When The Time Comes To Say Those Words You Hate To Say

“It feels right. But it’s emotional. Saying goodbye to anything you’ve done that long is hard.”~ Angela Ruggiero

The 28th of February, will be our social services coordinator’s last and final day of working with us here at the apartment complex where I live.

She had started to tell this to everyone on a one-on-one basis, knowing that the news was going to spread like wild fire.

She’s been with us for two years. And unfortunately for me, her leaving will be the fourth person who has come and taken over that office and that job and has eventually left.

One retired, one quit, one got fired. This one found a better job opportunity. And yet here I am in my numb state talking about it as it is just beyond midnight and will have the morning and part of the afternoon to see her at her work, in her office. Not really knowing what to say to her other than to wish her well in her future endeavors. But I am not one for typical responses. 

My neighbor tried to pin it on the fact that she’s this hot chick with long red hair. But that was established two years ago when she walked in the door for her first interview and I happened to see her walking up the sidewalk to enter into our community building. It was also established that she was married and had been for many years. And I just don’t play that game of home wrecking.

So for two years, I’ve done what I could to deal with that sort of thing and I believe that I have done my best not to let it get in the way of letting her do her job and whatever else she needed to do.

Yet when you are around someone five days a week, forty hours a week, one cannot help but develop some attachment. Even if its just simply being social and polite and acting like a caring human being. Yes I did find the long red hair attractive on her. No, I didn’t say or do anything really stupid in order to make her freak out or wanna report me to the police or her boss or whatever. I did say some snarky things but I knew that I had crossed a boundary by her reply of either “oh boy!!” or “oh dear!!” None of which had any permanent damage and yes, I was brave enough to tell her that I was sorry during times. And forgiveness was shortly followed. 

But here I am faced with a dilemma that is very much so a personal problem. The farewell. Or as the rest of you call it “The Goodbye Conversation” … even though I freakin’ HATE using that term. What is appropriate? But also what is not going to sound like a standard and cliché response?

With the new job that she took, it does sound like (for her) that it would be a step forward and an improvement. And honestly, we all should do that in our lives and careers. Step and move forward. But it does not sound like much of an opportunity that she would return for a visit any time soon. Much like the person before her. But the person before her actually retired, instead of going to a different job. So the former person has the time, the one who is leaving us today probably will not.

So I hope that soon, everything will be okay and that I won’t sound like an asshole when I am having my last conversation with her …. as a professional. Nobody can say for sure if I will ever have a conversation away from this property and as a person. I do believe however, that anything is possible. I just hope that the possible becomes a probable.

I spoke to a different professional today. I explained that her leaving us is like being in mourning. Those of us (like myself) who got close enough to her. And they said that I was right. Being in “mourning” just plain sucks.. there’s nothing else more to describe it. And I hope that the mourning period for this particular personal loss will not last long.

I am sure that I will write a follow-up blog soon, probably sometime this weekend. Wish me luck!!!!!!!!!

Closing Chapters

“If I were asked, it’d be a hard decision, but I’d lean toward no. The Playboy chapter in my life is now closed. I would definitely model, but I don’t think I would pose nude. I’m on to the next chapter of being a mom and a wife.” ~  Kendra Wilkinson

Less than a full week into the new year of 2014, already I can sense the changes in my life. Some good, some bad, some sad, some pretty amazing!!

As previously mentioned, I believe that I was the most fortunate of people to have been able to come out of my own shell and look around me. To be able to gaze to the left and to the right of me to see what I honestly did and did not have. I could see that I literally was in a forest. 

And because I saw what I did, it was the smallest of things that I had been missing that was causing the most pain and damage. When your life teaches you that you are about to come to the end of the chapter,  you still grieve because it is still a loss. Those people that you thought would be there for forever end up being in your life for a shorter time than you once thought and now they are gone.

But there has to be many chapters that come  to a close to allow life to open another one. And we never really know what will happen as we never know the future.

I think that though there’s got to be some good coming from opening a new door or a new chapter. I mean personally speaking… already ever since I realized that I will eventually have to take out the trash of my life, I found new relationships to savor and enjoy. One north, one south.  

My point being that it took the pain of cutting loose those who were poison to be able to allow myself to heal and then make room for the new. And to be honest, I’m happier with the new. Much happier than what I was with that has seemingly “been there for me” for these past recent years.

Also, yes it did hurt. And it is hurting really bad. But this pain is temporary and will eventually go away.

 

Full Spectrum: Part II- Mourning A Death

“Crying is cleansing. There’s a reason for tears, happiness or sadness.”~Dionne Warwick

Part Two as promised.

This morning when I woke up, a little more refreshed than usual. Feeling better and now that the fun was done, it was time to return… no matter how much I didn’t want to.

