Passing The Buck On Superstitions

“Don’t blame the marketing department. The buck stops with the chief executive.”~ John D. Rockefeller

So hockey wasn’t as great and wonderful as it has been in times past. Which excuse would you love to hear?

The fact that I went out to eat for lunch on the other side of town when I knew that once I got home I would have to hurry to get ready and therefore didn’t have time to go through my usual music rituals to get mentally prepared and fired up?

Or the fact that I actually put my bandana in the laundry earlier in the week and washed it instead of keeping it unwashed throughout the season?

Perhaps the fact that I was rushed and didn’t get much time to warm up before getting to work and being the last person on the ice when I have been one of the leaders of getting on the ice first and encouraging others to be ready and prepared once ice is clear of the Zamboni?

Or the fact that a few shots that I made were not called as “goals” when they should have been?

All of which with the exception of the last one, would be a part of rituals of hockey superstitions. If you’ve seen the advertisements on television of different sports superstitions, you know that one says that its not considered a “superstition” until the moment that it doesn’t work.

Sure, excuse after excuse after excuse I could make. But that is only passing the buck and I am not taking much responsibility for my own actions. And that is the true factor of the poorer performance this evening. And for the last one, I cannot control those in charge.

I didn’t play up to my own expectations or abilities and that’s where it went downhill. Nothing else!!

As a team leader, I do have my responsibilities. And my performance factor is actually expected to be at a certain level. The truth of the matter is that I did not play up to that level at all. And thus, it was a bad performance.

But its not the end of the world.

I think that all of us have something that we do or say that could be considered superstition… at least by definition. We can mask it and call it a ritual or habit or whatever we want. But I think that for those outside of our personal boxes would be able to see the forest through the trees and understand that what we do or say in this situations, are our own personal superstitions. And we believe that it works for us. So then what happens? Rinse and repeat– as much as possible.

But when we fail to take responsibility for our words and actions, we commonly find an excuse to blame. I mean after all, it wasn’t OUR fault… right??

WRONG! It was a fault because we did not meet up to our abilities and therefore we put another notch in the proverbial belt of FAIL.

I think that a lot of people would agree with me that our own performances in life would get better if we just own up to our mistakes and not worry about the blame of others. I think it causes personal growth and we are able to learn our lessons of what NOT to do again in the future to the best of our own personal abilities and control. Then we wouldn’t HAVE to pass the buck.

In a not-so-perfect world where all you see is the blame being placed on others, its difficult to just take up our own problems and mistakes and say that it was our fault. But I also am a firm believer that with a lot of practice with it, we can drop the idea of passing the buck and grow in our lives if only we take up responsibility.

After all, everyone of us will have to live with the aftermath of our decisions and choices.

Keep Your Asterisk Out Of My Conversation

“Have you ever heard the expression: Walk a mile in my shoes, and then judge me? And write your own books.”~ Ann Rule

How times change so quickly. One can tell by the way language changes in each society and culture.

I know I’ve spoken about the deadly conjunction in almost every sentence which that simple conjunction just unravels what has been previously said.

There’s something that I am finding far worse than the overuse of the conjunctive word.

It is that secretive asterisk that we place in our every day speech. For those who do not know what I am talking about, its those key words and phrases that we add into our conversations that has no true purpose or meaning to be spoken, other than to cover our own butts.

One that I have received all of my life, and that is probably because of pure and innocent curiosity is the the prefacing of the question of “I don’t mean to be rude, but why are you in a wheelchair?” and other similar questions.

It really could be an innocent inquiry. It still does get to me once in a while.

One that I have always received ever since I can remember is the prefaced question of “Can I ask you a question?”… how this has become so silly to me anymore.

I don’t know– can you? Are you able to use your voice??

Its frustrating sometimes.

Now there’s these other phrases coming around a lot recently and its even more of an acceleration to getting a headache than ever before.

The asterisk phrase. 

Phrases like “I’m just saying” are in my opinion just redundant. Depending on how it is being used, its quite similar to the other phrases that are either prefaced to statements or questions or placed at the end as an immediate dismissal of responsibility.

DON’T JUDGE ME.

Ohhh geez… I think I am going to be sick!!

As soon as you say something like that, you are immediately asking for what you just requested others NOT to do. How can people not see that?  

