No Thank You, Jasmine Tridevil

“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.”~ Jane Austen

Since I’m on a roll here ….. 

Dear Whatever-Your-Name-Really-Is,

Your name isn’t fooling anyone.

I know that things must be tough for you, being 21 years old and all of that and out in the scary part of the world known as “Florida” however I don’t think that there’s a single person that I personally know in life who has been impressed by your image which has been thrust into the media lately.

Your ALLEGED $20,000 body modification to your chest is almost laughable. But since the jury is still out on the situation I shall digress.

Your comment about how you wanted to become unattractive to men, so you threw on a third breast IS however the truly laughable part. Instead of being unattractive to all men (simply because you don’t wanna date any more) now you have more breasts than anyone else on the planet, which is going to make you stand out to men even MORE and thus … your plan has officially BACKFIRED.

Seriously speaking though, what is it that as infants we cling to the most especially moments after being born? What is the one thing that gave us comfort as well as nourishment and growth?

BREASTS. 

Its actually the very first thing that everyone on the planet has put in their mouths moments after being born!!!

And you think that throwing on a third is going to turn off a guy? Wow, you don’t know men at all!!!!

One thing is for certain though, this has garnished you enough attention that you truly were seeking to begin with. And that’s all this is: a campaign to gain attention. The spotlight absolutely MUST be put on you, huh?? 

Unfortunately you are not old enough to remember the 1990 original version of TOTAL RECALL starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. The three breasted look already has been done! What you are doing is nothing new or inventive.

And now you want your own television show on MTV.

Let me clue you in on something: MTV is not as popular as it once was. Hardly a soul watches MTV any more. At least to my knowledge people have have abandoned MTV since MTV quit being MTV. And you want people’s attention to watch you on camera on that particular television channel??? Is there any particular reason as to why you want MTV that I am missing or didn’t catch some where else????

I honestly though feel for you, since you are on an attention seeking campaign right now. Starting with that alleged $20,000 boob job. That’s pretty expensive to try to get the guys to turn away. But then have them turn back and look at you while on television.

You really need to figure out what it is you want.

Do you want to repel men or do you want your television show? Because at this stage, breasts are just what men are going to totally dig whether or not its two breasts, three breasts, or one hundred. Let me warn that if you add any more breasts to your chest then the TOTAL RECALL jokes and comments will disappear for sure and you’ll be nothing but looking like a woman with cow’s udders. The “GOT MILK?” jokes will come in full force. (IF they haven’t already.)

Sadly though your attention bid will more than likely be over soon. The Sam Pepper scandal along with what is going on right now in the Middle East and now another public area shooting that happened? All of these things are going to kick you out of the spotlight! And that’s not what you want, is it??

So let’s hurry up and make a decision of what you want to do with your life. The time is ticking on your viral-ness and you are almost out of sand.

I think that you WILL be contacted for television appearances but it won’t be at the caliber you are hoping for. And get ready for the offers to pose topless because honestly your goods are you being topless. Massage therapy now seems like a distant dream. The dream is fading. Better hurry up and catch it!!!

After posting this to WordPress, it was brought to my attention with absolute certainty that this story is in fact, a hoax. And personally I am thankful for that. She still needs to figure out what she needs to do with her life, other than stage hoaxes for attention.

However, since I did not believe in the story’s truthfulness 100%… I did use the term “alleged” when writing because I didn’t think that it would be true. Thank you for those people who were trying to correct the situation, as well as those who were just being vindictive assholes to prove me wrong. Instead of this being an opinionated post, it now shall remain intact on this blog…… but as satire. Thank you all for your “concern”…. DAMBREAKER

Sugar In Puberty

“When I was 14 years old, I decided I could cook. It was either that or puberty. “~ Dom DeLuise

As we all know, going through puberty really sucks!!

I remember when during that time in my life that I had re-discovered this television channel called “MTV”.

Yeah, it was actually MTV and not this rubbish it is today. It was actually music videos 24 hours a day, seven days a week. But on the weekends, they would have their Top 10 Video Countdown.

MTV was a channel that was forbidden growing up. I don’t honestly remember why. But we were not supposed to be watching it.

However, I would always sneak downstairs and watch it in silence, usually with the volume off.

And then one day I found myself watching the Top 10 Video Countdown and then my life would change forever.

I had not paid any attention to what I was watching. I did notice a lot of women dancing around, doing different things, and wearing VERY short shorts.

And then I saw this…

It caught my attention to say in the least. With a body and mind going through puberty as I grew from a boy into a man, how could I NOT pay attention.

The image in the music video progressed. Back then, the high heels, the big hair and often times … really bad hair, and the tight fitting shorts.  

Things were going on inside of me, weird things. But for whatever reason, I liked it!! In fact, I LOVED it and wanted MORE of it!!!!!!!!!!

I didn’t know who she was, I just knew that I liked what I saw. My acne-loaded face began to grin from ear to ear.

I watched as she moved around in those high heels, being twirled around and hugged upon and whatever else. But her image would not last very long on the television screen in this music video.

This was not the age of technology where I could just pause live television and rewind it back and stare and drool.

I would say that I made a mental note of at least which music group made the music video.  It was not something that I had in my music collection.

The image would stay in my head for the rest of the day.

Then at the end of the year, MTV would always do their Top 100.  Again, I got extremely lucky to have been surfing through the television channels with the sound on mute and I would catch the music video again.

It was as high as #13, I believe.  I don’t remember now.

