A New Idea

“Only the prepared speaker deserves to be confident.”~ Dale Carnegie

As much talking as I do with a certain number of people almost day in and day out, and the amounts of time that I consider “putting on the tie” for when people have been on the edge of their cliff, it came to me that I could actually come up with an idea and it would be fruitful.

I am just sitting here thinking that with as many times as I have talked with people all across this great big world, and have done whatever was within my power to make these people not “jump off the bridge” and realize that things are going to get better.

And wouldn’t you know it, I was totally right all along???

Good grief.

I have had a few experiences speaking to crowds. I haven’t reached that point where I have spoken in front of thousands yet, but I’m getting there.

Mainly my speeches have been about Spina Bifida and my life with it and how I go from day to day. And there are those countless blog posts in which I have used my experiences to tell the story and to let people know not to either get trapped with their lives as I had been trapped or to know better.

My new idea?

Become a public speaker, perhaps a motivational speaker. And hell, while I’m at it- get paid for it!!

What do you think?????

Comment below.

Owning Up

“You are not only responsible for what you say, but also for what you do not say.”~ Martin Luther

Not so long ago I did what some people thought was impossible. Hanging out with the guys. It was a group of about seven, all coming from different walks of life. Some married and some single.

It was a fairly good time hanging out together and not carrying about the outside world. Until I heard one guy’s story of how it was so difficult for him to deal with certain situations when it comes to the bonding between a male and a female.

He said something that at one time, I thought I was the only one who thought it and was about to take the credit for coining the phrase.

He was discussing his friendship with a female. They have been friends for the past few years. He is single, she on the other hand has been recently married and has one child. He was there for her wedding. He threw her an engagement party. He saw everything through the entire way and stood by her side, celebrating her triumphs and being the rock that she needed to fall upon when she crashed and burned. And even through the point where she was married, he remained the same guy that she always knew him to be.

But it wasn’t the fact that she had recently become someone else’s wife that was bothering him. It was not jealousy that was driving him crazy. It was the fact that whenever they would communicate, it felt like to him that she was always introducing the fact that she had boundaries.

He would go on to say, that ‘friend’ was the new F-bomb.

Some of us guys would sit there, looking confused. But I knew exactly what he was talking about.

He would explain that whenever he would talk this female that she would always say “friend” to him. And he felt that it was not used in the sense of endearment.

And because this group of guys knew that I have this reputation of being some kind of listener with valuable insight, I ended up sitting next to him, talking about this the rest of the night. I knew where he was coming from. I’ve gone through the same kind of bumpy roads. The exact roads, to be honest.

His point that I will share in this blog post is that he had been friends with this woman for a very long time. It was quite established that they trusted one another to become friends and do what friends do. But he felt like every time she would do this to him, that it was setting everything back.

Let me use this analogy:

Relationships (male to female & vice versa) can be measured on a scale from 0 to 10. The higher the number, the more meaningful and deep the relationship and the stronger the bond. Of course 10 being that this person is a permanent fixture in your life, whether that person has become your spouse or whatever. But they are there every day for the rest of your life.

The more that time had passed for him, the deeper the relationship that he had with this woman. And it was totally based on them being friends. There was nothing that suggested that it would turn into a romantic relationship or that they would be dating one another, and so on. So this guy’s relationship with this woman would probably only be measured up to go as high as a 7 or 8. And it would not go any higher. It was something he understood and actually is quite content with that.

Yet whenever she would say “friend”, to him it felt like she was pushing him and their relationship down to maybe somewhere between 2 and 4.

He was actually intelligent enough to mention that she should have her boundaries, given her current situation in life. But when it feels like to him that she drags him down and pushes him back to a lower number, his mental state of mind gets bruised and hurt.

What in the world is he to do? He sees her every day. They talk every day. And for the longest time he says that this has been happening even BEFORE she was married to someone else. A new relationship for her, that he completely treated with respect.

There is a great amount of responsibility while being in any relationship. 

Both people should own up to their responsibility, in order to make sure that the relationship is healthy.

Upon entering a new relationship, there’s going to be those times where people slip up and make mistakes . But that is all a part of learning about one another. Because not everyone is the same, not everyone is going to have the same boundaries.

I have my own boundaries and I can tell you that there are a lot of differences between my boundaries and the boundaries of my male counterpart.

I believe that what he truly wanted to say, and I will say it for him here is that there’s nothing wrong with having boundaries. Once you learn what a person is willing to deal with and what they are not willing to deal with, you adapt to it. You learn from that. But then also you carry on. There is no good reason for a person to continually remind the other about them.

