Cancellation Prone

“The moving finger writes, and having written moves on. Nor all thy piety nor all thy wit, can cancel half a line of it.”~ Omar Khayyam

For most of my adolescence and young adulthood, I had always considered and thought that a cancellation was based on something more than it actually was.

Throughout my high school years, I was THE KING of no-shows, no calls, being stood up, and downright cancelled at the last possible and final minute.

Not that I was the one doing the cancelling but rather I was being cancelled upon!

I recall asking a girl in high school if she wanted to go out for some ice cream after a vocal performance in which the entire town was going to be attending. Yes, I asked her out on a date. And I even explained that she and I would both be performing in our perspective choirs and therefore afterwards, all she had to do was drive the both of us to get ice cream and then after we were finished, drop me off at home.

My parents were not that willing to believe that it was going to happen. My father stayed behind, until he and I were the only bodies left in the auditorium nearly an hour and a half after the ending of the performance.

I didn’t even cry or get upset about it. It was like I was actually expecting it to happen and then it did. The worst part of it was that I had a class with that girl the next morning and she would be forced to deal with it. The only optimism that I received was my father telling me that I didn’t have to spend any money and I still had that money in my pocket for something that I might really and truly want later on…. OTHER THAN taking a girl on a date.

That next day in class, I did receive the explanation that she was told to come straight home from her parents after the performance and she didn’t want to get into further trouble at home. But I received nothing in notice of this and I could have saved myself the humiliation of standing there all alone with my father and gone straight home or done something different.

I didn’t say anything to her. I didn’t point the finger. I just nodded and never brought it up again. Until now.

Throughout the rest of my adult life, I began to wonder if the problem was who I was. Particularly when it came to the areas of dating and relationships.

I knew that I would be rejected by many. But I was confident that eventually a NO would turn into a YES. And at times, I would receive that YES. But again, only to be cancelled on or stood up and without any good reason as to why they never showed up.

I just couldn’t understand the why. And I began to blame myself for it. Was I coming on too strong after the woman agreed to the date? Was I in some way, being a total and complete douchebag because I finally found someone who would say YES??

Fast forward to these past months of 2013.

I’ve been up and knocked down so many times that its not worth counting the times I’ve dusted off and got back on the horse. I’m just glad that the horse never runs away when I get knocked off of it!

These past few months I have been going through it all over again, in one capacity or another. And yes, being rejected really sucks. Its not fun. And it hurts…. really hurts.

But I am done with the self-blaming.

Most recently I have made effort after effort after effort to expand my social life, only to find myself with the ending results that I experienced in my youth. And these were not even circumstances in which dealt with dating or relationships.  So I’m also done with the butthurt.

She simply never told me why she stood me up until she was forced to deal with the confrontation the following day.

To be fair, there are times in which a cancellation must happen because of circumstances that come that are beyond our control. And we must deal with that. I get that. I’ve always known that. But I’ve always excused people’s behavior to be just that.

One must really take into consideration what people are doing to you, when they are continually cancelling on you for a myriad of reasons and/or excuses.

I believe in giving people a second chance in these situations because simply shit happens. But if the shit is constantly draining, then you should really think about the kind of person you are dealing with and realize just how long you are willing to put with that stream of shit that they keep pouring out. How deep are you willing to let it get??

And if you are easily manipulated and controlled, just like I was in high school, then you too will eventually be up the creek with no paddle.

As for me, I can probably give people a chance or two but no more. After that, I must think about the kind of person that I am messing with and see for myself whether or not they are just full of excuses or just cancellation prone.

For myself, having gone through it practically my entire life…. I’ve adopted the “one and done” method. Its basically goes with the expression of fool me once, shame on me.

There are better people out there in this great big world who are worth far more than the people we are attempting to connect with. People who are willing to give to you what you need and open to receive what you are willing to give to them in return.

Those who do not fit inside that category? Think to yourself: Do you REALLY need them??? The answer is probably going to come out as NO. So rid yourself of the anguish. Don’t cement yourself in a place where you are going to be stood up and cancelled on all of the time. Don’t be like I was in high school!!! Its definitely not a picnic.

So here I sit, thinking about those who have put me through this process in most recent times. Ready to shove them into the rear view mirror. Opening myself to different and new opportunities with other people.

One and done, everyone. Are you ready??????

 

Brick Walls

“If at first you don’t succeed….” 

Yeah, I know… “try, try again”. Shut up!!

There comes a time when a person will fall to humiliation and defeat. And its all up to that person of whether or not they get back up and dust themselves off.

Then there comes a time when you shrug off so much dirt and dust that you learn that you are strong enough to do it again.

And then there comes a time where you fall and it just gets plain stupid and often, funny once you’re able to look back at it and laugh.

