Frustration In Patience

“A man who is a master of patience is master of everything else. “~George Savile

 

This day is hell.

 

Yeah, I know… it will get better. Or tomorrow won’t be so bad or some kind of crap like that. And yes, I know that there will come a day when it won’t be so bad or so hard. But right now in this moment? It is pure hell.

 

This morning, I was overwhelmed by many people to see me. I know that they were here for my healing processes and what not, but going through the motions has brought me beyond the point of breaking down into so many tears.

 

The wound care wasn’t so bad. But it is painful enough. And I just cannot tell whether or not I am healing because I cannot see the wound for myself. I have to rely on the judgement of nurses who come to assist with that. But now that I’m starting with a BETTER home health agency, it’s only been day 2 with them and they really have nothing to go by as to whether or not the wound is getting smaller or healing as it should or whatever.

 

While nursing staff was there, the physical therapist came in for her evaluation as my doctor told PT to come in. I’ve dealt with her before… she’s great! An awesome person, but I’ve not seen her since she discharged me from services about a month ago. I know that she had told me then that if she needed to come back, that she would. However she would not be coming back into my home if the doctor’s orders were to continue to work on the same thing that she and I had been for many months prior, which was the injury to my upper back and shoulders. As she puts it, “we’ve reached that plateau to where there’s nothing I can do that will make anything better.” She also had been doing some deep tissue massage work. (Can you seriously look me in the eye and tell me that nobody would enjoy massage work?)  So I didn’t want her to think that’s what the doctor was having her come in for. Of course she knew better. She saw that my condition had actually become worse than it was from the last time she saw me.

 

How embarrassing for me. And she said she felt sorry that she was seeing me so diminished.

 

Once the nurse left, the evaluation was nearly over. We started to talk about how things have been going for me since she last saw me, but that was stopped when podiatry came knocking on the door.

 

Triple whammy, if you will!!

 

By the time I was nearly done with the PT evaluation, I had gone through so much that I was in pure pain. And several hours away before I could take anything for it.

 

My level of patience clearly isn’t where it could be. Through my tears, I keep wishing and wishing that this was healed and I can get on with life. Not that I am not grateful for the nursing staff and their help and the agreement that PT will once again come back and work with me. But I just wished that my patience would grow. I know that I still have a long road ahead. I’ve only been out of the hospital for a week and a half. It is just like I said in a previous blog post, but with different circumstances, the NOT KNOWING how long this will take, is pushing me towards the edge of insanity.

 

I’m not as fast as I used to be. I’m not as strong as I used to be. But I am still alive and I still have my sense of humor. And I blame it all on being flat in a hospital bed for 11 days, whether that is a correct assessment or not. And now my body’s main focus is to try and heal the wound, taking what seems to be every bit of energy out of me to the point that I cannot do other things.

 

Of course PT recommends that I don’t do a thing over the weekend. But I honestly do not see how I could at this point. So I do not see a problem there.

 

Just at the point where I was telling others that things were getting better, as slow as it has been. Now I feel like I’ve gone backwards. But right now, that’s just how I feel through all of this pain and discomfort.

 

I REALLY NEED A HUG!

 

 

You’re Discharged

This has got to be one of the craziest Mondays I have ever had in my entire life!

I am getting the feeling that I am about to have a lot of free time on my hands in the very near future.

If you have read my posts in the past few days, you’ll understand that a lot has happened over the course of last weekend and a few days beforehand. Of course being “let go” of a volunteer job which turned into a scene straight out of a mid-afternoon soap opera. That was a great start to the day, I thought.

Then my wheelchair got ruined when it collapsed, and I am still trying to work with a different and getting used to it so that I can still be me and live my life. Something as small as a broken wheelchair is certainly a hinderance but it should not stop me. So I’m not going to let it.

But what I find truly astonishing is the fact that the wheelchair that I am using now is a lot closer to the ground and I am using more arm strength to get it to move. This unfortunately has caused a deep muscle injury to be irritated once again and cause enough discomfort that I am just wincing whenever I move. I thought that it was that I had to get used to this wheelchair that I am in now, but now I understand that is hardly the case at all. Its the overuse of my arms and shoulders.

