Posts Tagged ‘life’

fightwc“We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.”~ Winston Churchill

I don’t think that I have ever felt such frustration as I am about to write about in all of my life as an adult. Eventually this will go away, but this blog has always had the original intent to be my therapy so buckle up.

And before you start going on and on about how fighting is never the answer. Yeah, I know that. You just need to keep reading.

I went out the other night and I ran into this woman that I had not seen in a very long time. Someone that I have wanted to see more of but never actually do.

And while she did hang out with me for part of the night, I did notice that she would disappear off and on. I didn’t know if she was going to the restroom, or going to the bar, or going outside to smoke, or anything.

I will spare you the boring and long details of the evening, but I will mention that I was making the moves, and I planned to see just how far it would go and to see where I stand with her.

But during her frequent disappearances I noticed that when I looked around for her that she was standing there talking to another man who also was in a wheelchair. That guy and I would pass by each other a lot and he always was giving me dirty looks. I tried to engage him in conversation but he never said a word to me. I even threw him a compliment and still got nothing.

However after I decided to make a move, I noticed that whenever she was socializing or doing whatever it was with the other guy, he was doing the same stuff I was doing.

What in the world?!?!?!??

The woman is beautiful. She’s going to gain attention, I get that. But I felt like this guy was taking away from me and taking for himself.

This non-verbal, non-physical altercation of an event was happening.

Physically speaking… even though he and I lack severely in that department, he still had a bigger build than I. If he and I were to stand up and face each other, he would in fact be much larger than I in all capacities.

At that point I knew that if something between he and I broke out, he would have the advantage and probably the victory. But as time went on, I realized that he kept drinking and this was actually causing him to become weaker and ultimately a burden for anyone surrounding him.

At times when I would actually go and seek her out and find her with him, he gave even more dirty looks towards my direction. I took it as a non-verbal threat. This shit is not cool!!

Towards the end of the night, this woman did come to me to tell me that she was leaving. I offered to walk her outside so I knew she was safe, but she emphatically refused my offer.

She left, and then shortly after the other guy left. But I cannot definitively tell you that they left together.  I don’t know that.

I realize that I live in a certain corner of society where it is the survival of the fittest. I know that it is winner take all. But what people don’t realize about this kind of world, for who do not live the same as I do that it is an understatement to say that it is brutal.

Two men fighting go at it until there is a clear loser. We always hear about how if two women fight that it is even worse because they never fight fair.. pulling hair, clawing each other and so on. It is not pretty.

So then let me explain that if two disabled people are in a physical fight, it is far worse than you have ever seen!!

Because of the fact that they are disabled to begin with, they fight like they have nothing in the world to lose and everything to gain. They literally fight to the death. The only two ways that a fight between two physically disabled people come to an end is if someone steps in and breaks it up, or the victor realizes that their opponent is near death and they don’t want to go to jail or have that on their minds for the rest of their lives.

Disabled people already are engaged in a fight for their lives because of all that we have to deal with in daily life. Going down in a blaze of glory for something we want to have or to protect is not a second thought. There have been too many times where I have found myself in that situation and I did what I did to make sure that I protected myself.

Now that a few days have passed, I think about how I probably could have taken this other guy down after realizing that he had too much to drink and probably couldn’t fend for himself that much.  But I never went after him for it. I also knew that starting a war with him from the moment that I saw what was going on would have been a personal disaster for me. I am still pissed off about it. And I could probably blame everyone and everything. Him, her, and myself included.

Some of you reading this might say that she’s not worth it. But I think that it is worth something because if I had not done anything I would never find out for sure where she and I stand, or could stand because there is no omelets without breaking any eggs.

Carpe diem, baby!

david_draiman
“Point me out the happy man and I will point you out either egotism, selfishness, evil – or else an absolute ignorance.”~ Graham Greene

I was sitting there one evening in the passenger seat of someone’s vehicle, very frequently looking down at my cell phone and responding to text messages that were coming in faster than I could respond, based on the fact that an event was unfolding before me as I sat there in the darkness looking out at a back door of a club. My only goal was to “watch the car” as they had put it. The doors were all locked, the keys were in the ignition still and I was jamming out to music of my choice while I waited.