But I AM getting better with that feeling and wrestling with it.

I did shed a few tears because I was leaving Houston and leaving friends behind, but just for a brief moment.

I did not actually foresee that when I got off the bus, I would be greeted with the news of the death of a friend of mine. She died in the hospital the night before.

So today has been difficult. It feels like I have landed into a pile of shit that has me stuck all the way up to my knees after being up and above and beyond cloud nine.

This is the widow of El Jefe, who actually passed away a year and a half ago. The two of them had actually been married for over 40 years, nearly 50 before he died last April.

After that, she kind of gave up. She was so depressed. She got sick and was in the hospital this last week. But then when I had heard the stories about her having dreams about her husband telling her to “come home” I knew that the end was near, just not really sure when that would be.

It would be while I was in Houston celebrating with the family of Froth.

So I am heartbroken that my friend has gone. But I know full well that she’s no longer needing to give up. She’s no longer needing to deal with being sick or depressed.

She leaves behind five children and several grandchildren. And now I will go to be with her children as they were like elder siblings to me. Hell, even El Jefe when he was alive called me son.

So I’ve been from one end of life’s spectrum to the other. Its not the best experience to deal with, but I will find a way to cope and then remember the good times that were had. But I feel so bad for the children as they lost both parents in less than two years.

Need In Anything

“I praise loudly, I blame softly.”~ Catherine the Great

Now that the memorial service for my brother-in-law has come to an end, I will begin the process of mourning and grieving for those that I have lost. Several in the past few weeks. Including keeping the memory of someone that I knew that I heard the news that they had passed away, just a few hours after I returned home from my brother-in-law’s service.

I have received many supportive words from many people. Some that I do not know, and from others who do not know me well at all. But whether or not I know them, or they know me is not the point. The point is that they were strong and kind and caring enough to express their condolences to me over these painful weeks.

Losing someone is never easy. Knowing what to say to someone who is experiencing grief and loss isn’t easy either.

We do not know how to comfort those who mourn a lot of the times. So some come up with the most basic and direct way to express their sympathy by saying, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Another thing that is commonly spoken is “My condolences to you and your family.”

So then, in my grief-stricken state I am reminded of hearing another sentiment that has always made me stop and wonder. And it goes all the way back to the time when I lost my mother.

“If you ever need anything, you let me know.”

I haven’t heard that one as much now as I did when I lost my mother. Back then I was only a child and I didn’t really think about it until later.

I feel that it is an expression that is too vague. Too cryptic.

When I lost my mother, I grieved in my own way, and it took years to do it. So then when I was finally in need of anything or something, I would remember those who had said that phrase to me and would ask them for their help. But to my distress as a young child, I would come to find out that those who had said those words to me, weren’t really helpful or willing to help at all.

At the time I felt like there must have been an expiration date on the term “if you ever need anything”… as if to say, “Let me know if you need anything for the next twelve months. After that, don’t bother.”

And of course that’s not what they were saying. But it felt that way then.

Once I was sent away and rejected, I began to feel bitter. I began to hate those words. And I wondered (and still do today sometimes) if anyone actually who has said that to someone who was mourning, had kept their word and gave that person help in their hour of need.

Again, this hasn’t been said to me frequently during my present time of mourning and grief. One person has actually said to me, “If you ever need to talk to someone, I will be here.”

That expression was more specific! If I needed TO TALK. And it gives the parameters of what they were willing to help with, if I was needing help.

But let’s go back again to what I was saying before. Human nature is imperfect. And people go through grief in different ways.

If we knew exactly what it was that people needed in order to be comforted during their time of loss, we would offer exactly that and nothing more. Because we would know that they do not need anything more. But we simply do not know because of the fact that we all have different needs when we mourn. And that really does include not really knowing what to say to someone. So these common expressions of sympathy are the ones that we use.

I am more appreciative of those who have sent their condolences now, than when I was younger.

And should the time come that I DO need something from someone, then I will go to them. But for now, all the thoughts, love, and prayers have been appreciated beyond any words that I can come up with to show my gratitude to everyone who has shown their condolences to me.

 

El Jefe: In Memoriam

“Let no one weep for me, or celebrate my funeral with mourning; for I still live, as I pass to and fro through the mouths of men.”~ Quintus Ennius

In memory of my neighbor and friend.

So far I have made it through with all that has been going on. Even though my shoulders still carry a heavy load upon them.

We put to rest my neighbor and friend. His immediate family referred to him as “Jefe”, as did I.

But it has been strange and difficult not having him around. Countless times in these past few days, I’ve gone through the urge of giving him a call to let him in on what’s been going on in my world. Then I would stop and think that he’s not here any more, and calling him would be futile. I’m having a lot of trouble with that at the moment.