I think that throughout my life I’ve hit the brick wall so many times and in so many different ways that it is almost comical.

But I have to say, that things are different now than what they used to be ten or more years ago. My own shyness was killing my social life. I wouldn’t go up to anyone and talk to them.

As of most recently though, running into that brick wall has been one giant bruise after another. I’m like a disaster waiting to happen.

I was just out and about and I went up to a woman and started to talk to her. It started out innocent enough and then the conversation kept expanding to other topics. Eventually, I thought that this woman might be someone that I could be interested to talking to again. And then it went south and that wall was waiting for me when I reached the bottom.

About the time that I actually had moved closer to her, she moved back a little. At the time I was talking about sledge hockey and I guess it was difficult for her to envision me playing a sport. So then I asked if maybe she would be interested in watching me play and that’s when I moved closer.

Yeah, I probably did invade her personal comfort zone. But women don’t have a visible force field or a sign that says “DO NOT CROSS THIS LINE!”.

Within five minutes of that, a man came up from behind her and picked her up and swung her around like a helicopter blade.

Hmmm.

I had already said and done what I did, and wouldn’t you know it she’s got one HELL of a jealous boyfriend. He wanted to kick my ass apparently. I said “nice to meet ya” and got out of there.

There’s been other times where I have actually had the testicular fortitude to say to someone “let’s meet here at this place and time”. And sure enough they would show up. I had met one woman in this manner. After only talking two days online I said she should meet me at this local beer joint. She and I for those previous two days would learn a little bit about one another and I would always hear about how she had this male roommate in the apartment that she lived in. And she had been considering moving out to be on her own.

But when I was face to face with her (and she had a few beers in her) the term “roommate” changed to “boyfriend”.

And there I was in a small bar with her, having drinks. Ugh, the humiliation!

What is worse than falling down in these types of scenarios are the times where you realize that you’ve made a mistake, and you just cannot seem to find a way to retreat out of it.

This seems to happen to me most when I am in Houston. Because its happened more than once.

Okay, okay…. more than twice.

I was talking with a woman and she smiled and I liked it, so I started to flirt. But nothing happened. So I turned up the juice. Flirting and complimenting was getting nowhere.

Then I had abandoned that for straight up hitting on her.

There was nothing still. I had said and done all that I could think of. And then days after I had been home, I was informed that the woman I was speaking to was married. WHERE’S MY ABORT BUTTON?!?!?

I should probably count my lucky stars though. I’m still alive!

I can see how it could put a damper on ever trying that again. Ever! But then I have to remind myself that life is short. And eventually there will come a time where the brick wall of humiliation, despair, and self-cringing will not be there.

Being single can get lonely and it can get very difficult. Being physically disabled adds a whole new level of difficulty when you are single. But not TRYING can be just as devastating. Each and every time this has happened to me, I refer to them as “war wounds”.

I think that what can be given to me as credit is the fact that I am able to look back after awhile and just laugh. Granted that I may or may not make the exact same mistakes, but I can laugh.

 

 

We’ve Got A Dambreaker Down

“A rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of success.”~ Bo Bennett

 

To my surprise, this evening I would make a return to the local Applebee’s for dinner. The same one where the two “cougars” of neighbors were flirting with the waitress when I went there last Friday.

 

I went with three different people, and I had told them about how really cute the young woman was.

 

The collective group was indecisive and I stepped away. When I came back, they said that’s where we were going. I then said that if she was working again, that I would point her out to them so that they could see for themselves how cute she really is.

 

I found it really peculiar that when I was ahead of the pack and went into the restaurant that we were seated at the same table that I sat at last Friday, and a chair was already removed from the same spot at the table. Weird.

 

Well, we did not have the same waitress. We had a guy waiting on us that was just as good as far as service goes. I asked him if she was working though. He said that she was there, but not on the clock. Then a few seconds later, I saw her and I tried very unconspicuously to point her out to the rest of the group that was with me tonight.

 

I was RIGHT (for once) about her being really cute. Neener neener neener!!!

 

But she never looked our direction, or walked by or anything. Up until about 6:00 when she did walk by and stopped at our table to say hello. I introduced the “gang” to this waitress and they exchanged greetings.

 

I was moving into “cute and quirky” mode and I said to her.. “Sorry, I don’t have a camera with me tonight.” Because I took her picture last Friday.

 

Her response was more of relief by saying, “Good because I don’t like pictures. I don’t do well with it.”

 

Cute & quirky: FAIL.

 

She kept herself at a distance, didn’t make any contact with me or anyone else at the table and kept shifting her weight from one leg to the other, swinging her arms. She was a bowl of JELL-O.

 

She asked if we needed anything and if we were satisfied with our food and what not, and we gave her the thumbs up. Then she said that she had been there working the lunch hours and was off for a few hours but back on the clock again at 6:00. I looked at my watch and it was exactly that. So she asked again if she could get us anything and we politely declined. From that point she walked away. She would never even walk anywhere near our table the rest of the evening.

