Find Your Heaven

“Ah, to think how thin the veil that lies Between the pain of hell and Paradise.”~George William Russel

Too many times we find ourselves sinking through the quicksand of our own negativity in our personal lives. Too many things that we feel have “gone wrong” always keeping us from rising from the ashes and prevents us from exploring all of the things that we find wholesome, pleasant, and enjoyable.

Our human nature is fixed on thriving on the worst things in life. And we find ourselves in an seemingly impossible state to ever be happy again. We tend to allow our brains to thrive on what is keeping us unhappy.

We all have our own things in life where our situation calls for us to believe that “we are in hell.” Yes, we have the bad with the good. But if you ask the average person to name off twenty things that they are unhappy about, they will find themselves snowballing beyond that twenty item list and have the desire to keep going before you have to literally stop them from continuing on.

But if you ask the same person to name only ten things that they are happy about, chances are that they are going to have more trouble trying to fill the list to make all ten items. They might be able to do it, but it will take them longer.

Whether it be work, or our home situation, or even at play- we all have those things that we involve ourselves with and deep down we just cannot stand it because it gives us so much grief and unknown pain to the outside world. We grumble and complain about having to do things that we do not want to do. After all, it’s hell: remember??

I believe that our mental health actually is dependent on both the good and the bad. It’s called “balance”. But because we are all different and we all believe different things, it can be tricky to decipher what is heaven and what is hell. In this case, mental balance is relative to what we assert ourselves to believe.

But whatever those things are, our mental health cannot attain much good if we constantly think negatively. We will never find our heaven because we are setting up residence and forwarding our mail in hell. And we are considering a new coat of paint within the walls of our trapped mind.

So what if we pause for just one moment and find something that actually pleases us? A thought, an experience, an activity. What about those things that we totally surround ourselves in joy? Nothing can be lost if you just stop and think about these things for a single moment. And not allow the cognitive distortions to creep over us and try to convince us that even though these things make us happy, that we’ll never attain it. Which is an unfounded theory and just “stinking thinking”.

We’re going to have our hell. But it doesn’t mean we have to swim in it day & night. We can also have our own piece of heaven too!! If we just calm down, breathe, and pause. Focus on the POSITIVE things that keep us encouraged and motivated to be better people.

Needless to say that how we live inside our heads, also effects how we interact with other people. And they will notice whether or not you are in your heaven or drowning in your hell.

Stop drowning. Don’t even swim. Get out of the deep end and towel off. Then go find your ideal of what your GOOD mental health can actually be and take a break for as long as you can! Refresh your batteries while you are at it too… its free of charge!

Memory Assimilation

“Memory is a paradise out of which fate cannot drive us.”~ Alexandre Dumas, fils

I went to the grocery store the other day and I saw a bunch of strawberries, and thought of someone. I smelled a pizza being baked in the bakery, and thought of someone else. Then I could hear a song being played over the store’s intercom system, and thought of someone else. Strolling through aisle after aisle there was a mother having an argument with her child about why she would not buy any ice cream and overheard her reasoning. When she said the phrase, “That’s the way it is.”, I thought of another person.

I found my brain being driven into overload from the memories of certain people that these certain things were reminding me. Throughout my time inside that store, I thought of these people. I wondered what and how they were doing, how their lives were, and an overall curiosity of simply, them.

The human memory has got to be one of the most powerful things that our brain posesses. I started to wonder about human memory. I wondered why some people can remember a lot, and others cannot remember what they did an hour before.

I had always been told by my own family, “You have a memory of steel.” I can remember a lot. People, places, things. And in great detail. I think it drives my own family to the edge of either insanity or jealousy whenever my brain releases these memories to my thoughts and I begin to tell their tales.

The earliest memory that I have, I was either three or four years old. I was in double leg casts after having surgery and I was crawling around on the floor inside of the house because my family did not have a wheelchair. Dragging those “heavy plaster boots” around me wherever I decided to roam. Having to be picked up by my parents and placed at the dinner table, or on the couch to watch evening television and then being put into bed.

That’s as far as I can go with my memory. It is not as distinct and clear as a certain memory that I have created today when I went out for coffee and donuts. That was today, this childhood memory happened many, many years ago.

Still though, what is it about our brains and about certain things that will cause us to remember individual situations and times?

The brain does not actually remember things like specific dates, but rather it remembers what we were doing on those specific dates and we are able to connect and assimilate exactly when that was. It is the actions that causes the memory. Not the day of the calendar.

So it was driving me crazy. What exactly is it that causes us to remember?

There are certain “triggers” that cause our brains to remember things. Little bitty things that will make us stop and think about what we had done in our past and where we have been, where we came from.

