German Speaking Woman

Dear German Speaking Woman who was on the bus over the weekend:

I have to say that the moment that I spotted you that you were quite attractive. But I didn’t really want to say anything to you because … who wants to be approached like that while sitting on a city bus?

And perhaps I was surprised by you as you were by me. But nobody can say for sure. I was not expecting you to answer your cell phone in German.

And I’m pretty damned sure that you were not expecting me to talk to you in response in German. If at all.

I honestly did not mean to startle you, if I am going to be honest. But I do speak over fifteen languages. None of which are really fluent.

I hope that you weren’t cold while riding the bus because I did see you shiver a little bit when I spoke. I’m sorry that I did not have a coat or jacket to cover you with, if you were cold.

How’s your right ankle by the way? I saw you twist it like a mofo when you rang for the bell to get the bus to stop and attempt to exit off of the bus. That really did look like it hurt.

By the way, you may want to check with your physician about other problems as well. Perhaps you could get answers as to why you became so incontinent when you stood up to run off the bus like that. You left quite the trail behind you, and the seat you were upon, it looked like a grease stain inside of an auto garage.

Any ways, I hope you are doing well and I hope to see you again soon. Perhaps I’ll try again…. this next time in English.

Auf weidersehen.

Captain Red Pen

This morning I found myself involved in reading an article online that was talking about a specific interest of mine that dealt with a few people that I know by name.

I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I know these people personally, but I have traded correspondence with them in many different times.

And as I was sitting there happily with the opportunity to learn more about these people, the flow of the article had a hiccup as I noticed a typo.

Then it happened again. Another typo. And then another. Then another. Then another.

Five, six, even seven times that I recall with these grammatical errors that kept happening.

It obviously wasn’t just a simple typo. Apparently the conjugation of the word “debut” was tripping the author up pretty bad.

Or at least it was tripping me up from being able to read it with comfort and pleasure.

And I understand that everyone on the planet is going to slip and have some kind of error once in a while. Some more frequently than others.

The joy suddenly was gone. It had vanished. The thought of getting to know someone by this article was washed over by the insurmountable number of writing errors. Like I said, it wasn’t a typo… like typing the wrong key on the keyboard next to the appropriate one by mistake. This was horrible grammar and bad language skills.

It was then that I thought about introducing an alter ego.

CAPTAIN RED PEN

Able to catch and mark errors in a single stroke!!!!

Although I am pretty sure that Captain Red Pen would not be a beloved character for any comic or book or story. As a matter of fact, I kind of believe that Captain Red Pen would be somewhat hated and loathed. Hated by those who suffer under the indictment of the American education system and/or their lack of simply trying during their education. 

A mistake is one thing. A full article of them is another. And it just takes away from the message that the author was trying to put across to their readers and makes them shake their head thinking about things other than what they were just reading about.

But how do you feel about it? Do you find it helpful or just annoying when people come to you and point out a mistake that you made?

I am kind of on the fence about it. I get really frustrated when things like the events of this morning happen. But then again if I was to be writing on something that was really important, I would want to know if there was something that was needing correction.

One thing is for sure about me, reading the constant error of the word “DEFINATELY” really just sets fires to my bushes!!!

D-E-F-I-N-I-T-E-L-Y

Not definately. And not defianetly.

So I may just mull around the idea of Captain Red Pen coming to life. I’m sure that we’ve all had a moment or two in life where we really wanted our own red pens to come to the surface. Some of us has had the courage to use it, others have not.

What do you think? Tell me in the comments below.

 

 

 

Administrative Professionals Day?

“When things haven’t gone well for you, call in a secretary or a staff man and chew him out. You will sleep better and they will appreciate the attention.” U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson

Happy Secretary’s Day!

But wait, its Administrative Professionals Day? What the heck?!? What’s the difference?

The difference is that there’s more to say than the word secretary.

The gorilla shaped idiots who thought of political correctness said that it is better and more legal to say administrative professional than secretary.

I think that political correctness is the biggest joke since the time that people have been inquiring as to why the chicken crossed the road.

