Posts Tagged ‘pain’

Conquering The Sickness

Posted: September 22, 2016 in Uncategorized
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troublegettinghelp“A hospital is no place to be sick.” ~ Samuel Goldwyn

Wow!! It has definitely been a long time.

This afternoon I’ve been battling whether or not to talk about this here on Dambreaker. But I decided to at least do it for myself. If not, for others.

I’ve been sick. Like REALLY sick for the longest time, with edema in my legs. I guess it happens frequently to wheelchair users as their legs dangle downward when they are sitting upright.

I was no exception. Definitely no exception.

At last, it got so bad that they were draining fluids on their own and my skin was in horrible condition. Not to mention any infection I may have had.

I finally made the decision to go to the emergency room via ambulance.

This would be a turning point in terms of my health. The moment I arrived, everyone who gazed upon my legs was in pure shock.

It did not take them long to make the decision to admit me into the hospital. But I knew that was coming any way.

After getting fluids, antibiotics, and pain killers in my system. I felt that I was on the road to recovery. And depending how long it would take the edema to go away from my legs was  good question.

I even had two musician friends come and visit me while in the hospital. So cool…thank you to them for showing up.

But a few days later, I woke up around 5:00 AM in so much pain. I was cold and shivering and it was uncontrollable. By the time the sun had come up, I was fading in and out. And I could not keep my eyes open at all. And I couldn’t find myself to keep warm. pain

Then I remember nothing but blackness. Like a film or TV show “fading to black”, sort of.

After that, it was a few hours later. Just like THAT!! I was sitting up in bed for a while and then had to lay back down. Nurses and hospital staff were congratulating me for what they said was for “coming back quickly” – but I did not understand. I had to be told that after the “fade to black” feeling, I was flat line for about two or three minutes, then I was revived. Apparently I was gone…. lost… and through the help of modern medicine, I came back.

I don’t recall much of anything about the incident, other than being told that I was “gone for a minute or two.”

Yet I was much, much, much stronger than that!!!! It was NOT my time.

The following day, I was pumping pain killers in me like clock work. By about the second day after the incident, I was being discharged from the hospital. The doctor however said something about going into “rehab” and it was up to me to pick a place to go to.

Rehab? What the hell?? What is this “rehab” you speak of dumbass?

In a panic I picked a location without knowing ANYTHING about the places that were offered to me. NOT A THING. nurse

The place that I chose for “rehab” ended up being “REHABILITATION AND SKILLED NURSING” — yep…. a damn nursing home!!!

What had I done??

So my first 48 hours there was pure torture. Including the fact that the bed was so uncomfortable beyond all measure.

After the first 24, I was in a meeting with the director. I was NOT happy with the way I had been treated. She agreed that it should have never happened. I came back with an idle threat out of frustration and severe anger “Maybe I’d be better off going back to the hospital.” I received no response.

So for seven days, I was stuck in the hell hole known as the nursing home. My roommate was a 70 year old man who was an alcoholic and farted and burped every time he was asleep and started to wake up. Every-single-time.

And of course the sights, smells, and sounds of a traditional nursing home. UGHHHHH!!!

But this afternoon… today…. I came home.

I’m not feeling quite 100% but I am so glad to be home. And I NEVER wanna go through that kind of crap ever again. From the near death to the misery. Never, never, ever.

I am alive. I am home. That’s all there needs to be.

pointfinger

“Okay, most people at school make fun of meand they… and they… and they never… and they never talk to me, Ernie. They never, ever talk to me.”~ Giovanni Ribisi in ‘The Other Sister’ [1999]

I suppose that in my life of personal trials and tribulations that society will always amaze as well as shock and offend me.

I don’t want to sit here and pretend that there’s some hidden magic pill that nobody has found yet that the entire population of Earth can consume and make things so much easier and nicer. Mainly because that magic pill just doesn’t exist.

But then again there are some things in life that people in general should never EVER have to put up with.

Its been a long time since I’ve posted something about discrimination and believe me when I tell you that I did not think about wanting to or having to ever again. But here we are, and here we go!!

As members of the human race, there are certain ways that I would think would be quite obvious in how to act and how not to act. I’m just simply dumbfounded whenever I am faced with a case of someone missing that memo entirely.