 

So at the end of our night there Ipulled some cash from my wallet and slipped it into my hand again like I had done on Friday. Then when I saw her, I went into her direction. She would cross directly in front of me and excuse herself, and I called out, “Hey, come here?”.

 

She never moved. Only turned around. I stuck out my hand to “shake her hand” and I was telling her how good it was to see her again and that I had not thought that I would be back so soon. She probably saw the money in between my fingers this time and she just suggested that I give the money to our actual server.

 

I told her that I had already done so on the credit card slip. And that it was for her.

 

She looked right at me, didn’t raise her voice or throw a fit… simply said, “No!”.

 

Ummm…

 

I told her that it was for her. Again, she said “No!”.

 

I asked if she was going to take it or not and once more, the same as the first two times came out: “No!”. She didn’t even blink.

 

I know what waitresses in the state receive per hour, and it was only $5.00 that I was given her. Not the keys to a new car which resembles her actual first name.

 

When I gave up the offer and retreated, she turned back around and walked away without as much as saying, “Have a good night.”

 

So I guess this means that she probably has a boyfriend, or was thinking that I was trying to do something more than what I was intending on.

 

Also, I guess this is going to mean that I am going to have to go back and the class for being cute and quirky over again.

 

I was shot down, but I was not kept down. HER LOSS.

 

Back to the drawing boards!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Truth

“If the truth hurts, imagine how a lie would feel…”~ Amy Diggs

I had a female colleague come up to me recently and she asked me a question that was both surprising and difficult. She had asked me if I could see myself in a relationship with her.

I totally did not expect this kind of question to come up in conversation, even though I had previously seen warning signs and her line of questions that led up to it were very much so in the category of hinting at it. Yet, it still surprised me.

My first reaction was to try and avoid the subject, mainly because I was so much in shock at the time that I had heard it. But as relentless as she was, I knew that eventually I would have to face up to her question and give her an answer.

I told her “No.” She did inquire as to why I had said that, and I began to give my reasons that her request was a bit incomplete. Yet she was apparently unable to listen to my reasons for very long, so my bottom line for answering as I did was because I did not know her well enough to just start a relationship out of nowhere. Naturally, it appeared that I had destroyed her heart. At first, she held back but she could not keep her tears in for very long.

Those who truly know me understand that I cannot stand seeing a woman in tears, or ANYONE for that matter! Knowing that I had ruined her idea, and perhaps her hopes and dreams didn’t go down easily. Not for her, and not for me.

But I told her the truth. There was no sense in lying to her just to make sure that she was smiling and happy. And since I had started out with a “no”, it would not make sense to quickly go back and change answers, just so that she would not cry.

And before you go running to write an e-mail to me, making cracks about me being a “heartbreaker” or worse, start with the hate mail… let me just say that I’ve been there where she was. I have most definitely felt the harsh sting of rejection and have been spurned before. And more than just a couple of times. Yet, I would never expect those who had rejected me to LIE to me, just so that I would be happy.

It was my decision to tell this woman the truth. And tell it from the very beginning. But to my credit, I did tell her that I enjoyed her company and she has been a very funny and awesome colleague. That’s cliché, I know.

There was no way that I would have even answered with “I don’t know”, or “maybe” because in those cases it could have allowed her to fill her own head with fantasies about the possibility, when I knew for a fact there was no possibility.

I do not know who Amy Diggs is. I do not know where she came up with such an intense and powerful quote. But I agree with it wholly 100%. It would have hurt this woman far worse if I would have lied to her.

I’ve never been a fan of the “Check YES or NO” scenario when it comes to relating to the opposite sex. I haven’t been in grade school in quite a long time. But I know that for her as an adult, one of the two things will happen:

• Her feelings will be hurt for a short time. She will harbor some resentment for the rejection she received and began to have feelings of hatred. And in the end, I’ll never hear from her ever again.
• After a short time of hurt feelings, she will heal from the inside and at some point be able to move on from this rejection. And we’ll be as we were yesterday.

Telling the truth often is like that ouchie you get from falling off your bike. It stings like crazy at first, then it hurts. But after a while it begins to heal and soon the scar goes away. Does anyone honestly disagree with that??

Yes, I honestly agree that “the truth will set you free”. And I also agree that “the truth often hurts”. As for my personal feelings, I would much rather hurt from the beginning rather than be led on to something that isn’t true. I don’t believe that people like being lied to by any means, but I would not want to be lied to just because it is an effort to save my feelings at the time, because lies always come out in the end. And by then, the situation is far worse to deal with mentally for me after being lied to.