Very long moments had gone by before I was startled by a pounding on the window from the driver to let them back inside of the vehicle.

From that moment on until the end of the evening, I was chewed out that I “was not doing what I was told to do.” Instead my nose was uncharacteristically buried in my cell phone.

I explained I was getting frequent updates on a situation that they knew about. And that I kept looking up from time to time and saw nothing to be alarmed over. Nothing “bad” ever happened to the vehicle. I was able to “watch the car” without having to put eyeballs on it 100% of the time.

Then there’s this piece of nuggetry:

http://loudwire.com/disturbed-david-draiman-texting-audience-member-dallas/

http://www.blabbermouth.net/news/disturbed-frontman-calls-out-fan-for-texting-during-concert-are-we-that-boring/

I’ll give you a minute.

Before I go on, I will say this: the law of averages is most likely on Draiman’s side. What he said was in fact true. It is rude. However, for those of us who weren’t there… those of us who aren’t this person that he so heroically called out, we honestly don’t know what exactly was going on. All we know is what we get from Draiman’s side of things that is muddled in frustration.

I’ve lost count how many times I’ve been in conversation with someone and at some point during that conversation, their attention went immediately and straight to their phone. And yes, that is rude.

But this woman, whomever she is that Draiman bawled out, was asked (more or less) what she was doing that was more important. The problem is, is that in these situations, audience members are NEVER allowed the chance to respond in order to defend themselves and/or their actions. By the time the obvious rhetorical question came out of his mouth, the entire audience reacted against her and therefore she was unable to answer or respond back.

This woman either had her own emergency happening at the exact time she was there to enjoy the show. Or perhaps she was giving directions for more fans to arrive. It could have been any number of things that was going on.

My mother and my grandmother both taught me when I was young that if someone is doing something that you don’t like – don’t look at them. Maybe Draiman should’ve heeded those words as there were certainly other people to concentrate upon rather than one woman who had her face buried into a cell phone.

One CAN enjoy music without using their eyes. However a concert is supposed to be both audibly and visually stimulating. At least in my experiences, they are.

Like I said, the averages are on Draiman’s side. This woman could have simply been rude as he proclaimed. But we don’t know that for sure. We don’t know what she was doing. And the sad thing is, is that we will never know! Not unless this woman comes out publicly to defend herself. And I have doubts that she will.

And these things (no matter how rude we find them) are going to happen.

So dear David Draiman,

Welcome to the age of the Internet!

Get used to it.

making-the-right-choice1-e1378192883532“When you wake up every day, you have two choices. You can either be positive or negative; an optimist or a pessimist. I choose to be an optimist. It’s all a matter of perspective.”~ Harvey Mackay

As of lately, I have been noticing something that is beginning to not only be trending (for lack of a better term) but alarming.

Social media websites are being used time and time and time again for PSA purposes.

Many people have taken to the pulpit now to spread whatever message they desire.

With it being politics time again in the United States of America, there is an unspoken promise that there will be individuals who express themselves through their political beliefs. It happens every time an election is upcoming.

Some people will cheer, others will jeer.

But I’m not here to talk about politics. I’m not about to unravel about how you have the choice to talk about politics because we already know that you do. Some just act upon them.

I’ve noticed that people that I know on social media have been giving out these very long and lengthy, paragraph-like statuses to explain to their “friends” that they’ve come to a decision and have made one and why they have made that decision.

The choice is within all of us, we make decisions based on what we prefer to choose every day.

However, why are we spreading the news about WHY we made that choice??

This is the issue I am speaking of here.

For whatever reason, I am continually CHOOSING to press the “Unfollow” button on Facebook on so many people because of their incessant need to explain themselves for whatever they have recently said or have done.