From what I heard this guy tell me, this female picks on him and pounds down upon him in a verbal sense that all they will ever be, is friends. And he feels that has already been established so very long ago, and so there’s no real good reason for her to constantly be bringing it up.

You have a responsibility with your relationships. If someone crosses a line, then yeah- its healthy to remind them that they slipped up. It is not healthy for you to come down on them with wrath because of their transgressions and then push it into their faces all the time like a dog who has taken a huge dump throughout the house, instead of doing its business outside.

If there really is a need to do that, then perhaps you should be re-evaluating things.

The way to stop making mistakes, is to learn from them. We have to allow people to do that.

I went ahead in the spirit of all fairness and non-judgement if by chance he may have crossed a line with her. But he said that he had not done so in a very long time. He recognized over the past couple of years where he had crossed a line and he did pay the price for it. And since he didn’t like that outcome, he stopped doing whatever he was doing that was making him cross that boundary. It pained him to think that he had done it before, and it pains him to think of the possibility of doing it again, and that is the driving force that prevents him FROM doing it again.

Humanity is not perfect. Neither are relationships. Are you actually going to remind people of that every time someone does something to you that was wrong or that you didn’t like? Even after the person has shown regret for it, are you still going to bring it up time after time after time? If yes, then honestly what kind of a relationship do you REALLY have with that person??

Having boundaries in life is VERY healthy. But it is unhealthy to hold people’s mistakes against them. Especially if they do not know you very well.

You cannot say that you have a coin, if there is not both “heads” and “tails”.

I believe that having open communication is very much the key. And that means BOTH sides should be able to talk about whatever they want. Should someone cross a boundary or make the other person uncomfortable, then the person who is feeling that way should be able to hit the “ENOUGH” button… explain how or why this is an issue. And if the guilty party owns up to their mistake and apologizes, it needs to be forgiven then forgotten- forever.

Being timid and hoping that something goes away, never works out. If I am doing something that is pissing you off, and I get no response or sense that it is doing just that, and I am not told about it? Chances are that I am going to do it again. Speak up and save the relationship as well as save yourself from further anguish!!

This poor guy that I talked to the rest of the night, he just really enjoys the company and the bonding that he has with this woman. And that’s just a small part of what being in this particular relationship is all about. But he feels so miserable because he’s being constantly reminded of the DO’s and DO NOT’s.

I do not personally know the woman that he talked about. So I cannot say much about her. But what I do see is a person being treated unfairly. Especially since he broke down and said that he hadn’t done anything to offend or make her uncomfortable. I do not see why this woman feels she must constantly reflect the word “friend” on him. After all, they already have been that way for years! I do not think that she should be saying this to him all of the time.

The best thing for him to do is to make HER aware that he is not comfortable with this behavior. And should the truth be that he IS doing something that makes her uncomfortable, she needs to plainly tell him instead of always being quick to run up the walls on him and push him away. It does not sound like to me that she knows what she is doing to him when she does this all of the time. But if he too, is unaware of what he might be doing to her that causes this, then she needs to speak up as well. People are not mind-readers.

Own up to the fact that you do have the right to tell someone that you are not comfortable with what they have said or done. But remember, you have to take responsibility for your own words. Understand that your words are just as powerful and influential as those words (or actions) towards you that cause you to cringe.

It always takes two to do The Tango.

Be aware that even though you might be hurt, that you could potentially hurt the other person by what you say or do. And doing so on purpose, is just cruel and mean. And personally speaking… if that is the case then you don’t deserve to be a part of that relationship.

Sure, you have the right to walk away. But remember, so do they. And if you are behaving in a similar manner as this woman has been, then by all means that other person has every right to walk away and they would be justified to be doing it and there would be no “social jury” willing to convict them of wrong-doing for it.

 

 

 

Firestarter

‘Hearing through the grapevine’

“Even a mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement.”~ Henry Ford

 

Well, I guess I’m potentially gonna be a butt load of trouble soon. I probably have tomorrow to live through it, a few days from now I might not be so lucky.

 

What started out as an innocent private and personal investigation, could possibly turn into a bunch of back biting and mistrust amongst the nurses, the physical therapist, and other employees within the home health agency that is currently working for me. Hopefully not, but at the very worst on my end, they’ll drop me and I will have to go with another company. Or things are about to get very dull and anti-social because they won’t wanna talk with me in fear of being brought up again.

 

This agency is working out for me so much better in the first place. Not like the one that was shoved into place without my input.

