Archive for June, 2013

motivational-speaker-john-dilemme

“Only the prepared speaker deserves to be confident.”~ Dale Carnegie

As much talking as I do with a certain number of people almost day in and day out, and the amounts of time that I consider “putting on the tie” for when people have been on the edge of their cliff, it came to me that I could actually come up with an idea and it would be fruitful.

I am just sitting here thinking that with as many times as I have talked with people all across this great big world, and have done whatever was within my power to make these people not “jump off the bridge” and realize that things are going to get better.

And wouldn’t you know it, I was totally right all along???

Good grief.

I have had a few experiences speaking to crowds. I haven’t reached that point where I have spoken in front of thousands yet, but I’m getting there.

Mainly my speeches have been about Spina Bifida and my life with it and how I go from day to day. And there are those countless blog posts in which I have used my experiences to tell the story and to let people know not to either get trapped with their lives as I had been trapped or to know better.

My new idea?

Become a public speaker, perhaps a motivational speaker. And hell, while I’m at it- get paid for it!!

What do you think?????

Comment below.

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“Taylor Swift seems to be the type of chick that would poke a hole in a condom.” ~ Unknown

So I’m sitting here this evening catching up with one of my best friends over the telephone. And she knew that my demeanor over the past week has been sour.

She tells me that she is house sitting over at her parents house. And we talk for a while. Not as long as we would normally, but long enough.

So she proceeds to tell me this story that she had receive a “shit ton” of condoms and other prophylactics that is stored in a bathroom drawer that she used when she was living at home.

But the thing is that she also had stored in the home of her parents, a vibrator and a bunch of the morning after pills.

As she came back home to house sit, she saw that the condoms were gone. Disappeared!! It had been evident to her that her mother came into that bathroom and just cleaned out everything.

So I don’t even wanna know WHY she has a “shit ton” of condoms and a vibrator and the morning after pills stashed at her parents house. And I don’t wanna know where she got them all from. But I will say that she’s quite horny.

Meanwhile I am on the other side of the telephone conversation dying with laughter and on the brink of pissing in my pants.

The vibrator and the pills were removed, but the condoms were left behind believing that she would smuggle those out of the house at a later time. But they were gone.

And I am sitting there laughing until I cannot breathe because that had to be so frightening to know that your parents took away your safe sex items from you.

Depression-During-Pregnancy

Thankfully the condoms were not removed. Otherwise this could have happened.

My own climax from the laughter came when she admitted that she found the condoms neatly stacked  and organized in another part of the bathroom. They were not confiscated, just relocated.

So we sat there trying to imagine what it would have been like for her mother to find the pills and the vibrator. Its just too damned funny.

What kind of reaction would ANY parent have to find such things in their home that was set aside by their children? Especially condoms?????

What would YOUR reaction be if this was happening with YOUR CHILDREN???? I am sure that we all would have different reactions.

The tale of the missing condoms was just too great for me to deny. Yeah, I was in a shitty mood earlier. But now I’m sweating profusely and trying to gasp for air for laughing so hard.

And I’ve probably yet again alerted the neighbors that I found something to be hilarious.

I truly and honestly have one helluva group of friends. And I love them all to death and they know it.

But the missing condoms story was too funny.

 

JodiAmbrose1

YOU WILL BECOME HUNGRY!! EAT! EAT! EAT!!

“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.”~ George Bernard Shaw

Anyone with working memory knows that in the last thirteen months, I’ve become such an admirer of blogger Jodi Ambrose. Mainly because of what she’s got to say about relationships and men and women and most importantly of all, sex.

WOO!! BROWN-CHICKEN-BROWN-COW!!!!

But seriously I am starting to become convinced that  she’s been out to kill me and my stomach. Its not enough that her books work on the brain and the heart, she wants the stomach now too????

Not only has she written books on sex and relationships between men and women and what they need to know about one another, but she along with her husband collaborated on a recipe book. Of which I have a copy of. Nicely autographed with a tip to get to a woman’s heart via her stomach.

All niceness aside though, Jodi has been out to destroy me one blog post at a time.

UGH!! STOP THE MADNESS!!!

What is she doing? I’ll tell you.

Food posts. Yummy, gooey, delicious food posts. Food that will totally knock your socks off. Taste so good it makes you wanna slap your mother.

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HUNGRY YET?????

And whether it comes from her own collection or something she’s found written by somebody else, she shares it with her blog and kills me every stinkin’ time.

The timing of these blog posts being posted is impeccably unbearable. Because its early evening when Americans are USUALLY sitting down to eat in the first place!!! I still wonder if this is a conspiracy to persuade her readers to cook whatever she’s offering.

And no matter what it is, whether it is Key Lime pie or Steak or just a basket of fricking bran muffins, I’m ALWAYS near that point of thinking that I might be hungry. But when I read those posts……… Game Over.

Damnit!

Okay then, so all kidding aside, Jodi should know by now how much I love her and her insight and her sass mouth. I get a twitch and a shiver every time I hear her swear, and hearing her say “fuck” (it happened only once)….. ohh forget it!!