Over the weekend I watched in horror and with much anger and rage of a young woman in a wheelchair that was too large for her in comparison attempting to catch up with a group of people. Her peers. And the thing of it was that she was going up a hill very slowly. STAIRS-WHEELCHAIR-570

None of the members of this peer group bothered to turn around to help her up that hill either. And so I watched until I could take no more.

When I had reached the helpless young woman, I could see that tears had been pouring down her face and her fingers were now damp and moist and having trouble grasping on to the bigger wheels to help her push forward.

I slammed her brakes on for her so that she wouldn’t go sailing backwards and asked if she wanted help even though the look upon her face was screaming for it.

I would soon be horrified and enraged to realize that the tears coming from her frustrated and tired eyes were not because she was having trouble getting up the incline, but rather the words that were being shouted at her from the group of peers ahead of her at the top of the hill. None of which were looking back at her.

The filthy comments followed by a collective laughter came after each and every insult towards her and her disability and her INABILITY to get up what they were calling “a simple and lousy hill.”

The more I heard these people talk, the worst their insults became.

I finally decided to let the girl latch on to the back of MY wheelchair and I pulled her up the hill at our own pace. Not fast, not slow, but our own pace. There was no emergency so there was no need to rush things. Before we both knew it we were at the top of the hill.

Gazing out at the peer group as they began their descent of the other side of the incline, I specifically instructed the girl to go to the right at a certain point and then swing left to come back because the incline was just too steep and if she would have gone down the other side of it straight on, she probably would have gone so fast that she would have ended up in traffic. Her tiny body was no match for the bulky wheelchair and her hands probably would not have been able to handle “breaking” while going downhill.

It didn’t make sense to her at first so I had decided that I was going to SHOW her what I was talking about and told her that she should copy what I was doing.

So I did. I went sailing down the incline swerving right then left and then came to the bottom of the hill and found myself AHEAD of this woman’s peer group.

It was then that another disgusting factor was made known that these people who were hurling insults at her, saying that she was worthless to climb over a hill and needed to be put down and shot, or the fact that her mother should’ve swallowed… these were not kids, but adults.

I’m guessing early 30’s??

Some of them saw me and ignored me. And that was fine. But when she showed up just as fast as I did they started picking on her some more. Crying-Woman-Sitting-In-Wheelchair

I asked the girl who was apparently enjoying her self-induced adrenaline rush how she knew these people. They were “friends at school” but it didn’t sound like very good friends in my opinion.

She said something that triggered a quote that came to my mind that I put at the top of the post. She talked in a soft whisper about how she was only trying to fit in with these people. I told her that she didn’t need them. At least not THIS GROUP of morons.

Sadly this was the only group of people that she knew.

What made things worse was that she barely knew them and had enticed them ALL with the fact that she she was loaded with money- or I should say her family is.

Buying friendship.

I most likely would have cried but the relentless pickings at her expense were continuing to flow.

Everything was beginning to reach a point with me that was showing signs of overflowing.

I threw a rock ahead of the gang to get their attention because they simply had no interest in turning around. In fact I could hear them complaining about how they wished they had a vehicle so that they could get away from her. After all, they used her up for her money to get what they wanted and they were finished with her and just wanted to go on their ways.

I SNAPPED. 

This was all too familiar for me as I reflected on my own life. Rage was taking over…. wishing I had smacked one or two of them with the rock I had thrown, but it was only tossed to gain their attention.

I shouted at them to return back to where she was using a forceful tone. Most started to move towards us.

I put them all into a state of eternal shame and butthurt as I gave the following lecture and then I walked away hearing nothing but crippling silence behind me:

“Just what is wrong with you? Do you not realize what you are saying is actually damaging? Yeah, I know you all think that you sound like some bad ass tough guy, coming up with what you are coming up with to say in front of your own kind… but to do it at HER expense? Tell me, how many of you actually know her? I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY know her?? How many have spend many-a-hour over the telephone just chatting the days and nights away with her, or did you all just agree to hanging out with her because she flashed some quick cash in your greedy, selfish, self-centered, non-caring faces? 

YOU are the groups of people that need to be swallowed! YOU are the people that need to be ‘put out of your misery’ with force. YOU are the people that completely and totally worthless. 

But no, you don’t give a flying shit what others think or feel. You just care about take-take-take. All of you are more disgusting than Jabba the Hutt with your idea that its okay to take advantage of someone just because they are living a life that makes them financially well off. I guarantee you that NONE of you have ever thought once about this girl and her feelings or her needs or her wishes or her desires. 

