Closing Chapters

“If I were asked, it’d be a hard decision, but I’d lean toward no. The Playboy chapter in my life is now closed. I would definitely model, but I don’t think I would pose nude. I’m on to the next chapter of being a mom and a wife.” ~  Kendra Wilkinson

Less than a full week into the new year of 2014, already I can sense the changes in my life. Some good, some bad, some sad, some pretty amazing!!

As previously mentioned, I believe that I was the most fortunate of people to have been able to come out of my own shell and look around me. To be able to gaze to the left and to the right of me to see what I honestly did and did not have. I could see that I literally was in a forest. 

And because I saw what I did, it was the smallest of things that I had been missing that was causing the most pain and damage. When your life teaches you that you are about to come to the end of the chapter,  you still grieve because it is still a loss. Those people that you thought would be there for forever end up being in your life for a shorter time than you once thought and now they are gone.

But there has to be many chapters that come  to a close to allow life to open another one. And we never really know what will happen as we never know the future.

I think that though there’s got to be some good coming from opening a new door or a new chapter. I mean personally speaking… already ever since I realized that I will eventually have to take out the trash of my life, I found new relationships to savor and enjoy. One north, one south.  

My point being that it took the pain of cutting loose those who were poison to be able to allow myself to heal and then make room for the new. And to be honest, I’m happier with the new. Much happier than what I was with that has seemingly “been there for me” for these past recent years.

Also, yes it did hurt. And it is hurting really bad. But this pain is temporary and will eventually go away.

 

Need In Anything

“I praise loudly, I blame softly.”~ Catherine the Great

Now that the memorial service for my brother-in-law has come to an end, I will begin the process of mourning and grieving for those that I have lost. Several in the past few weeks. Including keeping the memory of someone that I knew that I heard the news that they had passed away, just a few hours after I returned home from my brother-in-law’s service.

I have received many supportive words from many people. Some that I do not know, and from others who do not know me well at all. But whether or not I know them, or they know me is not the point. The point is that they were strong and kind and caring enough to express their condolences to me over these painful weeks.

Losing someone is never easy. Knowing what to say to someone who is experiencing grief and loss isn’t easy either.

We do not know how to comfort those who mourn a lot of the times. So some come up with the most basic and direct way to express their sympathy by saying, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Another thing that is commonly spoken is “My condolences to you and your family.”

So then, in my grief-stricken state I am reminded of hearing another sentiment that has always made me stop and wonder. And it goes all the way back to the time when I lost my mother.

“If you ever need anything, you let me know.”

I haven’t heard that one as much now as I did when I lost my mother. Back then I was only a child and I didn’t really think about it until later.

I feel that it is an expression that is too vague. Too cryptic.

When I lost my mother, I grieved in my own way, and it took years to do it. So then when I was finally in need of anything or something, I would remember those who had said that phrase to me and would ask them for their help. But to my distress as a young child, I would come to find out that those who had said those words to me, weren’t really helpful or willing to help at all.

At the time I felt like there must have been an expiration date on the term “if you ever need anything”… as if to say, “Let me know if you need anything for the next twelve months. After that, don’t bother.”

And of course that’s not what they were saying. But it felt that way then.

Once I was sent away and rejected, I began to feel bitter. I began to hate those words. And I wondered (and still do today sometimes) if anyone actually who has said that to someone who was mourning, had kept their word and gave that person help in their hour of need.

Again, this hasn’t been said to me frequently during my present time of mourning and grief. One person has actually said to me, “If you ever need to talk to someone, I will be here.”

That expression was more specific! If I needed TO TALK. And it gives the parameters of what they were willing to help with, if I was needing help.

But let’s go back again to what I was saying before. Human nature is imperfect. And people go through grief in different ways.

If we knew exactly what it was that people needed in order to be comforted during their time of loss, we would offer exactly that and nothing more. Because we would know that they do not need anything more. But we simply do not know because of the fact that we all have different needs when we mourn. And that really does include not really knowing what to say to someone. So these common expressions of sympathy are the ones that we use.

I am more appreciative of those who have sent their condolences now, than when I was younger.

And should the time come that I DO need something from someone, then I will go to them. But for now, all the thoughts, love, and prayers have been appreciated beyond any words that I can come up with to show my gratitude to everyone who has shown their condolences to me.

 

Flying to the Angels

I’m just going to have to say that 2011 hasn’t been a year of best things. However, I will say that it has made me stronger.

I woke up from a nap this afternoon to see that I had received a message regarding my lovely friend, Maria. She had unexpectedly passed away Thursday morning. Barely 40 years old, she leaves behind a husband who is totally crushed and two small boys both under the age of 13 and one of them autistic.

Maria loved a lot of things that were similar to my own tastes. Music and the recognizing the beauty of women’s hair.

She was a good colleague and a wonderful penpal. She used to live in the same area as I live today, but I did not get the chance to know her then. I have to laugh that whenever she would tell me that she was having a bad day, or that the weather was horrible where she was, I would always tease her. Trying to convince her to move back to this area at every possible chance I could. I believe Maria knew that I was only playing around.

But today, I am just in total shock. Her best friend of twenty years contacted me to tell me the news of her death. I honestly thought to myself as I read the message that this had better be a joke. But if it was, it wasn’t funny. Yet it was no joke. Maria has left this Earth. She is finished with her journey here.

One of her favorite song was “Fly To The Angels” by the band, Slaughter. I’ve seen it posted countless times on Facebook in her honor. Right now, I cannot even listen to it once without breaking down into tears.

Maria’s bowel some how got twisted, and then it became infected and the doctors were not able to diagnose it as such before she passed away. Maria is suffering no more. I know that she had been complaining of pain in her stomach region prior to this tragic and unexpected event. She hurts no more.

I will miss her. I will mourn.

I know that to many of you who read this, that lately there’s been a lot of “negative” stuff that I write in my posts. Life is what it is. But again, I know that I will be stronger once these difficult times have passed. Death, nightmares, heartache… all of it will soon fade and there will be better days ahead.

I love you, Maria. And will miss you. Rest In Peace, my lovely Angel.

Thank you to my wonderful penpal of nearly 10 years who made this photograph of Maria into what she now has become. I appreciate it.