Facebook FUBAR

“Hell is more like boredom, or not having enough to do, and too much time to contemplate one’s deficiencies.” ~ Dorothy Gilman

There has got to be an unlimited supply of people who are absolutely bored in life, and on Facebook.

I have not even been back a full 3 days from my journey to Houston and I am ready to go back again, like… NOW!!!!

I would have never imagined the pure drama that awaited me when I got home, the very moment I signed back on to see what my friends, family, and loved ones were up to. Sure, there were some that I was missing because I had no way of communicating with them. And that really was the purpose of me signing back on to Facebook. Just so I can know how others were doing. But now, it has gone wild.

I was informed that “shit hit the fan” while I was away. And it had something to do with my situation of when I was scammed. Apparently, someone else was being scammed but they caught on and now they are fighting back with a fury! Good for them!! I was not directly involved but it was good information to know, on a general level.

Overall, I was happy to hear that people were getting what they deserved. And I was willing to call it a day. But it spreads, and it spreads, and it spreads… with absolutely no end in sight. And I just cannot seem to get away from it.

And it is just not this. It is other things as well.

Everything in life has a beginning and an end. I think that my situation with those who had hurt me either needs to resolve itself soon or just end. Life was not meant to deal with so much drama that it just builds and builds.

Life will be dramatic from time to time. That, I cannot deny. However, I think it all has to do with how we MANAGE the dramatic situations that gets placed before us. It can either control us, or we can control it. I know that with my situation that I’ll never see any money of what it owed to me. At least that’s the chance that is there. If I get it, GREAT!! But by now?? I seriously doubt it. I cannot allow this situation to control me.

Other people should learn how to control their personal drama. And that does not mean dumping it on someone else, which has happened to me before. I think that as far as it goes with Facebook that these people need to be handled in such a way that whenever they are so bored that they cannot find enjoyment in their own lives and want to just make others miserable with personal drama, that they really should be nipped quickly! 

Everyone has their ups and their downs. So whenever someone is down, they should be mature enough to handle it on their own. Or at least find someone to help them through it. But the key action would be to do whatever it takes to END IT.

How can we go on living peacefully and in happiness when all they ever do is bring trouble to others?? We are all not the same. We handle things quite differently. One from the next. But at least do something about it instead of just spreading it. How much peace can we have in our lives if we dive into a pool of back talk, finger-pointing, and all things that lead to negativity? I don’t see how we can.

If I had a vehicle, and I found that I had two flat tires and the gas tank is empty, wouldn’t it make sense to find a way to air the tires and fill the tank again? It would not do me any good to find my vehicle in such a state and then bother every neighbor that I have that my vehicle cannot be driven.

Houston: I am SO ready to return!!! Facebook (in general): Get a grip! Or maybe I need to deactivate it?? 

We all have our problems in our lives. And there’s no sense at all in comparing oranges to apples. Instead of comparing them, why can’t we just take the apples and oranges and make a fruit salad?

Getting Trapped With A Trapp

“We live by our imagination, our admirations, and our sentiments.”~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Outside of the fact that I had one really great night with SIX MINUTE CENTURY, I was also spending the weekend with romance author, Jessica Trapp, and her family.

I had met her in April of this year, when I went to Houston the first time to see SIX MINUTE CENTURY. As I said in my previous post, “Music & Books”. Jessica Trapp takes up the “book” end of the deal.

But we had met in a public place for a few hours at a shopping mall. Which was for safety for all who were involved. And believe it or not, I was glad it was like that for the first time.

This past weekend though… I would be spending my time with her and her family as she had invited me to stay with her for those days. We had such a great time back in April just hanging out, talking, getting to know one another personally, that she really felt that she wanted to cross paths again. This was her opportunity of sorts. As I was on the verge of not being able to go at all, after spending my very last dime and then come to find out I had no place to stay. Jessica was my savior!!! She offered her home for me to stay in during the time that I was going to be there.

As the days rolled on, and it was getting closer and closer and closer to showing up in Houston, I felt a bit nervous. And I could not figure out why. I had met her before- so why should I be nervous?? I think it was because of the fact that I had only met with her for a few hours. Now I was about to spend several days & nights in her home. Talk about getting the behind-the-scenes look on someone that you love and admire!! It is quite daunting.

What was I going to do or say? I hadn’t really had a chance to meet her family either. What was I going to say to them??

When I arrived and I was finally greeted by Jessica, things that I had been worried about just went out the window.