So over the weekend, I’ve been pretty out of it. I’m in physical therapy as well as occupational therapy at my begging of my doctor. I’ve only been through this round of PT/OT for the third week out of eight that is coming to me. PT had a little bit of a late start, but I’m doing pretty well. OT on the other hand got started almost immediately when I got signed on again for home health care.

I’m told now that Medicare has different rules now about patient evaluation. They are to come in and evaluate after the ninth and thirteenth visit. It only makes sense that it adds up to a total of sixteen visits. With OT, I’ve had four so far. The fifth to come again in two days.

In the past I must add, that whenever OT has come by, they’ve worked with me using myofascial massage therapy. And it is great! It really has helped a lot. It helped so much that I actually had one therapist coming over twice a week and I believe that one person was here for about six months, until they got scared that they might be investigated for fraud because they have to show a solid reason to be here to work with me.

The issue is where I have pain is my trapezious muscles. This came from an assault from a crackhead who wanted something that belonged to me and not him. I fought him back and the jerk & I ended up on the ground, wrestling and fighting one another until someone came over and tried to render aid. Well the crackhead when he fell, landed on my back, damaging deep down that muscle. That was two years ago this month and I am still having pain.

It might not be so much from the assault that I am having issues with pain, but rather the fact that I have to use those same exact muscles that were damaged in order to push my wheelchair forward. So it only goes in this vicious cycle of having to use these muscles and therefore getting a lot of pain from it. Yes, the entire situation is very unfortunate to say in the least.

But coming back to the point of this past weekend, and having to deal with another wheelchair and all, I’ve just been a complete mess.

I had a scheduled OT appointment this afternoon. I can not tell you just how much I was ready for them to come in and help work out that muscle some what to alleviate some of the pain. That muscle is very, very tight at the moment and anything would help.

This is the part of what I feel is extremely unfair:

The OT person was five minutes late. No big deal, traffic happens I am sure.

Then there was about 5-10 minutes of socializing and chatter. And then another five minutes or so towards the end of the visit.

By the time the OT person left, I counted off the minutes as if they were on time, and they were only here for 35 minutes. Subtract the five minutes of being late, and the ten minutes of talk at the most, and the five minutes at the end, and I get a grand total of probably 15 minutes of myofascial massage. That was it! And that is if I am being generous.

In previous times with the other OT person, that visit would be 45 minutes long, 50 at the most. And today I get 15 minutes after being in so much discomfort.

So let’s add on to the frustration, shall we?

Even before they got started with the massage, they sat there and told me to my face that they were going to discharge me after the next visit. They suggested that I call my doctor and have him change my medicine to a muscle relaxer.

Great, can you see me on those?? And I thought I was really bad while dealing with the effects of hydrocodone as it puts me into one of those types of moods where people are drunk and they get to the point where they say, “I LOOOOOOVEEE YOUUUUU!!!”…

Yeah, I turn into that guy! Which is very difficult for me to maintain any kind of mutual platonic relationship with a person of the opposite gender. (Especially online with those who are in earlier time zones. When I take that medicine at night and I am almost ready to retire for bed, their evening is hardly coming to a close. I am totally shocked that these women haven’t given me the boot already from previous medicine-induced behavior, whether they knew that was the cause or not.)

A muscle relaxer! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over?!?

The other thing that was suggested was to go to a shopping mall and take in those massages chairs that you see all of the time. I’ve done that before. Its quite nice. I recall once that I got worked on so well that when I got back into my wheelchair and moved away, I felt like I was floating a low-lying cloud! Pretty funny, eh?

So yeah, even though that might work, the suggestion was to go do that a couple times a week. I now have to sit and wonder if this OT person is actually thinking that I am made of money? Don’t get me wrong, I did admit to having it done before and I enjoyed it. But I cannot financially support that kind of self-help therapy.

When they come by again in two days, and after they discharge me.. I will be left alone with just PT. My back will go on untreated. Much like it was today. It bothers the heck out of me that I’m in this position. Why is it that since they cannot find a cure for this, that they just want to give up? Or why does it seem that way??

At any rate, I’m open to suggestions on how to deal with this inconvenience.  Comments below are extremely welcomed.