Five Years Of Freedom

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”~ Nelson Mandela

Five years. Seems like a lifetime ago already. A moment marked in life that is significant to nobody else in the entire world, but me.

The 30th of September in the year 2008, was the long yet almost simple journey to my personal freedoms from a relationship with a woman whom I had no longer feelings for, and had also feared for my own life. And with good reason.

After surviving in a place with no outlet, no freedoms of my own, no voice, no opinion, and existing as nothing but someone on the arm of a woman who happened to be a few years older than I, eight months of that mental prison and it came down to this day where I left without saying a word, without giving any sort of clue that I was leaving, nothing.

I just up and left.

After being ignored to my feelings, thoughts, and wishes of what was to be “OUR HOME” between my last girlfriend and I, The relationship and all of its connecting parts had breathed its last breath. From that point on, I knew that there was nothing in the world that I could say or do within my own powers to make her change her mind or even consider changing her mind on how she lived her life and/or behaved.

Two separate ships sailing away from each other in the same ocean. One sinking, the other one sailing in circles.

I had proven to my family, myself, and to anyone else in the world that CHANGE is still possible. You just have to want it bad enough to do something about it. And then actually DO it in order to get it.

I had actually cried over the telephone when speaking with my elder brother and the sounds of my tears and frustration and sorrow really struck a nerve with him. Within one month, a plan had been put together by my family to help me escape my dark and lonely existence in a place where I was thousands of miles from anyone who honestly and truly cared about who I was and how I felt.

Even to the point after confessing my sadness to my family where my girlfriend would once come home from work after having a seriously bad day, not wanting to cook and wanting to go out to eat so that we were fed. When it was explained to her that there was no money to go out, she began to unravel from within. As she began cooking preparations with kitchen utensils that belonged to my departed mother, she came after me when I told her one last time that we were NOT going out to eat for that evening, and she had to cook if she wanted to eat. Deflating her efforts to plunge that kitchen knife into my chest cavity and ending up with her sobbing and shouting her words of hatred towards me.

One week before (on the 23rd) the plan was explained to me. And I had to be able to keep things quiet and not let anyone on to anything for seven full days.

My elder brother coming up from the south all the way up into Rhode Island to basically grab me and send me out of the trap of a household, all while the girlfriend had made her daily route to her job. I left in the early morning hours of that day, dropped the key in the mailbox, said farewell to the two cats that she owned and never looked back as my brother and I cruised down the Interstate which lead us to the airport in Providence, Rhode Island.

I had made the decision to return to Texas with the lessons learned in my brain. My sister picking me up at the Austin airport and I lived with her family for six months before I returned back to the same apartment that I had lived in before… to this day, is being said is still a miracle that I would return back to the same unit. But here I am.

Leaving the girlfriend in a confused state of mind, when she realized I had left with no real explanation left behind. Only that I was leaving and that I was finished with the relationship. The lengthy, four paged written “Dear John” letter that was scribbled on a legal pad would be mailed to her from a neutral location so she was unable to track my whereabouts.

All because she swung a knife. (And the confusing tale on my family’s behalf of whether or not her family still had ties to the New England mafia. In which they honestly did not. She just had a relative that was born by the seed of the head of the mafia many moons ago, a great aunt who had been dead for a few years by that point in time. My family still were confused though for whatever reason.)

Starting over with very little of my own possessions and only a few important documents and momentos, beginning at the ground level all over again.

Its been a hard road as I have not recovered in that aspect. But in these five years I have matured, I have learned, and I have gained MORE than what I had BEFORE I entered into that ill-fated relationship. And yet to this day I find life to be more satisfying without the things that I had, compared to having that knife actually plunged into my thorax.

Yes… there are a lot of times where I stop and think about where I may have placed something, wondering why I cannot find it. Only to finally remember that it was not brought with me in the Great Exodus. And I must somehow deal without. I think that for the most part, I honestly cannot complain about material things too much. For the other things that I have gained in my life in the past five years is, as the saying goes, more precious than silver or gold. 

Its not where I thought I would see myself in the year 2013, but it is far better than the ultimate and other option of being six feet under.

I now have friends that surround me with love and TRUE care when I visit Houston. And I also have those who will in silence, support me in whatever I do, which is a great span from California to Canada to Florida and New York and over across to France, Norway, Germany, New Zealand, and Russia. And the one thing that lights up my day about them all is that had I stayed with the girlfriend, these relationships would have never blossomed into anything at all if she was still around. I would not be friends with ANY of those of whom I speak of here. Because that’s the kind of person that she was. SHE had to be the one and only #1 person.

I have been without a romantic relationship since in my personal life. And some how, some way, I continue to breathe every day. I sleep at night and rise in the morning, and nothing becomes frozen over. And yes, it does get lonely and often times I wished I had someone to share my day and my night with. But if that is to happen for me in my life, then it will come at the proper time.