There was a lot of conversation. Plenty of personal and yet unique conversation. More and more with each turn, getting to know more about the area in which Jessica lived in, the way she grew up, her experiences. I found it all interesting. Although she probably thought that I was bored. That possible thought couldn’t be any farther from the truth. And I hope that she is not thinking that now that I have returned home.

Her family took me to Kemah Park to see Black Dog, a Led Zeppelin tribute band. It was really a lot of fun. The following day, I went shopping and ran through several different bookstores and had lunch before I was going to be picked up to go to the SIX MINUTE CENTURY show.

After all of that, I had wanted to go to the zoo. But the summer heat is just as bad in Houston as it is here. So instead I went along with the family to the John P. McGovern Museum of Health and Medical Science. Inside, there was a STAR WARS exhibit. And that was just totally awesome! All of those props that were used in all six movies. Plus costumes and wardrobe.

Lots of laughs were shared. I found Jessica’s husband to have quite the sense of humor as he would come up with one-liners from out of thin air it had seemed. Jessica’s son was able to hold conversations and you wouldn’t have believed he was as young as he was because he was able to keep the conversation in a higher level of intelligence than others his age.

Hanging out with Jessica was something that I had hoped I could do. And now that I have done it, I hope that I can do it again.

We had stayed in touch since our first meeting. She had always asked me for a hug. Apparently she believes that I give good hugs. So she wanted hugs from me. I hope that she was able to be satisfied with the scores of hugs and other affectionate gestures.

When the day came for me to return home. I found myself in a position where I had a lot of trouble facing the fact that I had to leave. With having a wonderful and fun night with SIX MINUTE CENTURY, and the remainder of the weekend with Jessica Trapp, it was so difficult for me to want to leave. In fact, I never had that feeling that I wanted to leave at all in the first place. I wanted to stay there.

There was nothing more important in the world than staying there. But I knew that I could not this time. But I know that there will be other times to go because I know that SIX MINUTE CENTURY will be playing again soon. Probably in November.

I had to remind Jessica that I was coming back then. Well, to be honest, she kept asking if that was my plan. But of course. I just simply had so much trouble because I couldn’t see any reason why I should not be in Houston. Maybe that’s something that I can work on or figure out.

The look on Jessica’s face when she departed from me that last time during my visit damn near killed me. I know now that she is only worried about me, and that she cares. But as I said, maybe something will come along and I will be able to get to  Houston a lot sooner and faster and I would be able to visit again. On both sides of the “Music & Books”.

But I hope that she reads this and finds out just how wonderful she is. And how grateful I am for everything that she and her family had done for me. Including her mother to sew up LK#1 for me!! Talk about “Saved In Time”.

Still though, I am honored and thankful. And I am so glad she’s around.

Jessica’s website is on the left. So go ahead and “Get Trapped In A Book!”. I’ve read them. Even as a guy, I enjoyed them. Hopefully you will too!!

 

26 August 2011: Getting Moist with Six Minute Century

“Through the flames, we abide. Weary, we march on!”~ “Paying Death’s Toll” by SIX MINUTE CENTURY

Incredible show. I was able to reach Houston again for the next show by SIX MINUTE CENTURY. They were celebrating the birthday of bassist, Michael Millsap, aka “Dr. Froth”. But I call him “Father Froth” because he’s been quite the positive encouragement in my personal life.

After about five or six weeks, in a complete state of panic of whether or not I was going to make it, I survived the bottom dropping out from being scammed and basically rescued by romance author, Jessica Trapp as she welcomed me to stay with her and her family.

It seems that in my own life, these two things go together. Music & Books. And that is just fine with me.

The show was fantastic. The first band was “Silenced Within”. I had seen them play the last time. The only difference was that the lead singer and I had met back in April and have started to become good friends while communicating on the Internet. I was totally excited to see both Silenced Within and SIX MINUTE CENTURY play the same night again.

By the end of the third or fourth song, I was going deaf. Sitting up against the stage. I could hear everything I ever wanted, and all that I would not. It’s only Rock & Roll but I like it.

I probably could not have asked for anything more. The lead singer, Sloan, had actually dedicated one of their songs to me. I believe it was “Set Me Free”. It was unexpected.  That was really awesome.

By the time SIX MINUTE CENTURY hit the stage, I was flying high and eager to just enjoy the rest of the night. The most exciting thing about it was that the band was going to film the ENTIRE show. They were planning a video for “Just Remains”. The song is on their upcoming album. They are almost finished in the recording studio, and I am just really anxious to hear it all.

