Your Laugh Of The Day

“I’ve put up with more humiliation than I care to remember.”~ B.B. King

I am going to tell you this story before I start digging a hole in the ground to hide in for the next week or so.

Life is filled with joy and it is filled with lots of humiliation.

This is a story of the latter.

This morning, I was hunting for some change. And finally I pinned down the apartment manager only to find out that he had no change. In total frustration, I started to spew. And the apartment manager started to spew back.

And then I heard and saw someone walk out the front door away from the office doors. I was curious because I thought I saw someone leaving that I had not seen in probably well over a year, possibly two by now.

I asked the apartment manager if I just saw who I thought I saw and his answer was “Probably.”

I tore out of his office like a lightning bolt, hoping that the person I was chasing was in no hurry to get into their vehicle and leave.

When I got outside, I saw her by the gates and I waited for a second before whistling at her.

And yeah I know, someone’s going to have a problem with that. But this is someone I’ve known for years and years and years and I know that once she saw that it was me that was whistling, she’d just giggle it off.

But whistled LOUD and PROUD. I was definitely making a bold statement to get her attention.

Then I waited for her to turn around and look in my direction.

IT WAS THE WRONG WOMAN!!!!!! 

Ohhh, what have I done? What have I done? The wave of shock and humiliation warmed over me like a cloud of death.

The strange woman looked in my direction and then proceeded on her way. She did nothing, she said nothing. And that was the end of it as I scrambled to turn around and go back inside of the office building.

She could have yelled and screamed and chewed me out. And I would have deserved every last bit of it, but she went away.

And now I sit here and think of all the different times I saw someone with long hair flowing down their back, only to find out that it was man. And that has happened more times than I want to admit.

Similar situation here.

I know that I am not the only one that has gone through this, but it is still humiliating nonetheless.

My Monday is starting out to be embarrassing. How’s your Monday????

No Thank You, Just Trying To Catch A Bus

“Sometimes we go out of our way to make someone love us in return, but suddenly fate intervenes and says oops, wrong person.”~ Unknown

So some of you are going to shake your head. Others are probably offer some advice for next time. And the REST of you are just going to laugh, either a little or a lot.

The path starts out in red and ends up in rainbow.

If I am catching a bus to return home, I have a certain path that I take to get to the nearest bus stop in the downtown area.

The thing to point out is that FOURTH STREET is known for it being the district where all the gay bars are at. But I only need to go along 4th Street for two blocks before hitting the intersection which is the actual bus stop.

So I went on my usual path. As I said, I figured out why much of downtown was closed off. The very hard way.

There were so many people crowding both sides of the sidewalks along 4th Street, and so I had to go into the middle of the street, hoping that I would not get hit by a car or arrested.

But what I would end up doing is finding myself going down the middle of the street which actually was a major section of a Gay Pride Parade route.

I would say at least 1,000 people cheered and screamed at me as I attempted to get to the intersection and out of everyone’s path as quickly as possible. Harmless mistake.

OOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Friday Morning Java Juju

“I love to eat – Kit Kats or cookies-and-cream ice cream. I need sugar like five times a day.”~ Kim Kardashian

First off, Happy Birthday to that ultra special someone!!

One simply does not just talk to me in the morning. It does not happen. Nor will it ever happen. There are people here that have learned that the hard way. There are still others who don’t get it or don’t want to. So when the silent treatment is given, its not to punish, its to protect.

I just fly off the handle too quickly if I am not 100% awake yet.

Enter: Coffee consumption.

This morning though was a tragic error which actually has some comedy to it. So I am writing about it for YOUR ENTERTAINMENT this morning while its still fresh on my mind. As well as in my system.

Let me explain.

I rolled on in, as I do most Monday through Friday mornings and grabbed a coffee cup and poured myself a cup. As I began to add creamer and sugar, I realized that nothing was coming out of the sugar dispenser. Meanwhile saying nothing to anyone and ignoring anyone who was trying to talk to me.

I grabbed the sugar dispenser. I shook it. Nothing came out. I rattled it harder, still nothing came out.

I pounded on the bottom. Nothing!!

So I unscrewed the lid — see where this is going??

I gently gave it a shake and noticed that it seemed like a massive GLOB of sugar that was practically a solid. I carefully tipped it over the top of my coffee cup and gave it a shake.

Measuring solely by the absence of sugar from inside the dispenser, a mass of sugar about four inches from the dispenser fell out of its container and into my coffee cup. It didn’t make a splash or a mess. All of it vanished within the molecular composition of the caffeinated liquid.

