Five Years Of Blogging

I received the notice from right here on WordPress that it is the fifth anniversary of this blog.

Five years is a long time.

And to be honest, in 2016, I just don’t feel like this blog is doing its job any more. It has been less entertaining. Less educational.

I just don’t see it working its purpose any longer. The feedback has dropped to basically zero.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve written less and less. But that shares no blame with anything. Other than I just haven’t done it.

With over 200,000 views in this short amount of time and knocking on the door of 1,000 total posts, I cannot say for sure what the future of this blog will be. I have left it up to you, the readers, to comment in the comment section below. But …. there’s nothing. With the exception of a butthurt photographer that I “used their photo” and they feel violated enough to threaten me.

And yet I have not made the final decision to take this blog out into the grass and shoot it in between the eyes. So it will still be here for now.

Five years is quite some time. And to think that I had only first decided to use the blog as a form of therapy for me, like a journal. Not really intended for the masses of public consumption. But that quickly changed. And that earned me probably everything that I have with this blog today.

I know this has a negative feeling to it. And you’re probably right. But do not get me wrong, I am still just as thankful for everyone as I was when I just got started.

I don’t know what the next five years will bring. But I’m willing and able to find out. As long as you are willing and able to find out along side me.

Thank you ALL for these five years!!!

 

Five Years Of Freedom

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”~ Nelson Mandela

Five years. Seems like a lifetime ago already. A moment marked in life that is significant to nobody else in the entire world, but me.

The 30th of September in the year 2008, was the long yet almost simple journey to my personal freedoms from a relationship with a woman whom I had no longer feelings for, and had also feared for my own life. And with good reason.

After surviving in a place with no outlet, no freedoms of my own, no voice, no opinion, and existing as nothing but someone on the arm of a woman who happened to be a few years older than I, eight months of that mental prison and it came down to this day where I left without saying a word, without giving any sort of clue that I was leaving, nothing.

I just up and left.

After being ignored to my feelings, thoughts, and wishes of what was to be “OUR HOME” between my last girlfriend and I, The relationship and all of its connecting parts had breathed its last breath. From that point on, I knew that there was nothing in the world that I could say or do within my own powers to make her change her mind or even consider changing her mind on how she lived her life and/or behaved.

Two separate ships sailing away from each other in the same ocean. One sinking, the other one sailing in circles.

I had proven to my family, myself, and to anyone else in the world that CHANGE is still possible. You just have to want it bad enough to do something about it. And then actually DO it in order to get it.

I had actually cried over the telephone when speaking with my elder brother and the sounds of my tears and frustration and sorrow really struck a nerve with him. Within one month, a plan had been put together by my family to help me escape my dark and lonely existence in a place where I was thousands of miles from anyone who honestly and truly cared about who I was and how I felt.

Even to the point after confessing my sadness to my family where my girlfriend would once come home from work after having a seriously bad day, not wanting to cook and wanting to go out to eat so that we were fed. When it was explained to her that there was no money to go out, she began to unravel from within. As she began cooking preparations with kitchen utensils that belonged to my departed mother, she came after me when I told her one last time that we were NOT going out to eat for that evening, and she had to cook if she wanted to eat. Deflating her efforts to plunge that kitchen knife into my chest cavity and ending up with her sobbing and shouting her words of hatred towards me.

One week before (on the 23rd) the plan was explained to me. And I had to be able to keep things quiet and not let anyone on to anything for seven full days.

My elder brother coming up from the south all the way up into Rhode Island to basically grab me and send me out of the trap of a household, all while the girlfriend had made her daily route to her job. I left in the early morning hours of that day, dropped the key in the mailbox, said farewell to the two cats that she owned and never looked back as my brother and I cruised down the Interstate which lead us to the airport in Providence, Rhode Island.

I had made the decision to return to Texas with the lessons learned in my brain. My sister picking me up at the Austin airport and I lived with her family for six months before I returned back to the same apartment that I had lived in before… to this day, is being said is still a miracle that I would return back to the same unit. But here I am.

Leaving the girlfriend in a confused state of mind, when she realized I had left with no real explanation left behind. Only that I was leaving and that I was finished with the relationship. The lengthy, four paged written “Dear John” letter that was scribbled on a legal pad would be mailed to her from a neutral location so she was unable to track my whereabouts.

All because she swung a knife. (And the confusing tale on my family’s behalf of whether or not her family still had ties to the New England mafia. In which they honestly did not. She just had a relative that was born by the seed of the head of the mafia many moons ago, a great aunt who had been dead for a few years by that point in time. My family still were confused though for whatever reason.)