A few days later, I would see an advertisement on MTV that they were going to show the Top 100 again. And I made another mental note of when it started. Ten videos shown (in their entirety mind you), and so it would be on somewhere within the eighth hour which allowed for music videos #100-20 to go by.

My brain synchronized to be downstairs at that time so I could see the delicious redhead one more time.

This time I would catch myself nearly missing out because I was playing with my younger brother in a bedroom upstairs. When it came to me, I told him that we had to go downstairs as fast as possible. I told him that I wanted to show him something.

My poor younger brother would sit there for almost 45 minutes nervously because he knew that we were not supposed to be watching MTV. And he just didn’t want to get in trouble.

Then it came on. I told my younger brother to be extremely quiet and just watch. She would begin to pop up on the screen eventually.

When she did, I pretty much lost control. I went up to the television screen and I kissed the woman’s face on it. There I was standing there, kissing the television.

Let me just add that kissing a woman in real life is nothing like kissing a woman on a television. In real life, her face doesn’t taste like very thick glass.

What happened next, would make me cringe for many years afterward.

I felt someone grab me by the arm and squeeze the life out of it.

I turned around, and it was my father.

My younger brother was crawling along the floor behind my father as to not to be detected by him as he made his escape as he crawled far enough to be out of reach before he was safe enough to jump up to his feet and run like hell back upstairs.

I got into so much trouble!!!!

I was yelled at for what my father’s point of view was, kissing the butt of a woman. I also was yelled at for watching a channel that I KNEW that was forbidden in the house. I was instantly grounded. Grounded from watching television, grounded from going outside. And not to mention I had to spend the rest of the night in my bedroom.

Not only did this woman in the music video began the unleashing of attraction to women, but the song itself would cause some sort of trauma because after that day when I would hear it on the radio,  I would simply cringe and want to die.

My memories of seeing a delicious redhead but rather a cold, dark memory of how I had been “caught” doing something that I should not have been doing, and the consequences that were dearly paid afterwards.

Fast forward out of my budding years into manhood and into my adulthood, at a time when I was living with sister and her family. I was going to be left all alone during the week of the Thanksgiving holiday. So I used my sister”s Netflix account and started renting movies that “I” wanted to watch. And I didn’t have to give way to what the rest of the the adults in the house wanted to watch.

I think I had in the queue anywhere between eight to ten various vampire films. It was a collection of probably the worst low-budget films, mixed in with some foreign classics from the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s.

Enter: Graveyard Shift.

A low budget film that dealt with a very old vampire who was a taxi cab driver. He was a very sad vampire who would only drink the blood of women who were hopeless and at the end of their desperate lives.

I would after so many years, come across this woman again. 

The woman who had captured my attention when I was so young, that I instantly recognized her when she came across the television screen.

But this was different. This was a full length picture. And she came on kind of early in the film. I thought for sure I’d get something more. I knew that if a person acts in a film, and they have a speaking role that they are to be listed into the cast of characters which either rolls at the end of the film or at the beginning.

And she did have a speaking part. I was tempted to skip through the DVD to the very end to find the cast of characters, once I figured out what her character’s name was.

But I didn’t. I wanted to see just how much of the vampire story she was going to be a part of. Her character was of a stripper. And there was nudity. Can you imagine what that could have done to me if I had seen the film when it first came out and I saw her naked as a kid going through puberty?

Again, just like her appearance in the music video, she was not on screen for very long at all. But she did speak!

This pathetically lame film from the 80’s turned into a piece of gold.

So when I got to the end, I realized that I never caught on to what her character’s name was. I had to go back to watch and listen closely to see if I could catch on. I was successful.

Her stage name was Sugar Bouche. (Probably pronounced “bush”.) I immediately spent the rest of the night on the Internet trying to find out as much as possible that I could about her. But it was Sugar that entered into my puberty!

Polish born Sugar Bouche lives in Toronto, Ontario. And has had small parts in a variety of films. All of which were either low budget or just didn’t do very well at the box office. An actress, a singer, and surprise surprise- an exotic dancer in the Ontario area for a while before she left that all behind and CURRENTLY is more focused on the rights of animals around the world.

She had her own “dot com”. And I e-mailed her, giving her the stereotypical adoring fan message. I told her about how long I had been looking to find out who she was and was so glad that I found her and I couldn’t wait to find her more and more and more.

Researching her on the IMDB website was also helpful. I would be able to buy these crappy films off of eBay just to see her in them. And nine times out of ten, her character was a stripper. I would also buy her album that she recorded called “Future Gospel”. Yet I didn’t listen to it much. It was really there for nostalgic purposes of being part of a memorabilia collection that included very old and used VHS cassettes of the films she was in.

But I would become rather disappointed in the “dot com”. Even though I was receiving back replies to my messages, I caught one message that said “she/her” instead of “I/me”. Someone else apparently had been running the site. Or at least the e-mails.  

Soon after, the “dot com” would vanish and would be no more. But I would find Sugar Bouche on MySpace, then on other social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter. Her focus was on the animal activism that she was involved with.

Her being in Canada made any dream of meeting her in person a very challenging one to the point of surrender of thinking that I probably never will. But one never knows, anything is possible.

Today, I have no idea where she is. I have no idea what she is doing in her career. I do know that her Facebook profile is still running and available. And the reason as to why I am writing about my stories about her in the first place is because the 27th of September is her birthday. Or that is what it has been posted as.

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUGAR! Wherever you are!!