But until then, I can be eternally grateful that I have a family who was loving me enough through the stupid mistakes that I made during that relationship, so much that they still helped me when I called for help. I can be eternally grateful for those that are “new” in my life, and have been so positive and promising for me. And those are the people that will never stray from my life.

People come and people go, but they are the ones that remain. 

So here I am in 2013, a few years older. A few more grey hairs. Lots of time to think. And lots of time to learn how to truly live.

For those of you who ARE in my life (and you know who you are) I LOVE YOU. And I always will.

Five years since I started this new journey, and we’ve still yet to come to the end of the road.

 

 

 

 

 

To Battle One’s Urges

“But, truly, I have wept too much! The Dawns are heartbreaking. Every moon is atrocious and every sun bitter.”~ Arthur Rimbaud

The one thing that started out as an announcement of pleasant, much happier news turned into a 70 minute fiasco against my emotions, feelings, and thought process. No matter how I fought it to allow that person to say what they felt, and then move on, only found me sitting there listening to them hit the repeat button.

 

Harsh criticisms and negative thinking in a fiery abundance which totally surpassed the original content of my conversation which was the joyful news of something positive and happy that happened to me today.

 

I wondered if they were even considering what they were telling me over and over and over again. After all, at last check, I am still human.

 

The only thing to do, was to walk away. Which I did- abruptly.

 

Guess what that did? Made me worse of a bad guy. As I gained a distance between myself and my “mental punisher”, I don’t think that it was anything short of a miracle that I made it within the walls of my home without shedding a single tear.

 

In every new experience, I’m frequently reminded that there are people out there who seem totally incapable of seeing the good and vomit the bad. No matter what we do, we’ll never measure up to their levels of satisfaction to where they will ever see us in a brighter light.

 

Often we are faced with those who feel the compulsion to be mean and nasty. And they do so without regard of others.

 

Yes, it does hurt. And it hurts a lot.

 

And on the flip side of the topic, there those of us who always see the train at the end of the tunnel, rather than the rewarding light. We are never happy when we find that others are happier than we. And we allow it to bother us. When that happens- WE are the ones who become the mental punishers of others. Not because they deserve it, but because of our own petty insecurities that keeps us stuck in the quicksand of brutal and insufferable gloom.

 

I grew up hearing “treat others as you would want them to treat you”. A lot of the times, that just never happens. Whether we are the ones being attacked or we are on the other side, attacking other people.

 

Of course we want to be treated with kindness and love. But often… do we treat others with the same respect? There are those times in which I feel we need to stop and reflect within our own hearts and ask that question. If we are experiencing misery when other people are experiencing joy.. don’t we owe it to ourselves to ponder that question inwardly??

 

Funny how this pendulum swings so wide.

 

If we fight our urges to keep the bitterness and nasty away from those who are sharing with us a moment of their personal triumph and joy then perhaps we just might receive it in return when it is our turn to bask the glory.

 

Being shot down by those with whom we share our triumphs and personal victories always catch us off guard.

 

It is a horrible feeling to drop out of the sky like that because of someone’s response or reply or feedback.

 

There’s no real cure for it. We can’t avoid or change how other people may view things, but we CAN control how we are interacting with others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Breaking Free

“I have learned to like myself for the first time and to have some serenity. ~Keith Miller

 

So I decieded that I would tell the story first about my funny experience with a Chinese restaurant first before I posted this blog. Hopefully, someone is getting a really good laugh.

 

But none of that would’ve been posted at all, had I not taken a break for myself this afternoon and left home for a while.

 

I decided that enough was enough and I needed to break free from what I am calling “daily chaos”. (Thanks to romance author Jessica Trapp, and her idea to classify it as such as I had a wonderful and fun phone conversation with her this evening.)

 

But I needed to get to a place where it was accessible for me, as well as peaceful as possible. I chose the Chinese restaurant that is nearby. Its tucked away in a corner. Some people miss it and don’t even know its there.

 

So I took off in the light misty weather. It had been raining all morning. And it is supposed to rain all weekend long. Knowing the drought that we suffered during the summer, I didn’t care much about the rain at all.

 

I went in and was seated at a table similarly described in my previous post. But this was right in front of a flat screen television. I ordered and sat patiently. What I found very funny is that the waitress kept saying repeatedly that she was going to turn it on, and she didn’t for a while, eventually though she kept her word.

 

Looking out the window at the cold, wet earth that was there is when I began to ponder deeply. I truly have had a terrible year in 2011. But there definitely is a silver lining to the clouds: I’m alive and I’m well.

 

Can’t beat that!!

 

I knew that even though I wasn’t able to get TOO far away from home, that it was the best that I could do and I did make the best of it. And when I returned home, I felt more calm. More relaxed.

 

I think that we all should have our places of serenity, whether it is a trip to the beach or a drive up into the mountains. I think that all people should have their little “getaways from the chaos of life”.

 

Being that able or that strong to do that, only helps our mental status and we can just simply relax and “reboot” if you will, our lives and come out of it smelling like roses and ready to face the daily challenges.