How fucking ridiculous you are to not even offer help to her. Its hot and humid outside today. She’s not able to handle the wheelchair that she is using because her original wheelchair won’t fit anywhere. Just suck up the money she has in her purse, feed yourselves until you are fat and satisfied. Gluttony, really!! And I would dare to guess not even a ‘thank you’ was given to her for her kindness and hospitality. 

This shall soon come back to all of you one of these days. Maybe not today or tomorrow but soon. Trust me. A woman once told her child that I had AIDS because she was wanting to scare her child to get away from me. Five years later she was hit by a train and now she’s in a wheelchair in worse shape than I am. 

You all though…. you are absolutely no better than her. She may be small. She may be tiny. She may be slow. But you have shown your asses. ALL of you …. are worse than she is, even without a physical disability.” 

 

Closing Chapters

Posted: January 5, 2014 in Uncategorized
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amazing-change-feelings-love-people-Favim.com-266196

“If I were asked, it’d be a hard decision, but I’d lean toward no. The Playboy chapter in my life is now closed. I would definitely model, but I don’t think I would pose nude. I’m on to the next chapter of being a mom and a wife.” ~  Kendra Wilkinson

Less than a full week into the new year of 2014, already I can sense the changes in my life. Some good, some bad, some sad, some pretty amazing!!

As previously mentioned, I believe that I was the most fortunate of people to have been able to come out of my own shell and look around me. To be able to gaze to the left and to the right of me to see what I honestly did and did not have. I could see that I literally was in a forest. hurting-man

And because I saw what I did, it was the smallest of things that I had been missing that was causing the most pain and damage. When your life teaches you that you are about to come to the end of the chapter,  you still grieve because it is still a loss. Those people that you thought would be there for forever end up being in your life for a shorter time than you once thought and now they are gone.

But there has to be many chapters that come  to a close to allow life to open another one. And we never really know what will happen as we never know the future.

I think that though there’s got to be some good coming from opening a new door or a new chapter. I mean personally speaking… already ever since I realized that I will eventually have to take out the trash of my life, I found new relationships to savor and enjoy. One north, one south.  man-crying

My point being that it took the pain of cutting loose those who were poison to be able to allow myself to heal and then make room for the new. And to be honest, I’m happier with the new. Much happier than what I was with that has seemingly “been there for me” for these past recent years.

Also, yes it did hurt. And it is hurting really bad. But this pain is temporary and will eventually go away.

 

An Angel's Tears

“Crying is cleansing. There’s a reason for tears, happiness or sadness.”~Dionne Warwick

Part Two as promised.

This morning when I woke up, a little more refreshed than usual. Feeling better and now that the fun was done, it was time to return… no matter how much I didn’t want to.

But I AM getting better with that feeling and wrestling with it.

I did shed a few tears because I was leaving Houston and leaving friends behind, but just for a brief moment.

I did not actually foresee that when I got off the bus, I would be greeted with the news of the death of a friend of mine. She died in the hospital the night before.

So today has been difficult. It feels like I have landed into a pile of shit that has me stuck all the way up to my knees after being up and above and beyond cloud nine.

This is the widow of El Jefe, who actually passed away a year and a half ago. The two of them had actually been married for over 40 years, nearly 50 before he died last April.

After that, she kind of gave up. She was so depressed. She got sick and was in the hospital this last week. But then when I had heard the stories about her having dreams about her husband telling her to “come home” I knew that the end was near, just not really sure when that would be.

It would be while I was in Houston celebrating with the family of Froth.

So I am heartbroken that my friend has gone. But I know full well that she’s no longer needing to give up. She’s no longer needing to deal with being sick or depressed.

She leaves behind five children and several grandchildren. And now I will go to be with her children as they were like elder siblings to me. Hell, even El Jefe when he was alive called me son.

So I’ve been from one end of life’s spectrum to the other. Its not the best experience to deal with, but I will find a way to cope and then remember the good times that were had. But I feel so bad for the children as they lost both parents in less than two years.

??????????

5yrs

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”~ Nelson Mandela

Five years. Seems like a lifetime ago already. A moment marked in life that is significant to nobody else in the entire world, but me.

The 30th of September in the year 2008, was the long yet almost simple journey to my personal freedoms from a relationship with a woman whom I had no longer feelings for, and had also feared for my own life. And with good reason.