I was in trouble.

I grabbed for a spoon to stir it all in. I wasn’t going to waste the coffee. Not with these people watching. If they would see me throwing out the over-sugared coffee they would have had something to say about it…………. for the rest of the day!!

I said nothing and acted like nothing happened. But the spoon that I was stirring wasn’t doing anything. Apparently all of that sugar was already dissolved inside of the coffee.

I guess I won’t need to get the donuts today. The coffee had enough sugar for a month’s worth of Friday morning donuts.

So I feel sorry for anyone that makes contact with me for the next several hours. As well as do I apologize.

This (for others) will probably be a Friday that most will never forget.

I’m not looking forward to the “CRASH” to come later…………….

God Save Us All!!!

 

Papal Profanity

“The language of excitement is at best picturesque merely. You must be calm before you can utter oracles.”~ Henry David Thoreau

So Pope Francis spoke at the Vatican today. But a little slip of the tongue due to a minor mishap caused him to really let loose the KRAKEN!!

The Kraken of all profane and dirty words that is.

Umm okay, you’ve seen it and heard it before. What is the big deal?

I know that he is kind of a big deal for a billion people on this planet, but he’s  still human. He was born of earthling parents, grew up in the Church and what not. And still, he remained human. 

Now he is the leader of the largest group of Christians in the world.

And he dropped the F bomb in Italian. Big deal. You’ve probably said it at least 50 times already since you woke up. And he says it once on video, and its big news.

Calm down people.

 

Pathetic Parenting

You have no idea.

http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/family-photo-session-not-average-day-beach-193509461–abc-news-parenting.html

At the end, they laughed and thought it was hilarious.

I’m not sure that dropping your child on the beach as they land, is “funny” necessarily. But hey, whatever floats your boat. Here’s to hoping CPS doesn’t knock on your door any time soon.  I am not saying that what happened, happened on purpose…. but geez!!!!

 

Marriage Proposal Uproar

“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. “~ Michel de Montaigne

This afternoon, I heard the horrendous roar overhead. I was annoyed because I was taking a nap. So I went outside and looked up to see what was going on.

There was an airplane flying low in the sky, carrying a banner for someone’s marriage proposal.

It circled by time after time after time.

But I noticed something very strange. There was no name attached to it. It didn’t specify who the marriage proposal was for OR who it was from.

I watched as this plane cruised towards downtown.

I was horrified. How many other people saw it? And worst of all, how many romantic couples had seen it AS a couple?? Men all across town who are taken are in grave, grave danger!!!

I would hate to be in downtown today. Who knows what kind of trouble that simple error which could have been avoided, has caused??

I’m all for creativity. And I’m all for love. But blank proposals like this could destroy the reputations of people. And I wonder if the person for which it was intended had actually seen it? And even more curious- did she say YES??

C’mon guys! I know that it can make you nervous to pop the question to you girl. But you’ve gotta be a little more thorough than this.

And ladies tell me truthfully: Whether your man forgot to include your name on the aerial banner, if he pointed it out that it was meant for you, would you say YES?

What is the most romantic proposal that you have heard of? Was yours romantic or fun?

 

Moments In Uncle History

 

Well, nothing can save me now.

As I was sitting in the passenger seat of my sister’s vehicle, my seven year old nephew and two and a half year old niece in the back seat, the adult conversation that was taking place in the front was not under exemption of being heard by the younger ones in the back.

I thought that I was having the common decency to lower my voice to a whisper, and only speaking loud enough to where my sister could hear and I didn’t have to repeat myself.

We were having a discussion about someone, and I ended my sentence with the commentary of “What a jackass!”.

To the horror of my own hearing, and most likely my sister, in the back seat came the emulation from the two year old.

The vocal response of “quack whas” that came from my niece’s mouth put my sister and I both in shock and in a fit of hysteria. But neither one of us could figure out which way to take it.

The seven year old knew better. I was anticipating his reply to be “Bad Word! Bad Word!”, but when he heard the adults in the front start to laugh a little bit, then he decided to chime in with his own rendition of “quack whas”. But his version sounds more of an impaired version of “cracked glass” instead of “jackass”.

For the remainder of the evening, the older sibling kept pushing his luck by trying to get the younger one to say it again and again and again. But THIS UNCLE was very fortunate that she never uttered the phrase again. At least not in my presence.