In recent times, I was at an event and I was explaining that I had gone somewhere out of town and came back within 24 hours. The person that I was talking to repeatedly kept asking me why I did what I did and said what I said.

My final response to why was “Because I could.” And I gave no further answer, rhyme, reason, or explanation.

I didn’t really have to.

And that’s the point. There’s been this unnecessary “need” to explain everything and anything. Why is that, though???

I woke up this morning and got dressed, putting on a t-shirt I collected at SXSW Music Festival 2015. Why? There is no why. I just did it.

We as human beings have our boundaries. We have our reasons and rhymes. But as of lately a lot of these human beings have either forgotten or failed to see that we are allowed to have them and we do not live in any society on the planet where we are bound by laws, to HAVE to explain ourselves.

Our boundaries are our boundaries. I do not want to do that – because I do not want to do that. And that’s all anyone else needs to know.

I feel that we need to do better taking care of ourselves in that respect. Some have, others fail.

But with anything, practice makes perfect. If we just tried. We wouldn’t HAVE to make these weird announcements for our lives. We would not HAVE to get on the pulpit and preach our decisions to …. basically, a world of people who don’t give a damn to begin with. (With some exceptions. Some will care.)

Then again it is OUR choice to decide whether or not we wish to tell those who care the reason or rhyme behind our decision.

So I’m standing up against the awful cliché that we HAVE TO EXPLAIN OURSELVES. Because we don’t.

Let’s better ourselves.

keysofyourhappiness

That says it all right there in the image. I think I’ll leave the size of it as is, so that anyone who reads this has no mistake in understanding.

I swear though that I come up with something new each and every week that is either life changing or mind changing in the very least.

Allowing someone else to own the keys to happiness doesn’t create more happiness. It just forbids you to be happy when you want to be happy… and that only scratches the surface.

What a difference life has changed in the past 1,177 days.

The effort of being the “perfect friend” or at least the putting forth the effort to prove that I am the one true honest friend does come with personal limitations.

What I have learned in this growth is that those people who are willing to push you beyond your personal limitations, really are people who are just willing to use up your kindness, your time, your energy and focus on them and never on you.

In those one thousand plus days, I’ve stopped “wearing the tie” and in fact, I’ve thrown them all away. The lesson finally sank in that one does not have to sacrifice in making the effort of keeping a friendship alive. All I had received was numerous nights of lost sleep, frustration, and one sided conversations.

One question remains to be legitimate in any relationship: WHAT ARE YOU GETTING OUT OF IT BY BEING IN IT???

I found myself faced with that question only to find that the answer for me was: Nothing.

Or if it was “something” it was anything that would be deemed undesirable.

In many cases I had placed my happiness in the hands of others. Especially with those that I wanted to prove to be the one true honest friend. What was I getting out of it? Nothing. Or something I didn’t want.

Besides, in the almost 3 years and 3 months since … the list of people that I felt I needed to prove something fall into categories that I never thought would be possible.

#1- I no longer associate with them.
#2- Involvement in a one-sided relationship.
#3- Responsibility of my happiness was in the hands of others. And 99.9% of those people’s hands didn’t care in the end.

Anyone that I “wore the tie” for either is out of my social circles or no longer seeks me counsel, or ear as it were.

I know that this seems scattered, but allow it to sink in for a while. It will make sense.

The big question is WHAT DO YOU GET OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS? 

IF you come up with nothing- then perhaps its time to end things.

I simply refuse to “attempt to be there for someone” who dares to take advantage of the situation. And nobody should be treated like that. As well as your happiness is your own. Don’t allow others to dictate it.

 

 

Coffee-Lady3

“Crazy people don’t sit around wondering if they’re nuts.”~ Jake Gyllenhaal

It is hard when you watch someone that you’ve become to know for so long start to lose their marbles… in the most literal of sense.

Such is the case for the one that I will refer to as Super C.