Starting over with very little of my own possessions and only a few important documents and momentos, beginning at the ground level all over again.

Its been a hard road as I have not recovered in that aspect. But in these five years I have matured, I have learned, and I have gained MORE than what I had BEFORE I entered into that ill-fated relationship. And yet to this day I find life to be more satisfying without the things that I had, compared to having that knife actually plunged into my thorax.

Yes… there are a lot of times where I stop and think about where I may have placed something, wondering why I cannot find it. Only to finally remember that it was not brought with me in the Great Exodus. And I must somehow deal without. I think that for the most part, I honestly cannot complain about material things too much. For the other things that I have gained in my life in the past five years is, as the saying goes, more precious than silver or gold. 

Its not where I thought I would see myself in the year 2013, but it is far better than the ultimate and other option of being six feet under.

I now have friends that surround me with love and TRUE care when I visit Houston. And I also have those who will in silence, support me in whatever I do, which is a great span from California to Canada to Florida and New York and over across to France, Norway, Germany, New Zealand, and Russia. And the one thing that lights up my day about them all is that had I stayed with the girlfriend, these relationships would have never blossomed into anything at all if she was still around. I would not be friends with ANY of those of whom I speak of here. Because that’s the kind of person that she was. SHE had to be the one and only #1 person.

I have been without a romantic relationship since in my personal life. And some how, some way, I continue to breathe every day. I sleep at night and rise in the morning, and nothing becomes frozen over. And yes, it does get lonely and often times I wished I had someone to share my day and my night with. But if that is to happen for me in my life, then it will come at the proper time.

But until then, I can be eternally grateful that I have a family who was loving me enough through the stupid mistakes that I made during that relationship, so much that they still helped me when I called for help. I can be eternally grateful for those that are “new” in my life, and have been so positive and promising for me. And those are the people that will never stray from my life.

People come and people go, but they are the ones that remain. 

So here I am in 2013, a few years older. A few more grey hairs. Lots of time to think. And lots of time to learn how to truly live.

For those of you who ARE in my life (and you know who you are) I LOVE YOU. And I always will.

Five years since I started this new journey, and we’ve still yet to come to the end of the road.

 

 

 

 

 

Rubber And Glue

“All men’s misfortunes spring from their hatred of being alone.”~ Jean de la Bruyere

So you wanna talk about how much life stinks, eh? Vent a little bit about how it has been mistreating you and that it hasn’t been fair?

The world seems to hate your every move and decision and now you are being sorely punished for it and you don’t deserve it.

And it has been going on for months. Even a few years. Nothing is going right for you.

Worst of all, you’re wondering if there’s anything left to have faith in.

You are feeling a bit down in the dumps because women are hitting on you and they don’t seem to be interested in who you are, but rather what you have in your wallet and/or bank account. And it’s not fair.

You are feeling overwhelmed because men are wanting you so much and all they truly want is to get you in bed. And you are feeling like they are doing nothing but treating you like a piece of dirty meat. And it’s not fair.

And many, many other things that frustrate you and you don’t understand why you are continuing to feel so miserable.

Who can you blame? I mean, life wasn’t supposed to be like this. Or was it??

I have the answer to your blaming question:

The person in your mirror.

Ouch!! That had to hurt now didn’t it??

Don’t you remember the saying about when you point a finger at someone, you have other fingers pointing back at you? Remember that one? You probably didn’t think that it would ever apply to you.

Perhaps women wouldn’t be so into you and your bank account had you not taken a week and a half of bragging that you won the lottery or how you came into a bunch of money. And perhaps men wouldn’t be so into finding what you got going on in bed had you not screamed for over sixteen months that you were single and finally “free” from a relationship that you determined was bad for you,  and could now do whatever you wanted and you decided that it was time to live your life the way you wanted.

I’m not going to write again about how people just have their bad times and good times. Its ridiculous and boring by now to be coming from this blog. But when you refuse to take a look at yourself and find out just how you became so miserable and fail to accept that the things you have done in the past led you to it and only want to blame others, then that’s where the road ends.

Its about as juvenile of an action as quitting your job because your vehicle is out of gas. And about as sad as starving yourself to death because you’re house is empty of food.

Things break. Fix them!

I’m there for you. I will listen to you when you have bad days, and I will listen to you when you have awesome days. But when your misery multiplies because of your own actions and deeds… then there’s something called “reached a limit” with me. And that means that there’s nothing else that I can do but listen. And listening isn’t going to fix whatever issue you are having.