Always tell the truth, right from the start. Even if you know it is going to hurt. If you care about them and they actually care about you, then they’ll see the significance of your truth. And then they will appreciate you all that much more for being honest with them to begin with.

If I had started to hate those women who had spurned me, I sure would be far worse off and a lot more lonely of a person. It hurt, I cried. But I healed, and I moved on, and I’m still alive today.

Yet for this particular woman’s situation, it is still “fresh” in a sense. It just happened. I feel awful to a point about it right now. But I also feel that I had done the right thing.

 

 

 

Critical Kick In The Nuts

I probably should not be paying this much attention to the situation, and rather thanking the person for not taking their criticisms on a public forum. But I think it can be an interesting subject on how we handle criticism.

I was recently told by someone that they hated.. rather they LOATHED a few things that I had selected for posting. They were just not that into it at all. They were however, rather gracious enough to explain what they did not like about to me, but privately.

Needless to say that I was shocked. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. It was like they were taking their words and just kicking me straight in the junk with it and had no worries about consequences.

I read over it several times, trying to see their side of things. Some of it made sense, I could see how they just wouldn’t care for it at all.

I think though it was not their criticism that got to me, it was HOW they were criticizing. Their words were just about as insulting as can be. I kept trying to tell myself that I needed to be grateful for their negative feedback and move on. After all, one is not going to be able to please the entire world. “To each, their own.” Clearly, that which I had posted was not their cup of tea.

Naturally they were quite vocal on their opinion on how I could have made each posting that much better. With each paragraph that I read of their so-called “corrections”, I started to hate the term “constructive criticisms”, believing that it is just a way to soften the blow to someone who disagrees with another person.

All in all, they felt that it was “okay” to go ahead and give names of people, places, and things. That I did not have to be so vague. They believed that if I am speaking of a certain individual, I should just the flood gates open and give all detail involved with what I am posting about, so that my point of it all becomes more clear.

That simply just isn’t me. It is not who I am. I write whatever comes to me in that particular moment in time and just go with it. I do not want others to feel that sense of being “threatened” because their name and situation has been posted on the Internet. After all, is it really the business of the world to know that I think that Sally is the worst driver in the world and I cannot stand having to ask her for transportation whenever I am needing to go somewhere? No!!!

Is it really the business of the world that I went to Tokyo two summers ago and got wild and crazy with a girl named “Asuki”? What, are you kidding me?!?

And honestly, is it really the business of the world that I am going to go to New England for a wedding to witness a friend get married to a girl named Michelle twenty-two years his junior? Absolutely not.

I do not post these things–not because I fear the backlash from these individuals, but rather I choose to hold their privacy in respect. Trust me, if I ever had feared personal backlash for mentioning someone or their situation, it has not and will not appear here, ever.

So then, how in the world do we deal with criticisms, in general??

I do not believe personally, that there is right and wrong way. I do believe that with every piece of criticism, whether positive or negative, there’s something to be learned about your audience, and about yourself.

This blog obviously has taken a wild turn since I started it several months ago. The subject matter of each and every post doesn’t fit any pattern at all. So I have to stop and think, “What is it that I want to do with this blog?”. I will give my hypothetical answer to this question in another post.

Yet with the changes that it has gone through, I would have to say that I am still fine with it all and very much pleased with how it has been coming along. I’ve had many people comment on several different posts in several different ways. A majority of them in a positive light. But others, not so positive.

For myself, which is the only person for whom I can speak… whenever there is negative criticism, I stand back and try to figure out just what it was, that the person didn’t like about whatever it was that I had done. If it comes to be that they have shown me a different light where something should be changed, that it would benefit me then its all for the good and good should be taken out of the negative. If it just comes to be that the person who sent the negative criticism was just being mean, I must be able to identify that and dust them off and move on. That particular audience is not the kind of people in which I need to target.

But I will say this: I have a great number of people who are very, very supportive of me and what I do. They might not agree 100% of the time with what I say or do, but they stick by me no matter what. The difference is, is that they just don’t come up to me and say, “Ohh man, that sucked!”, then walk away OR try to change who I am.

I do not receive a lot of “negative criticism” too much. So when it comes, I’m never really all that prepared for it. And that is kind of what happened.

Therefore, I’ve taken into consideration their words and will be dusting them off because all it was (in my opinion)… was them trying to change who I am and how I write. It is too bad that they didn’t like it. I guess all I can say is that I am sorry that they didn’t like it. But is it necessary? Probably not. With how they worded things, I seriously doubt that they will be back again.

For those of you who have made it this far… I thank you and appreciate you. Every comment left, whether private or public, means a great deal to me. Your feedback is always genuinely considered. I think that it helps mold this blog to be better, as well as knowing myself better.

To those who do not like this blog: I wish you the best of luck in finding something that suits your needs more somewhere in the future.