Boundaries Are Meant To Be Respected

“Boundaries are to protect life, not to limit pleasures.”~ Edwin Louis Cole

Everyone has boundaries. Some extreme, some not so difficult. All of them, REAL.

Even I have certain boundaries. And they are there for a reason. And to be honest, no matter if it is my boundaries or your boundaries or someone else, they are NOT up for discussion and tweaking.

Usually with those people who know me personally, I will explain that I have certain boundaries. I may or may not choose to explain why. Usually I do not explain. And I expect those boundaries to be respected. The same as you would expect your boundaries to be equally respected.

For example, if I personally tell you that I have a phobia of spiders…. this does not give you any license to conjure any and all photographs of spiders and show them to me or post them on Facebook and other social network pages, expecting to get a good hearty laugh when I see it.

That is NOT respect but disrespect. And so then you should not be surprised when I come across to you as pissed off and annoyed and less trusting in you.

I have cut off even my best friends for doing stupid stunts like that. They sent an e-mail to me that I had not known was waiting for me. They told me over the phone that it was important for me to open the e-mail and that I needed to see what photograph they attached. Only to find that it is a photograph of something that I DO have a phobia with.

I haven’t heard a single word from them since that time. Well, I should say that I have not gone out of my way to contact them.  

My boundaries are what they are. They aren’t for you to play with. And don’t for a second think that there will never be any consequences for crossing those boundaries. Never.

If it is something that you did not know before, that is one thing. I most likely will then explain to you WHY I got upset and ask you not to do it again.

If it is something you did know before, or if it was explained to you WHY it is a boundary….. and you do it again, expect very serious and negative consequences.

If I am not afraid to walk away from my best friends, what makes you think I won’t walk away from anyone because a boundary was crossed? Think twice.

This ends the soap box………………………………………

Rant Responsibly

“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”~ Phyllis Diller

So one of my best friends just called me and good grief she was pissed!! (Word to the wise: NEVER piss off a redhead.)

She informed me as to why she was so angry and then told me about how she felt about the situation. I sat there practically silent and waited for her to either just hang up or announce that she was done ranting and venting.

By the time she hung up the phone, she thanked me for allowing her to do that. She’s fine now and said she felt better.

And if anyone knows me, they know that I am the kind of person that is going to allow her and just about anyone else to get things off of their chest, particularly if they are close to me as the person is in this case. So I had no problem with it, yet I was smiling at the end when she thanked me. Perhaps a rare occurence when people rant and vent to me about whatever.

It got me to thinking about something. There’s a lot of ranting and venting that goes on in this day and age. And a lot of it is really not handled in the best of ways. I think that a lot of the times people just bitch and moan and scream all that they want, and that they think its okay because all they are doing is venting. There’s a difference between flying off at the mouth and getting things off your chest.

There is or at least there should be an unspoken ideal that ranting should be done responsibly. Both for the person who is talking, and for the person who is supposed to be listening.

There is nothing wrong with a rant. There is nothing wrong with getting things off your chest. However, if the person who is doing the ranting just goes on and on and on and on without any regard for the person who is listening, then what are they doing, really?? Basically nine times out of ten, they are just talking and screaming only to hear themselves speak. And that’s where the wrongful doing comes into effect.

If something is bothering you, and you know you have someone that will listen to you and you trust them… it is okay to go to them. It is okay to get things out in the clear and search for some kind of peace in a moment of turmoil. But it turns into something bad and NOT okay when you just do it … only to do it and whenever you want to do it. That is what is called “taking advantage of someone”.

Even though in that exact moment where you are letting loose, have some compassion towards others. If you abuse your friends, you will surely lose them in the end. They will scatter like the breeze because they have reached their limitations to what they can handle from all of your screaming.

There is a line. Make sure that you know where it is.

And it also goes for those who are listening. We do listen because we care. We do listen because we want to be able to be there for those whom we care about. So when it is our turn to listen, we need to do so with great intent on hearing everything that is being said, without blowing it off. Believing that whatever it is that they are saying to us is not important would be a mistake because it obviously is for them. Listeners too, must have compassion. We must realize that in that moment, they are not “okay”, and you clearly would want them to be okay in the end. Do not take them for granted.

Sometimes it will be a case of the listener having the opportunity to provide feedback or advice, other times it will just be the case of being there and shutting up. A lot of the times, those who are listening don’t have to say anything because the person who is ranting is already comforted by that fact that you are there and listening. And their battles are already half over.

