedy duo routine of whether or not they could add anyone to Facebook. Their final and official answer to the open question was “We’ll ask and find out. But do not get upset if the answer is no and we never hear from them again.”

Good show, ladies. Because I am calling BS on that one. They both knew the answer. And they both knew that the answer was NO. They knew that answer long before they started. But perhaps they will ask, if maybe only for the sake of knowing for sure that the answer is in fact NO. The only reason that the answer would become YES is if these two were to abandon their COE and come up with their own personal boundaries with regards to communication and socialization with anyone that was involved in the group.

THE PROBLEM FROM THE SITUATION: Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t call BS and I think that’s because I would WANT to be wrong. I just think that based on the horror and experience that I had as well as talking to other people in the social working field, its not going to happen. So right now, I’m not crying about it.

But I totally and completely robbed myself.

I think that people (even social workers) can agree that what happened to me many years ago was insanity and that the person back then did not handle the situation correctly at all.  However for me to take those memories and experiences and apply them to build a wall around me when I first go into this group meeting to fight against these two interns, was unfair both to them (as people) and to me because I was short changing myself from receiving the full benefit of the services that these two interns were actually offering.

But because of what happened in the past, I didn’t fully participate and therefore I didn’t fully take on everything that I could have. Even if there were professional and personal boundaries. I am aware of those. It doesn’t mean that I need to shoot myself about it because there is this belief that I need to avoid any and all situations where the COE would come in and just stop everything because whatever was going on and/or being said was crossing a boundary.

I was called gregarious today. After looking that word up, I totally agree. I am a very gregarious person. In fact, that’s going right next to being called a RENAISSANCE MAN by LFC. Hand in hand, you know????

And for me to be in a social situation where there’s a undefined boundary that can be sprung up in my face just is a major conflict with me.

Instead of attempting to avoid the landmines of life, I need to charge forward and attempt to receive anything and everything that life has to offer to me. These two interns, I had nothing personal against them. They were uber nice and kind. One of them reminded me of someone from my past that I had a serious crush on and currently working on getting past– but that’s okay. Its going to happen. And its definitely not her fault. 

I did learn my lesson though. I definitely cheated myself out of some thing. Whatever that some thing is, I will never know. Because I cheated myself out of it by stepping back and retreating based on experiences. That was definitely foolish!!!

And now there will be no second chances. No second guesses. No second tries.

Even though something is uncomfortable, never short change yourself out of any opportunities that may fall upon your path. Because you just never know.

I was successful in taking photographs of the group as a whole. And I got a few shots with the interns as well. It was something that I definitely felt that they were going to say NO to, but they didn’t. And that was their choice, not mine.

And I wrote down the URL to this blog for them and gave them my e-mail address. So they could be reading this, you never know.

Just don’t do what I have done and rob yourself of opportunity, benefit, and glory… just because something makes you feel uneasy or horrible. Step forward and march on strongly and you never know what will be the spoils of your victory in war.

12 March 2014: Beautiful Disturbance At Heart of Texas Rock Fest: Austin, TX- SXSW 2014

“It’s a good day to be alive!”~ Brenda Flores 

Another day, another venue, another show. Another way of viewing a set. 

Outdoors and on a pretty nice sized stage. 

It was pretty cool I thought. 

But I would take one hell of a beating for it. And that’s not to say that BEAUTIFUL DISTURBANCE did me in, but my travels to get back and forth did that to me. 

I think however that I am starting to get the hang of things and how they work around downtown that goes with what I can do, what I cannot do, and what I should and should not do.

For example. I should not go along 8th Street to find the northbound bus back home. That was a miserable, painful journey that had me going up AND DOWN hills that I could not keep total control in my wheelchair. 

Now I didn’t tip out or fall out of it or anything but holy smokes I almost wished I had. Then someone would have seen me on the ground and called for the paramedics. At least I would have had an urgent ride somewhere and it wasn’t on that stupid hill. 

The Heart of Texas Rock Fest however will go for the rest of the week. Its just that BEAUTIFUL DISTURBANCE had a hand in it this afternoon. 

Come hell or high water, I was going to do it. I was going to go. I didn’t care what the masses were saying. They are all dumb-dumb poo-poo heads. 

Yeah, that’s right. I said it. 

However let’s not take away from the musical mind-blowing that is the reason and purpose of my journey today into the elements. 

