Posts Tagged ‘joke’

“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.”~ Henry Ward Beecher 

I guess some drunk people just can’t take a joke sometimes. But I knew that eventually I was going to get into trouble some day.

Karaoke night. And the first thing that happened when I went through the front door was someone coming up to me asking if I was going to participate in singing karaoke. Of which I didn’t realize was going on.

Since I have done so in the past at that particular place, I agreed. Without skipping a beat, the person who was asking gave me a list of songs that I was banned from singing.

Banned.

Wow! Seriously? And they apparently were.

It was a list of pop songs with my name on it at the top a full page long of various songs that I have sung in the past and won their karaoke contests with in a landslide vote by bar patrons.

And now I’m banned from singing them ever again in that establishment. And one another has banned me from singing one pop song in particular. That is if I am wanting to be a part of their karaoke contests.

I never actually take their prizes. Usually its just free drinks or a free entree or whatever. And since I do not drink, I never use it. I always give it to someone else before I leave.

Okay, whatever. So this forced me to go through their “book” to find something to sing that I was comfortable with, and that I could work with in my vocal range.

I had one problem. One very huge problem. The book was full of country karaoke music.

But as I went through the book and worked towards the end, I saw something listed on a page that was familiar with me. It was written in the genre of country music too. Everyone who sang ahead of me were singing country.

So I selected the song, “Good Enough For Now” by none other than “Weird Al” Yankovic.

Since most of you have not been living under a rock, I do not have to explain who that is. But when you have a room full of people who are drinking tons of beer and enjoying country music, this selection was ripe with disaster. I just wouldn’t know it yet until I got settled on the stage.

I had a very tough act to follow. The guy who was singing before me, had brought his girlfriend up near the stage and he sang John Michael Montgomery’s version of the song, “I Swear”. To which brought her to tears and many people who watch this magical romantic moment.

How the heck am I going to dazzle a crowd in which the winner is chosen by applause and THAT kind of thing happens? There is just no beating that kind of act!!

I watched the crowd, and I selected two women that I would “sing to”. One extremely drunk, the other pretty wild, drunk, and dressed very slutty celebrating her 21st birthday. It was too easy to select the birthday girl for this rather amusing and funny gag.

I sang this song to the two women and I nearly was torn off the stage by them both. By the first for most of the song, and then by the second woman by the end of the song. Of which I might add was not a karaoke version. I had to sing along with the album version.

They should have realized that by the second line of the song, that this was all just a big joke.

One of them, I guess it might have been a husband or boyfriend was standing there with a beer rushed the stage and stuck his middle finger in my face and screaming with a resounding “Hey, fuck you buddy!!”. 

I kept singing. I moved away when I could but he would follow. But then when I turned my attention to the second girl (the birthday girl), he stopped. But then the second girl was throwing a fit and that was probably because she was embarrassed. She was just so awfully tempting to pick out because she was so loud and obnoxious and of course, drunk out of her mind.

I got yelled and screamed at for a while after I got off the stage A lot of people shouted their obscenities at me. Luckily nobody came after me and started a physical confrontation.

If you want to know why this caused such a problem, you can find the song on YouTube or you can Google search the lyrics.

The song came off of the album “Polka Party” which was released in October 1986. I thought for sure that many of these people would find the humor. I thought wrong. Maybe everyone in this crowd were born AFTER 1986? I don’t know.

I just know that if I am going to be “banned” from singing songs, and my hands are tied behind my back when everyone is doing country songs, I’m going to go at it in my own way. Which I did.

I even said during the musical solo into the microphone that it was just a joke. Nobody found it funny Except for a couple of people way in the back sitting at the bar who was laughing to themselves when they heard me singing the words to the song.

I wasn’t going to win. But then again I never planned to join the contest in the first place. I was just trying to get out of the house and have some fun and relax. This is probably no longer the place to do that any more.

I’m still trying to wrap around my mind of how they can “ban” me from singing specific songs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“If you don’t like the memories you have. Go out and make new ones.”

Every second Thursday of the month, the people of my apartment complex get together for a monthly resident meeting. It is then there decided that on every second TUESDAY of every month, we would go as a group on an outing to lunch.

This month’s selection: Cracker Barrel.

The last time that I went to the Cracker Barrel to eat, it was frought with bad experiences and horrible memories. But that was actually several years ago. I thought that by going today, I would have the opportunity to make a NEW memory to replace the bad ones. That, plus I wanted to get out of the house.

It would turn out to be the funniest thing so far in 2012.

Its raining today. I thought that it could be a bad omen. I was trying to keep hopeful. But as I pulled up the back of the group, I was greeted by the employees cheerfully and one woman ended up giving me a box of three crayons and something to write on with puzzles and mazes and what not. You know, those things that they give small children.

I was approached with, “The one lady at the head of the group told me to give this to you.” And she did so honestly, seriously, and with a smile.

So I thought, “Oh how funny! Someone is messing with me. I’m gonna run with it.”