 

Needless to say that I still believe that the grapevine is NEVER a place to receive information. Believing in gossip and rumors is terrible and involving yourself in them is poison.

 

I was informed by a nurse this past week that “I” was discussed in length at their weekly staff meeting. A few people said different things about me and my current health status and other things.

 

So when I heard about it? Well, they mentioned names, but alas they had forgotten that I know the people in which names were dropped.

 

That wasn’t the problem. At least not for me. What was bugging the crap out of me was that I would begin to receive information about a conversation over me, and then suddenly right when things were rolling and I was hearing what was talked about, they’d stop and say, “I CAN’T TELL YOU!”.

 

Umm… you start a conversation and then end it in secrecy? I don’t think so! I don’t go down that easily. And besides, does anyone else in this world believe that to be fair? To begin saying something like that and then immediately shutting it off?? No way! Go from beginning to end. Finish what you started.

 

So that immediately began my investigation.

 

But today as the nurse came to do the dressing change to the surgery wound, I started to pull out all of this information that I had collected from the previous workers. This nurse isn’t stupid. She knows what was said by who at the meeting and who could possibly have told me that such information could have been given to me.

 

She stood firm and said nothing else about the meeting. The only thing that she did do was admit to what she had said about my case at the meeting, and in dramatic flailing style. Oy vey!!

 

Then I heard her say, “Guess I need to be more careful about what I say in front of certain people around the office.” Ohhhh boy! This one might look at the others like a group of people who will spill the beans to any patient, and particularly me.

 

In time they are all going to have to realize that I’ve established quite the friendly relationship with the physical therapist, since I’ve with her for a while before. For them to assume anything more than that, would just be wrong. So yeah the PT and I are going to talk. We have ever since I can remember. What we talk about is not the business of anyone but her and I. But then that seems a bit double-sided as I am pretty bad at this investigating thing to see what ALL was said about me in the meeting.

 

I told a dirty joke to one nurse. I think she got embarrassed. And so she announced that I am kind of a flirt. Ain’t that nice?

 

I only told the joke because #1- humor and laughter is the only thing that distracts me from them doing their job which on certain days can be very uncomfortable. And #2- I thought she’d be “adult” about it. But evidently it jumped the fence and did a sprint straight to her emotions and she turned red about it.

 

LOOK OUT!! I’m DIRTY!!!!!!!!!! Oh well.

But now I hope that things don’t get wonky with them. And just how much of a backlash could I expect from this? It is a bit creepy to think about. But I’m gonna do my best and try not to worry about it. I am who I am, and they all know that by now. I just hope that their information sharing isn’t going to get them all in a sticky situation.

 

 

 

 

Conversation Serial Killers

“It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities.”~
Josiah Stamp

A conversation is taking place. A jovial and social interaction between two people. But by the time the end of the conversation comes, you’ve realized that the topic of conversation has drastically changed.

What was once a pleasant exchange about how you enjoyed your time at last weekend’s family picnic has ended with you discussing how when you were seventeen, you stole your neighbor’s car for a joyride and now you are feeling remorse.

How in the world does that happen?

The subject matter never came to an ultimate conclusion. I mean that it never got to the point where you have said all that you had wanted to say about it and now its still incomplete. Some way, some how, someone did not want to hear about the food fight over Aunt Gertude’s prize-winning Spicy Potato Salad.

Sometimes when we engage with others in correspondence, we have multiple things that we would like to tell them. But when it comes down to the fact that you are going your separate ways, you realize that only a fraction of the topics that you were wanting to share with them were brought up.

You have been side-stepped. Once something comes up and the topic begins to change, it is do-si-do and away you go! The other person side-steps the subject and moves on to something else even before you are finished talking about it. Almost as if they are line dancing around what you feel is important to discuss.

Now I understand that there are times when a person will bring up something that might be uncomfortable for you to discuss, whether it be answering a personal question or discussing something that you feel might hurt the other person’s feelings. But do you honestly believe that dodging the subject or question is going to make things better?

What does that make you look like? And how do you think that makes the person who was talking to, feel??

There are many ways in which people dodge conversations. I went to find out just why people do this. There was very few legitiment possible answers to the question.

Comfort. Apparently the other person is not feeling comfortable with the topic and does not wish to continue any longer in that particular sore subject.

Defensiveness. This comes in particularly if a person is asking a question that is either difficult or personal, or both. The other person dodges the subject and tries to move on because they believe that by responding back, they are going to hurt that person with whatever they respond with.

