Hungover On Halloween

“Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn’t even the star of his own Halloween special. “~ Chris Rock

As Halloween 2012 comes to an end and I am sitting here in the dark and sharing text messages with a sexy Vulcan, I thought that I would pause from that and share the story that I was explaining to the rest of you.

It has been wonderful not having to deal with random strangers knocking on my door and begging for candy and treats. I’ve not had to deal with that for many years. Either I have lived on very private property where the practice of Trick-or-Treating was frowned upon or lived inside a gated community. It has worked to my advantage.

The point of this post is to tell the story of the last time that I did have someone knock on my door on Halloween.

They were not small children, they weren’t even teenagers. They were full grown adults dressed up in homemade costumes. And they were going door to door looking for beer.

The smell of the beer that they had already consumed was heavy. Some of them couldn’t even stand up on their own… they were that drunk!

I sent them away. And told them not to come back. BIG MISTAKE.

They did. But because they were so intoxicated, they made so much noise that I knew they were coming up the street. And so, I prepared for their return.

Let me set up the scene here. Halloween night in Kansas. Snow is already on the ground. It was around 12:30 AM. The air temperature was 25-30°F. And a thunderstorm was in the area. Actually it was approaching. But it was raining with a little bit of lightning and thunder.

I ran outside and waited in the dark, trying not to wake up the neighbors. The drunks had gone to the local grocery store which was on the other side of the fence from the property that I lived in, and bought a bunch of eggs to take their revenge.

Yep, they were there to throw eggs at my home. Two of them got a few off, but it did very little damage as the shattered eggs landed on bricks. Nothing that I personally had to worry about.

But what they did not realize was that as it began to rain softly in the brisk and cold night air, I was in the dark with a garden hose. And I hit them all with the water coming from the faucet that was on the side of the building through a garden hose that was laying across my patio area. It had been there already and so they didn’t realize it.

I soaked their drunk asses to the point of pure moistness.

They all ran off into the night, cursing me and threatening that they will come back to finish the job. But I was ready.

It was about 3:00 AM and half of the determined group had in fact, returned. I had put away the garden hose but had made some arrangements for company. The local police department.

Sure enough, the eggs began to hit my home, and I called the direct cell phone to the officer nearest me. Within a few minutes, the police officer came up on them in the dark and rain and night and got up right behind them before turning on his swirling lights and the siren.  Some of them were arrested for trespassing. Others were charged with damage to private property or intent to cause damage. The others who ran got away with it but I never heard from them ever again.

So yes, that was the very last time I had ANYONE knocking on my door on Halloween. I hope all of you who celebrated with Trick-or-Treating and attended parties were all safe tonight. And I also hope that you had a lot of fun.

Until the next time.