Cancellation Prone

“The moving finger writes, and having written moves on. Nor all thy piety nor all thy wit, can cancel half a line of it.”~ Omar Khayyam

For most of my adolescence and young adulthood, I had always considered and thought that a cancellation was based on something more than it actually was.

Throughout my high school years, I was THE KING of no-shows, no calls, being stood up, and downright cancelled at the last possible and final minute.

Not that I was the one doing the cancelling but rather I was being cancelled upon!

I recall asking a girl in high school if she wanted to go out for some ice cream after a vocal performance in which the entire town was going to be attending. Yes, I asked her out on a date. And I even explained that she and I would both be performing in our perspective choirs and therefore afterwards, all she had to do was drive the both of us to get ice cream and then after we were finished, drop me off at home.

My parents were not that willing to believe that it was going to happen. My father stayed behind, until he and I were the only bodies left in the auditorium nearly an hour and a half after the ending of the performance.

I didn’t even cry or get upset about it. It was like I was actually expecting it to happen and then it did. The worst part of it was that I had a class with that girl the next morning and she would be forced to deal with it. The only optimism that I received was my father telling me that I didn’t have to spend any money and I still had that money in my pocket for something that I might really and truly want later on…. OTHER THAN taking a girl on a date.

That next day in class, I did receive the explanation that she was told to come straight home from her parents after the performance and she didn’t want to get into further trouble at home. But I received nothing in notice of this and I could have saved myself the humiliation of standing there all alone with my father and gone straight home or done something different.

I didn’t say anything to her. I didn’t point the finger. I just nodded and never brought it up again. Until now.

Throughout the rest of my adult life, I began to wonder if the problem was who I was. Particularly when it came to the areas of dating and relationships.

I knew that I would be rejected by many. But I was confident that eventually a NO would turn into a YES. And at times, I would receive that YES. But again, only to be cancelled on or stood up and without any good reason as to why they never showed up.

I just couldn’t understand the why. And I began to blame myself for it. Was I coming on too strong after the woman agreed to the date? Was I in some way, being a total and complete douchebag because I finally found someone who would say YES??

Fast forward to these past months of 2013.

I’ve been up and knocked down so many times that its not worth counting the times I’ve dusted off and got back on the horse. I’m just glad that the horse never runs away when I get knocked off of it!

These past few months I have been going through it all over again, in one capacity or another. And yes, being rejected really sucks. Its not fun. And it hurts…. really hurts.

But I am done with the self-blaming.

Most recently I have made effort after effort after effort to expand my social life, only to find myself with the ending results that I experienced in my youth. And these were not even circumstances in which dealt with dating or relationships.  So I’m also done with the butthurt.

She simply never told me why she stood me up until she was forced to deal with the confrontation the following day.

To be fair, there are times in which a cancellation must happen because of circumstances that come that are beyond our control. And we must deal with that. I get that. I’ve always known that. But I’ve always excused people’s behavior to be just that.

One must really take into consideration what people are doing to you, when they are continually cancelling on you for a myriad of reasons and/or excuses.

I believe in giving people a second chance in these situations because simply shit happens. But if the shit is constantly draining, then you should really think about the kind of person you are dealing with and realize just how long you are willing to put with that stream of shit that they keep pouring out. How deep are you willing to let it get??

And if you are easily manipulated and controlled, just like I was in high school, then you too will eventually be up the creek with no paddle.

As for me, I can probably give people a chance or two but no more. After that, I must think about the kind of person that I am messing with and see for myself whether or not they are just full of excuses or just cancellation prone.

For myself, having gone through it practically my entire life…. I’ve adopted the “one and done” method. Its basically goes with the expression of fool me once, shame on me.

There are better people out there in this great big world who are worth far more than the people we are attempting to connect with. People who are willing to give to you what you need and open to receive what you are willing to give to them in return.

Those who do not fit inside that category? Think to yourself: Do you REALLY need them??? The answer is probably going to come out as NO. So rid yourself of the anguish. Don’t cement yourself in a place where you are going to be stood up and cancelled on all of the time. Don’t be like I was in high school!!! Its definitely not a picnic.

So here I sit, thinking about those who have put me through this process in most recent times. Ready to shove them into the rear view mirror. Opening myself to different and new opportunities with other people.

One and done, everyone. Are you ready??????

 

One And Done

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened…” ~ Dr. Seuss

Very powerful words there. This coming from an author with the most expansive imagination and capable of entertaining small children. I’d still hate to find out who his illustrator was. I digress.