After surviving in a place with no outlet, no freedoms of my own, no voice, no opinion, and existing as nothing but someone on the arm of a woman who happened to be a few years older than I, eight months of that mental prison and it came down to this day where I left without saying a word, without giving any sort of clue that I was leaving, nothing.

I just up and left.

After being ignored to my feelings, thoughts, and wishes of what was to be “OUR HOME” between my last girlfriend and I, The relationship and all of its connecting parts had breathed its last breath. From that point on, I knew that there was nothing in the world that I could say or do within my own powers to make her change her mind or even consider changing her mind on how she lived her life and/or behaved.

Two separate ships sailing away from each other in the same ocean. One sinking, the other one sailing in circles.

I had proven to my family, myself, and to anyone else in the world that CHANGE is still possible. You just have to want it bad enough to do something about it. And then actually DO it in order to get it.

I had actually cried over the telephone when speaking with my elder brother and the sounds of my tears and frustration and sorrow really struck a nerve with him. Within one month, a plan had been put together by my family to help me escape my dark and lonely existence in a place where I was thousands of miles from anyone who honestly and truly cared about who I was and how I felt.

Even to the point after confessing my sadness to my family where my girlfriend would once come home from work after having a seriously bad day, not wanting to cook and wanting to go out to eat so that we were fed. When it was explained to her that there was no money to go out, she began to unravel from within. As she began cooking preparations with kitchen utensils that belonged to my departed mother, she came after me when I told her one last time that we were NOT going out to eat for that evening, and she had to cook if she wanted to eat. Deflating her efforts to plunge that kitchen knife into my chest cavity and ending up with her sobbing and shouting her words of hatred towards me.

One week before (on the 23rd) the plan was explained to me. And I had to be able to keep things quiet and not let anyone on to anything for seven full days.

My elder brother coming up from the south all the way up into Rhode Island to basically grab me and send me out of the trap of a household, all while the girlfriend had made her daily route to her job. I left in the early morning hours of that day, dropped the key in the mailbox, said farewell to the two cats that she owned and never looked back as my brother and I cruised down the Interstate which lead us to the airport in Providence, Rhode Island.

I had made the decision to return to Texas with the lessons learned in my brain. My sister picking me up at the Austin airport and I lived with her family for six months before I returned back to the same apartment that I had lived in before… to this day, is being said is still a miracle that I would return back to the same unit. But here I am.

Leaving the girlfriend in a confused state of mind, when she realized I had left with no real explanation left behind. Only that I was leaving and that I was finished with the relationship. The lengthy, four paged written “Dear John” letter that was scribbled on a legal pad would be mailed to her from a neutral location so she was unable to track my whereabouts.

All because she swung a knife. (And the confusing tale on my family’s behalf of whether or not her family still had ties to the New England mafia. In which they honestly did not. She just had a relative that was born by the seed of the head of the mafia many moons ago, a great aunt who had been dead for a few years by that point in time. My family still were confused though for whatever reason.)

Starting over with very little of my own possessions and only a few important documents and momentos, beginning at the ground level all over again.

Its been a hard road as I have not recovered in that aspect. But in these five years I have matured, I have learned, and I have gained MORE than what I had BEFORE I entered into that ill-fated relationship. And yet to this day I find life to be more satisfying without the things that I had, compared to having that knife actually plunged into my thorax.

Yes… there are a lot of times where I stop and think about where I may have placed something, wondering why I cannot find it. Only to finally remember that it was not brought with me in the Great Exodus. And I must somehow deal without. I think that for the most part, I honestly cannot complain about material things too much. For the other things that I have gained in my life in the past five years is, as the saying goes, more precious than silver or gold. setfree

Its not where I thought I would see myself in the year 2013, but it is far better than the ultimate and other option of being six feet under.

I now have friends that surround me with love and TRUE care when I visit Houston. And I also have those who will in silence, support me in whatever I do, which is a great span from California to Canada to Florida and New York and over across to France, Norway, Germany, New Zealand, and Russia. And the one thing that lights up my day about them all is that had I stayed with the girlfriend, these relationships would have never blossomed into anything at all if she was still around. I would not be friends with ANY of those of whom I speak of here. Because that’s the kind of person that she was. SHE had to be the one and only #1 person.