These things are the following:

• Sensory
• Emotions
• Background
• Intellect
• Visceral Sensory

You can look them up on your own time, if you wish to research it further. However I believe that Sensory has got to be the strongest trigger that our brain uses in order to remember things.

I could see, smell, hear, taste, and touch all of these individual things and the senses go into action that I would remember particular situations with these people. Specific conversations or whatever. Nevertheless, their images were in my head in an instant and they remained on my mind the rest of the day. My thoughts were that they were all doing okay in their scope of life and that they were happy wherever they were.

It all boiled down to pleasant things. My reaction was priceless when I realized that everyone or everything that I was “remembering”, I have a fervent passion for. And for each their own reasons.

I cannot explain why I have such the remarkable ability to remember a lot of things in which my family cannot. Or other people for that matter. But I have been blessed with it. One memory will turn into another, and then another, and then yet another.

Memories are flowing as I still write this post!

What is it that causes you to remember certain things? And what is your earliest memory??

Agree To Disagree

“It would behoove us to suppress the minutiae….”~Diane Keaton in “The Other Sister” [1995].

Okay, it appears that some people are having a bit of trouble with how to interact as well as react to others online. And it is causing grief to dramatic proportions.

So gather on ’round kiddos! I’m about to re-educate some of you. And others I will prick the consciences. Hopefully it will stick.

There are no two people who are the same. There’s a lot of talk about whether or not two people are a perfect match. Well, I don’t believe in that. Compatible maybe! Friendly? Yes of course. But there are no two people alike. And we’re not even going to discuss the topic of twins.

Everyone in this world has their own ways of living their lives. They grew up believing in what they believe. No, don’t get me wrong already. This isn’t about religion specifically either. This is about opinions & assholes. 

Each person has their own way of doing things from day until night. Some do it fast, others take their time. Some get down and dirty and others just do it.

The Internet is a wonderful place to meet people. I’ve said that before I think in previous posts. Yet we all have to understand that not necessarily your ways are going to be their ways. Your beliefs and opinions are not always going to be theirs either.

How and what you do in your country, isn’t always going to be the same for another person in another country. That’s just the way it is.

So it is totally ridiculous for one person to be claiming that they are “friendly, sociable, and love to meet people” when all they are doing when trouble arises and they hit that first bump in the road is trying to swerve the others into their ways, their beliefs, their opinions. It just doesn’t happen!!

Society has a very difficult and bad habit of taking more than they give too. One cannot continually take and take, and not be expected to give in return. That is called being selfish. How are you supposed to live this life of being friendly and sociable when all you are doing is sucking the life out of someone by taking everything. And you expect them to be nice to you? Nope! Doesn’t happen that way!!!

So people, I verily say unto you: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over?!?

Understand that people in this world will not go along with you 100% of the time. That is their choice and their right as a human being. You don’t have to like it, but you will eventually have to respect it.

It would actually do you far much better to LEARN the difference and find out their side of things of why they do it differently than you. Still, you don’t have to agree. But it will become far more beneficial to you if you do so, and these drama moments will not happen as frequently.

You say you wanna be friends with this person? Great! One can only benefit with having friends, and having a true friend is even better.

Wanna know how to do that? Get to know EVERYTHING you can about that person. You never know what all good and commonalities you may end up having deep down. Especially on a personal level. And this is exactly the reason why I am best friends with those whom I consider “my best friends” because I took the time to get to know them so much and so well.

You standing there with your backs turned because you don’t wanna hear what they have to say, especially since they disagree with you is absolutely immature. Particularly if you are an adult.

But we all know that adults act like children sometimes, and that’s for another time.

If you are in a position where you just will not bend to see their side of things but you want to remain in contact with them? There’s only one thing you can do:

AGREE TO DISAGREE.

If both sides can do that. You’ll be better off. You’ll be armed with the knowledge that perhaps you shouldn’t be bringing that kind of topic up again… until you are adult and mature enough to listen.

Nobody is saying that you cannot speak up for yourself. Or that you can’t feel how you feel or think how you think. Everybody is allowed that human right.

And if you just can’t get all of this in your head to where you learned something? Just remember this………

Opinions are like assholes. Everybody’s got one.

Why Have A Blog?

“I want to start a blog, but what should I write about?”. I receive this question more than you know.

A lot of people have been asking me personally about whether or not they should have a blog. It seems as if they have already made up their minds about it, but they just do not know what exactly to write about.

I think that it is a fair question to ask. A lot of people now are writing in online blogs. And a lot of people do it for a lot of different reasons.