I’ve never seen them play outside before. I’m sure they’ve been to an outside venue before. I just haven’t seen them. I think that for SXSW 2013 they were on a rooftop somewhere. That had to be outside.

Seeing them all together again as they walked around like family was a really cool thing. Sometimes they would break up into twos but they were always together with one another.

I am not 100% sure if their set was the same set that the played a few days ago at the Dirty Dog Bar, but it sounded familiar. And I loved it. Even when they got to my favorite song! I didn’t give a crap who was watching and what they were saying because I was enjoying myself and that’s what this is all about. Enjoying music. Enjoying life THROUGH music. 

Its almost a religion because I follow so much music of different kinds. 

Brenda Flores caught me lip synching again. Oops. She drew out her hand and pointed in my direction and so I pointed back. When she finally broke her gaze, then I retracted my arm back. 

Its something that I do like about BEAUTIFUL DISTURBANCE. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from or what your background is, once they get to know you, they treat you like one of their own. The entire band knows that I love the song “Nearly Forgotten” so whenever its played. Sometimes, the eyes are on me! But they are coming from the stage. 

Auggie was tearing and ripping shit up as usual. I still contend that he’s a beast. He’s got this rocking new guitar that is out of this world. 

Auggie, please remember I said the above sentence when reach 114 years old. Thanks!!!!!! 

And even in the blustery wind, this band got up there on that stage and out of their comfort zone and still brought down the stage in a swirl of musical fire. 

I am glad to hear some new material being played live now as well as a few songs that are not AS new but still unreleased as far as recordings are concerned. 

All in all a great time and a great mix. And I am probably promised just the same in the next couple of days as I was today and the time before that. 

They are about to go on stage again as I write, but I had overdone things today. Especially with going to battle against 8th Street in downtown. Injuries to hands are a pain when you use a wheelchair. I know that I should get gloves. You don’t have to tell me that!! I’m working on a ride to get them. 

Gloves however would not have helped in this case as the street was so friggin’ steep for a wheelchair that it was ridiculous. And thus we have a very exhausted, sore, and hurt Dambreaker… but a happy and content Dambreaker. 

Thanks to BEAUTIFUL DISTURBANCE. I’ll see you VERY soon. 

When The Time Comes To Say Those Words You Hate To Say

“It feels right. But it’s emotional. Saying goodbye to anything you’ve done that long is hard.”~ Angela Ruggiero

The 28th of February, will be our social services coordinator’s last and final day of working with us here at the apartment complex where I live.

She had started to tell this to everyone on a one-on-one basis, knowing that the news was going to spread like wild fire.

She’s been with us for two years. And unfortunately for me, her leaving will be the fourth person who has come and taken over that office and that job and has eventually left.

One retired, one quit, one got fired. This one found a better job opportunity. And yet here I am in my numb state talking about it as it is just beyond midnight and will have the morning and part of the afternoon to see her at her work, in her office. Not really knowing what to say to her other than to wish her well in her future endeavors. But I am not one for typical responses. 

My neighbor tried to pin it on the fact that she’s this hot chick with long red hair. But that was established two years ago when she walked in the door for her first interview and I happened to see her walking up the sidewalk to enter into our community building. It was also established that she was married and had been for many years. And I just don’t play that game of home wrecking.

So for two years, I’ve done what I could to deal with that sort of thing and I believe that I have done my best not to let it get in the way of letting her do her job and whatever else she needed to do.

Yet when you are around someone five days a week, forty hours a week, one cannot help but develop some attachment. Even if its just simply being social and polite and acting like a caring human being. Yes I did find the long red hair attractive on her. No, I didn’t say or do anything really stupid in order to make her freak out or wanna report me to the police or her boss or whatever. I did say some snarky things but I knew that I had crossed a boundary by her reply of either “oh boy!!” or “oh dear!!” None of which had any permanent damage and yes, I was brave enough to tell her that I was sorry during times. And forgiveness was shortly followed. 

But here I am faced with a dilemma that is very much so a personal problem. The farewell. Or as the rest of you call it “The Goodbye Conversation” … even though I freakin’ HATE using that term. What is appropriate? But also what is not going to sound like a standard and cliché response?

With the new job that she took, it does sound like (for her) that it would be a step forward and an improvement. And honestly, we all should do that in our lives and careers. Step and move forward. But it does not sound like much of an opportunity that she would return for a visit any time soon. Much like the person before her. But the person before her actually retired, instead of going to a different job. So the former person has the time, the one who is leaving us today probably will not.