Ego. The person with a massive ego always takes delight in changing the subject. Mainly, because they want their time in the spotlight and they want to talk about themselves rather than anything or anyone else. For as long as they can, by as much as they can, they will do whatever it takes to talk about them.

Of course there may be others that I am missing. But these seem to be the repeated ones over and over again as to why this nonsense is happening. Yes, nonsense!

Ego- I believe this explains itself.

Defensiveness- When I was in high school, I had a serious crush on a girl who did not reciprocate any crush back. In fact, she was more repulsed by the idea. And because of those wild and running feelings of that crush, I was blind to that ever being the possible reason why she did not return those feelings. Yet my father knew of the situation, he knew that she would turn me down. But he said nothing. Even when I went to him with tears in my eyes, asking the question of “Why won’t she talk to me?!?”, he kept silent throughout because he knew that the only truthful answer that he could give, was going to hurt my feelings.

Would it have been best for him to say something? Possibly. Although there was that chance that yes, my feelings would have been hurt. But then I may or may not have been responsive to it, so I think in this case my father allowed me to learn my lesson on my own.

Comfort- Let’s face it. Sometimes in life, we are ignorant. And I think that is why we talk about certain things, and ask specific questions… because we do not know and we are willing to take that risk and ask a question in order to lessen our ignorance and lean more towards knowledge. There are those times when we think we know a person, but then there are those times in which we touch a nerve by mistake. And the next thing we know that person is feeling uncomfortable (but not to our knowledge) and therefore that’s when the attempt of a new topic of conversation comes into play.

However this is my bottom line opinion on this entire scenario: We should not ignore people and try to manipulate what is being discussed.

If it is a situation of not being comfortable, I think that the other person should take up the responsibility to just simply and calmly say, “Hey, I do not wish to talk about it”. There should be no resentment at all for having to say that.

“If you don’t mean it, don’t say it.” — Does anyone remember hearing this growing up??

If the conversation is making you uncomfortable, you have the option as well as the right to change it, but allow the other person to know what page you are on instead of line dancing around it.

As far as defensive, there are times that I think people need to hear certain things. Particularly if it is clear and obvious that they are going down a dangerous road in their life. They really do need to be told of the warning signs that you are seeing, and apparently they are not. If you honestly care about a person, wouldn’t you feel that obligation to let them know how you feel?

As we all know, we can’t stop people from doing stupid stuff. But if we warn them about it, then it does return the responsibility back on to the other person who brought it up in the first place. Dodging the conversation because you don’t like it, is pretty lame.

Everyone has their own equal rights to say how they feel, think, or believe. Yet at the same time, if you actually engage in correspondence with that person, you are taking up the responsibility for that conversation, particularly your side of it. You’ve made the choice to talk to them, rather than not.

With equal rights comes equal responsibility. Use that responsibility, and use it wisely. Allow the other person to know that whatever it is that they are saying or asking about, is something that you don’t care to discuss. When you have done that, you have taken the mature step to ending a conversation that could ultimately become uncomfortable. And if they are not willing to accept it, then you are NOT responsible for their own actions.

I think that it is totally ridiculous that conversations bounce all over the place. Unless these certain things don’t take up a lot of breath and time and you are able to say what you wanted to in the first place and then swiftly move on to the next thing that you wanted to talk about.

Don’t be a conversation killer. In the end, it kills more than just current conversation.

Internet Security

“Never think you’ve seen the last of anything.”~ Eudora Welty.

Well, let’s face it. We should probably add this phrase to the list of oxymorons. Is there such thing as Internet security?

In some cases yes, there is. But most cases, no there is not.

Probably the number one thing we overlook as far as having our security online is the infinite ways of mass communication. Sharing sites, social networking sites. Even though you are told that you are secured- you really are not.

I am not referring to some high-tech illegal hacking ring somewhere thousands of miles away. I am talking about right here at home, the neighboring state, even in the other room.

Confused yet?

The information that we pour out into the Internet via e-mails, message boards, social networking sites, and other ways of mass communication drops that curtain of security and allows others to come into our lives. Even though we are not embarking on a journey to pass out our credit card information, we are sharing with others the OTHER kinds of information that sometimes we feel is safe.

After all, you would never had known I was wearing underwear with holes in it, if I had not told you so. Right? And no, I am not going to turn on any camera and prove it either! (Freaking perverts.)

These social networking sites are the worst. This is my main point. It allows us to say whatever we want to say, knowing that others are going to see it and read it. On a few rare occurences, they do strike back at us.

