Failure To Lip Launch

 

“A man’s kiss is his signature.”~ Mae West

You know… as if it isn’t already difficult enough, having that special bond between friends where you are met with salutations of a hug and a kiss on the cheek has had its benefits for me. But has also caused me to forever be lost in this state of mind where I just cannot wrap my head around it to the point where things are kept in its policies and welcoming procedures.

Not to say that I am complaining about my female friends who greet with a kiss, I’m not saying that at all. I’m NOT stupid!

But when my daily routine is stuck in a wheelchair and every once in a while, that day comes where I find myself in the presence of those who are physically affectionate in their greetings, I always seem to find myself in a situation where failure is inevitable.

This morning I was up at such an early hour that it was personally disturbing. Within an hour though as I drudged through the first few cups of coffee, my eyes would behold a sight that I have not seen in many, many months. It would turn out that my eyes were not deceiving me and that I did see my friend of long ago.

Yep, you guessed it by now. One that greets me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

However my brain was too slow in processing what I saw and by the time I realized it was her, she vanished.

I wasn’t sure what to do at that point. I sat there in the community room chugging down more coffee to wake up quicker. I didn’t know whether to go home and call her cell phone or just wait there for her to come back through. I decided that creating a stake out was my best course of action, especially if I wanted to say hello to her. The only “con” to that decision was that I would have no idea of what time she would be passing through again. It might be fifteen minutes, it might be five hours.

Hunting her down was not an option because I knew where she went in all honesty, but she was there not just for a visit rather on business. So I didn’t want to get in the way of that.

Luckily for me, it was somewhere in between that. And when I saw that she was approaching… well, I blazed a trail so quick and so fast that I was surprised that the floor didn’t catch fire. But I had no idea that she would catch on that I was busting my ass to reach her.

She saw me, and instructed for me to hang out and that she would be right back. Then she turned around again and said jokingly to slow down.

And as always when it was time for her to depart was the physically affectionate gesture that I failed miserably at.

I just don’t understand why it has to be so difficult. It is not like I am trying to play a few quick rounds of tonsil hockey with her. But at this lower altitude definitely has its horrible disadvantages.

I don’t know if it is technique or timing. Maybe its a little bit of both? If I move in first, I run the risk of coming across as aggressive. If I move a little bit slower, I could reach lip to lip. And some women wouldn’t find that all that amusing. If I move too slow, then I miss out on the opportunity as I did today.

And at times when I have attempted it, and I have missed? Well, I’ve ended up brushing my lips on some really awkward, weird, and messed up places upon the face. Most of them, too horrible to mention.

Help me out here. What in the world am I supposed to do??

I know that the average height of a woman isn’t so much higher than I am sitting in this wheelchair. As a matter of fact most women that I know if they were to offer to push me somewhere, and I were to slowly lean my head back, I would be able to lean my head back into nature’s “head rests” if you know what I mean.

So I am not sure if I can calculate the distance between how much the average woman that I know has to either lean down or bend over to embrace me. And where do I land that kiss on her cheek? Not all of them move at the same pace either.

And what if I don’t reciprocate the kiss? Some women would get offended.

I am truly at a loss here.

Today’s episode though when I missed the opportunity to reach the cheek, I went into a panic. And so what did I do? Instead I grabbed her by the hand and went all 18th Century on her and kissed her hand. To which her response to it all was something that I had not expected. 

“OHH, AREN’T YOU TOO SWEET?”

Paging Dr. Love– where the heck are you?????????????

Getting Territorial

“A woman would run through fire and water for such a kind heart.”~William Shakespeare

So I’ve decided while this is still fresh, to share this with you. I received quite the wicked message from a man who apparently has “the lovers making of 10,000 men”. It was not in the least bit pleasant and definitely something that has been written out of rage. At first, it was offensive. But when I read it over a few times, it just got stupid and I began to find a lot of humor in it because it is so senseless, unnecessary, and above all: wrong.

I find the reason behind this message being written to me to be just as laughable. Sufficed to say, I did not reply. I did not ask questions. I simply deleted the message. But what I did do was copied it.

This message that is written by this man is involving a woman that he and I both know and associate with. For myself, it is at a social and platonic level. But evidently, this woman has somehow developed into the love of his entire life.