So I hope that soon, everything will be okay and that I won’t sound like an asshole when I am having my last conversation with her …. as a professional. Nobody can say for sure if I will ever have a conversation away from this property and as a person. I do believe however, that anything is possible. I just hope that the possible becomes a probable.

I spoke to a different professional today. I explained that her leaving us is like being in mourning. Those of us (like myself) who got close enough to her. And they said that I was right. Being in “mourning” just plain sucks.. there’s nothing else more to describe it. And I hope that the mourning period for this particular personal loss will not last long.

I am sure that I will write a follow-up blog soon, probably sometime this weekend. Wish me luck!!!!!!!!!

Full Spectrum: Part II- Mourning A Death

“Crying is cleansing. There’s a reason for tears, happiness or sadness.”~Dionne Warwick

Part Two as promised.

This morning when I woke up, a little more refreshed than usual. Feeling better and now that the fun was done, it was time to return… no matter how much I didn’t want to.

But I AM getting better with that feeling and wrestling with it.

I did shed a few tears because I was leaving Houston and leaving friends behind, but just for a brief moment.

I did not actually foresee that when I got off the bus, I would be greeted with the news of the death of a friend of mine. She died in the hospital the night before.

So today has been difficult. It feels like I have landed into a pile of shit that has me stuck all the way up to my knees after being up and above and beyond cloud nine.

This is the widow of El Jefe, who actually passed away a year and a half ago. The two of them had actually been married for over 40 years, nearly 50 before he died last April.

After that, she kind of gave up. She was so depressed. She got sick and was in the hospital this last week. But then when I had heard the stories about her having dreams about her husband telling her to “come home” I knew that the end was near, just not really sure when that would be.

It would be while I was in Houston celebrating with the family of Froth.

So I am heartbroken that my friend has gone. But I know full well that she’s no longer needing to give up. She’s no longer needing to deal with being sick or depressed.

She leaves behind five children and several grandchildren. And now I will go to be with her children as they were like elder siblings to me. Hell, even El Jefe when he was alive called me son.

So I’ve been from one end of life’s spectrum to the other. Its not the best experience to deal with, but I will find a way to cope and then remember the good times that were had. But I feel so bad for the children as they lost both parents in less than two years.

Revelations In Pain

“People’s minds are changed through observation and not through argument.”~Will Rogers

It has been a very wild past couple of days. I’m not bragging or anything. I am just saying its been quite an experience.

I’ve gone through some heartbreaking experiences. Things that I won’t go into detail about, but with every experience that I have had that are similar to what I just went through, there’s always been a rainbow at the end of the storm. And that rainbow is the knowledge of what I did wrong, what others did wrong, and how I attributed to what did go wrong.

So the other day I was speaking with someone and I was expressing my hurt, anguish, and disappointment.

Come to find out that my misery was coming from personal disappointment in other people. I had been placing far too much faith and trust in them, and they turned around and broke it by doing something stupid.

For anyone else, they probably would look at this case and think that these people that I put so much trust in, were complete idiots.

So then why did it hurt so much with great disappointment? Others were doing virtually the same thing, but it wasn’t as consequential as the previous group.

Then came in the revelation. The lesson important to life: The ones that we actually care about and love dearly, are the ones that hurt us the most.

Damn. That was deep!!

The ones that we care about the most, are the ones that hurt us.

Through my previous agony, I realized that this was spot on. The people that I loved, were hurting me the most. Why?? Because whatever they were thinking, they were wanting to “help” me or “protect” me. And therefore did and said some really stupid shit, in my opinion. Stupid enough to hurt my feelings to the core.

I’m becoming better and better at recognizing veils of pain and insults. I’m not saying that I am a professional, but I am getting better at detecting them.

And so those who were disappointing me were attempting to veil their harsh words.

The other thing that makes it true is the fact that when we regard certain people in such high esteem (or even place them up on that pedestal) then we crumble within when we find out that those who we regard so highly does something so low. We believe that they know better, and therefore wouldn’t do it. And then when they actually do it in our faces, your faith begins to shake, and in some cases begins to crack and fall apart.

But these are the same people that will actually hurt you because they care so much about you. Just as much as you care about them. Unless its unbalanced. Then you are just a stalker.