Sometimes it is used in such ways that the person who just said it has actually cast their OWN judgement on the situation that is relative to the conversation. And that’s supposed to keep them free of responsibility from their judgement. It is exactly to say that its okay for YOU to judge me, but it is not okay for ME to judge you!!

Opinions are free. Yet they still have consequences and responsibility if they are openly expressed. Not everyone in the world is going to agree with you. You can believe or think what you want. There’s nothing against the law that says that you cannot.

The moment though that you express it, you will be running the risk of having to deal with someone who disagrees with you. And then depending on how you handle disagreements with others will take a key role on how the remainder of the conversation will continue and how it will ultimately end.

You still are responsible for your words and actions. Saying “DON’T JUDGE ME” is NOT a free pass to have diarrhea of the throat with a mouthful of opinions.

Gain the fortitude to be a mature and responsible adult. Understand that there will come the time where you might say something that others will disagree with. Prefacing your statements and comments with the asterisk phrases don’t actually work! The faster you learn that, the better off you will be.

 

Owning Up

“You are not only responsible for what you say, but also for what you do not say.”~ Martin Luther

Not so long ago I did what some people thought was impossible. Hanging out with the guys. It was a group of about seven, all coming from different walks of life. Some married and some single.

It was a fairly good time hanging out together and not carrying about the outside world. Until I heard one guy’s story of how it was so difficult for him to deal with certain situations when it comes to the bonding between a male and a female.

He said something that at one time, I thought I was the only one who thought it and was about to take the credit for coining the phrase.

He was discussing his friendship with a female. They have been friends for the past few years. He is single, she on the other hand has been recently married and has one child. He was there for her wedding. He threw her an engagement party. He saw everything through the entire way and stood by her side, celebrating her triumphs and being the rock that she needed to fall upon when she crashed and burned. And even through the point where she was married, he remained the same guy that she always knew him to be.

But it wasn’t the fact that she had recently become someone else’s wife that was bothering him. It was not jealousy that was driving him crazy. It was the fact that whenever they would communicate, it felt like to him that she was always introducing the fact that she had boundaries.

He would go on to say, that ‘friend’ was the new F-bomb.

Some of us guys would sit there, looking confused. But I knew exactly what he was talking about.

He would explain that whenever he would talk this female that she would always say “friend” to him. And he felt that it was not used in the sense of endearment.

And because this group of guys knew that I have this reputation of being some kind of listener with valuable insight, I ended up sitting next to him, talking about this the rest of the night. I knew where he was coming from. I’ve gone through the same kind of bumpy roads. The exact roads, to be honest.

His point that I will share in this blog post is that he had been friends with this woman for a very long time. It was quite established that they trusted one another to become friends and do what friends do. But he felt like every time she would do this to him, that it was setting everything back.

Let me use this analogy:

Relationships (male to female & vice versa) can be measured on a scale from 0 to 10. The higher the number, the more meaningful and deep the relationship and the stronger the bond. Of course 10 being that this person is a permanent fixture in your life, whether that person has become your spouse or whatever. But they are there every day for the rest of your life.

The more that time had passed for him, the deeper the relationship that he had with this woman. And it was totally based on them being friends. There was nothing that suggested that it would turn into a romantic relationship or that they would be dating one another, and so on. So this guy’s relationship with this woman would probably only be measured up to go as high as a 7 or 8. And it would not go any higher. It was something he understood and actually is quite content with that.

Yet whenever she would say “friend”, to him it felt like she was pushing him and their relationship down to maybe somewhere between 2 and 4.

He was actually intelligent enough to mention that she should have her boundaries, given her current situation in life. But when it feels like to him that she drags him down and pushes him back to a lower number, his mental state of mind gets bruised and hurt.

What in the world is he to do? He sees her every day. They talk every day. And for the longest time he says that this has been happening even BEFORE she was married to someone else. A new relationship for her, that he completely treated with respect.

There is a great amount of responsibility while being in any relationship. 

Both people should own up to their responsibility, in order to make sure that the relationship is healthy.

Upon entering a new relationship, there’s going to be those times where people slip up and make mistakes . But that is all a part of learning about one another. Because not everyone is the same, not everyone is going to have the same boundaries.

I have my own boundaries and I can tell you that there are a lot of differences between my boundaries and the boundaries of my male counterpart.

I believe that what he truly wanted to say, and I will say it for him here is that there’s nothing wrong with having boundaries. Once you learn what a person is willing to deal with and what they are not willing to deal with, you adapt to it. You learn from that. But then also you carry on. There is no good reason for a person to continually remind the other about them.