Photographs being uploaded of us soooooooo drunk the weekend before that now we are embarrassed that it ever happened. Or even some random rant that we scream at the top of our lungs about something, only to find out that we were wrong in the first place. Its out there and its there for forever.

The best thing for us to do is to not say anything. That is, if you are looking for absolute total security. But then again if that is the case, what are you doing on the Internet??

Some people WANT to be seen and heard because they have something to say. And I will say, that’s a good thing. Even I can come up with a gem of a statement a time or two, sprinkled here and there.

Those who have something to share, usually do. Its those who say things just for the sake of being seen. Those are the people who end up getting burned because they opened up their flood gates and allowed all of this information that was personal about them to become known and exposed.

And of course even for those who have decent commentary and important issues to talk about, their words get twisted because of the lack of sincerity that is taken when read. Including the absence of vocal inflection. We cannot tell just how serious a person is about something because we cannot HEAR whether they are shouting from the mountain tops or just casually speaking up.

It happened to me as of recently. One comment that was “heard around the world” and back again to the point where I had heard being said to me. Unfortunately when it was repeated back to me, the person who told me did not realize it was I who had started that comment.

Always think twice when using the Internet for communication. Don’t be so shy to edit yourself, and for crying out loud… proofread yourself!!!! Nothing says “boring” more than a message that is filled with errors. And seriously though, if you are unsure about something that you have written then don’t send it. If you have any uncertainty about whether or not you should be talking about it then chances are you probably shouldn’t be.

 

Don’t Tell Anyone!

“Nothing weighs on us so heavily as a secret.”~ Jean De La Fontaine

Whenever I am talking with someone, and the topic begins with “Don’t tell anyone I said this..”, or “You didn’t hear this from me”, it immediately sends up red flags.

There seems to be a lot of that floating around in this day and age. Everything seems to be a big secret.  And I am not 100% sure why that is or why it has to be.

These kinds of phrases seemed to be echoed over and over again, especially where I live. I find myself thrusted into the streets of “Peyton Place”, rather than having a decent conversation with another human being.

Through my experiences, it is not so much that the subject matter is a secret but rather it is the beginning of a conversation turning into gossip. And for those people who are trying to initiate the gossip only use those kinds of words and phrases to cover their own butts, so it doesn’t seem like they are such a bad person for beginning to gossip in the firs place.

These words trigger my defenses so quickly that it has become more or less, an automatic response. I KNOW that whatever is about to follow is either not true, partially true, or simply unnecessary to be discussed.

Yet society does have its own secrets. I tend to believe that a lot of things that I am told “in secrecy”, is only a test to see if I have the capability to keep my mouth shut. So when I hear about someone not quitting their job, or someone just found she was pregnant, or something like that, then it becomes a test of whether or not I can keep this information to myself.

The joke is on them though. Not everyone on this planet knows how to separate secrets from gossip. Mainly because they LOVE to gossip themselves. So then whenever I am tol something in secrecy like this, and the words get out anyway… there’s no way that it can be pinned on me. Try as they might.

Trust me, with the fact that a majority of my neighbors are of the elderly class… all they have time for any more, is gossip and talk. I get to hear everyone’s dirty little secrets. The interesting fact is that I get to hear these kinds of stories over and over again because they believe I am the innocent party and I have not been given such information that they feel it necessary that I should have it. But then turn around with their personal disclaimer of how it should not be repeated when the truth is that by the time you have told me, its been repeated to me four or five times by then.

Besides all of that, whatever happened to common sense? Where did it go that people absolutely MUST tell you NOT to repeat what they are telling you?? Its not in my job description for me to inform other neighbors, friends, or family members if your niece is in the hospital with a broken leg because she was stupid enough to jump off the roof of her house. If you want to share that with someone, then by all means YOU DO IT!

You shouldn’t have to pre-warn me not to repeat anything you’ve just told me.

Some information is meant to be shared. Other information is not. But don’t put me in that position where everything that comes out of your mouth has to be vaulted and sealed. Mainly because I am just going to believe that whatever you just said, probably isn’t all that true to begin with.

It makes sense to me that if you are talking to me in public, with people walking around that whatever it is you are telling me, just common talk. But if you and I are talking on a one-on-one situation, chances are that its personal conversation and I KNOW BETTER not to be spreading it around. And you won’t have me to blame when it does come out and you feel betrayed. You’ll just have to look to whomever else you told that held that same conversation with to see who it was that blabbed their tongues.

And they wonder why I don’t get out as much anymore?!?