Super C moved here to this complex around the same time that I did my first time in 2005.

Like many who live(d) here: Quiet, shy, withdrawn, anti-social.

But Super C was actually cared for by a few others and eventually Super C would see the errors of her ways and how life was just slipping away from her by her sitting inside of her dwelling day and night. She was shown the light that her ex-husband was a complete and total douche nozzle and she finally learned how to stand up to him and tell him where to go and the quickest way to do it.

She participated more and more and suddenly found herself with FRIENDS. WOW!! Who would have thought it?!?

However, Super C just like everyone else around here has her own sets of challenges and problems. Medicines and appointments with doctors and things to keep up with in her life.

As of lately the rest of us neighbors are finding that she’s unable to control it all. Either that or she just does not handle it well at all.

How many times has she had to go back somewhere because she left her glasses or wallet or purse or keys or cell phone???

A few years ago she suffered what the doctors called a mini-stroke. But she was back at home within a week. Her best of friends are no longer living. Her attendant has come to end of her rope with Super C. Her children do not visit. Her medicines are often rumored to be scattered everywhere in a pile of atrophying disarray and indecency.

The worst of it is not yet to come. I think that the worst of it has arrived and is living among us within Super C.  It is also safe to say that everyone has made an effort or two or twelve to get her life back on track where its not so much a disaster. As soon as one person fills in with a complete system that is going to be helpful in the end, Super C slips up ONCE and then she’s back where she started. roedhaaret_schmidt_z

I can see the will to help her has left the building. Or property in this case. Its no longer there within anyone.

People are literally afraid to deal with Super C any more. They are afraid that if they get involved too deep that they too will “end up just like her” and as shitty as that is to think or say… it is what it is around here.

Some say that the mini-stroke doomed her. Other people had faith in her that she would recover from her mini-stroke. And even more people seem to think that she might be too far gone because she lost her best friends in the world in the time span of about a year and a half.

It appears as if the simplest of life’s tasks has become monumental for her. As if she was looking at an entire valley of mountains and instantly believing that she will never make it.

Her latest tale is her supposed journey of walking in the pouring rain one morning where she began to tread with a walker 3.7 miles (5.95 km) by herself to return home from an appointment in which she was denied because she had an outstanding balance. And she had gone that far without her wallet.

She’s been called out on it and other alleged activities that she has been telling everyone who would listen to her.

A 70 plus year old woman with a walker isn’t going to walk nearly 4 miles…. in the rain. And then expect us to believe it when she’s not soaking wet, dragging in water with her shoes and her walker and just have a few raindrops on her back. She should have been drenched and dripping. But she was not.

Everyone tends to want to run away from her when they hear her begin a conversation with the words DID I TELL YOU…..??

Plus the fact that you and another person could be holding your own conversation and she’s going to chime in. Just like her friends did before they both died. In this case, it was something she was taught that she never should have been taught. oneofus2

This morning’s episode was all about standing water in the rain water collection barrels. And that just isn’t possible as all of the barrels have screened filters on them. So there’s no standing water anywhere. She was quickly called out and she left the community room rejected and denied.

Calling her out isn’t going to help her state of mind. All it does it automatically say to her that people think she’s lying.

I don’t know though. It is just really really difficult to watch this progression. I am sure there are people out there who know what I am talking about. And probably deal with worse circumstances as they have watched a loved one slip away like this. I do not envy anyone of this.

DoAnythingYouWant

“It is my own firm belief that the strength of the soul grows in proportion as you subdue the flesh.”~Mahatma Gandhi

It has come to my attention that I need to break the news to a few of you about who I am.

Countless times in the past year I have heard someone utter the words “Oh, I didn’t know you _____________!!” No matter what it was, from where I’ve been to where I am going and what I have done and what I am doing.

I understand that people who are in my daily life right now are not going to know every single thing about me and my life. It would be an impossible task to get everyone “up to speed” with everything that I have done that was note-worthy or of interest.