The English language was just fine without political correctness!!! Granted there may or may not have been a few terms that would threaten a person’s individuality by offending their gender or whatever, but secretary is not a word that is offensive at all!

How in the world is the word library offensive? Now its an educational resource center. GIMME A BREAK!!! We already know that the resources inside of a library are educational.

Even in my own world, other people believe that it is better to use different terms rather than use the term physically handicapped. I am NOT “differently abled”!!!!!!!

So you see the only thing that political correctness does, is make you have to say more words to describe something that had a perfectly good definition in the first place that could be defined in a word.

But still no matter what they call them, today is the day to celebrate those who help out all day long in the work place.

If you want to a see a list of ridiculous changes by the politically correct movement, it can be found in the link below. As well as a few humorous examples between the sexes.

http://www.bored.com/pcphrases/

Lust In Translation

“Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long…..”~ Jess C. Scott

In November of 2010, I added a woman from Brazil to my Facebook friends. After doing so, I checked out her profile and saw that nothing was in English. Not even in Spanish. I would find out that the language spoken in the country of Brazil, is actually Portuguese.

A language that I don’t speak. But I was told that Portuguese is “like Spanish but spoken with a French accent.” So when I began to talk with this woman, I could see how some of the words and phrases were similar to Spanish and some of it, I could understand on my own. The rest of it, I had to run to any and all translation websites available in order to keep up with her in the conversation.

How quickly the tone of the conversation would change to what one may consider a more mature and adult conversation. At first, I was not sure whether or not I should continue to talk about the subject with her. However, I did think that she and I were adults and that it was possible to discuss such matters AS adults.

Before I knew it, she would ask questions about what I prefer to do in the bedroom behind closed doors. So in thinking that this could be discussed maturely, I did answer any of her questions that she had. But still, since there was a huge language barrier, and we all know that translation websites are NOT 100% accurate… I think this either freaked her out or she didn’t understand what I was trying to say, and she became confused.

And then, POOF!! Gone.

It left me with a bunch of cognitive distortions of what I might have said wrong, or if the translation into Portuguese was way off.

But then a few days later, (or I should say nights) the conversation came up again. This time more intimate. So then I thought that why should I answer these questions and just let her go on with knowing these things about me. I turned the questions around on her and had her answer some of her own seedy inquiries.

POOF!! Gone.

Whiskey.Tango. Foxtrot, over.

Then there would be nothing from her for weeks, months. And so then she would appear again. And of course I continue where we had sort of left off.

Good grief, I get the almighty cockblock from her. Even after several different conversations with her. It was like she wanted to know about my intimate life and asking specific questions and then just as day breaks, she gives off the “I don’t want to talk about that. I cannot talk about that.”

That is pretty stupid to set the tone and then flip it over on someone without notice. I really hate it when people do that to me. I am who I am and I talk the way that I talk, because that IS me. If you start off with a more adult attitude and then want to flee? Then perhaps you should just go away. If you don’t want to talk about mature subject matter, then speak up at the beginning.

I didn’t speak to her for months and months after that. I honestly was not thrilled from her behavior. Any communication just dropped because #1- the translations from English into Portuguese were obviously wrong and causing problems and #2- I got tired of her talking about intimacy and sex in one minute and then the next having to be told “I can’t.”

Never through any of our conversations did she ask about what I like, what my interests are, what I do, and so forth. It was always something intimate and personal.

During that several month hiatus, I finally… finally… finally caught on to something.

'She would ask questions of intimacy and sex. But when I asked her the same- she would disappear.'

Our conversations in Facebook would always take place at night. With her being 2 hours ahead of me in a different time zone, it would be REAL late at night for her. So she’s up in the middle of the night, talking sex. Any other conversation that might have taken place during the day, was short and brief and always would have to put up with “POOF!!! Gone.” a lot sooner.

So the communication has been next to nothing. Up until I posted that “pass/fail” photo of me on Facebook. In which she did click “like”. I knew that she would not understand the phrase of “pass/fail”, so I asked her what she thought about the photo.

