Head

“Everyone has highs and lows that they have to learn from, but every morning I start off with a good head on my shoulders, saying to myself, ‘It’s going to be a good day!’.”~ Lindsay LohanIf I did not write this down, it would be a complete tragedy and total loss to mankind.

Even though I cannot give specific details, I can give you at least the story which is too good to keep to oneself. I’ll have to change the names. Not for their safety, but to keep my ass from getting sued. Ready? Here we go.

Not that long ago, I was laying in a hotel bed at night just watching television, thinking to myself that I should probably go to sleep because the following morning, I had to get up early and knew that I would be working hard all day long.

The moment that I had the room dark with all the lights turned off, there was a knock on my door.

When I opened the door, they asked for me by name. I said that’s who I was.

It was a woman. More specifically, a prostitute. Hookers aren’t my thing, so I decided to turn her away. But she insisted that either she come into my room or she get paid. She told me that “Mark” had called for her to come to my room, and she was not going any where until something happened. Either her work or her getting paid.

“Mark” had a room two floors above, and I tried to tell her that it was “Mark” that called so she should attempt to get her money from him. But she was insisting.

I slammed the door in her face. But she kept knocking. I’ve never met a more persistent prostitute in all of my life!

So I gave her the money that I had made working for the week to get her out of the hotel and told her to get a cab ride home.

“Mark” was going to get it. I am in charge of “Mark”, so he was screwed.

But I double checked with those that are in charge of me, and to be honest, they do not like “Mark” and they wished that they could find a reason to fire “Mark.”

A small group of people went on a horse riding tour. One of which, took a long a shovel.

Don’t get ahead of me… keep reading!

But in fact, this group of people did gather the manure from the horses, and picked up more and placed it all inside of a plastic bag.

Here’s where it gets hilarious………

I know some people who have worked in the industry with make-up and the like. They took this head full of horse shit and sculpted it into the shape of a head. And then they painted it and made it look like a person’s head. Complete with facial features and everything. The only thing missing were ears for whatever reason.

They put this head and placed it into “Mark’s” luggage.

At the airport, there was an elderly man working. This guy was probably really close to retirement when he began sniffing into the air. Something was wrong. But he couldn’t figure out what.

So he had “Mark” open up his luggage to figure out what the problem was.

The moment he flipped open the lid, that head was right there in the middle of it all. The poor old man working luggage screamed like a pre-pubescent girl. He was terrified at the sight of that head being there.

“Mark” was busy staring into his cell phone when he jumped hearing the old man scream. He looked down and he screamed as well.

“Mark” immediately started to punch at the head, squeezing and pounding it. Allowing for the contents on the inside to scatter all over the place.

That’s right. Horse shit was everywhere. Everything was ruined.

“Mark” soon quit the job a few days later. Not because of the luggage prank, but he started having marital problems being away from home for so long at a time. He went home to fix his marriage.

Moral? Don’t mess with me. Especially if I am the one person you have to answer to.

Screwing With Time Warner Cable

“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”~ Rita Rudner

This afternoon as I found my eyelids protesting and winning to close, I was heavily startled by the sounds of a crying and ringing telephone. 

As I was actually quite comfy laying there I had decided that I would not move from my escape from the cold weather that blasted its way through this morning and even got colder this afternoon. 

I felt that if it was important then whomever it was calling can either leave a message or call me right back again. 

Then I heard the automated system kick in and the phone call was coming from Time Warner Cable. 

They were calling to tell me that a very serious matter needed to be settled and a change in my status of the account would soon be happening.

A.K.A.– I didn’t pay the bill this month. Ooops!! Slight oversight and mistake. 

So up from the nest that I had created and I went straight to the website to pay the bill once in for all via online payment.

Problem solved.

Until this evening after business hours where yet again Time Warner decided to call. 

I didn’t wanna hear their message about how they were fixing to change the status in my account. I had already paid what was past due AND MORE!

So I answered and then hung up. They called back again.

I knew right then and there that this was another automated message and there was nobody LIVE to speak with. 

So I answered a second time but was as silent as can be. I heard nothing. Not a sound. So I hung up. They called back again. 

That’s when I gave it to them just to see if they would stop the recording and put on a live person. 

When I answered I said “HEY-HO-COCK-BITE-SWEATER-VEST-PINEAPPLE-FARTS-CUM-DROPLETS-BIKINI-SHITS-KAYAKING-TOURIST-SEASON-BALL-SACK-GOT-MOISTURE-TURTLE-TURTLE-PUMPKIN-PIE!!!!!!!”

Whomever it is running the show with the switch board and handling the calls to customers over at Time Warner Cable LITERALLY waited until I had stopped talking before they flipped the switch and the automated message came over the telephone, thanking me for my earlier payment and have a nice day. 

Okay, SOMEONE had to hear all that nonsense since they actually waited for me to run out of things to say.

And someone had to have been busting a gut from all of that. Because honestly, I never gave them a traditional telephone greeting.

 

Excusez-moi?

When the summer heat gets this bad and you start to believe that it is going to melt your body into a nice puddle, one must find their own diversion and fun.

I took the liberty to order some food to be delivered via the Internet.

Twenty-one minutes after I completed my order online, they called me. Apparently a little lost, so I gave them the right directions to get to where I am.

When the driver showed up, I grabbed my wallet, snickering to myself and trying to hold it together.

I picked on the delivery driver in the WORST way. When he arrived at my door, I had a bit of fun with him.

I did not speak to him in English. Instead, I spoke to him TOTALLY IN FRENCH!!

It was not all that difficult. It was not the kind of practical joke that would take years and years of studying another language. At first, it was mainly me answering questions with “YES”… or in this case, “oui!”.

Then when I told him in French that I was really hungry and thank you, the poor guy stared at me as if I was about to cut off his head with the Sword of Solomon. It scared him half to death.

I signed the credit card receipt and signed it, writing in very large numbers that there was nothing to be added for gratuity. I could see the poor frightened squirrel of a man just want to disappear.

But in the end I gave him a cash tip of about 27% of the total bill.

I never once broke character. I even had French music playing when he arrived. He should have looked around and seen the things that were all in English.

It doesn’t end there though.

Almost an hour later, the store calls me. I answered the telephone in English. They asked for my name and if I had actually ordered food for delivery. When I told them that I had, and they had already delivered it, the manager of the store says to me, “Okay sir. Sorry to bother you. We just wanted to make sure that we had the right delivery to you, and not some crazy French man in a wheelchair.”

I did all that I could do to bite down hard on my lip and just go on like I did not know what he was talking about. I think though that the manager wasn’t too thrilled at the whole idea. I could hear the deliver guy in the background cussing me out and everything.

A crazy French man, eh??

Hilarious!!!!

Oh well. I might order from them again. It was just too much temptation not to have a little fun on this very warm July evening.