From what I heard this guy tell me, this female picks on him and pounds down upon him in a verbal sense that all they will ever be, is friends. And he feels that has already been established so very long ago, and so there’s no real good reason for her to constantly be bringing it up.

You have a responsibility with your relationships. If someone crosses a line, then yeah- its healthy to remind them that they slipped up. It is not healthy for you to come down on them with wrath because of their transgressions and then push it into their faces all the time like a dog who has taken a huge dump throughout the house, instead of doing its business outside.

If there really is a need to do that, then perhaps you should be re-evaluating things.

The way to stop making mistakes, is to learn from them. We have to allow people to do that.

I went ahead in the spirit of all fairness and non-judgement if by chance he may have crossed a line with her. But he said that he had not done so in a very long time. He recognized over the past couple of years where he had crossed a line and he did pay the price for it. And since he didn’t like that outcome, he stopped doing whatever he was doing that was making him cross that boundary. It pained him to think that he had done it before, and it pains him to think of the possibility of doing it again, and that is the driving force that prevents him FROM doing it again.

Humanity is not perfect. Neither are relationships. Are you actually going to remind people of that every time someone does something to you that was wrong or that you didn’t like? Even after the person has shown regret for it, are you still going to bring it up time after time after time? If yes, then honestly what kind of a relationship do you REALLY have with that person??

Having boundaries in life is VERY healthy. But it is unhealthy to hold people’s mistakes against them. Especially if they do not know you very well.

You cannot say that you have a coin, if there is not both “heads” and “tails”.

I believe that having open communication is very much the key. And that means BOTH sides should be able to talk about whatever they want. Should someone cross a boundary or make the other person uncomfortable, then the person who is feeling that way should be able to hit the “ENOUGH” button… explain how or why this is an issue. And if the guilty party owns up to their mistake and apologizes, it needs to be forgiven then forgotten- forever.

Being timid and hoping that something goes away, never works out. If I am doing something that is pissing you off, and I get no response or sense that it is doing just that, and I am not told about it? Chances are that I am going to do it again. Speak up and save the relationship as well as save yourself from further anguish!!

This poor guy that I talked to the rest of the night, he just really enjoys the company and the bonding that he has with this woman. And that’s just a small part of what being in this particular relationship is all about. But he feels so miserable because he’s being constantly reminded of the DO’s and DO NOT’s.

I do not personally know the woman that he talked about. So I cannot say much about her. But what I do see is a person being treated unfairly. Especially since he broke down and said that he hadn’t done anything to offend or make her uncomfortable. I do not see why this woman feels she must constantly reflect the word “friend” on him. After all, they already have been that way for years! I do not think that she should be saying this to him all of the time.

The best thing for him to do is to make HER aware that he is not comfortable with this behavior. And should the truth be that he IS doing something that makes her uncomfortable, she needs to plainly tell him instead of always being quick to run up the walls on him and push him away. It does not sound like to me that she knows what she is doing to him when she does this all of the time. But if he too, is unaware of what he might be doing to her that causes this, then she needs to speak up as well. People are not mind-readers.

Own up to the fact that you do have the right to tell someone that you are not comfortable with what they have said or done. But remember, you have to take responsibility for your own words. Understand that your words are just as powerful and influential as those words (or actions) towards you that cause you to cringe.

It always takes two to do The Tango.

Be aware that even though you might be hurt, that you could potentially hurt the other person by what you say or do. And doing so on purpose, is just cruel and mean. And personally speaking… if that is the case then you don’t deserve to be a part of that relationship.

Sure, you have the right to walk away. But remember, so do they. And if you are behaving in a similar manner as this woman has been, then by all means that other person has every right to walk away and they would be justified to be doing it and there would be no “social jury” willing to convict them of wrong-doing for it.

 

 

 

Conversation Serial Killers

“It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities.”~
Josiah Stamp

A conversation is taking place. A jovial and social interaction between two people. But by the time the end of the conversation comes, you’ve realized that the topic of conversation has drastically changed.

What was once a pleasant exchange about how you enjoyed your time at last weekend’s family picnic has ended with you discussing how when you were seventeen, you stole your neighbor’s car for a joyride and now you are feeling remorse.

How in the world does that happen?