I would just receive another exchange of “you’re so handsome and attractive”.

I don’t hear that a lot from women, at all. I simply don’t. So when I DO hear it, I pay attention. But I think that I’ve paid too much with this woman.

And then after that, I posted a photo of a t-shirt that is supposed to be funny.

A friend of mine showed me that this shirt was on eBay, and I shared it on Facebook, thinking that it would get a few laughs out of people. It caused a bit of a stir that would infuriate me, but that story I will save for the next blog post.

Needless to say that this woman from Brazil “liked” that as well. I wondered if she understood the joke. So I asked her.

She said that she did understand it. And I told her to explain it to me so that I knew for sure that she did understand. And quite honestly, she actually DID understand the image on the t-shirt. I explained that it was meant to be funny.

Her response was “It is not funny or a joke. It’s romantic. It is two lovers making love with one another.” And then again, I heard about how charming and attractive I was.

As a joke, I asked her if she wanted to reproduce the image with me in real life. And here we go… my humor gets lost in translation. And she thought that I was being absolutely serious.

And then guess what? Yep. POOF!!! Gone.

I waited a bit to see if she would respond again. When a person begins to slow down their conversation, it could always be something that has taken them away from the conversation by distraction. But after twenty minutes of waiting, I looked at the clock and the only thing I could assume was that she just went to bed.

But when the spotlight is on her and what she is thinking or desiring, she runs like hell!!

So I’ve come up with my own theory:

• She is very unhappy in her marriage. Her being married was something I knew from the beginning. Which causes a lot of the surprise when she is asking intimate questions and seeking intimate details.
• She has 3,600 friends on Facebook. Literally! What is she seeking from them all?
• 90% of all conversations with her, happen very late at night. It is quite possible she is waiting for her husband to go sleep before she says anything.
• The possibility that she is rather interested in me, regardless.

Not like any of that is going to matter. I live in the United States and she lives in Brazil. I don’t see any circumstances that would ever cause us to cross paths. It is possible- but rather improbable. And I am not going to do any intercontinental traveling just to get laid.

I spun last night’s conversation towards the end. I asked her what she would do if she actually saw me in Brazil. She said that she would hug & kiss me. Now I know that there are some countries in which it is customary to kiss. So with her past history of being the way she is, I asked “on the face or on the lips?”. And that most likely got lost in the translation that I had. I was going to actually ask her if the greeting of a kiss was customary in Brazil. But she fled. And I haven’t spoken to her since.

One thing is for sure, if she dares to say “hello”, I’m gonna ask her again and again and again until she answers me. And then I am going to find out if my theory is correct and if she is actually just unhappy in her marriage. If so, this would explain a lot for me. Not like it would change anything though. But I’m going to find out!! If this causes her to run away, permanently.. then so be it. I really don’t need to be socializing with ANY person like that.

 

 

 

Vexing Vocabulary

“Actually, I’ve always had a rather extensive vocabulary, not to mention a phenomenal grasp of grammar and a superlative command of syntax. I simply chose not to employ them.”~ Courtland Mead as ‘Uh-Huh’ in “The Little Rascals” [1994]

In my book, etymology rocks!!

It is something that totally fascinates me and usually I do what I can to make sure that I am increasing my own vocabulary.

Throughout the years, I’ve done so for various reasons. One to be smarter, one to sound like I know what I am talking about, one to be cool. And so on.

But I think that I also enjoy learning about the origins in which particular words and phrases come from. And I am always trying to find other words that would fit so closely to the original word to make sure that I don’t sound like I am a broken record with the rest of society.

Several years ago I had actually started a code with two other friends. We used the English language, but when spoken… it didn’t really make much sense to those listening. And that was the point! Being at that young of an age where the discovery of females had just begun, we wanted a way to talk about them without them knowing it.

Don’t get me wrong, we weren’t perverts. The code was not as degrading as I am probably making it sound. For example: “sapphires” were blue eyes. “Emeralds” were green eyes, and so on.