 Parts of this blog actually contain such moments or events, but not every single moment in time and in life that would be fascinating for the world to know is known in this blog. Nor will it ever be because even some of the most spectacular moments in life are best kept in secrecy. (Like how I’ve obtained personal contact information of certain musicians and celebrities.)
I suppose that I often think of certain things that I’ve had the life experience with, isn’t all that cool, that someone is going to want to be all ears.
The other day, I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings and I started singing aloud. People started to gather to listen. Then I was told “I didn’t know you sang.”
I responded (that time) with kindness, explaining that I have been singing for all of my life and even had been a participant in some musical projects, including my own band in the 1990’s. And then I heard “I didn’t know you were in a band!”
“I didn’t know you did that!” ….. “I didn’t know you knew those people.”
Really?? Why is it so hard for people to think that it just might be possible that I CAN sing, or have been in a band, or have played a musical instrument, or rubbed elbows with “celebrities” or whatever the case may be???
And I am not about to go into who I’ve met and who I know, because some of you are going to come flying at me with your messages and your e-mails. So I am putting a stop to that before it even begins. Shame on you to begin with.
I could be very wrong in this, but it has begun to feel like discrimination. Just because I’m in a wheelchair- all of a sudden, I cannot do any of these things?????? WHY????????????
You pretty much freaked out when I told you that I played sledge hockey. But you researched it, or allowed me to tell you about it. And got used to the idea. But these other things are just beyond the line of your comprehension… and so I ask, why is that?!?!?!?????
You certainly don’t see me questioning you when I hear that you have done this or that and it was a personal milestone for you. Why can’t I have them as well in my own way and terms?
It is MY life!!!!
I can do anything that I want. And so can you!!!!!
The saga continues. People suck.

notatree

Tonight I am reminded by the film quote from “Shawshank Redemption” where Morgan Freeman’s character says “Get busy living or get busy dying.”

I know that the quote from Dr. Froth is far better, but I don’t remember where it was placed or what exactly he said word for word.

Nonetheless today on this quiet Good Friday evening, history was doomed to repeat itself to drive home the fact to me that life moves on whether I want it to or not.

People are getting married. People are getting divorced. People are even dying and leaving this life on Earth. And it has been feeling like I’ve been watching all of it happen through a window while munching on snacks, sitting back lazily as everything just keeps going!!!

Often I have been finding myself at a loss because the people that I watch grow up, and live on, are doing so without me. Or in the very least, with minimal influence or contact.

That’s not the best pill in the world to swallow. park_rides_MO_89

Guitarist for the band BEAUTIFUL DISTURBANCE, Auggie Del Ray, almost daily gives everyone a reminder about how we should take life by the neck and hang on until it comes down into submission and we can control our destinies again. He also has wonderful insight on other facets of life that causes me to want to pay attention as well. I’m begging and pleading for him to come out with his own personal blog.

But we’ve had control all along I think. Yet what have we been doing with that control? Are we taking our lives and doing what we want to do with it OR are we allowing others the control and watching our lives spin round and round and round without knowing where to get off the amusement ride of life??

My doomed attitude of life got a swift kick in the pants tonight. Especially after seeing certain people from life either becoming the tops of their perspective fields or watching them dust off and jump back on and rise to the top again.

I don’t have to live a life that I am not happy with. I can change my life to true happiness because life will go on with or without me and one day, I will spend my last day on this Earth. And what will I have to say about it or to show for it before the presence of others? DSCN2600

If you are not happy with life, remember you are not a tree. You CAN move in any other direction that you want. And you can return to the path of happiness, wherever it may take you.

Be in charge in your life. Be in control of your destiny. If you do not like where it is going, then change course. And do not fear the change that comes with it. For you never know what rewards await you on the other side.

Understand though that life will not wait while you decide. If you wait for too long, it may be too late.

Don’t be tardy to the party, that is your life!!!!!!!!!!!!!