Don’t Know If I’ll Make It Until Then

“I love bringing roses to a woman when she least expects it.”~ Esai Morales

I’m sitting here, staring blank at the clock and I realize that in just a few minutes, it is about to be a new day.

I also realize that it will be one day closer to that ill-thought that is Valentine’s Day.

I thought that this year would be different for me. I no longer have that thought any more this very night. And with under a week to go….. the answer is unclear at this point.

I had asked someone to “be my Valentine” and in my past experiences, either I was lied to or my request was denied. And even if I had offered an evening full of PLATONIC surprises to a woman, having a date for that night would never ever happen. Not ever.

The closest thing that came to a Valentine’s Day celebration was with my last girlfriend. She didn’t want conventional gifts such as roses and chocolates. But she was able to chose what was to be had for dinner and I was the one that cooked it and had it ready to be placed on the table by the time she got home from work. There was no intimacy that evening either as she had been feeling bad days prior and all the excitement of the surprise was too much for her to handle. She went to bed long before I did that night.

So I’ve not been given the experience of chocolates, and roses, and diamonds, and kissing and making love. And yes that makes me VERY BITTER towards the holiday in general almost to the point of hating it.

But yes, I did ask someone to be my Valentine this year. And they said yes. Okay, great… now what? Now it was time to go into the pages of the books written by Jodi Ambrose and take a refresher course of the do’s and do not’s. Even though this woman ….. well, there’s nothing there. Just me being interested. 

I won’t get into detail to spare anyone from the public shaming session that would be inevitable to come by colleagues and close personal friends of mine, but so close to being able to do what I would like to do on a Valentine’s Day ….. only to find out that the woman has betrayed my senses and my trust. I know that I will be receiving personal messages about this. And I am ready for some of those messages to be along the lines of “I told you so!” but I will not fight them.  Being tricked and deceived by someone in this manner is not fun. I find it earth shattering and it doesn’t help anything going on with me upstairs.   

So again with just so many days left.. I’ve not done anything about it. I don’t know at this point if I will or if I will just let Valentine’s Day slide and let it join the rest of the lonely Valentine’s Days that I have a nearly a lifetime of.

Maybe one day I will get it right.

Maybe I won’t.

If you are still reading this: blog posts are probably going to be this “sad” for a while until I am able to stand back up again. And I know that day is coming!!

It is honestly not meant intentionally to the masses of people to be reading about my pain but this IS MY BLOG!! And I shall turn a few posts into a diary if I feel like it.

And even if I make the rest of this week through… I’m just not sure that I will make it to BJ & Steak Day.

 

Jewelry Separation

“Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need to know of hell.”  ~Emily Dickinson

Last night I believe that I softly cried myself to sleep. A bitter ending to an usually busy day for me as I was cleaning my apartment for most of the afternoon and evening.

The steady activity of unusual excercise probably had worn me out, but in my efforts of cleaning always leads me to a surprise of discoveries of previously misplaced or lost items. One of which was the receipt to the gold ring that I had in a pawn shop. A ring that I did very much so intend on paying back the loan and retrieving ownerships once more.

But when I looked at the date that was printed to be the “last day of grace”, my entire body sank when I realized that date was yesterday.

I quickly went online to search for the operating hours of the pawn shop and it just got worse as by the time I realized it, I only had about 45 minutes before the pawn shop would close. All I needed to do was pay the interest amount on the loan and they would re-finance it to where I would have another grace period. But it would do nothing for the principal of the loan.

So I called them. I tried to explain my situation that I had the money for the interest amount, but would not be able to get there before they were going to close. As much as they did apologize and tell me that they felt for me, they were not willing to do anything about it. At least not in the sense that they would hold off for another day until I was able to arrive there to pay for the interest amount. The grace period was over.

This was the ring that I had put in pawn as a test to see what I would get for it, before selling that other ring that I had that had too many bad memories attached to it. This ring that was lost last night, the pawn shop was willing to give a loan up to $225 for. The story I had written in a previous post.

But instead of taking out that much of a loan, I only took $60 of it. I didn’t want to take so much of a loan on it that I could not pay it back. And it turns out that I couldn’t after all.

Even when I returned to SELL the ring that I didn’t want, I thought I would receive more for it because it had a larger garnet in it and diamonds around. But surprisingly, they didn’t give that much to me for selling it.

If I had known that I was going to lose this ring though, I probably would have gone ahead and taken the $225. But I had not intended on losing it at all. Now I have.

I could mention the reasons and excuses for why I never got to the pawn shop. But writing about them here isn’t going to return the ring back to me. It is not going to change anything.

All I could do was reflect on how proud I was when I bought the ring back in 2002 or around that time. It was something that I paid for MYSELF. (With the $20 exception that I got from my sister as a birthday gift towards the purchase.) Still, I paid for it. And I thought I was a bad ass for having it. I thought I looked pretty sharp with it on.

And then my thoughts would switch over to the ugliness of the situation from the OTHER ring. I was surprised that my brain would switch thoughts like that in an instant. I began to not like my ex all over again and blame her some more for the other situation. But I did not blame her for this.

And I also started to blame the scenario of a few months ago from the scam that I fell victim to. I believe that had I not fallen for it, my finances would be a lot different than what they are now. And most likely I wouldn’t have had to step inside the pawn shop at all for any reason.

I can point fingers and assign blame all that I want. But it will not give me the ring back.

I COULD go back into the pawn shop after a while and see how much that they are selling it for and buy it back, but most likely the mark-up on it will be so crazy that I couldn’t afford it.

So I guess that this whole summer, I had one hard lesson to learn. And it stings for sure. Perhaps now I will go online and do some shopping to see whether or not I am able to find something different. Something else that I might enjoy just as much to wear and see whether or not I can afford it. If so, I just might buy me another ring from some place else.

I’ll have to keep my eyes open.

So I wave farewell to the ring that I most enjoyed having. It is only material, and it can be replaced. And so I’ll march forward to do so.