It was a really great show. Lots of people came. I felt bad though because the night before, I only got about an hour and a half of sleep. I was far too excited to be taking this trip, and the night before the show, I only got about five hours of sleep. I am sure that those cameras caught a few yawns here and there… but hey, I was there!!!

After nearly going through hell to try and make it. I was there, I enjoyed myself. And yes, I went deaf (again).

And then after all of that, I BEGGED the band for a group photo. I wanted to be in a picture with the band, and then another with the band and their wives. It took forever to get them all in one spot, but I did it. Then I had some wild photos taken with me and the drummer’s wife. Shall we say, rather erotic photos?? I was warned that she was like this: boy-crazy and likes to flirt with the guys. Her husband even had to tell me that “it was okay”, and that “he wasn’t going to get all mad.” Well, I suspect that he would not get mad when his wife is on my lap kissing me and he’s got my camera!!

The band even took a silver sharpie and signed my t-shirt. It will never be washed or worn again. “Whatever is left is just remains”…. pit stains and all. The t-shirt is now priceless and cannot be worn.

And then we have the bad part of the night. I went into the restroom, and the BFE Club is not wheelchair accessible at all. At least not their restrooms. Eventually, I squirmed my way into the bathroom stall, without having pissed on myself. But the wheelchair on the outside of the stall blocked one urinal.

I was horrified and pissed off beyond all belief when I saw that someone had urinated on my wheelchair to the point that there was a puddle of it on my seat cushion. I was sooooo fucking mad! What dumb motherfucker does that?!? How drunk do you have to be?

There’s not much I can do about the wheelchair. But there was no sense in doing that!!

I cleaned it up as much as I could and got back out into the club before I had missed anything else.

But with that aside, the night was so much fun!! I was then taken out to Steak & Shake. I’m not quite sure if they have one in here in my area. I haven’t really looked. But it was nice. It kept me out later and later and later though. I was concerned that because of the hearing loss that I would be making a lot more noise than my brain was telling me and I would wake up Jessica and her family. They claimed the following morning that nothing really disturbed them. Her husband said that he thought he heard a few bumps in the night and just blew it off thinking that I had come into the house.

I am so fortunate. I guess I was waiting to be executed. By the time I laid in bed that night it was already 4:00 AM. So yeah, I was a bit nervous and concerned.

So now the next big show will be in November as Michael gets married to Lori. They will celebrate with the rest of the world by having a show. I cannot wait for that one!!

But it’s always a great thing to be able to go and do something that you enjoy so much. I don’t think that I should have the problems that I had this time around. But at least I was there. And I have a few weeks to prepare for it, starting with today.

I am very proud to say: I AM A CENTURION!

 

A Quick Post

“Leaving on a jet plane”~ John Denver.

Okay, I didn’t leave on a jet plane, I took the bus. It makes better sense to have taken the bus. Plus I didn’t even travel over 200 miles. I’m not going to pay over $300 just to go up into the hour for about 50 minutes only to come back down again.

But I have been away so that I could attend a show by SIX MINUTE CENTURY. Also to have a visit with romance author, Jessica Trapp. Whom I adore both professionally and personally.

And that is why I have been absent from posting anything as of lately. But I wanted to write this post for My subscribers and readers and let you all know that I am okay.

NO, I did not fall off the planet. I did not end up in the hospital, and I did not die. I have received scores of e-mails asking these questions. Good grief, people!! Control your cognitive distortions!!!!!

But I had a wonderful time while I was away. But tonight I am totally spent. But future blog posts will be written as I am able to get well rested again.

Oh!! I noticed that I had 59 views yesterday alone. Thank you to whomever decided to pillage through my posts. That is the most views in a day that I have had since the 2nd day this blog has been in existence!! Which that total number was 43. Those people who viewed my posts yesterday deserve a cookie. And as always, special thanks to the disciples of Dambreaker… Thank you for always having my back!!

 

 

Going Beyond Skin Deep

Beauty is a characteristic of a person that provides a perceptual experience of pleasure, meaning, or satisfaction.

And I might as well add that beauty is also defined through the eyes of the beholder. What one person can define as beautiful may not be what another person would define it.

Is beauty only skin deep? Well, physical beauty is. We grow old, get wrinkles, our hair and teeth fall out. But so what? This doesn’t mean that once these things begin to happen to us that we cease to be beautiful! That only means that we are going through the entire cycle of life.