In my own opinion, I feel it necessary to provide feedback and advice/suggestions. Particularly in cases that are more detailed. If it is just a quick growl and then you are feeling better, then perhaps feedback is not called for. But for those times when a rant or a vent becomes “a therapeutic session”, then yes: I will feel obliged to offer my feedback and suggestions for you. Whether you follow the advice that I give (knowing that I am not a professional), is up to you. But if you don’t- and things get worse because you don’t, then you don’t have much of a leg to stand on to come back and complain some more.

But as I said, not all of the time will feedback be warranted.

Treat them with kindness. Again, with compassion.

I do receive a lot of people who rant when they speak to me. It is because they have been told by me that it is okay for them to do so. Which has been my choice. In fact to those people that are within my inner circle, I encourage it.

No, there are not a lot of times where I am able to rant and vent when I would like to. Is it fair? Probably not. But that’s just the way it is. These people who are close to me, know its okay to go on ranting and rambling. And they also know that as long as they feel better when they are done, then I’m okay with it.

I’ve always been there for friends and loved ones and I am sure that I always will be. And who knows, perhaps there will come a time when they will reciprocate. But currently, I haven’t much to rant to them about personally. It seems a bit better at the moment for me to listen, rather than to speak.

So please rant responsibly. Know that it takes two. And both individuals that are involved, are humans with feelings and emotions. Don’t trample them by taking advantage or just up and dismissing them.

Ties, ties, everywhere there’s ties

I have been there for my friends for as long as I can remember. But now with the Internet and social networking sites, there’s the wide range of possibilities to meet new people and create even more friends and colleagues.

And with that goes the responsibility of having to put up with other people’s days when things are not going so well. Life isn’t always a peach, so when it is the pits- that becomes the true test of whether or not your friendship with that person is true and loyal.

Ever since my first days of being online, I’ve always been there for my friends and colleagues when they have been having it rough. I allowed them to vent, cry, cuss someone else out behind their backs, and do whatever it took to make sure that by the end of all of it, they felt better. I would even be so bold as to maybe offering help and advice at times when they asked for it.

I have fooled around with the notion that I have become some what of an online psychologist. I’m that shoulder to cry on, that ear that will listen. Clearly I say this jokingly as I am not a licensed psychologist.

I have sat through many long conversations online where I have been told that they were in tears, and just needed someone to listen. Yeah, I’m “that guy”. I could probably log in enough hours to have my own little corner of the world and sit by a table with a sign over my head that says, “5¢ please.”

As the years have gone by, the scenario changes. But I’m still that same guy that will stop whatever I am doing and listen to someone if they are speaking to me. Especially if they feel that they are in some kind of crisis or if they feel that they are just going to explode inside.

If any of you have ever watched Dr. Phil on television, then you know where I get the new catch phrase, “I wear the tie.” Yep, that’s me! I am the one that wears the tie. A few people realize this. They laugh and think its cute. But they also understand that I am actually going to be there for them. Most others do not. And this is what I am telling you. I am there for you, and I always will be there for you.

A few people have taken the opportunity to have me listen to them. Others, have not. There are times though that those who do not take that chance, I sometimes wished that they would. But its all a matter of personal choice. I’m never going to force someone to talk to me. Especially during stressful and difficult times.

I have been burned a few times. This is true. I have given my full attention in the past to people and all that they ever did was use me for their chance to just have themselves talk. They weren’t seeking any kind of personal relief from their woes, just personal satisfaction from the thought that someone is finally going to listen to them, and all they do is talk to hear themselves talk.

With the good, always will come the bad. That’s just life in a nutshell.

I received a text message this morning around 1:30 AM. Someone who I had earlier in the day given a text message to, and they were finally able to get around to answering me back. Their day was so bad that it got stressful and confusing as well as distracting and so therefore, that’s what happened. The response came, but it came late.

So I got out of bed and got online and had them tell me what was going on, and explain why it was so late for them to get back to me.

I took a very brutal beating for nearly an hour as they let their frustrations go. But in the end, I had them laughing. They left and I went back to bed. And that was that.

I was not in the direct line of fire from their frustration, but they were able to just get it off their chest. I was glad to have been there for support.

I take these things seriously. Because I know that I too, sometimes need a shoulder to cry on. Does the reciprocation happen as often as I deal with it? No. So what though?

I will literally get out of bed and talk with someone on the phone, online, or in person if they are in need. Doors have been open 24/7 for over 10 years now. And I don’t suppose that’s going to change in the future because that’s the friend that I am.

People have needs. No matter how shallow or great. Its up to the true test of courage as to whether or not you are able to take the good with the bad OR if you’re the kind of person that will only take the good and remove yourself from the bad, trying to avoid it. Just ask yourself: “Wouldn’t I want them to be there for you?”.

I’m not saying let them walk all over you either. You should know the difference between a cry on your shoulder and someone just out for attention. But a friend in need should have friends, indeed.