But she has been one helpful little elf in a lot of things in the past thirteen months. I try as hard to tell her whenever that happens. Sometimes I mess that up though. I AM male after all.

But being an Ambrose Nut is not so bad after all. Jodi is beauty and brains. People who are suffering in relationships and marriages would be wise to listen to her. She’ll slap the back of your head with a sensibility that will make you think “Ohh yeah, right. Duh!!” over and over again. 10j_n

Now to figure out where to ship her tiara and complete the initiation process.

Her blog is in the list of links in the Blog Roll. Have fun!!!!!

Now if she would only leave my stomach alone.

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“Do not brood over your past mistakes and failures as this will only fill your mind with grief, regret and depression. Do not repeat them in the future.”~ Sivananda

June 27th is PTSD Day. Its not a celebration, but a day of awareness of what truly is said that there are scars with the illness that are unseen.

It is not only combat fatigue that is PTSD but victims of serious crimes such as sexual assault can suffer from PTSD as well. Both men AND women equally can suffer PTSD.

I never really gave it much thought in the past. I wondered if my younger brother had it because of his experiences with being in the military and his time at war.

But then things changed for me in the past few years, particularly just days before my birthday in 2011. And I have not looked back or been the same ever since.

As I said, victims of serious crimes and that I have been in the past. To the point where things were deadly. Now, I wonder what happened to life when I am having a very bad day.

Most recently its been an issue when my eight year old nephew was standing behind me and I did not know that fact, when he moved closer and bumped my wheelchair, my knee-jerk reaction was to throw an elbow backwards at his face. But I didn’t follow through with it as I realized where I was and that I was safe. The unfortunate part was that my sister, his mother, saw it and bitched me out. cutcaster-photo-100018308-Depressed-redhead

But that is part of what can happen with PTSD or at least with people who have dealt with the similar experiences that I have gone through in the past few years.

It has not been the easiest for me, but its not been the absolute worst in the world either. I know that there are other good people who are dealing with far more deeper issues than what I have.

It hasn’t been easy for me to deal with and it hasn’t been easy for me to explain either. But it was the beginning reason as to why I started with this blog. But in the almost two and a half years since then, its changed a little bit. To the point that I nearly have 90,000 total view stats.

AWESOME!!

My life isn’t peachy. My life isn’t perfect either. But then again, my life isn’t a miserable piece of shit either. Just my attitude sometimes. Sometimes days are good, days are great, and sometimes days just plain suck. But I am doing what I need to be doing in order to make it through each and every day that isn’t up to par.

I am thankful for the mental faculties that I’ve had to know to do something about the bad experiences in my life and try to make things better. Whereas there are plenty of people out there who just simply believe that they are stuck with the hand that they have been dealt in their own lives, and do not believe that they can do anything about it.

And so of course I am not going to get into specifics of what’s what. I feel that if you are lucky enough to know me depressed-womanpersonally then you probably already know. And if you are one of those people that already know, then that is why you are subscribed to this blog. Others have come since then, and I am thankful that the dozens of men and women have made that choice to pay attention to what this blog has to say. Whether happy or sad. Goofy or outrageous. Pathetic or nasty. No matter what you have been here. Thank you.

We’ll get through this together. One blog post at a time.

 

taeda1

“Hey, I fool the camera. I’m a liar, a magician.”~Janice Dickinson

Before I get started and it turns to June 26th, I want to say HAPPY 25TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY TO MY FATHER AND STEPMOTHER, AS THEY WERE MARRIED ON JUNE 25, 1988.

I’ve been watching my  niece an awful lot already and its barely the official start of summer. I’ve got so much going on in August that I am trying to save enough money to do everything that I want to do.  The problem is that I do not think that I will have enough money to do all that I want. I am going to be short. And it sucks.

When I am watching that three year old child niece o’mine, comes the opportunity to listen to her favorite cartoons.

One of them deals with talking bunnies attempting to put on a magic show in the front yard. The children are always asking for a volunteer from the audience in order to do their magic tricks.

I’ll SPARE you the rest of the details that has nothing to do with this blog post.

As this crap is irrevocably burned into my brain, it just causes me to reflect on some rather unusual magician experiences that I’ve had as a child.

As a child, I HATED magicians. I HATED-HATED-HATED them!!! They could just all die and go away for all I cared to think about.  As an adult, I just avoid them. I do not waste my money.0

I especially hated the illusion of sawing a woman in half. It always bugged me. And luckily I had only seen it in person ONCE. The rest were on television.

But the time that I had to witness it with my very eyes, was back in the real early 1990’s where I was front & center row. The magician kept talking about his beautifully gorgeous assistant, and then he sawed her in half.

I never understood this illusion as a child. If you have a perfectly good woman who is beautifully gorgeous, wouldn’t you want to kiss her rather than cut her into pieces?

Ohh, how innocent my mind was growing up as a child. But back to the 1990’s.