But there are other things that make people beautiful. And it is frustrating for me personally, that so many fail to see that. There is such thing as “inner beauty”. But it does not seem to make a bit of difference in this society today. It seems as if the infatuation with beauty is only that physical beauty. And unfortunately, others are influenced by that entire way of thinking. Just because a woman is not a 36-24-36, causes so many women to fall into the traps of insecurity and the feelings of being ugly and never beautiful.

The same for men. Just because we don’t have abs of steel and fully loaded arms of biceps that could choke a horse, doesn’t necessarily mean that men are not beautiful either.

So it becomes extremely frustrating when I tell a woman who I think is beautiful and everything just falls apart for them. Why? Because for whatever reason she has felt that she is not meeting the standards of beauty. What they are not hearing from me is that I am telling them that there is a specific characteristic about them that I find genuinely attractive. So I am drawn to it, and therefore “I” believe that woman is beautiful.

I got laughed at and ridiculed a while ago because I was amongst other guys and they were talking about the last person they had kissed. When I had disclosed the person with whom I last shared any kind of kiss with, I was totally mocked because these men were not thinking of her as beautiful. Simply because she did not meet their arrogant standards of physical beauty. But I didn’t care.

Let’s just set aside for the moment that I am just the kind of person who is affectionate, but I found something within this woman attractive. And it had nothing to do with her bra or waist size or how she potentially would look in a bikini. And they could not understand that.

If I say to you, “You are a beautiful person”… then you best believe that I totally mean it and have all beliefs and faith in my words that they are true, to me. And I am not setting out to gain something by flattery or just trying to make your mood better. What I have said, I have meant.

It has gone on far long enough that OTHERS are the ones who define what beautiful is, and my own opinion means nothing. My opinion does mean something, and it should to you if I am comfortable enough talking to you and expressing it. Naturally as a human being you have the right to disagree. But do you disagree because OTHERS have said that you are NOT beautiful and are instead ugly? Or is it some other kind of insecurity that plagues you to the point that it forces you to just roll your eyes at me?

I honestly do not care if others disagree. But I will stand behind those who would dare to agree. We should learn to love ourselves and not be so wildly influenced by the mottos of other persons.

Whether it is on the outside or on the inside, that characteristic remains within. And that is what draws me to my beliefs. Many people have called me “sweet, nice, thoughtful” and other things. My response is always the same: Love me or leave me.

If you are being told by someone else that you are not beautiful, because you don’t have the long flowing hair, fake boobs and everything else or because you do not have those six-pack abs… then LOVE yourself and LEAVE them. Focus less on their negativity.

I could go on forever explaining how you are so wonderfully beautiful deep down inside, and I don’t care if you do not look like “the others like in Hollywood”. Because I will never allow Hollywood to shape and mold my own definitions and opinions on what I find pleasurable.

So be proud of yourself. Love yourself because even if Hollywood nor the rest of the world just never thinks you can cut it to be beautiful, there’s always going to be that one person whom you never see, that will disagree with them all.

 

 

Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful

Not since the great humiliation of my teenaged years did I ever think that history was going to repeat itself. At least not in the sense that I would receive a second helping of self-humiliation in my life.

But since I know that you will get a good laugh out of this by reading about it, I decided to share my story of woe and misery.

I was enjoying the day away from home for once in my life, when I was approached by someone asking me if I wanted to go visit and see some particular model who was in town for the day. She was taking pictures and signing autographs, etc.

I did not know who this particular model was personally. I had never even heard of her. But when I was shown just a few photos of this woman, that’s all that it took for me to say “Count me in!”.

Off I went (in a vehicle full of strangers) to this strip mall where indeed, this beautiful model was posing for pictures, signing autographs and everything else that was promised.

I couldn’t believe my luck. Basically I was in the same area as this woman. And yet I was unprepared. No camera, no pen or paper for autographs, nothing. I started to back off and shy away. I admired from a distance. A very LONG distance. Until one of them asked me why I hadn’t gone up to this model to talk to her. After all, I may not have had a camera or had the tools to get an autograph but I was reminded that I could at least go and talk to her.

You know, sometimes people just have a point. And their point is so solid that you cannot argue with them because you know they are right. I suppose that they found it ridiculous that I was just sitting there with my eyes popping out of my head- and I was doing nothing about it.

I am that shy though, honestly. I guess I just don’t know what to do in these kinds of situations. But allow me to continue on, so that you can get your laugh.