And I did. When I finally got to the table I immediately opened the box of crayons and announced, “At least I have something to do while we wait for our food. YOU ALL have to sit there and be bored.” I proceeded to use the crayons and began coloring.

A few moments later, someone nearby wanted to see what I was doing. But I covered the paper just like in grade school with my entire arm to block their view of my “masterpiece”, telling them that nobody can see it until I was done.

They didn’t like that.

Too bad!!

And then when I found out exactly WHICH ONE of them it was that pulled this prank on me, I noticed she started to refer to me as “son”, in front of everyone. So then I turned around and asked her, “If I’m your son…. are you paying for my meal??”.

Half of the people at the table laughed.

Then I started over-emphasizing a lot of things and behaving as like a child. I was asking for chocolate milk, and I wanted my dessert first, and many, many times I said that I “had to go potty”. And that I wanted a bending straw in my beverage, and I didn’t want any vegetables. And so on.

The three crayons that I had were the colors of red, yellow, and blue. I improvised with them and came up with something a little special. When I was finished, I showed everyone at the table. They were impressed!!

Yes boys and girls, yellow and blue STILL make green. Who would’ve figured?!?!?!?!? So I was able to make green for the stem in this photo.

But I continued to milk the situation, as it were.

I didn’t do anything overly foolish like intentionally knock over my drink or drop something like that though. I had to draw a line into maturity.

So then I got up from the table and passed by the woman who had given me the crayons in the first place. She asked me if I had finished with my puzzles, and I just laughed and told her that I had, and I would come by later again to show her my work. To my surprise she said, “I’m looking forward to it.” All the while, keeping a straight face.

The general store inside the Cracker Barrel was filled with wonderful items. Especially dozens of stacks of patriotic items on numerous shelves. 

But as I’ve always said when it comes to these kinds of things, that I can’t be around them without adult supervision.

So difficult to withstand the temptation to get something. But I pressed on and returned the table. I grabbed the paper that I drew the rose upon and went and showed the woman.

The only “bad thing” that happened was that when I was moving towards the cashier, I got hit on the side of the neck with a serving tray by a waitress who wasn’t paying attention to what she was doing and where she was going.

Being at a certain altitude in a wheelchair, accidents like that almost always end up in weird places. I probably should have cried bloody foul and murder. At least that way, my meal could have been free. But the waitress was paranoid and more attentive to what she was doing after that, especially if she saw me moving around from place to place.

When I showed the woman what I had done, I got another surprise. She was so impressed with it that she asked if she could KEEP IT!!!

Wow.

And then in my abilities of being a smart ass, I asked “Would you like for me to autograph it as well?”, as I pulled a pen out from my shirt pocket. She agreed to that as well.

So there she had it. An original “masterpiece” complete with autograph. Done by Dambreaker with using only three crayons.

I got back to the table and I mentioned that I shouldn’t be left alone in that general store because there were so many things in there that I would want. One of the neighbors asked me, “Did you bring your credit card?”.

I replied, “UNFORTUNATELY…. yes.”

Then the food came. And I didn’t think it was too terrible. But I didn’t eat a whole lot because I had stuffed myself with breakfast tacos only an hour and a half before. But it still was very good indeed.

When we were finished, the cashier’s table is inside that blasted general store. And I began to look around more seriously. Still wanting all of these really awesome and cool things. I grabbed a shirt that I liked, but when I saw that the price was $39.99 …. that was the end of that!! Holy crap. It was a t-shirt for crying outloud.

I found something else and I was looking for a price tag. I think it was cheaper, and then I was looking for my size, but the collective group that I was with starting making their way through the exit doors and I had no more time to find a shirt that was my size.

The lady that was working in there, kept working on me the entire time, trying to get me to buy something. She was close. But I shrugged at her as if I had the last laugh on the situation. Thinking that it was over. And as I was going through the doors I heard her say behind me, “Well, you’re just gonna have to come back. Have a great afternoon!!”.

Dang it!!!!!!!

But still, with the paper and crayons and being told that I needed to have it. And then me just taking it all in stride and running with it beyond what the original prank was intended for, made it the funniest thing that has ever happened so far in 2012.

I crack jokes, pull pranks, and make people smile. And yes, people do it to me too. But warning: I can get very crafty and devious if I decided to ONE UP you on your prank.

 

 

 

“He’s going to have to understand that the minister is not giving him options from a menu.”

This is making a splash on Facebook at the moment, so I might as well share it here as well.

A little while ago, I ended up crossing paths with a woman that I had dated. She was bold in telling me that she was getting married to the man that she is now currently with. Deep down, I thought “Why would I care?”, but what came out was “Well good for you!”.

So then she began to tell me how funny this man is, and he keeps her cracking up. But then she began to go into comparisons between him and I. Clearly, she would always give him the advantage.

As I began to attempt to bring the conversation to a close… just to get her to shut up… she began to forcefully insist that I get them something for the wedding, that way, “I” didn’t look bad.