And besides…… if someone does something to you that was wrong, and you don’t care that much about them, it is not going to hurt as much. Why??? Because you do not care and will not take the time to allow your emotions to get tangled up in pain.

I’ve had these past few days to think about who has done what to me and why. And it just comes down to these two main points. That those who care about us the most are the ones who hurt us. And those who we care about the most, hurt us for what they often do.

Its a hard lesson. But I think it is an important lesson to learn.

Rubber And Glue

“All men’s misfortunes spring from their hatred of being alone.”~ Jean de la Bruyere

So you wanna talk about how much life stinks, eh? Vent a little bit about how it has been mistreating you and that it hasn’t been fair?

The world seems to hate your every move and decision and now you are being sorely punished for it and you don’t deserve it.

And it has been going on for months. Even a few years. Nothing is going right for you.

Worst of all, you’re wondering if there’s anything left to have faith in.

You are feeling a bit down in the dumps because women are hitting on you and they don’t seem to be interested in who you are, but rather what you have in your wallet and/or bank account. And it’s not fair.

You are feeling overwhelmed because men are wanting you so much and all they truly want is to get you in bed. And you are feeling like they are doing nothing but treating you like a piece of dirty meat. And it’s not fair.

And many, many other things that frustrate you and you don’t understand why you are continuing to feel so miserable.

Who can you blame? I mean, life wasn’t supposed to be like this. Or was it??

I have the answer to your blaming question:

The person in your mirror.

Ouch!! That had to hurt now didn’t it??

Don’t you remember the saying about when you point a finger at someone, you have other fingers pointing back at you? Remember that one? You probably didn’t think that it would ever apply to you.

Perhaps women wouldn’t be so into you and your bank account had you not taken a week and a half of bragging that you won the lottery or how you came into a bunch of money. And perhaps men wouldn’t be so into finding what you got going on in bed had you not screamed for over sixteen months that you were single and finally “free” from a relationship that you determined was bad for you,  and could now do whatever you wanted and you decided that it was time to live your life the way you wanted.

I’m not going to write again about how people just have their bad times and good times. Its ridiculous and boring by now to be coming from this blog. But when you refuse to take a look at yourself and find out just how you became so miserable and fail to accept that the things you have done in the past led you to it and only want to blame others, then that’s where the road ends.

Its about as juvenile of an action as quitting your job because your vehicle is out of gas. And about as sad as starving yourself to death because you’re house is empty of food.

Things break. Fix them!

I’m there for you. I will listen to you when you have bad days, and I will listen to you when you have awesome days. But when your misery multiplies because of your own actions and deeds… then there’s something called “reached a limit” with me. And that means that there’s nothing else that I can do but listen. And listening isn’t going to fix whatever issue you are having.

I literally closed the door on someone today because for the past ten days, I have been listening to them rant and vent about the  same problem that they are having in life. Ten straight days. And even though they have said that they felt better to get it off their chest, they didn’t go and fix the issue. So we’re right back where we started.

And for that person, all I can do is hope that they wake up and snap out of it and fix their issue in life. Once they do that, then they can move on in life happier. But I cannot do it for them. Only they can. And its sad to watch this crap going on through the window. But until then, I am rubber and they are glue.

If misery loves company, then I would much rather be alone.

Find the issue that is bothering you. Find out what exactly it is that is keeping you so miserable. Then fix it. Even if that means you have to fix yourself by changing yourself. Don’t play the blame game. Nobody wins at that!!

 

 

 

The Relationship Jigsaw Puzzle

“Trust takes years to build and only a second to shatter.”~ Unknown. 

Reader’s Request Blog Post.

Awesome! I love it when I hear from people and they request for me to talk about a certain subject. I’m always open to those kinds of ideas.

Over the course of two and a half days, I listened to someone talk about realtionships and their life. All of them. From romantic to friendships, both past and present.

I gave him the analogy of the jigsaw puzzle. Sometimes we never know what is truly there behind someone until we began to put the pieces together.

Much like trust, relationships fall under the same guidelines as to what will make or break them.

Sometimes, relationships end when one thing tragically strikes. Which was the case for this person that I spoke to. He said that he was completely crushed when he found out that someone who he had considered as a friend, was probably not at friend at all. He was also crushed at the fact when he admitted to seeing the signs, but chose to either make excuses for them or chose to ignore them.