Yesterday, we said our final farewells to Jefe. A lot of people actually showed up to pay their respects. It was just as impressive as his own obituary was. The biggest thing that people had to say about him is that when they read the obituary, they didn’t realize just how connected to the community and all of the things that he had accomplished in life of 65 years. One of which was his military career. Leaving the United States Army as an officer rank of Major. The surprise came by people of what he had done surrounding his military career. Including a marriage of 44 years.

Since the news of his passing early last Friday morning, I have been surrounded by the family. His wife and his children. Hell, I was even there when they were putting together his obituary. Sitting with his wife and family and going along with them through the good and bad times of the past several days.

But Jefe and his wife had always thought of me as a “son”. They had five children of their own. But it was his wife who endeared me as a son more than he did. For many years, I actually have been regarded as and even introduced as their son. Even to their own family members. It got to the point where it was explained that their five children were brought to them by stork, and I was brought to them by the mail man.

I had a lot of people come up to me and introduce themselves and when I gave them my name, they would say, “Ohh, your their surrogate son. I’ve heard so much about you. Nice to finally meet you.”

But what am I going to really do? In a place where many were mourning. Was I going to fight them? No.

I was kind of surprised when the priest had mentioned my name in the list of his children. Then again, should I have been since they had spent many years claiming as such?

I have a lot of memories of Jefe that it would be too difficult to list them all. Many times going out to eat together, or watching a movie at their home, having a few drinks or whatever.

Being there yesterday just brought back so much to my own mind. Losing my mother and other people in my life, it was definitely a difficult burden to wear yesterday.

Near the end of the service, they played an audio recording of the 21 Gun Salute as Jefe’s sons couldn’t get the approval of the U.S. military for an actual one. And then the playing of TAPS. And it was the playing of TAPS at which point, I broke down into tears. Some tears fell, others simply welled up in my eyes and did not descend across my face.

And with the knowledge that Jefe and his family referred to me as part of theirs, the neighbors were looking at me with strange looks when they saw my tears. I did not understand why they would do that. Considering how many times Jefe’s wife verbally would speak to me as if I was part of their family. But I’m just going to have to let that go.

Jefe was the one that taught me how to improve on my Spanish speaking skills. I had always feared that he would tell me one thing and as a joke, and it would mean another. If you have seen the movie, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, then you know what I am talking about. But he did not do that. Whenever I asked him how to say something in Spanish, he did help.

He told jokes all of the time. A majority of them, dirty and vulgar. But that’s what he liked to do was tell jokes.

However for myself and most likely for his family, we’ll go on and on with memories of Jefe. Time shall heal our wounds to where we will no longer need to mourn, but to remember. And be rejoicing the fact that I knew him and that he was a part of my life for these past few years. Knowing his pain and suffering is over. And ours one day, will be too.

 

 

 

 

 

Flying to the Angels

I’m just going to have to say that 2011 hasn’t been a year of best things. However, I will say that it has made me stronger.

I woke up from a nap this afternoon to see that I had received a message regarding my lovely friend, Maria. She had unexpectedly passed away Thursday morning. Barely 40 years old, she leaves behind a husband who is totally crushed and two small boys both under the age of 13 and one of them autistic.

Maria loved a lot of things that were similar to my own tastes. Music and the recognizing the beauty of women’s hair.

She was a good colleague and a wonderful penpal. She used to live in the same area as I live today, but I did not get the chance to know her then. I have to laugh that whenever she would tell me that she was having a bad day, or that the weather was horrible where she was, I would always tease her. Trying to convince her to move back to this area at every possible chance I could. I believe Maria knew that I was only playing around.

But today, I am just in total shock. Her best friend of twenty years contacted me to tell me the news of her death. I honestly thought to myself as I read the message that this had better be a joke. But if it was, it wasn’t funny. Yet it was no joke. Maria has left this Earth. She is finished with her journey here.

One of her favorite song was “Fly To The Angels” by the band, Slaughter. I’ve seen it posted countless times on Facebook in her honor. Right now, I cannot even listen to it once without breaking down into tears.

Maria’s bowel some how got twisted, and then it became infected and the doctors were not able to diagnose it as such before she passed away. Maria is suffering no more. I know that she had been complaining of pain in her stomach region prior to this tragic and unexpected event. She hurts no more.

I will miss her. I will mourn.

I know that to many of you who read this, that lately there’s been a lot of “negative” stuff that I write in my posts. Life is what it is. But again, I know that I will be stronger once these difficult times have passed. Death, nightmares, heartache… all of it will soon fade and there will be better days ahead.

I love you, Maria. And will miss you. Rest In Peace, my lovely Angel.

Thank you to my wonderful penpal of nearly 10 years who made this photograph of Maria into what she now has become. I appreciate it.