I have been without a romantic relationship since in my personal life. And some how, some way, I continue to breathe every day. I sleep at night and rise in the morning, and nothing becomes frozen over. And yes, it does get lonely and often times I wished I had someone to share my day and my night with. But if that is to happen for me in my life, then it will come at the proper time.

But until then, I can be eternally grateful that I have a family who was loving me enough through the stupid mistakes that I made during that relationship, so much that they still helped me when I called for help. I can be eternally grateful for those that are “new” in my life, and have been so positive and promising for me. And those are the people that will never stray from my life.

People come and people go, but they are the ones that remain. 525356_454686747955875_1230830816_n

So here I am in 2013, a few years older. A few more grey hairs. Lots of time to think. And lots of time to learn how to truly live.

For those of you who ARE in my life (and you know who you are) I LOVE YOU. And I always will.

Five years since I started this new journey, and we’ve still yet to come to the end of the road.

 

 

 

 

 

shitshitshitshitshitshitshit

“The foolish and wicked practice of profane cursing and swearing is a vice so mean and low that every person of sense and character detests and despises it.”~George Washington

For many months now, I’ve been suffering through some significant neuropathy pains. Unfortunately now, its getting in the way of every day things. Including me playing sledge hockey.

So when a nurse came over the other day to ask how that pain was doing, I told her that I had self-diagnosed myself with Nocturnal Tourette’s Syndrome.

When she asked what that was, I told her that in the middle of the night when this neuropathy pain strikes and is strong enough to wake me up, I wake up screaming and cussing.

She wasn’t sure whether to take me serious or laugh. When I smiled at her, she broke out into laughter.

It is true though, I wake up screaming and crying out in so much profanity that I would take down the whole naval fleet in humiliation by comparison. And of course there is no such thing as Nocturnal Tourette’s Syndrome, but it was descriptive enough to get across to the nurse that I am suffering a lot of pain with this neuropathy. Particularly at night.

I personally suspect the REAL problem to be Carpal Tunnel.

But soon, very soon, I am going to find out just what’s going on and hopefully I can get some REAL sleep after a while.

 

arguing

“People’s minds are changed through observation and not through argument.”~Will Rogers

It has been a very wild past couple of days. I’m not bragging or anything. I am just saying its been quite an experience.

I’ve gone through some heartbreaking experiences. Things that I won’t go into detail about, but with every experience that I have had that are similar to what I just went through, there’s always been a rainbow at the end of the storm. And that rainbow is the knowledge of what I did wrong, what others did wrong, and how I attributed to what did go wrong.

So the other day I was speaking with someone and I was expressing my hurt, anguish, and disappointment.

Come to find out that my misery was coming from personal disappointment in other people. I had been placing far too much faith and trust in them, and they turned around and broke it by doing something stupid.

For anyone else, they probably would look at this case and think that these people that I put so much trust in, were complete idiots.

So then why did it hurt so much with great disappointment? Others were doing virtually the same thing, but it wasn’t as consequential as the previous group.

Then came in the revelation. The lesson important to life: The ones that we actually care about and love dearly, are the ones that hurt us the most.

Damn. That was deep!!

The ones that we care about the most, are the ones that hurt us.

Through my previous agony, I realized that this was spot on. The people that I loved, were hurting me the most. Why?? Because whatever they were thinking, they were wanting to “help” me or “protect” me. And therefore did and said some really stupid shit, in my opinion. Stupid enough to hurt my feelings to the core.

I’m becoming better and better at recognizing veils of pain and insults. I’m not saying that I am a professional, but I am getting better at detecting them.

And so those who were disappointing me were attempting to veil their harsh words.

The other thing that makes it true is the fact that when we regard certain people in such high esteem (or even place them up on that pedestal) then we crumble within when we find out that those who we regard so highly does something so low. We believe that they know better, and therefore wouldn’t do it. And then when they actually do it in our faces, your faith begins to shake, and in some cases begins to crack and fall apart.

But these are the same people that will actually hurt you because they care so much about you. Just as much as you care about them. Unless its unbalanced. Then you are just a stalker.

And besides…… if someone does something to you that was wrong, and you don’t care that much about them, it is not going to hurt as much. Why??? Because you do not care and will not take the time to allow your emotions to get tangled up in pain.

I’ve had these past few days to think about who has done what to me and why. And it just comes down to these two main points. That those who care about us the most are the ones who hurt us. And those who we care about the most, hurt us for what they often do.

Its a hard lesson. But I think it is an important lesson to learn.