I told her that I would pass on the idea and she became furious, demanding I tell her why. (And she wonders why I broke up with her?). I told her that I wasn’t going to get a gift for a wedding that I was not invited to, and before she thought about it, I didn’t want to be invited either.

As insistant and bitchy as she was, I finally asked her what her address was. Apparently, that was a satisfactory response. And then I told her that I would send something.

Later that evening, I went to the store and bought some stamps. My gift for them was going to be sent in the mail.

What was my gift, you wonder?? I sent the soon-to-be husband: A sympathy card. Complete with my condolences and a written prayer. (I will call him ‘Jim’.)

“Dear Jim, congratulations! And my complete condolences to you for what you are about to endure. Oh Lord, forgive him for he knows not what he does.”

A couple of days after I sent that in the mail, I get an e-mail from Jim. I figured that he was going to just scream and fuss and everything like that. But instead, he invited me to lunch so that “we could talk”.

I declined his invitation. He wanted to know why I sent a sympathy card and wondered if there was something to know about his soon-to-be bride that I knew, that he did not.

He was confused. She on the other hand, was pissed off!!!

He asked if I had any advice for him as he enters into this union with her. He wanted to know what the relationship was like between her and I. But that’s our business, not his. The same as it is none of my business what they do together.

But the only thing that I told him was that “when the minister asks ‘for richer or for poorer, for better or worse’, that the minister was not giving him options for him to choose from.

And that’s when I heard from her again today with her screaming and yelling at me in ALL CAPS. The e-mail address from her was blocked as I laughed my butt off.

After all that talk that she thought her man was hilarious and had a greater sense of humor, I figured they would get a kick out of it. But no.

So anyways, I do feel bad for the guy. Having to live a life with her like that. I told someone on Facebook that a rimshot needed to be struck as soon as he says, “I do.”

 

“Now I may be an idiot, but there’s one thing I am not sir, and that sir, is an idiot.”~Peter Griffin in “Family Guy”.

This story is too funny not to share, I think.

I went out to dinner a few nights ago with my sister and her family. For whatever reason, there was a spike in activity upon my cell phone with text messages from sea to shining sea. Why exactly at that point, I’ll never know.

So as we’re driving along and trying to find a restaurant that was not closed, these flurries of text messages were coming in. Finally, when we selected one place to eat and we were getting out of the vehicle, my cell phone began to ring. I knew exactly who it was without the need to look at my phone. And I said to myself, “Ohh this will be good!”.

I didn’t begin with the opening salutation with the common response. I did not say, “hello?”, I did not say, “hey there!?”.

I answered the phone with “Hey baby!!”. My sister almost had an immediate reaction with confusion piled on with intrigue. Her husband started laughing because he doesn’t hear me talking like that a lot.

I said to the person on the other line that I was with family, having dinner and that I would call her back later. Then my ending salutation was “Love you!!”. And I hung up.

By this time, my sister went into 20,000 questions mode. Her husband still laughing and yet curious as to why in the world I would talk like that. The rest of the night, the two of them kept on and on. Relentlessly asking questions about who it was that I was talking to. I only had answered one question and that was whether or not the person I was speaking with, was my girlfriend. No, she isn’t my girlfriend.

I think that only fueled their curious nature and definitely confused them. Why in the hell would I say that to someone who wasn’t my girlfriend??

I LOVED IT! I gave a text message to the one who had called me and was laughing about it, explaining that I had given them “shock & awe”. But my female friend is used to that kind of banter and talk coming from me. We’ve been friends for years now.

I am just the kind of guy that will tell my friends that I do love them. At least those whom I know will be able to handle such a sentiment without having to Google it, and trying to define what it is I am saying to them or insinuating that the intimate expression is implied with more meaning than its face value that I am offering. Although to be fair, I don’t always use the endearing term, “baby” with them a lot either. Once again, something of banter and I know she’s used to it and doesn’t go overboard taking it too much to heart.

I realized that for one, my sister and her family don’t really know too much about what’s going on with me because they are not around me a lot to understand who it is I associate with and how it can be that I would speak to people in such a way. Besides, I don’t understand all of the time the things that they say and do either. So what one glove will fit a hand, the other will fit as well on the other.

Yet I knew all of this was going to happen as soon as the cell phone began to ring.

I’m sure by now, the gossip has spread amongst the rest of my family that I had done this. And that’s just too bad. They don’t have to like it.

And if people do not like the way that I speak or communicate with them, then they either need to make me aware of it in a kind and mature manner or they can walk away.

I am who I am, and not even the great confusion of family who grows an opinion of what they think I should do or say is going to change that. Everyone in my life is there for a purpose, and I love them for whatever purpose that may be.

I just knew that this was going to happen. So I pulled the biggest joke on my sister and her family that I ever had in years. And still was remaining true to myself and how I behave.

Still though, it was pretty funny!