After being defeated like that, and seeing that it really “couldn’t hurt” to go and talk to this woman, I approached cautiously. As I was getting closer, she spotted me and I FROZE. A little smile and a wink and then she was diverted by another person wanting pictures.

Well, well, well….. aren’t I Mr. Special all of a sudden.

So I got in line to talk to her. The people that came with me actually forced me in front of them. For reasons I didn’t know at the time. But the line wasn’t that long at all. Maybe four or five people ahead of me. Still this woman, this glorious model, actually had a sense of humanity about her as she allowed each person all the time in the world that they wanted individually. So it took a while for the line to move.

Then it was my turn next. I looked behind me to make sure those guys were still there, and they were. They kept smiling at me, asking me what I was going to talk with her about. Others wanted to know if I wanted my picture taken with her because they would use their camera. I honestly didn’t know.

I wasn’t paying close attention when I got shoved really hard in my back and heard someone clearing their voice. It was my turn and I was holding up the line by not moving.

So the first thing out of her mouth was, “Hello. Picture?”… well ummmm okay, sure!

I gazed upon the guys behind me and they grabbed their cameras trying to get both her and I in their view finder.

My luck would increase.

This woman was all over me. She sat on my lap for one picture. Then she shoved her boobs in my face for another. Then she wrapped her arms tightly around my neck. Then she got cheek to cheek with me. I could feel and smell her breath. (Later I would find on someone’s camera that she posed as if she was licking my face.)

For about sixty seconds, I was finding myself in the middle of a photo shoot with this model because I remember A LOT of camera flashes going off at the same time continuously.

When the cameras were done, I blinked to get the spots out of my eyes so I could look at her and talk to her. I still felt like a big shot though.

Eventually I gazed over at her, and the humiliation doth begun.

She began to speak, but I couldn’t really understand her. I asked her to repeat herself, and she did. But I still couldn’t understand her. She wasn’t speaking in English.

I tried speaking to her in Spanish. She just looked blank at me.

I tried speaking to her in French. She just looked blank at me.

I even tried speaking to her in German. She finally just stuck her tongue out at me.

Whatever language she was speaking, I did not have the ability to converse with her in. And why didn’t I catch on to any of that when she had said to me only “Hello. Picture?”.. what gives there??

So there I was, unable to communicate because of an apparent language barrier. She signaled to someone and whispered. And then that person made the announcement that the model had to “powder her nose” and would be right back. It was suggested that nobody moved out of their place in line because she was not going to leave without seeing everyone who came to see her.

The guys that brought me there were just laughing and laughing because they could tell that I was really thinking this girl was something else.

Then the model was walking back and I saw an action that horrified me. She grabbed her crotch. Yep, apparently this model had a bit more “plumbing” in her nether regions than would be necessary for her to be deemed female.

My eyes quit bugging out of my head, and I couldn’t find a place quick enough or deep enough with sand to bury my own head in. Some European model was in town, but nobody had told me that this was a man in the process of being a woman. Working their way through the modeling industry to pay for all of the operations.

I left. I waited by the vehicle. I accused them all for their deception but they all were saying that they were as shocked as I was to find this model walking down the sidewalk, grabbing herself like she’s about to throw out the first pitch at a Giants game.

Those boobs that were in my face, weren’t boobs at all… but LIES!! I was just thankful that I did not come home with lipstick prints all over my face or smelling like some kind of cheap women’s perfume. The only thing that I was able to save myself from further humiliation was that these guys wanted to add me to their Facebook, and I said “no”. Even if this wouldn’t have been so embarrassing, I didn’t know these guys from Adam. So they had no chance of it happening in the first place.

This definitely takes the cake on embarrassment.

Deeper Impact

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion”~ Dalai Lama

Tonight, I was totally impacted by a conversation that I had with an old school mate of mine.

She spoke of my kindness and honesty that she has seen recently, as well as from what she remembers back in high school.

And then she told me something that I never knew. Something that was so profound and significant, that flattery could never be the word for it.

She told me of one day while in high school she felt depressed and alone. She had recalled that she had seen me talking to someone in the hallway of the school and when I saw her, I said something to her that made her laugh. Suddenly, she did not feel depressed any more.

Because this happened many, many years ago, I have no recollection of the conversation. Neither does she. But she said that she thought of that moment for many years and how important it had made her feel that I would make her laugh. The memory is faded, but the feelings that were brought on by it are still felt by her today.