Some use their blog as an attachment to their careers. Writers and authors who want to keep their minds fresh for their personal projects and aren’t working on them, want to be able to keep their creative writing minds flowing.

Other people use blogs for the purpose of free advertisement. Whatever it is that they are trying to spread the word on, they use a blog now because most blogging websites are free to join.

I’ve even seen blogs created for the purpose of being able to keep in contact with masses of people. Their posts update from time to time on what is going on with their lives and instead of writing individual e-mails over and over again, or using mass messages which may have limitations, they choose to use the blog to get their information out there.

And still there are those who just use it as a hobby. They post creative ideas and writings and want to be able to put their personal work some place where they won’t lose it, as well as be able to share it with others.

There are countless reasons as to why a person uses a blog. This blog has used all of the above. I do not get paid for blogging, and I doubt that I ever will. And that’s just fine. Writing is good therapy in the first place, for some.

But you want a blog that will be something that everyone can read, right?? Of course you do! You want it to be something that people will actually come back to read it because they want to read it. Especially after the first initial impact that was made from their first time visiting.

The most important part of any blog is what you have to say and how you say it. People will return to your blog if they like what you write about a specific subject and they like your writing style.

With that in mind, your blog should be written in a tone appropriate to your blog topic. Keep it personable so as to invite interaction through blog comments and links back to your blog.

So the important question you should ask yourself is “What is it that I want to say?”.

Are you going to list your family’s favorite recipes and concentrate on that subject, or are you wanting to do a “How To” blog and share with the rest of the world your knowledge on how to do stuff?

Once you figure that out, the rest is pure gravy. You can find just the right blogging website to suit your needs. Then you just write, write, write!

The people will come, slowly but surely.

Good Luck.

 

Making Lasting Memories

Certain events that happen in our lives can cause a memory that we end up remembering for the rest of our lives.

We have our good memories, and of course we have our bad memories as well.

But what makes any particular event so special that it becomes a memory? One that we cherish whenever we think about it and dream like it was only yesterday that it happened?

My own family can tell you that I have a steel-trap memory. I recall things that happened to me and my family as far back as three decades ago, and I’m not really “all that old”. They are totally fascinated that I recall specific events that happened with them, with me. I can remember what was said, what they were doing, and even sometimes what they were wearing. They tease me sometimes when they say that they hate my brain.

But what is it that causes “anything” to become “something”? Each and every day, our brains imprint certain things that we can remember. And other things that happen we don’t really focus on and therefore we don’t pay too much attention to it.

We remember a lot because we document things. We have photographs and video that was recording during certain times. And that causes our minds to reflect on those times and help us remember what we were doing at that exact moment. Momentos are a wonderful thing in my book.

Its wildly fascinating for others who seem to believe that their memory is not as good as others. We commonly joke if we had allowed our brains to not specifically take note of something when others have and we forget. Usually the standard is, “I don’t know. I’ve slept since then.”

I use that phrase all of the time if someone is talking to me and I do not recall what it is they are talking about.

We remember certain things. Our first kiss, our first date, our first car. The first time we bought a home. Our children being born. All of these things that happened in our lifetime that brought us nothing but complete joy. We are fixed with a multitude of happy feelings whenever we go through these experiences and we tend to remember them forever.

I have to admit that I just recently had one of these happy moments earlier today. I had been corresponding through e-mail with a female colleague for about two years. But that changed because at 1:28 AM, my cell phone rang. Scared the crap out of me, really. And it was her calling to say hello. I remember the time, because my brain is cool like that.

Two years and this is the first time we had ever actually spoken to one another. For me, it definitely was a moment in the making for a lasting memory.

I’ve even had another colleague call me for the first time ever several months ago, and we had been corresponding for even longer than two years. Try nearly ten!

I remember exactly what I was doing when I first received correspondence from my new friend that I focused and dedicated an early post on. I remember the date, I remember what was said, and I remember what I was doing at the time when I saw that I had a response.

And I cannot forget my small trip to Houston which happened a few weekends ago. Most of that is still fresh in my mind!

To me, these are happy moments. Glorious moments that filled my heart with love and joy. Something that is going to stay with me for the rest of my life. Just being able to stop and think back and then hear their voices in my mind. So kind and gentle and comforting.

And like I said, we have our “bad memories”.

I remember what I was doing when I heard that my mother had passed away from cancer. I remember what was going on in my mind when I went to the funeral. I remember what I said to my best friend at the time when I moved away to another state when I was nine years old. Sad memories, bad memories.

But I think that the world does concentrate on the bad stuff far too much than they should. With the good, will come the bad. But we do not have to dwell and focus on it all of the time.