But I think that it is true. We never really know who people are, especially on the inside until we’ve taken the long road to get to know them. And in most cases, it does take years to understand who they are, what they are like, and whether or not they are someone that we would prefer to keep in our lives. Each day brings another piece to the puzzle. This person said that he thought he saw a beautiful picture forming in this jigsaw puzzle that was his friendship with this other person, but as days and weeks and even a few years went on… he realized that there was more to the picture of the jigsaw puzzle and it was NOT something that he liked. So now he’s feeling stuck because of the fact that he had invested so much of his life with them and now finds himself in a position where he doesn’t like where things are going.

I believe that in one way or another, we all go through the same thing in life. We begin a common bond with someone based on what we see at the surface. But as things progress and we get to know one another, we get to a point where we have to make a decision of whether or not we want to continue on with that relationship. Especially when things become very unstable or rocky. And they almost always will at some point.

The only thing that I could advise him on, was either stay with it or walk away and never look back. Relationships are never perfect. We have to understand that. There’s just going to be those times in which those people will do or say something that displeases us. Then the choice is either walk away from them, or forgive them and either way you go the point is to be able to carry on…. with or without them.

It wasn’t easy for him to hear me tell him this at all. He’s afraid that if he continues on with the relationship, that he’ll just find more and more negativity about them and it would make him miserable. But on the other hand, he feels that if he walks away that his time with them was worthless and wasted. On top of the feelings of guilt and being alone because he made the choice to walk away and that they are no longer a consistent fixture in his life.

Indifference and inaction isn’t the answer either. It just causes more heartache.

People come into our lives. Sometimes people leave our lives. But they ARE there for a reason. If they are not meant to be there for a lifetime, then they won’t be. And no matter how hard we fight to keep them there, it only causes things to get worse.

I feel really bad for him because I’ve been in his shoes so many stinkin’ times in my own life. Sometimes I think about how I miss those who are no longer in my life. But I have to also remember that there is a reason for that. And usually for me, that keeps my sanity at a certain balance to remember the reasons WHY they are no longer there.

The dismissal and disconnect of a relationship is never easy. But once we purge ourselves of the things that are “bad” for us, the sooner we can live a healthier life.

As social I am, I really know how much it stinks to either lose someone or let someone go. But there’s really nothing more that I can do in some situations. I can either hang on to the relationship that has soured, and stew in the painfulness and HOPE for the best, OR I can let go.. experience the pain at the beginning, and then heal and move on.

Each person is different. Sometimes it doesn’t take a lot of time for a person to realize what the jigsaw puzzle is turning out to be. And for others, it sometimes takes the entire jigsaw puzzle to be put together and stand back and see what they have before they realize what it is.

I couldn’t tell this guy “You need to leave, then it will be better”, and neither could I say, “Hang in there, it will get better” because I honestly don’t know for him what is right and what it is he is willing to put up with and just deal with certain situations. And I couldn’t say where he’s going to go. I just hope and wish for him the best.

But what I can say for those who read this, is that we must do what is BEST for us. We have to survive in life and do what we need to, in order to continue on in this lifetime. Yes, a lot of times we come across situations where its not easy to make a decision but ultimately there will come a time where we will need to make one before we can move on in our lives. Whether right or wrong.

We are strong though. We’ll make it through.

 

Lessons Of Sorrow

I learned a lot today. Some things new, other things were more of a review.

This blog post comes unscripted, unplanned. And I will leave it up to the readers to decide whether or not it is good.

In trying to select an image for this blog post (once I decided that I would write it) I read a phrase. I don’t know if it is a quote from something specific or not.

“I can’t sleep because my pillow is all wet.”

The phrase clearly indicates that the person is crying in the middle of the night. And to be honest, I have been as well tonight. So I sit here in the silence of the dark, writing.

I have been living with a broken heart this evening. My lesson was that the past isn’t something that you can change. No amount of having the will or desire would ever change me into a super hero where I can turn back the hands of time and go back and FIX what would be that exact moment where my heart would begin to unravel.

And yet, there was something else that I would learn. Or at least remember about myself. And that lesson is the fact that I still have the capability to let go of my own hurt. More specifically, letting it go when I know that someone ELSE is hurting. And it is time for me to be that friend that they need because it is their time of sorrow, loss, and pain.