I had no idea until today, that she had been so deeply depressed that she was contemplating suicide. But because I had made her feel important, she did not go through with it. My decision to make her laugh caused a big enough impact on her life that she chose to live, rather than end her life.

When I heard this, I did not know what to say. I did not know how to feel. Is it possible that I could say that “I saved a life”? Would it be selfish and egotistical for me to say that? And why would she even feel that depressed at that moment in her life that she would want to end it? When I had heard about this, “I” was impacted.

The deep and meaningful impact and impressions that we have upon other people actually do happen on a daily basis. It is just that we are not told a lot of the times about these things and so we go on living our lives, not thinking that we are that impressioned person to which caused another person joy or happiness.

Just a few days ago, I was speaking to a new friend of mine, whom we had met through a mutual best friend. She and I both agreed that the person we had in common with, has greatly impacted both of our lives in such wonderous ways that we both in our own minds and in our own lives, are filled with love, appreciation, and gratitude for them.

I asked them, “Have you told her this? Have you told her how much she means to you?”. They had not, but they thought that it was an intelligent idea to do so. So I understand that they are seeking their feelings to find just the right words to say.

It is my firm and personal belief that we has human beings have personal influences in which we know that others are making such a difference in our lives. Those who are always there for us when we are down, and those who help us see the light at the end of the tunnel when we are jammed in the fog.

And therefore, we should be able to share with those who make us happy. We should tell them how wonderful we believe they are in our lives. To show our love and appreciation for all that they have done. Even if it is just a simple comment of “thank you”. I believe that if we do this, the relationship bonds will grow stronger amongst us. And we should not fear that. Why would we even think to fear our friends? We should let them know just how we feel. We should be secure in telling them because they ARE our friends and loved ones, that they would never shun us for our feelings.

How are we to know how others feel about us or how are they to know how we feel about them, if we do not say something?

I do not know what would have happened if that class mate of mine would have said something back then. All I know is that I am glad she said something now. Back then, I was unable to establish a friendship with her. But maybe now I will have my chance.

And I know that for me, I will be sharing more of my feelings with those whom I love and care for, because they deserve to know. How else would anyone survive on this Earth if they are never told what they mean to someone?

I would have to say that I have not changed much in that aspect today as I was in high school. Perhaps maybe I have become more in tune with it. But I am so glad that my class mate is with us today, and she did not kill herself back then.

So remember to keep those in mind who impact your lives. Share with them how you feel when they are there for you. Tell them “thank you”. And do what you can to keep your bonds of your relationships that much stronger.

Normalcy Doesn’t Exist

At the end of what was to be my first romantic relationship, I was needing to return to the scene of the crime after the fires had settled and the smoke had cleared.

I had to go back to the house of my former lover’s sister and retrieve the rest of my belongings and get them out of her house and into what would be my first ever apartment.

It was a creepy feeling being back there after so long, but it had to be done. I wasn’t sure if the war was going to flare up again and her sister taking up her side of things and leaving me alone to defend myself in the battle zone.

I was fortunate that her sister was a bit more mature over matters than my ex. Or so I thought.

Still though, it was quite a nervous time. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know what to do. Was I to just go there, get my junk, and get out? Or was I to socialize and say “hello” and maybe stay for a beer?

I spoke to her sister in soft, shortened words. I didn’t have time to mix any of them. As I collected what belonged to me that had not been hoarded and ransacked through already.

Then I simply asked her sister, “How is she doing?”.  That was it. I didn’t want to know anything other than that. The last that I had known was that she was in the hospital, trying to work on resolving some issues she had. Which at the time, I thought was excellent for her. She would see the error of her ways and she would realize that the life she had was not so horrible and she would return back to me and it would be happily ever after. What a frickin’ joke of a thought that was!!

The rage and fury that would settle over me from her response would never be matched again by anything else that I had encountered or experienced.

She had told me, “She’s fine. She is out of the hospital now. And living with a guy, somewhere.” I nodded, believing in that. I really did not think that my ex was going to “take the time” to get over the relationship that just ended horribly and on seriously bad terms. I had expected that she was only going to bounce from one man to the next. And I was being proven right. But that’s not what got to me.

Her sister then added, “Her new boyfriend is really nice. Probably the nicest guys she’s dated in a long time. And he’s … you know… normal.”