I literally closed the door on someone today because for the past ten days, I have been listening to them rant and vent about the  same problem that they are having in life. Ten straight days. And even though they have said that they felt better to get it off their chest, they didn’t go and fix the issue. So we’re right back where we started.

And for that person, all I can do is hope that they wake up and snap out of it and fix their issue in life. Once they do that, then they can move on in life happier. But I cannot do it for them. Only they can. And its sad to watch this crap going on through the window. But until then, I am rubber and they are glue.

If misery loves company, then I would much rather be alone.

Find the issue that is bothering you. Find out what exactly it is that is keeping you so miserable. Then fix it. Even if that means you have to fix yourself by changing yourself. Don’t play the blame game. Nobody wins at that!!

 

 

 

A Bit Of Reflection

“By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.”~ Confucius

I’m reflecting on this day. And I would have to say that today, I am doing much better personally and emotionally than I had been doing just one year ago.

By the way, my apartment manager gave me Starbucks for my birthday, so if this seems “off” you can blame him.

Its my birthday. A year ago, I was laying in a hospital bed with a deadly infection that had me out of commission for 12 days. It was something that I saw coming and noted in a previous blog, and I was right.

But this year I am not in the hospital. I am at home. And healthy.

Around the time of my birthday in 2011, I had not yet started this blog. It was created a few days later. But this is the first time that I am at home and able to write on this blog on my birthday.

I’m grateful to those who have given me birthday wishes thus far. I appreciate everyone who have thought of me thus far today. I’m sure that there will be much more as the day goes on.

As for the rest of 2013, I am full of hope. I’m feeling upbeat and not so depressed. Let’s hope I can hang on to this kind of emotion for a long, long time.

I am looking forward to more hockey, and many more times with friends and away from home.

Nothing but good times.

So I won’t find something like this in my home for my birthday, but I can dream!! Right?

I probably will not be doing anything special to celebrate and that’s just fine. I’ve not been able to do something like that in such a long time that I’ve pretty much forgotten what that is like. And I’m probably not missing anything.

But I give my love to all of you who continues to read my mindless posts, whether or not its been educational or not.

I’m glad to be alive. And I’m glad to know that I do have so many people thoughtful and caring enough to take a second out of their lives to wish me a happy birthday.

I do have many more subjects that I wish to write about in this blog in the near future, so keep your eyes open for those.

And as I suffer the caffeine crash from the Starbucks and the sugar drop from the cookie, I do feel bad for anyone within 150 meters of me for the next several hours.

But all in all, I am so happy that I am NOT in the hospital this year. And that I am free to do what I want to do on this day. Its a wonderful feeling to have this freedom.

Thank you dear readers, and stay tuned!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

WAIT FOR IT!!! WAIT FOR IT!!!!

Oh! I just cannot stand it. “I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it!”.

I’m at the point where I do not know whether to scream or puke.

These plans are a very long time coming. I’m going to be leaving out of town for a few days and I am just so pumped out about. I made these plans back in February and now it is so close that I can definitely smell something. Maybe that’s just my own body though.

At this point in time, I’m left with just under 36 hours before I leave home and beginning my travel.

The main purpose of my travel, is supposed to be a surprise. So there will be no fine detail of where I am going and what I am doing. Only that I am excited to do the things that I plan on doing, and even more thrilled, excited, and stoked to finally meet the people that I am scheduled to meet. Thus, probably the desire to puke. Hopefully, not on them though! First impressions and all. It is true what they say about them.

I really am looking forward to taking this as an opportunity to do a little self-examination and reflection as well. Even though I am considering this trip “my mini-vaca”, I cannot think of the last time I took time for myself, all by myself. Probably not since I moved back from New England, which was in 2008. Even before that, my only travel was probably in 2007.

I just believe that there’s a lot of crap that I have in life. Stuff that I should fully get rid. Being away from home, will help me do that. I think it is the perfect chance!

I fully intend on having as much fun as possible. I have no expectations of this trip. Not of where I will end up, and not of those whom I will be around. The perfect example to avoid any disappointments. If one does not create expectations, then there is less chance of any disappointment. I truly believe in that.

So as I am gone, I will let come what will. And when I return, I should’ve had experienced a wonderful time. And I am sure to write a post about it in some way.

My only problem is the excitement is just bursting out of me!! I wished I was leaving NOW! I’m sure that many of you reading this can understand my feeling.