Life has its cycles, its chapters. With every beginning, must come an end. And of course they always say that in order to open one door, you must close another.

I believe that it is challenging enough without all of these fancy words being tossed around from all sides, only to say those words that you honestly never wanted to hear in the first place. Just because they are not telling you those words, doesn’t mean that they are not saying them.

I said farewell to a friend today. I knew that it was coming though. And it was not a matter of fight or disagreement. Their life simply came to the end of another chapter and so tomorrow morning, they will begin a new one. Unfortunately that meant without me.

Many people come and go throughout our lives. We meet the most wonderful and glorious of people and we also meet the scourge of what we consider to be the most horrible waste of space. Yet those whom we can hold on to for long periods of time, we able, willing, and happy consider them “friends”.

I wish my friend well in their newest adventures of life. And I hope that the prosper to the best of their ability. And who knows? Anything is possible. In this I truly believe. Yet the chances that I will meet up with them again, are next to nothing.

After a long pause in silence and staring at one another, they left and I watched them get into their vehicle and drive off until I was no longer to see their back bumper as it turned into just a tiny dot on the horizon as they climbed the hill along the street that they were driving.

It didn’t really hit me until I had returned home. Realizing that there would be no more phone calls, no more e-mails. I was absolutely overwhelmed. And this really got me thinking about certain things. Mainly the different types of relationships I have with each individual person that I know and have grown fond of.

In the past three years, I have met some incredible people. I say “met”, but not really. Simply put, several people that I have come to know, I have known them from being online. The person that left today was of no exception. Even though they did live closer to me than others whom I associate with frequently.

Now it is true, that I have actually “met” people who have been totally amazing and quite the asset to my life. These are the kinds of people that I would do anything for. We all have those kinds of people in our lives, I think. “Blind Faith” is what I call it.

There are those people that I have become more of acquainted with from online, and the joy that I felt on those days when I was able to meet them face to face. It really is a wonderful feeling in my book.

Yet as I sat upon my couch, staring up at the ceiling, each individual person came to mind that I have grown to know better and better throughout these past few years. What a solemn and frightful moment that would run through my mind, had I not done what I have done in the past to make these people all that more important to me in my life. Had I not known them as well as I do today. And the fearful illusion of actually coming to know these people even better, only to have either never met them in person at all, or met only one time in my life. As was the case with this friend who just left.

Over a year of e-mails and chats and lengthy phone calls led to what seemed to have been a friendship that had been going on for decades. And never once met in person. But I had that opportunity today to meet them for the first time, at least in person. We acted as if this fact was never a part of it. As if we had been around each other the entire time.

I had become the fortunate one today. To have been able to have that opportunity. And still, even though I should concentrate on the fun that was had earlier… I sat there, sighing.

My hands trembling in sync with my bottom lip when the visionary mind games came into place about whether or not I would meet those whom I truly want to meet deep down in my heart of hearts. And the terrible scare of this happening again with them after it was all said and done.

One… And… Done.

To be fair, I think that if I were to meet someone in person and things just didn’t go very well then I would have to agree that “yeah, maybe meeting again is not the right thing to do.” But who wants to think about that??? I sure don’t.

I want to be positive, yet firm, cautious, and open-minded. After all, who goes on a blind date in this day and age and even before you get there, you think to yourself, “Good grief, I hope I never meet this person ever again!”. I don’t think anyone does. If they have, I am sure that their doctors can lead them towards the correct medication and treatment that they are needing.

I have been there too many times in my life, where I have met someone (whether it be from online or not) and I never heard from them again. For me, its not a great feeling. I do not like it! I simply don’t do well in that kind of situation.

Even within the past 12 months, I have become rather commonly acquainted with some really fantastic people. Male, female. Tall, short. Old, young. All of them though: just wonderful as can be.

Some of you may remember in a previous post a few months ago about my trip to Houston. Those people were absolutely incredible. And the thought of never seeing them again, just isn’t an option for me tonight.

I have now developed a determination. I WILL see them again! It may not be tomorrow, it may not even be next month or even next year. But I WILL see them. And I’ve also determined that those whom I have endeared for so very long, and have not met yet, I shall see them as well. And with the exception of some unforeseen tragedy, I WILL see them again.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way. You bet your sweet bottom line there is! And I will find it. So here I come world of friends, colleagues, and acquaintances. If you will have me, I will be there!

And if it does come to the fact that I never really DO see these people again, it will only be because circumstances were as such that I could not control. And I will be happy that I have been able to do it the first time.

Look out world! Dambreaker is on the move!!