Perhaps a back story would help here:

When I got together with my first girlfriend, she too, had Spina Bifida. She was confined to a wheelchair from the severity of her disability. At that point in my life, I did not believe that I would EVER be in any romantic relationship with just any woman. I had settled for this one, because I felt that because she dealt with a lot of the same things in life and I would not have to worry about the fear of being with someone who didn’t understand that would judge me for everything that I had to deal with, or have to sit down on a daily basis and explain everything. So she was the one that I chose for those reasons. I settled, very much so and I realize that now. Besides it was my first rodeo. There was a lot to learn.

NOW… she’s with someone “normal”.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over??

Okay, nevermind that she just said that this new guy was the nicest ever, totally insulting me to my face and insinuating that I was not nice or not nice enough… but “normal”????

I wondered in my mind if she had heard herself! Yes, I understand that my ex had moved on. I expected that. I also had expected tons more maturity from her sister. I believe that it would have been better received had she said “He is not physically disabled.” Hell, I probably would have even accepted “He’s not in a wheelchair.”

Normal???

I attempted to find a solid definition of the word. The best that I came up with was that normal is defined as “something that does not stray from what is consistant or the usual.”

That is not a  solid definition at all.

What is “normal” for some, is not normal for others. Just because this new boyfriend of hers could walk, does not make him any more or any less “normal” than me. It only means that he has more capability to walking than I do. Normal does NOT exist!

“Normal” is one of those terms that can only be defined by each individual person. But, each definition is NOT going to be the same time and time again. “Normal” is within the eye of the beholder. And therefore, normal doesn’t exist because there is not one solid definition that is accepted by everyone.

Is it normal that a man will get up at 6:00 in the morning every day, get into the shower at 6:15, and then eat breakfast at 6:30 right before he goes for a 3 mile jog? No! Because not EVERYONE does the same thing. It is only normal for that person because that is what he does every day and it is something that is consistent with only him.

Is it normal that I wake up at 8:45 every morning, get into the shower at 10:15 and then watch Internet pornography for 15 hours straight? Of course not! Because not everyone in the world does that. (And neither do I, so don’t even! I’m just trying to prove a point.)

So the word “normal” is something that is entirely incomplete. The definition is really just spread so thin because it means so many different things. Yes, generally it means something that stays consistent, but consistency bends from one person to the next.

How her sister could’ve said such a thing was something that I could not fathom. I bit my own tongue to keep me from ripping hers out.

I do not remember saying much more to her at all, other than “thank you” when I left. I never went back there again. It could have been that she didn’t know what to say to me either at that point and that was the only way she could describe what was going on. But she could have done better. A lot better. There was a million and one other things that she could have said to explain to me that this man could walk and had no physical disability that was similar to me. “Think before you speak” should’ve been something that went through her mind before she opened her mouth.

Diamonds Are Not A Girl’s Best Friend

It appears as if the days of the stereotype sung by Carol Channing in the Broadway production of “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”, might be over with.

With the advent of several birthdays, anniversaries, and the soon approaching Christmas holiday, I find myself in a rather odd position. The stereotype in what women want as gifts doesn’t seem to be the case anymore at all. The things in which we (as men) grew up to learn about what women wanted has been thrown out the window entirely.

It used to be a safe bet for a man to buy a woman either chocolate, flowers, or jewelry, or all of them. But I am finding out that within the group of female colleagues and friends that its not really what they want any more.

Sure, I don’t see a woman turning down these things. I don’t see how a woman would want to turn away from FREE chocolate. But it really isn’t what they WANT from anyone. It appears that the female population (at least within my circles) want things that are less tangible and more meaningful. They seem to want to hang on to the bond of friendship more often than not. That they want that to grow and develop, rather than a bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolates.

I will say that some of my female friends are already married. So perhaps if it is chocolate and flowers and jewelry that they want, they could probably seek it from their husbands. But, not all of my female friends are married or in a relationship. And they still would rather pass on the objects and maintain the emotional bonds.

I have a friend’s birthday that is coming up and I have absolutely no clue at all what she would like or would want. Perhaps the first step would be to ask. Yet with previous conversations I have had, she’s not exactly the “material girl” either.

That is not to say that ALL women have abandoned the stereotype and aim for less tangible things in which they desire. There are still those who want these things. I am just saying that through my social life, those women that I speak to regularly are NOT those kinds of women.

I personally have no problem giving my female friends chocolates or roses. I am not opposed to ordering a small and simple vase of flowers for their special day. Whether they are married or not. My intentions are always true… “This is for your special day. Be happy!”.