The subject matter never came to an ultimate conclusion. I mean that it never got to the point where you have said all that you had wanted to say about it and now its still incomplete. Some way, some how, someone did not want to hear about the food fight over Aunt Gertude’s prize-winning Spicy Potato Salad.

Sometimes when we engage with others in correspondence, we have multiple things that we would like to tell them. But when it comes down to the fact that you are going your separate ways, you realize that only a fraction of the topics that you were wanting to share with them were brought up.

You have been side-stepped. Once something comes up and the topic begins to change, it is do-si-do and away you go! The other person side-steps the subject and moves on to something else even before you are finished talking about it. Almost as if they are line dancing around what you feel is important to discuss.

Now I understand that there are times when a person will bring up something that might be uncomfortable for you to discuss, whether it be answering a personal question or discussing something that you feel might hurt the other person’s feelings. But do you honestly believe that dodging the subject or question is going to make things better?

What does that make you look like? And how do you think that makes the person who was talking to, feel??

There are many ways in which people dodge conversations. I went to find out just why people do this. There was very few legitiment possible answers to the question.

Comfort. Apparently the other person is not feeling comfortable with the topic and does not wish to continue any longer in that particular sore subject.

Defensiveness. This comes in particularly if a person is asking a question that is either difficult or personal, or both. The other person dodges the subject and tries to move on because they believe that by responding back, they are going to hurt that person with whatever they respond with.

Ego. The person with a massive ego always takes delight in changing the subject. Mainly, because they want their time in the spotlight and they want to talk about themselves rather than anything or anyone else. For as long as they can, by as much as they can, they will do whatever it takes to talk about them.

Of course there may be others that I am missing. But these seem to be the repeated ones over and over again as to why this nonsense is happening. Yes, nonsense!

Ego- I believe this explains itself.

Defensiveness- When I was in high school, I had a serious crush on a girl who did not reciprocate any crush back. In fact, she was more repulsed by the idea. And because of those wild and running feelings of that crush, I was blind to that ever being the possible reason why she did not return those feelings. Yet my father knew of the situation, he knew that she would turn me down. But he said nothing. Even when I went to him with tears in my eyes, asking the question of “Why won’t she talk to me?!?”, he kept silent throughout because he knew that the only truthful answer that he could give, was going to hurt my feelings.

Would it have been best for him to say something? Possibly. Although there was that chance that yes, my feelings would have been hurt. But then I may or may not have been responsive to it, so I think in this case my father allowed me to learn my lesson on my own.

Comfort- Let’s face it. Sometimes in life, we are ignorant. And I think that is why we talk about certain things, and ask specific questions… because we do not know and we are willing to take that risk and ask a question in order to lessen our ignorance and lean more towards knowledge. There are those times when we think we know a person, but then there are those times in which we touch a nerve by mistake. And the next thing we know that person is feeling uncomfortable (but not to our knowledge) and therefore that’s when the attempt of a new topic of conversation comes into play.

However this is my bottom line opinion on this entire scenario: We should not ignore people and try to manipulate what is being discussed.

If it is a situation of not being comfortable, I think that the other person should take up the responsibility to just simply and calmly say, “Hey, I do not wish to talk about it”. There should be no resentment at all for having to say that.

“If you don’t mean it, don’t say it.” — Does anyone remember hearing this growing up??

If the conversation is making you uncomfortable, you have the option as well as the right to change it, but allow the other person to know what page you are on instead of line dancing around it.

As far as defensive, there are times that I think people need to hear certain things. Particularly if it is clear and obvious that they are going down a dangerous road in their life. They really do need to be told of the warning signs that you are seeing, and apparently they are not. If you honestly care about a person, wouldn’t you feel that obligation to let them know how you feel?

As we all know, we can’t stop people from doing stupid stuff. But if we warn them about it, then it does return the responsibility back on to the other person who brought it up in the first place. Dodging the conversation because you don’t like it, is pretty lame.

Everyone has their own equal rights to say how they feel, think, or believe. Yet at the same time, if you actually engage in correspondence with that person, you are taking up the responsibility for that conversation, particularly your side of it. You’ve made the choice to talk to them, rather than not.

With equal rights comes equal responsibility. Use that responsibility, and use it wisely. Allow the other person to know that whatever it is that they are saying or asking about, is something that you don’t care to discuss. When you have done that, you have taken the mature step to ending a conversation that could ultimately become uncomfortable. And if they are not willing to accept it, then you are NOT responsible for their own actions.