Right now in my life, there are a lot of other people who are hurting. They are lost, confused, sad, and don’t really know if the sun will ever rise again. It is my duty as a friend to be there for them in this stressful hour of need. And I know that I can be there for them and that I will be there for them. It is my duty as I took on the risk. My part of the bargain of maintaining what I have come to know as a friendship filled with love and compassion.

We’ve all been in the situation where we’ve heard about someone’s pain and we wished that we could just take it all away from them. But that magic pill hasn’t been invented as of yet. And until it is, it would just be better if we realize that we have to do the best to our abilities to sit down in silence, shut up, and listen to the cries of help.

One aspect of a friendship that I have learned through my own experiences is that “being there for someone” doesn’t necessarily mean you are there to give advice. “Being there” often means that you are listening to whatever problems your friends are having. Allowing them to say what is on their minds and in their hearts for the sake of them getting it off the chest and eventually work towards the healing process away from the current pain that they are experiencing.

I’ve gone through many times of being called on the telephone and the conversation lasted over an hour. And by the end of it, I’ve only said about a dozen words. Giving that person the opportunity to go through the motions and say what they need to say and having the thought process of what they are thinking outloud has always appeared to give that person some clarity in their confusing and frustrating world.

But no matter what whenever that person disconnected the telephone conversation has always been able to feel like they were starting to get back on their feet again. Because basically, all they needed was that attention for that time, without having the need for feedback or a sounding board.

That’s the kind of person that I am. Plain and simple.

I hate the fact that these people are hurting at the moment. I also hate the fact that there’s really nothing concrete that I can do. Other than listen.

I love my friends. And I am not a person who is shy to say it or admit it. Those who are really close to me know this about me. Because I tell them every chance that I get. Whether in times of rejoicing or in times of sorrow. This blog post just happens to be brought upon by a lot of people that I know who are experiencing sorrow. And should they call upon me again and again, I will remind them.

I have a very large reputation on the Internet for being this way. And so far, there’s never been any permanent damage from it. In fact, it is quite the opposite. When I have sacrificed whatever is going on in my life at that moment for the sake of someone’s heart who is breaking and I have listened? It has always turned out wonderfully in the end. Particularly for those who were previously drowning in sadness.

Again, that’s who I am.

I also believe that when the clouds are over us and we cannot see the silver lining, that we often forget that we are actually blessed with the fact that we have friends. Friends that we can depend on to be there for us in our need. Not so much that, but what is forgotten is the amount of friends that we have, that will support us. Friends that “have our backs”. Yeah sure, we call upon specific people because we know that we can rely on them. But there’s also those in whom we do not call upon. It doesn’t mean that they are not there sitting in our corner. It is something that is just simply forgotten because our minds are so concentrated on the fact that we are hurting.

I have no idea when all of this will end for everyone that I know specifically, who is hurting and is having a difficult time. I cannot tell the future nor read minds. But from what I have experienced personally- I’ve always come to a point where I have hit nothing but the bottom of the barrel, and still some how and in some way managed to reach the top again.

Those that I know who are down right now, will also reach the top. Each and every one of us has that capability.

Nobody said that life was easy. And then again, nobody said that we had to live our life alone.

But I surround those right now who are down, with the love from the bottom of my heart and I will open myself to them if they need me.

If we are able to do that, and not expect anything much in return (if anything at all), I believe that is the true definition of a friendship that has a foundation based on love, trust, and faith. 

 

To Battle One’s Urges

“But, truly, I have wept too much! The Dawns are heartbreaking. Every moon is atrocious and every sun bitter.”~ Arthur Rimbaud

The one thing that started out as an announcement of pleasant, much happier news turned into a 70 minute fiasco against my emotions, feelings, and thought process. No matter how I fought it to allow that person to say what they felt, and then move on, only found me sitting there listening to them hit the repeat button.

 

Harsh criticisms and negative thinking in a fiery abundance which totally surpassed the original content of my conversation which was the joyful news of something positive and happy that happened to me today.

 

I wondered if they were even considering what they were telling me over and over and over again. After all, at last check, I am still human.

 

The only thing to do, was to walk away. Which I did- abruptly.

 

Guess what that did? Made me worse of a bad guy. As I gained a distance between myself and my “mental punisher”, I don’t think that it was anything short of a miracle that I made it within the walls of my home without shedding a single tear.