But these past few memories that were made now in 2011, almost seem like small personal victories. I’m so very glad that they happened.

What kind of awesome, wonderful memories do you have? What exactly happened that caused you so much joy that you wanted to run up to the tallest mountain and shout to the world that this had happened to you and you would tell anyone who would stop and listen to your story?

On the previous note of having momentos, I too have them. Photographs, saved e-mails from special people. Video tape galore. I can re-visit that at any time I choose to.

This whole entry may not make a lot of sense, but I’m just so thrilled to have made this new lifetime memory. And yes, I am on top of my mountain and sharing it with you, the reader.

I think that our lives would be lost if we didn’t have our memories. How else would we know where we came from or where we are going?

Things Aren’t Always What They Seem

Cognitive distortions are exaggerated and irrational thoughts identified in cognitive therapy and its variants. They are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves. It is those things in our minds that constantly catch us day in and day out, and most certainly the causes of our bad days whenever they appear. And it dilutes those bad days that we have, into having worse ones.

Let me list for you the 15 most common cognitive distortions. You can see for yourself which ones you have always fallen to, and which ones you have caught your brain doing the thinking for you, when in fact the truth of the matter is that things weren’t so bad in the first place. It will surprise you how many times you have gone through this without knowing it. I know that it did for me, when I first heard about these.

1. Filtering.

 

We take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted.

2. Polarized Thinking.

 

Things are either “black-or-white.” We have to be perfect or we’re a failure–there is no middle ground. You place people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and situations. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

3. Overgeneralization.

 

We come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, we expect it to happen over and over again. A person may see a single, unpleasant event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

4. Jumping to Conclusions.

 

Without individuals saying so, we know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, we are able to determine how people are feeling toward us. For example, a person may conclude that someone is reacting negatively toward them and don’t actually bother to find out if they are correct. Another example is a person may anticipate that things will turn out badly, and will feel convinced that their prediction is already an established fact.

5. Catastrophizing.

 

We expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as “magnifying or minimizing.” We hear about a problem and use what if questions (e.g., “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to me?”).

For example, a person might exaggerate the importance of insignificant events (such as their mistake, or someone else’s achievement). Or they may inappropriately shrink the magnitude of significant events until they appear tiny (for example, a person’s own desirable qualities or someone else’s imperfections).

6. Personalization.

 

Thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to us. We also compare ourselves to others trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc. A person sees themselves as the cause of some unhealthy external event that the were not responsible for. For example, “We were late to the dinner party and caused the hostess to overcook the meal. If I had only pushed my husband to leave on time, this wouldn’t have happened.”

7. Control Fallacies.

 

If we feel externally controlled, we see ourselves as helpless a victim of fate. For example, “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor, my boss demanded I work overtime on it.” The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For example, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?”

8. Fallacy of Fairness.

 

We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won’t agree with us. As our parents tell us, “Life is always fair,” and people who go through life applying a measuring ruler against every situation judging its “fairness” will often feel badly and negative because of it.

9. Blaming.

 

We hold other people responsible for our pain, or take the other track and blame ourselves for every problem. For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and emotional reactions.

10. Shoulds.

 

We have a list of ironclad rules about how others and we should behave. People who break the rules make us angry, and we feel guilty when we violate these rules. A person may often believe they are trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything.

For example, “I really should exercise. I shouldn’t be so lazy.” Musts and oughts are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When a person directs should statements toward others, they often feel anger, frustration and resentment.

11. Emotional Reasoning.

 

We believe that what we feel must be true automatically. If we feel stupid and boring, then we must be stupid and boring. You assume that your unhealthy emotions reflect he way things really are — “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”

12. Fallacy of Change.

 

We expect that other people will change to suit us if we just pressure or cajole them enough. We need to change people because our hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.

13. Global Labeling.

 

We generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. These are extreme forms of generalizing, and are also referred to as “labeling” and “mislabeling.” Instead of describing an error in context of a specific situation, a person will attach an unhealthy label to themselves.

For example, they may say, “I’m a loser” in a situation where they failed at a specific task. When someone else’s behavior rubs a person the wrong way, they may attach an unhealthy label to him, such as “He’s a real jerk.” Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded. For example, instead of saying someone drops her children off at daycare every day, a person who is mislabeling might say that “she abandons her children to strangers.”

14. Always Being Right.

 

We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” Being right often is more important than the feelings of others around a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, even loved ones.

15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy.

 

We expect our sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if someone is keeping score. We feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come.