The magician had a huge saw and started cutting into the box in which his assistant rested. But when he got to a certain point, the beautifully gorgeous assistant let out a blood curdling scream that stuck with me. He stopped then kept sawing until he had her into two pieces.

The screaming was all part of the act, I would learn later on. halfed

But after that illusion he asked for a volunteer from the audience. Stupid bunnies!!

This man who was also in the front row raised his hand and the magician called upon him. But before the man reached the stage area to join the magician, there was someone else in the audience cursing and screaming and yelling and everything else. He was totally causing a scene.

What the screaming man had done was effectively ended this magician’s career. Here’s the story and I’ll go back even further to more childhood terrors.

This man who was screaming had purchased tickets to this place and they box office messed up and gave him tickets to the WRONG show and he missed his favorite singer when they came to town. He was infuriated and gave threats to sue the box office.

In an effort to make things up to him, they offered him free tickets to any other even that was happening that year.

Well, he already purchased tickets to this magician’s show and he enjoyed himself the first time that he got those free tickets for another magic show the following night. The night that I was there.

What he had found out was that the guy that he picked as a  volunteer was the same exact guy that had been picked from the last show. The guy in the audience was part of it all, just wore different clothes day to day.

The guy who was awarded free tickets caught this magician’s lie and called him out on it. END OF SHOW.

The magician pretty much lost his career after that and the man that called him out was arrested for being disorderly.

But even long before that, I remember being in school and being forced to go into the school’s gymnasium to watch a magic act. The magician did his act and made the rest of the children laugh and enjoy the show. But something was up. Some of the children in the older grades were yelling at him to turn the props around.

Wouldn’t you know it, that they were props with yellow and blue bunnies painted on them when they had previously been red and green before he covered them up and did his little magic.

Get this. Someone caught on to his deception. And the entire gymnasium was yelling at the guy to turn this around. But he acted as if he didn’t understand. So he had one student come up to the stage to do what the crowd was wanting. Sure enough: One bunny was RED on one side and turned around, YELLOW on the other. The other bunny proper was GREEN on one side and turned around, BLUE on the other.

Deception had failed. Children started to BOO him. I figured he deserved it because of the fact that he got caught. But there were a lot of children that day that got into trouble for booing him. Teachers stating that to boo someone, was being disrespectful.

I still think he deserved it.

And I am going to think of these stories for as long as that lousy cartoon DVD is still around and I am watching my niece.

Damned rabbits!!!!!!

numbers

“I’m not great at dating, but I need to do it to relax.”~ Lena Dunham

Why women do you torture me so???

In the moments after the Chicago Blackhawks winning the Stanley Cup, I came across a fan who was cheering for them the whole way.

A few actually. I proceeded to tell them that NHL is nothing, and that these NHL players should attempt something more courageous and bold like sledge hockey. There’s no flexible glass in sledge hockey if you hit the wall.

They were impressed. I offered autographed photographs of me playing the sport. Some accepted, others rejected the offer.

So as I am sitting there checking to see if there was any other sledge hockey program in their individual areas, I noticed that one of them who had accepted the offer and sent me an address had actually sent me the address of a Super Cuts.

Umm, really?? REALLY?????

The only benefit of this doubt that I can think is that the information was old. There was a typo in the address that was sent. The Super Cuts is now a residential area. OR that is where this person works.

If the truth is none of the above, then I have to say that this is a brand new low in behavior in this situation.

This crap is just confusing. And again, if its none of the above… its just WRONG!!!!!!!

kim-kardashian-kanye-west-hawaii

“Would we be so enamored with dystopian fiction if we lived in a culture where violent death was a major concern? It wouldn’t be escapism.”~Maggie Stiefvater

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the nursery in Hollywood, California…… something so cruel, so disturbing, so eye-rolling and mind-numbing happens.

Kim Kardashian gives birth to Kanye West’s daughter.

And they named the child:

NORTH.

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot, over???????

In the spirit of one of the dumbest actions known to mankind, thinking that Blue Ivy and Apple were terrible names for a baby. And I won’t go through the history of bad decision making when it comes to naming a child. But what blows me away is that neither one of these bozos considered the feelings of the child that will ultimately have to deal with the ass-beatings, the teasings, and mockings for having to bear the name “North West”… and yeah I know, the parents are intending on nicknaming the child “Nori” but that doesn’t help that your child’s name is directional and not a name. At all.

Actually NAMING the child Nori or even Noreen would produce less pressure and social negativity as the child grows older. And to think that the entire Kardashian family was pissed off that the child was not named with a K.

Y’all just need to sit down!!!!

How in the world did this dystopia happen? How did these two get together? And WHY were they allowed to procreate? Do we honestly think that parenting is going to be their best features in their young, young, young lives? It just makes me want to fundraising to collect as much money as I can to send to them and have them SHIPPED AWAY to an isolated island where we don’t have to hear from them at all any more and the rest of us no longer have to be polluted.

But that’s just me.

Poor child.