 

I do not know if I will go back to the same Chinese restaurant again, the next time I just “wanna get away”. Even though it was pretty quiet. There wasn’t a lot of people there.

 

The waitress is cute, but I recall the last time I was there someone was talking with her and she mentioned she had a millionaire boyfriend who lived in Dallas. So that was out!

 

Having that time though to destress allows me to think: One day, it will happen.

 

Since then, the evening has gone well. Aside from the fact that I realized that there is just NOTHING on television during December. Kinda sucks not having cable or satellite. But I abide.

 

So yet another day in December comes to a close. Another day closer to the 2012 year. And that excites me. And I know that eventually soon here, I will have 5,000 total views to this blog. And that too excites me. Before I began to write this post, I was sitting at 4,999!

 

Either someone will have read something by the time this is posted. OR someone will read THIS post and make it 5,000. But still the same- I am grateful and humbled for all of the views that I’ve received in this short period of time. And I’m definitely thankful to all of my subscribers and followers now here to this blog.

 

I keep joking with myself with that quote from the show “Seinfeld” where the father of George was screaming “SERENITY NOW!!”. I could’ve titled this post that, but ehhh…

 

At least for now, I’m calm and at some level of peace. The rain will continue throughout the weekend. I’ll miss sledge hockey practice  this weekend due to the Mercedes-Benz incident. But I’ll be ready to go in January for that. I’ll be cheering on Team USA as they battle Team Canada for the GOLD in the 2011 World Sledge Hockey Challenge up there in Calgary.

 

I’ll probably sleep in. Do some other stuff and just shake off the bullshit of daily living and be happy. And I hope that you find your place of serenity as well.

 

2011 sucks. Yes I can complain and yes I have complained. But things ARE definitely getting better. Just one day at a time.

 

 

Deeper Impact

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion”~ Dalai Lama

Tonight, I was totally impacted by a conversation that I had with an old school mate of mine.

She spoke of my kindness and honesty that she has seen recently, as well as from what she remembers back in high school.

And then she told me something that I never knew. Something that was so profound and significant, that flattery could never be the word for it.

She told me of one day while in high school she felt depressed and alone. She had recalled that she had seen me talking to someone in the hallway of the school and when I saw her, I said something to her that made her laugh. Suddenly, she did not feel depressed any more.

Because this happened many, many years ago, I have no recollection of the conversation. Neither does she. But she said that she thought of that moment for many years and how important it had made her feel that I would make her laugh. The memory is faded, but the feelings that were brought on by it are still felt by her today.

I had no idea until today, that she had been so deeply depressed that she was contemplating suicide. But because I had made her feel important, she did not go through with it. My decision to make her laugh caused a big enough impact on her life that she chose to live, rather than end her life.

When I heard this, I did not know what to say. I did not know how to feel. Is it possible that I could say that “I saved a life”? Would it be selfish and egotistical for me to say that? And why would she even feel that depressed at that moment in her life that she would want to end it? When I had heard about this, “I” was impacted.

The deep and meaningful impact and impressions that we have upon other people actually do happen on a daily basis. It is just that we are not told a lot of the times about these things and so we go on living our lives, not thinking that we are that impressioned person to which caused another person joy or happiness.

Just a few days ago, I was speaking to a new friend of mine, whom we had met through a mutual best friend. She and I both agreed that the person we had in common with, has greatly impacted both of our lives in such wonderous ways that we both in our own minds and in our own lives, are filled with love, appreciation, and gratitude for them.

I asked them, “Have you told her this? Have you told her how much she means to you?”. They had not, but they thought that it was an intelligent idea to do so. So I understand that they are seeking their feelings to find just the right words to say.

It is my firm and personal belief that we has human beings have personal influences in which we know that others are making such a difference in our lives. Those who are always there for us when we are down, and those who help us see the light at the end of the tunnel when we are jammed in the fog.

And therefore, we should be able to share with those who make us happy. We should tell them how wonderful we believe they are in our lives. To show our love and appreciation for all that they have done. Even if it is just a simple comment of “thank you”. I believe that if we do this, the relationship bonds will grow stronger amongst us. And we should not fear that. Why would we even think to fear our friends? We should let them know just how we feel. We should be secure in telling them because they ARE our friends and loved ones, that they would never shun us for our feelings.

How are we to know how others feel about us or how are they to know how we feel about them, if we do not say something?

I do not know what would have happened if that class mate of mine would have said something back then. All I know is that I am glad she said something now. Back then, I was unable to establish a friendship with her. But maybe now I will have my chance.

And I know that for me, I will be sharing more of my feelings with those whom I love and care for, because they deserve to know. How else would anyone survive on this Earth if they are never told what they mean to someone?

I would have to say that I have not changed much in that aspect today as I was in high school. Perhaps maybe I have become more in tune with it. But I am so glad that my class mate is with us today, and she did not kill herself back then.

So remember to keep those in mind who impact your lives. Share with them how you feel when they are there for you. Tell them “thank you”. And do what you can to keep your bonds of your relationships that much stronger.