But to hear my two and a half year old niece try to talk is often funny at times. My sister and I often reflect on the time back in June when we were trying to teach her the word “pine cone”, and she kept saying “pine corn”.

Just a couple of months later, she does say it correctly. So now the amusement of “pine corn” is nothing but history.

Now she has a new phrase that she stumbles to say correctly. Perhaps its just a mouthful to her at this point.

“Stop! In la la la la la”. Or to us, “Stop! In the name of the law!”.

I have pondered such implications about the unfortunate English lesson that my niece jumped in on. Of all the things to teach a child, why did it have to be that she’s got the hearing of a bat? Does it show that I do not have any children?? I think it does.

One thing is for sure, as long as its not being repeated to her at home, and as long as I am not saying it again in front of her, she’ll forget all about it soon. I cannot really stop the seven year old nephew though. I’m not sure if he’s been trying to get her to say it again and again. The boy just knows that its “wrong to say” and she is “saying it wrong”.

I knew better though. And it could have been a lot worse. I could have censored myself, instead I chose full throttle language at a greatly diminished volume and she STILL caught on!!

 

Firestarter

‘Hearing through the grapevine’

“Even a mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement.”~ Henry Ford

 

Well, I guess I’m potentially gonna be a butt load of trouble soon. I probably have tomorrow to live through it, a few days from now I might not be so lucky.

 

What started out as an innocent private and personal investigation, could possibly turn into a bunch of back biting and mistrust amongst the nurses, the physical therapist, and other employees within the home health agency that is currently working for me. Hopefully not, but at the very worst on my end, they’ll drop me and I will have to go with another company. Or things are about to get very dull and anti-social because they won’t wanna talk with me in fear of being brought up again.

 

This agency is working out for me so much better in the first place. Not like the one that was shoved into place without my input.

 

Needless to say that I still believe that the grapevine is NEVER a place to receive information. Believing in gossip and rumors is terrible and involving yourself in them is poison.

 

I was informed by a nurse this past week that “I” was discussed in length at their weekly staff meeting. A few people said different things about me and my current health status and other things.

 

So when I heard about it? Well, they mentioned names, but alas they had forgotten that I know the people in which names were dropped.

 

That wasn’t the problem. At least not for me. What was bugging the crap out of me was that I would begin to receive information about a conversation over me, and then suddenly right when things were rolling and I was hearing what was talked about, they’d stop and say, “I CAN’T TELL YOU!”.

 

Umm… you start a conversation and then end it in secrecy? I don’t think so! I don’t go down that easily. And besides, does anyone else in this world believe that to be fair? To begin saying something like that and then immediately shutting it off?? No way! Go from beginning to end. Finish what you started.

 

So that immediately began my investigation.

 

But today as the nurse came to do the dressing change to the surgery wound, I started to pull out all of this information that I had collected from the previous workers. This nurse isn’t stupid. She knows what was said by who at the meeting and who could possibly have told me that such information could have been given to me.

 

She stood firm and said nothing else about the meeting. The only thing that she did do was admit to what she had said about my case at the meeting, and in dramatic flailing style. Oy vey!!

 

Then I heard her say, “Guess I need to be more careful about what I say in front of certain people around the office.” Ohhhh boy! This one might look at the others like a group of people who will spill the beans to any patient, and particularly me.

 

In time they are all going to have to realize that I’ve established quite the friendly relationship with the physical therapist, since I’ve with her for a while before. For them to assume anything more than that, would just be wrong. So yeah the PT and I are going to talk. We have ever since I can remember. What we talk about is not the business of anyone but her and I. But then that seems a bit double-sided as I am pretty bad at this investigating thing to see what ALL was said about me in the meeting.

 

I told a dirty joke to one nurse. I think she got embarrassed. And so she announced that I am kind of a flirt. Ain’t that nice?

 

I only told the joke because #1- humor and laughter is the only thing that distracts me from them doing their job which on certain days can be very uncomfortable. And #2- I thought she’d be “adult” about it. But evidently it jumped the fence and did a sprint straight to her emotions and she turned red about it.

 

LOOK OUT!! I’m DIRTY!!!!!!!!!! Oh well.

But now I hope that things don’t get wonky with them. And just how much of a backlash could I expect from this? It is a bit creepy to think about. But I’m gonna do my best and try not to worry about it. I am who I am, and they all know that by now. I just hope that their information sharing isn’t going to get them all in a sticky situation.