I recall one time that I sent a half dozen roses that were white, to a female friend of mine who was married. It was for her wedding anniversary. She was thrilled. But when she got home, the gift in which her own husband had purchased for her, she found less endearing than the white roses. Oops!!

They do laugh about it now.

Clearly, it was not the objective to outshine her own spouse. That’s just what happened. I’m also not opposed to “downgrading” a gift, just in case that may happen again.

One thing that I always run into over and over and over again is “Don’t spend your money!”. Well, I am creative. I can create greeting cards, write poetry, give simple gifts in lieu of roses, chocolate, and jewelry and it would be tons cheaper if not at any cost at all. But what exactly is it that women want any more??

Perhaps it all depends on who the woman is. And that would make sense to me. If I was friends with a woman, and I knew she loved Chinese food. I’d probably buy her a gift certificate for the nearest Chinese restaurant. I think that it’s really, all a matter of paying attention.

If she’s been raving about a particular film that is about to come out, then I’d get her free movie passes.

Each woman is individually unique. That goes for anyone in this world. And I love all of my friends, male or female, in my own unique way.

It is just- what in the world do women want??

 

Worry Warrants Willful Woes

“Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.” ~Swedish Proverb

In the last week or so, I haven’t been my normal self. At least I haven’t been feeling that way. I have had others come up to me asking me what is wrong and oddly enough I look at them like they have bullfrogs coming out of their ears for asking such a question. Nice visual, eh??

But I’ve come to remember that it is through the eyes of others that can see in us, what we cannot see. And we actually give off signs that things aren’t going so well, even when we think that we are so good at hiding it. The truth is that we never really are that good. Some of them may be fooled, but not everyone.

So I returned to the scene of the crime, as it were, to find out what it was that caused them to ask me if I was okay. Sure enough, subtle clues about my speech and expression were the dead giveaways.

Over the last few evenings, I have not been sleeping well. If at all. Two nights worth that I can recall be awake throughout most of the hours. And I couldn’t see the forest through the trees.

At long last it had struck me. I have been filled with worry. It was consuming me, or at least my thoughts and ultimately dictating my actions. Worried about several things and many of those I have just realized are out of my control.

Worry is the thought or visual stimulation of a specific event that would have some kind of negative element to it, and so our mentality goes to battle on how in the world we can go up against it and change it so that there is no negativity.

I could worry about being kicked out of my apartment. Could happen, true. But if I visualize the fact that if I pay my rent on time and obey the rules, then the possibility of being kicked out drops to zero. So paying my rent and obeying the rules would be the prompt action that I should take. Perhaps a very meager example, but one that still makes sense.

Plenty of times though, there are certain circumstances that we worry about, and it comes up to be nothing to have been concerned or scared about in the first place. These are the cognitive distortions. We commonly take a situation in life and usually end up making a mountain out of a mole hill. Some people just are incapable of controlling their thoughts and their lives get so far out of line that it still is hard to watch them crash and burn, even though we can see it coming.

Personally speaking though, I believe that my worries are of something that are out of my control. I am not a mind reader or a fortune-teller. And I probably wouldn’t like to be one either. But it is the simple lesson of letting go.

The lesson is simple. The application of it, is not.

Everyone in the world, including myself, goes through changes in life. We really cannot truthfully say that we are in the same exact spot in life as we were five years ago, ten years ago… life moves on at its own pace, and we sometimes struggle to keep up.

I have recently become worried about certain significant changes in my own life. I began to worry whether or not I am going to be able to keep up with it. Whether or not the adaptation in life to it all will all become wonderful and good in the end. Future events, that I cannot see, become the problem. All that I have planned for the near future is almost certain to become something happy, but the thoughts of mindless minutiae have wormed their way into my brain and have set up camp. I think they’ve even started a campfire and are beginning to cook S’mores. I know that I will have lost my mental health in its entirety if I start hearing the faint sounds of campfire songs being relentlessly played over and over.

There’s nothing that I can do. Mainly because nothing has happened yet. And I am not guaranteed that they will happen. So how can I render damage control to damage that hasn’t happened yet? And who says that it will??

I finally snapped this evening, broke down and had to just take a deep breath and tell myself, “Let It Go!”. If I willfully allow all the worry to continue to spin, then life will definitely grow into some kind of monster that I will not have the capacity and/or strength to overcome.

So I am doing the best that I can to relax this evening. Whatever happens is going to happen. And I’ll cross that bridge, once I get to it. If that bridge even exists.