Pretty heavy stuff. It is my own personal theory that when we beat ourselves up, is when cognitive distortions are working at their greatest. Things happen when we don’t want it to happen, or things don’t happen when we expect them to. So when we begin to think about it, our brain goes down that dark and winding road that never seems to end, trying to come up with the answers by ourselves without any burden of evidence. It is our humanly assumptions that come into view and we believe what we want to believe.

This happened to me several times yesterday. A long time friend of mine ran into me and we chatted for a bit before we had to part ways. I gave them my telephone number and they said that they were going to give me a call to catch up with life around 9:00 PM. I had plans already made but because I had made the choice to want to speak with them, I cancelled what was already on my personal schedule. I made the decision to make room for this person so that I would be available to speak on the phone with them. But when 9:30 PM rolled around, I almost immediately began to wonder why in the world the telephone wasn’t ringing. I was trying to make up something in my mind that sounded like a rational explanation for the reason why it was appearing this person was either standing me up or blowing me off.

The phone call finally did come at 10:00 PM. One hour later than what was originally talked about. I was given the reason that this person was in a place where there was no cell phone signal, and decided to drive home and call me from there.

Now I knew that they only had a cell phone. It was something that they had just told me earlier that day. It was something that was not allowed to enter into my mind because I was making myself believe that this person was being a complete jerk towards me, and I kept thinking about how much fun I was missing because I had cancelled my earlier plans. If I had only remembered the fact that they were only able to get ahold of me through a cell phone, I wouldn’t have been so hard on them, in my own mind.

After I had a nice chat with my friend, I went to read my e-mail messages.

A colleague of mine had responded to an inquiry that I had written to them just a few days before. They said that they were at work still and checking their messages while on their break, but they were planning to respond to my inquiry when they got home. Which they had suspected would be in a couple of hours. So then why did I begin the process of checking my e-mail inbox at 12:02 AM early this morning and kept hitting the “refresh” button almost every 15 seconds to 5 minutes? Because it was said, “I might be able to write to you in a couple of hours.” That was the direct quote.

By 1:15 AM this morning, there was still no e-mail. I had absolute zero correspondence beyond what they had told me before. And what I thought made things worse is that they hadn’t even remotely addressed the subject to which had caused me to inquire in the first place.

Again, I could feel my mind being flooded with the possible scenarios of “what if“?

Two hours had come and gone and there was no particular evidence of this colleague was even having the desire to respond to me. I tried to come up with excuses. I tried to come up with reasons. But it still angered me to the point where I was just lost in confusion. “A couple of hours” means “a couple of hours”. To me, it was all black & white. I filtered into my head that I was getting messed around with. I also filtered into my head that this person was being a real pain in the butt with me. That they did nothing to me, but lied.

Around 2:30 AM, I had given up. I had turned in for the night, but could not sleep. My mind still wandered around in the pitfalls of cognitive distortions as I came up with every little detailed story, lie, or excuse that they could ever tell me for whenever they finally did respond back to me. It made my bad night into a worse night and sleep was very much lost.

It was so bad for me that I got up out of bed one full hour later and checked my inbox yet one more time. Only to find it as empty as I had left it the last time.

From some miracle though, I did manage to fall asleep at some point. I woke up though at my usual time. I felt exhausted, confused, depressed, and continually bothered by the fact that I was completely stunned at the fact that when I had gone to bed, this person still had not contacted me. All I could do was keep saying to myself, “Wow!”. Someone whom I had “believed” to be a trusted individual to the point where I know that they would always keep their word.

I would however, overcome this. This morning I started to think to myself that I just simply do not know what the reasons are as to why I have not heard from them. That there could be a million and one things that could have prevented them from writing me back. And I would slowly drift into the realms of insanity and distrust of all mankind with that colleague at the front of the firing line, if I had allowed myself to sit and think about them all, trying to rationalize everything when I simply had nothing concrete to base my thoughts upon.

Humans are flawed. We are filled with making mistakes. It is up to us to understand this. Just because we do not get our way doesn’t mean that the corners of the world are going to start to crumble and the earth fall apart into oblivion. The best thing that I could do for myself in this situation was to allow the possibilities that there will come a time when my colleague will write in the future. If we allow ourselves to believe what we want, we will never be happy. We must allow for others to make their own decisions in life and if there are consequences, they are the ones that must deal with it. Our own mental health and sanity greatly depends on our ways of allowing what we decide to believe what our brains are telling us.

I know that for myself, I need to allow others to be able to explain themselves when plans don’t work out the way we hope for. As the saying goes, “What will be, will be.” We can either embrace that and live stronger, more healthy mental lives or we can fight for what we believe is true without any regard towards others and just allow our lives to slump into despair and thus become more miserable than we had ever thought would be possible. Life wasn’t meant to be easy but it doesn’t have to be hell.