I think that it is totally ridiculous that conversations bounce all over the place. Unless these certain things don’t take up a lot of breath and time and you are able to say what you wanted to in the first place and then swiftly move on to the next thing that you wanted to talk about.

Don’t be a conversation killer. In the end, it kills more than just current conversation.

Rant Responsibly

“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”~ Phyllis Diller

So one of my best friends just called me and good grief she was pissed!! (Word to the wise: NEVER piss off a redhead.)

She informed me as to why she was so angry and then told me about how she felt about the situation. I sat there practically silent and waited for her to either just hang up or announce that she was done ranting and venting.

By the time she hung up the phone, she thanked me for allowing her to do that. She’s fine now and said she felt better.

And if anyone knows me, they know that I am the kind of person that is going to allow her and just about anyone else to get things off of their chest, particularly if they are close to me as the person is in this case. So I had no problem with it, yet I was smiling at the end when she thanked me. Perhaps a rare occurence when people rant and vent to me about whatever.

It got me to thinking about something. There’s a lot of ranting and venting that goes on in this day and age. And a lot of it is really not handled in the best of ways. I think that a lot of the times people just bitch and moan and scream all that they want, and that they think its okay because all they are doing is venting. There’s a difference between flying off at the mouth and getting things off your chest.

There is or at least there should be an unspoken ideal that ranting should be done responsibly. Both for the person who is talking, and for the person who is supposed to be listening.

There is nothing wrong with a rant. There is nothing wrong with getting things off your chest. However, if the person who is doing the ranting just goes on and on and on and on without any regard for the person who is listening, then what are they doing, really?? Basically nine times out of ten, they are just talking and screaming only to hear themselves speak. And that’s where the wrongful doing comes into effect.

If something is bothering you, and you know you have someone that will listen to you and you trust them… it is okay to go to them. It is okay to get things out in the clear and search for some kind of peace in a moment of turmoil. But it turns into something bad and NOT okay when you just do it … only to do it and whenever you want to do it. That is what is called “taking advantage of someone”.

Even though in that exact moment where you are letting loose, have some compassion towards others. If you abuse your friends, you will surely lose them in the end. They will scatter like the breeze because they have reached their limitations to what they can handle from all of your screaming.

There is a line. Make sure that you know where it is.

And it also goes for those who are listening. We do listen because we care. We do listen because we want to be able to be there for those whom we care about. So when it is our turn to listen, we need to do so with great intent on hearing everything that is being said, without blowing it off. Believing that whatever it is that they are saying to us is not important would be a mistake because it obviously is for them. Listeners too, must have compassion. We must realize that in that moment, they are not “okay”, and you clearly would want them to be okay in the end. Do not take them for granted.

Sometimes it will be a case of the listener having the opportunity to provide feedback or advice, other times it will just be the case of being there and shutting up. A lot of the times, those who are listening don’t have to say anything because the person who is ranting is already comforted by that fact that you are there and listening. And their battles are already half over.

In my own opinion, I feel it necessary to provide feedback and advice/suggestions. Particularly in cases that are more detailed. If it is just a quick growl and then you are feeling better, then perhaps feedback is not called for. But for those times when a rant or a vent becomes “a therapeutic session”, then yes: I will feel obliged to offer my feedback and suggestions for you. Whether you follow the advice that I give (knowing that I am not a professional), is up to you. But if you don’t- and things get worse because you don’t, then you don’t have much of a leg to stand on to come back and complain some more.

But as I said, not all of the time will feedback be warranted.

Treat them with kindness. Again, with compassion.

I do receive a lot of people who rant when they speak to me. It is because they have been told by me that it is okay for them to do so. Which has been my choice. In fact to those people that are within my inner circle, I encourage it.

No, there are not a lot of times where I am able to rant and vent when I would like to. Is it fair? Probably not. But that’s just the way it is. These people who are close to me, know its okay to go on ranting and rambling. And they also know that as long as they feel better when they are done, then I’m okay with it.

I’ve always been there for friends and loved ones and I am sure that I always will be. And who knows, perhaps there will come a time when they will reciprocate. But currently, I haven’t much to rant to them about personally. It seems a bit better at the moment for me to listen, rather than to speak.

So please rant responsibly. Know that it takes two. And both individuals that are involved, are humans with feelings and emotions. Don’t trample them by taking advantage or just up and dismissing them.