It was just our own personal take on the English language.

But the English language has also changed so much over the past several years. There are words now that we say, that had a completely different meaning so long ago.

Words like gay, bitch, hot, and cool.

'i' before 'c' accept after... oh screw it! I don't need this, I'm hot!!!

The word “gay” which was used to describe being happy now has its own definition of describing someone’s sexual orientation. The word “bitch” used to be solely describing a female dog, now it is said in a derogatory meaning, commonly against women. “Hot and cool” were defining temperature, now its defining the social statuses of being attractive and socially acceptable.

I can even remember a time when on television, you were not able or supposed to say the word “bitch”.

Just the other day, I found something that actually made me happy. The word DIVORCE has more meaning or definition than the commonly understood “dissolution of marriage”. When the word “divorce” is spoken- many people shutter. Many MARRIED people, I should say.

But the word is more than just a dissolution of a marriage contract.

Some people have actually heard me say, “If you do that- I wanna divorce.” Those who have heard it, either understand what I am saying, or they get all wonky and uncomfortable because they don’t understand.

In this case, the second definition of the word DIVORCE means to separate or break apart. So then if I say “If you do that- I wanna divorce”… means “if you do whatever it is you are going to do, then I’m not going to speak to you any more.” I am going to have to separate myself from you, or divorce myself from you, essentially. And that should be a great indication to you that I am saying that I disagree with your wanting to do that and strongly advice you not to go through with it.

Brushing up on your vocabulary couldn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean you have to completely talk differently. It just means that you have more than a few words to express yourself in other ways. Even if your goal is to sound impressive, I am sure that you will succeed. But as I always say, and always will say: “Knowledge is power.”

You Watch Your Damned Mouth!

So I could not help myself but to write this post, after being somewhat mesmerized by reading the newest posted edition of Frothtonomy.

Language skills, they teach us are VERY important! And wouldn’t you know it, if you actually paid attention to them telling you that, you would know by now that it is true.

But we also grew up with being told to watch our language. Okay sure, nobody wants to get into trouble by what we say. Yet there are those out there who really don’t care what kind of diarrhea comes flowing from their mouth. There’s just no stopping that, or them. And that, I might leave that subject for another time.

Still,  as I read the genius of Dr. Froth, and his infinite creative wisdom, it totally had me thinking about just how swiftly languages evolve.

Who in the world writes the rules on what is considered “in” as far as speech is concerned and how we communicate with others?? There’s been quite a change in how we talk. And people wonder why English is the hardest language to learn, for those who do not actually speak it.

The best and most provocative examples I can come up with are the words, “bitch” and “gay”.

Bitch by definition is a female dog. But somewhere along the road the word “bitch” has turned more into a vulgar and derogatory term for a nagging, whining, irritating person. It had been used against only females, but I suppose now men are bitches too. And who can remember when you could not say “bitch” on television? Now its as common on television and in dialogue and assorted screenplays as the word, “and”.

Gay by definition was an adjective that described someone or something to be happy and cheerful. I don’t think that I need to go into what it is commonly referred to as today.

Words indeed, are very powerful. If you add one too many or leave out one too few, you’re are in deep trouble. And with the world of technology, where we don’t even actuall SPEAK to one another, that causes a lot of problems too. I’ve already talked about the vocal inflection. But it is more common to get our butts in trouble by lacking the proper skills of writing and punctuation.

The most common reference to this, is the sentence:

LET’S EAT GRANDMA.

Sounds pretty serious if you asked me. But where is the punctuation? It is a totally different sentence if proper punctuation was involved.

LET’S EAT, GRANDMA.

The total difference between expressing hunger and a request for an action to an elder family member and inbreeding cannibalism.

Yet again, if one person leaves out one word, or adds one too many… they run the risk of being in a world of hurt. Do I even have to discuss the “F bomb” and its many uses in the English language?

So I guarantee you that language is powerful. It makes or breaks a world. Think twice about what you are saying and who you are talking to. Make up your mind what it is you need to say, then say it and be done with it.