I will keep the names out of it. Other than that I will not edit it, however I will warn you that the language is a bit rough. It reads as follows:

Hey dude,

Who the fuck do you think you are?? Do you think you are some kind of Romeo cuz you’re not. You’re not God’s gift to women either, you fucking jerkoff!! Why don’t you just fucking roll down a hill and off of a cliff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you think _______ is really all that impressed with you? Do you really think she is in love with you? Boy you have another thing coming if you think you are going to get down into her panties. I have a better shot at that than you do. I am not being cocky, I am just being real. Quit sending those stupid x’s and o’s and get out of the dark ages. Go find yourself another woman cuz I can speak for her right now she don’t want you, motherfucker. Fuck off and die.

As I said, I suspect this was written in anger. I am not the kind of person that will react to confrontation. In fact, I will avoid confrontation as much as possible. Particularly with people that I do not know. This guy, I don’t know anything about personally. Just that he and I have some kind of correspondence with the same woman.

It is actually primal and natural to be territorial. Men fight other men to keep other men away from their woman. They do things to make sure that nobody even dares to take a glance in the wrong way towards the woman that they are with. It would seem as if males are more territorial than females. But females also get territorial themselves. But I could be wrong. I honestly do not know who is more territorial, male or female? I have no clue.

But in this case where this man wrote me a message, is totally ridiculous.

So let me break this down and I hope that I can show you why I think this is funny.

First and foremost, my name isn’t “dude”.

Am I Romeo? No. Romeo is a fictional character in a play from Shakespeare. The character of Romeo also kills himself in the end. I am neither fictional or suicidal.

Am I God’s gift to women? Absolutely not! If I were “God’s gift to women”, I wouldn’t be sitting at home at this hour on a Friday night!! My Facebook friends list would be at maximum, my Twitter account would have thousands and thousands of followers, and my e-mail inbox would be FULL of messages to the point where it would no longer be accepting new messages because it reached its capacity. And my phone would be ringing off the hook.  None of these things are happening.

Sending x’s and o’s the last time I looked isn’t a crime. Rather it is something that I do. It is something that makes me who I am. I am an affectionate person and if I so choose to show affection by writing “xoxo”, then that’s what I do. Apparently this bothers him too much. Well, too bad.

Am I trying to get into someone’s pants? No. The woman who this man is referencing lives thousands of miles away from me. So the actual reality is that there’s no way that I could, even if I wanted to get inside of her pants. I may find this woman to be physically attractive but that doesn’t mean I am trying to engage in congress with her.

As far as I know, this woman could already have a social life of her own that includes sexual activity. Whether she does or not, is her business and not mine. And by the same token, it really isn’t any of this guy’s business either. But something inside of him that he saw me either say or do caused him to get so crazy out of his mind with rage and jealousy, that he thought it would be best if he marked his territory over this woman who lives thousands of miles away from her as well.

What they do and what they talk about is their business. What this woman & I do and talk about is MINE.

There are so many different theories as to why this man has done what he did. Personally, I don’t care. With his message though, he just showed his immaturity. I COULD HAVE forwarded the message to the woman in which this so-called conflict has taken place, but I don’t find the worth in doing so.

I firmly believe that this whole scenario is based on something that this man did not like and instead of seeking out the truth, he decided to make up his own mind about what was going on, and decided to speak while still processing his anger. And that is something that we as humans, should never do. Talk out of anger. It is something that takes practice though. It took me a very long time to realize my emotions that were becoming out of control and ultimately speaking out of anger. I since believe that I can edit my own self a little better and not do it so much.

In my last relationship, I yelled at my ex just once during the entire length of the time that we were together. But then I quickly realized that I had done so, I apologized to her immediately, and then tried to resolve the issue that we were arguing about from a different angle or method.

To speak out of anger, causes a lot of problems. For one, a person usually ends up saying something that they did not mean in the first place. They are hurt and all that they want to do is make the other person feel their hurt. So they say things that are not true just to hurt them. However in the end, all they have done is said things that they didn’t honestly mean or believe in, and caused themselves even more pain.

This guy however wants to be “King of the mountain”. So whatever.  And if he doesn’t like that I speak to women in certain ways well then he has the problem, and not mine. It will be something that he will just have to deal with or accept.