 

In every new experience, I’m frequently reminded that there are people out there who seem totally incapable of seeing the good and vomit the bad. No matter what we do, we’ll never measure up to their levels of satisfaction to where they will ever see us in a brighter light.

 

Often we are faced with those who feel the compulsion to be mean and nasty. And they do so without regard of others.

 

Yes, it does hurt. And it hurts a lot.

 

And on the flip side of the topic, there those of us who always see the train at the end of the tunnel, rather than the rewarding light. We are never happy when we find that others are happier than we. And we allow it to bother us. When that happens- WE are the ones who become the mental punishers of others. Not because they deserve it, but because of our own petty insecurities that keeps us stuck in the quicksand of brutal and insufferable gloom.

 

I grew up hearing “treat others as you would want them to treat you”. A lot of the times, that just never happens. Whether we are the ones being attacked or we are on the other side, attacking other people.

 

Of course we want to be treated with kindness and love. But often… do we treat others with the same respect? There are those times in which I feel we need to stop and reflect within our own hearts and ask that question. If we are experiencing misery when other people are experiencing joy.. don’t we owe it to ourselves to ponder that question inwardly??

 

Funny how this pendulum swings so wide.

 

If we fight our urges to keep the bitterness and nasty away from those who are sharing with us a moment of their personal triumph and joy then perhaps we just might receive it in return when it is our turn to bask the glory.

 

Being shot down by those with whom we share our triumphs and personal victories always catch us off guard.

 

It is a horrible feeling to drop out of the sky like that because of someone’s response or reply or feedback.

 

There’s no real cure for it. We can’t avoid or change how other people may view things, but we CAN control how we are interacting with others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Reality Strikes

“Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.”~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

Three people were arrested and charged with murder in Alabama in the last week. The tale of the murder is very bloody and horrific.

 

But we hear about these kinds of stories all of the time in the news and on the Internet. So then why am I talking about a crime that happened in a place that I have never been to before? 

 

Reason: One of my friends lives there. It has become personal.

 

We hear about crimes happening all of the time. A murder happening somewhere in the country or something else that was so awful that it spread to nationwide news. Just in the past few days, Virginia Tech had another school shooting. It was not as tragic as the one several years ago, but it was in the news.

 

Still, it surrounds us. But we have become numb to the fact that these crimes are happening. Why? Because it was not something that was personal.

 

But it is personal to those who are involved.

 

This murder in Alabama happened, and three are in jail and awaiting court in the morning as I am told. The person who seems to have been responsible for the crime, is the best friend of someone whom I am friends with.

 

Nobody honestly pays attention, until some how it is related to you personally. Like I said, I wasn’t there. But that’s where my friend lives. And she’s most likely filled with the anguish of confusion, doubt, disbelief, and everything else that you can think of. Yet I don’t want to put words into her mouth or force different emotions upon her. The bottom line is that this cold reality has struck her and she is dealing with it. I wished I could help her.

 

The three who were arrested admitted to the crime. And now my friend believes that the one with whom she was close to, that is involved, won’t becoming back. As she said in her own words on the telephone with me just moments ago, “It’s like a death in the family.”

 

But there’s a lot of people that I am sure that has gone to her and offered their help. Being swarmed by people with promises of “if you ever need anything”, although helpful at times, probably is not what she is going to be needing from me as her friend.

 

Then again, I do not know exactly what she needs from me at this point. But whatever it is, I am confident that she will seek me out for it, and I will be there to the best of my own abilities to be there for her in that time.

 

The person who allegedly committed this crime was someone that she knew most intimately and personally. Spending time together with one another’s families. Being in one another’s homes and everything. I cannot imagine nor would I pretend to imagine just how lost and empty she feels right now. Nor this person’s mother and his family. Nor even the family of the victim. I can’t think of what ALL people involved in this horrible, horrible event are going through at the moment.

 

But my point is this: We tend to not give much of what we hear a second thought. But that all changes when things happen that hit so close to home. Especially if it directly hits home.

 

I find it amazing that’s how life will sometimes work.

 

I’ve not had this kind of life experience before. And even though I am not there, and I am not involved first-hand, it has been something that has struck me as well. Because I know that my friend is hurting badly right now.

 

Yet I hope that soon, I will be able to be there for my friend in the exact and precise way that she needs in order to help her get through this. I do not know what that will be. I will have to cross that bridge when I get to it.